Author: Schnyder PM
What can you do in five minutes?Rated: Fiction T - English - Words: 2,675 - Published: 01-06-13 - Status: Complete - id: 3089984
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What can you do in five minutes?
You could fry an egg. You could wash your face, brush your teeth, and dry. You could fold up your clothes and stuff them in a drawer. Have small talk with someone you know that you just met on the street. Go online and check your Facebook messages, responding bitterly to someone you thought you deleted from your friends list.
There are many things you can do in five minutes. So, for me, a person who believes that time is precious, that every second counts, that would believe all that, yet still make time to play World of Warcraft even when on the verge of being fired-
Standing alone behind a rusting bus stop, its blue-white icon scratched away by age and abuse. The sun shining above me mercilessly, as if to rub it in my face that I picked a spotlessly clear day to go outside. A twitter from a bird every now and then, a car rushing past on a road that seemed to steam and waver underneath the blistering heat, fixed underneath the border of life and death, shadow and light, the difference between becoming a roasted corpse and a slightly drowsy, sweltering human being.
On one hand it was relaxing. It was refreshing. My lungs were cheering at me for finally taking in fresh air. My body felt lighter than it felt in months. I could have run a marathon. I think I might go swim across the Pacific Ocean. Damn, just shoot me into space; I'll go find a sustainable habitat in five hours flat!
But it kept scratching at me.
Like when a loose tooth constantly wiggles against your gums whenever you speak, like a mosquito bite that's stuck at the very center of your back, where your fingers can dance just right around its edges, but never any further.
Like the bump of static that comes with sensitive headphones whenever the wire rubs against your clothing.
Like eating ice cream with 14% milkfat when you know you just gained five pounds over the course of a single week.
A buzzing in my brain. Annoying, mindless, an absolutely irritating thought-
Ah. There it is. Isn't that right? Yep, this situation is perfectly like that.
What a waste of time.
I couldn't stop it now. The floodgates had been opened. It made no sense really. If you had five minutes to spare, would you spend it waiting at a bus stop with nothing to do? Standing there so still that someone might've thought you're a statue? Or better yet, they would walk past, completely unaware of your presence, feeling a chill in their stomach as they walk away and realize that it hadn't been a statue, it had been some fool who was standing stock-still in front of a bus stop, dressed lightly in a t-shirt and shorts, having his hands nonchalantly in his pockets.
Police, there's a freak on the loose! He's been shamelessly stalking a bus stop for the past five minutes!
It was embarrassing. It was mortifying. I just wanted to sink to my knees and start crying. Why couldn't I have just woken up five minutes later? Why couldn't I have fried an egg? Why couldn't I have brushed my teeth four more times? Why couldn't I have talked to that person on Facebook instead of just rectifying my mistake and removing them from my friend list once and for all?
But it was too late now. My time was officially being wasted. There was no way out of it. If I walked back and forth, perhaps I could turn some of this waiting into exercise. Perhaps I could think of a plan to woo that girl who lived four blocks from my house. Better yet, maybe I could figure out something to say to my boss so I wouldn't get fired.
But I had a perfectly good reason for not doing any of these things.
"Jesus! It's not a statue!"
There was a man standing in front of me, looking unmistakeably shocked, his eyes wide and his body in a half-karate stance, probably on the verge of kicking my head off, but was actually trying to hold back just because he was too confused about the whole situation. He was dressed in a white tanktop with a blue Aloha shirt over it and equally Hawaiian-looking shorts. Just to add to the whole image, he had a pair of sunglasses pushed up into his hair with lens so large that they could have been aviators if they weren't so goofy looking.
Oh, and did I mention that he had a machete hanging off his belt?
"Uh...sorry about that, kid. You really surprised me there."
"No problem. I would've thought the same thing if I was passing by."
"Really...? That's a little weird," said the man, taking a few unconscious steps backwards. Did that really come out of your mouth, Aloha? "Well, whatever. I'm a little lost right now. You familiar with the area, kid?"
"I live around here, actually." And I'm not a kid! But there was no way I was going to say such an immature line. One of us had to be the adult here.
"Yeah? There's a neighborhood around here called 'The Heights?'"
"I actually live there."
"So you know where it is, then?"
Of course I know where it is, you fucking retarded Aloha! "It's right down this road. You keep walking down and on the left, there'll be a sign saying 'The Heights.'"
"Right down the road, on my left," muttered Aloha, turning to look forward. "So on the left, yeah?"
You son of an Alaska Air stewardess whore, I'm going to skullfuck you so fucking hard even a fucking coconut will have more hair left over you grimy, tree-fucking, Aloha ASSHO-
"Yeah. On your left. Right down the road."
And then he was gone, machete swinging freely at his side, flashing so brightly that I was sure it was going to cut my eyes in half.
Damn good riddance! Hope that fucking moron gets lost in the forest and starves to death or something.
It really pissed me off. People like that were just asking to get fucked with. I couldn't stand it. At the very least, if you're going to call yourself a human being, couldn't you have a a single speck of civilization in your blood? There's something called common sense, damn idiot! Or better yet, having a brain!
It was just a waste of time after a waste of time. I spent a whole minute fuming to myself as I waited aimlessly for a bus that I wasn't even sure was going to arrive on time. Finally coming to my senses and being able to detach from my inner rage, I sighed to clear the profanities that had been bashing against the back of my teeth then opened my eyes.
This time it was a guy in a banana costume.
"Funny...I thought...you were a statue...I saw you. Sorry...that."
"Don't worry about it. Happens all the time."
You could tell the guy was suffering in the costume. Hell, it was bad enough for me, standing in just t-shirt and shorts, and under the shade. I don't even want to know how thick the fabric was on that thing! If he pulled the zipper on his back, the heat coming out from inside would probably be enough to burn this tree down.
"Hey...you wouldn't...happen to know..." started Banana, panting with breath between each word. I figured he had ran all the way here too. True, the costume looked ridiculously overbearing right now, but his current state was far worse than that.
Banana bent down over his knees and began sucking desperately for air. He couldn't even manage to finish his sentence.
"No problem..." I said. First Aloha and now this guy. What's with all these tropical freakshows?
"Uhm...I was...I was going to ask..." said Banana, swallowing to moisten his throat. He took a deep breath and managed to finally control his speech. "You wouldn't happen to know where 'The Heights' are, would you?"
"Uh...yeah. I do." What the hell?
"Oh, good. Is it far from here?"
"No, it's right down the road, on your left. If you just keep going straight, you should see it."
"I see. Thank you."
Wiping what looked like a waterfall flowing down his face, Banana took another breath and then began jogging down the road. Looking at his trotting figure fading into the distance, I couldn't help thinking-
I feel damn sorry for you, Banana.
Nevertheless, I was also somewhat grateful. As much as I hated Aloha, as much as I was perplexed by Banana, they did end up making it so that my five minutes here weren't a total waste of time.
...Well, maybe I spoke too soon.
A white bulldog. It was panting just as heavily as Banana had been, resting on its hindlegs and looking up at me with a face that was both adorable and somehow threatening.
Don't look at me with those puppy-dog eyes. It makes me want to pet you. But you'll probably bite me. Agh, damn it. I'm just going to pet you anyways.
And so, I somehow ended up bending down and giving the dog a good head rubbing.
"Hm? What's that boy? Little Sally is stuck in a tree again? There are wild bears clawing up the trunk?"
The dog stretched up onto just two feet and pawed at me. Then it jumped.
Oh. I see what you're getting at.
"Down the road. On your left."
The dog barked at me, as if to thank me (no way that's possible, there's no way a dog can understand human speech after all), then began padding away to "The Heights."
Jeez, was there an event going on or something?
Once my five minutes were up, I began hearing the rumbling of an engine. I couldn't believe it. It was impossible. It was unheard of! A legend!
But here it was. A bus that was on time.
"Crap, I don't have my coins ready...I can't believe it actually came on time though. I need to post this on Facebook..."
It was as I reached into my pocket and rummaged around for quarters that a thought came to me. A thought that brushed by as I touched my keys in one pocket and a cellphone in the other.
I forgot the money.
The Heights is a middle-class neighborhood that's stuck in a low-class area. The bus is the main form of transportation because the dirt-infested roads are treacherous and debris from the woods is poorly managed.
That said, it's been my home for nearly five years. I couldn't say anything bad about it, nor could I say anything good. It was just a comfortable place that I had to get away from every so often.
Walking back took five more minutes. I wondered if Aloha, Banana, and Dog had made it down here yet. Well, not like it really mattered. They looked like they'd all been in a hurry. It's not my problem.
Or, so I thought.
There was yellow tape all over my house.
Or, better put, my entire block was sectioned off.
"Need an extra pair of cuffs? What? A dog? What the hell are you going to cuff!? No leash? Well, go find one then!"
A police officer was loitering around my house. More specifically, my neighbor's house.
"Christ, dealing with these amateurs..." muttered the officer, jamming his radio back into his belt. "Hey, you. Move back. This place is under investigation."
"Uhm...sorry. I live here. What's going on?"
"You live here, huh? You know those guys?" said the officer. He jabbed a thumb behind him. Two people and a dog were being dragged out of my neighbor's house.
"Uh..." Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, holy shit. "Sort of...I saw them pass by while I was waiting at the bus stop."
"Then you're damn lucky, son. This man just attempted premeditated murder."
My mind went blank. Lucky? Did you say lucky? Lucky because I just gave a fucking maniac directions to my neighborhood? Damn, son! You are so freaking lucky!
It was a good thing I didn't mention telling them directions. I discreetly moved a step sideways so the police officer covered my body from sight.
"Well, not the Banana guy. Apparently, he's this fucker's brother. Ran all the way here from his job, trying to stop him."
I feel so damn sorry for you Banana!
"What about the dog?"
"The dog? I don't know. Guess it was hungry for bananas."
It's not even a real banana!
No, no. I was getting off-topic. That wasn't the problem here. I needed to ask some real, relevant questions!
"I see...So, 'premeditated?' What's that mean?"
"It means he planned ahead to kill the guy who lives here. Do you know him?"
"Yeah...he's my neighbor. I'm not too friendly with him though. But, I think he's out of town."
"Well, when he comes back, tell him to report to the police station. We won't be able to settle this without his statement. We'll leave a notice for him, but I think it'll be easier if someone he knows explains to him about the situation."
"Yeah...sure. I'll do that."
"Get them out of here!" shouted the officer. Aloha, Banana, and Dog were jammed into a police car and driven away. The sirens were like shards of glass assaulting my ears.
Was this seriously happening?
"Uh...excuse me. Mr. Officer..."
"What is it, son? I need to start heading back myself."
"Uh...can I go in my house now?"
"Huh? Oh, right, you're his neighbor. Sorry, son, but I can't let anyone in this block right now."
"Just for a minute? I need to grab my wallet..."
"Your wallet'll be safe, son."
"No...I mean...I have to go to work today or I'll be fired. I sort of need my wallet."
The police officer's eyebrows knitted at that comment. For all the talk he did, he sure was a softie.
"Alright. Five minutes. Got that, son?"
"Yeah. Thanks," I said, running under the yellow tape.
What can you do in five minutes?
You can fry an egg. You can brush your teeth, wash your face, and dry. You can fold your clothes and stuff them in a drawer.
You can give directions to two maniacs and their dog
You can lie to a police officer and get access to your house.
You can walk up to your computer and exit out of Facebook. Check the World of Warcraft game where a fucking full-on retard pissed you off and made you say some bad things.
Bad enough that he threatened to kill you.
In five minutes, you can tell him that he doesn't have the balls to try. You can tell him come at me bro and boldly give him the address of your neighbor.
And in five minutes, you can get him a criminal record and a ticket to jail, where retards like him belong.
"And shut down..."
You can do a lot in five minutes. Even if you're just wasting your time.
"Now...where's my wallet?"
Like I said, time is precious. Every second counts.