Characters
Narrator Craigface, the narrator of this tragic tale (male)
Stewart Bigbristles, a young saucepan of vivacious qualities who dreams of becoming a pianist despite his lack of arms or legs (male)
Boris Bigbristles, Stewart's father, a saucepan with a gigantic mustache
Anna, the author of this script (female)
Underbaggles Amazingsaucepan, Stewart's brother, who is good at literally everything (male)
Jedidiah, a French fork with a vicious nature (male)
Alien #1, an alien disguised as Jonathan the Puddingcookie (male)
Alien #2, an alien disguised as Lulu the Yoyo (female)
Alien Chief, chief of the aliens (male)
Giraffe, a magical giraffe (male)

Act 1, Scene 1

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a young saucepan named Stewart. Stewart's name was derived from his father's name, or so his father claimed. Stewart didn't quite see how this was so, as his father's name was Boris, which sounded nothing like "Stewart". Nonetheless, that is what everyone agreed upon but Stewart, and in result, this earned him the nickname of "Junior".

When Stewart was the age when a saucepan is old enough to be involved with adult conversation but still too young to seek his fortune out in the big wide world, he had a conversation with his father about what he was going to do in his life.

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

Junior, we need to talk about your future.

STEWART

What about my future?

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

Son, you are reaching the age where saucepans can leave their homes and find their future in the outside world. Unless the saucepan is a loser and is too lazy to get a job and sits home on the couch eating junkfood and playing video games all day and his parents have to pay for him until they finally get tired of him mooching off them and kick out of the house onto the street and then he finally realizes what he's doing to himself, gets a job, finds a wife, grows a mustache, and has some kids and this is a run on sentence.
(coughs)
Not that I would know anything about that.

STEWART

Uhhh …

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

Anyway, Junior, we need to decide what you are going to do in your future. So you don't turn out like m- like that guy in my run on sentence.
(scoots forward in his chair)

STEWART

...so you want me to tell you what I want to be when I grow up?

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

Pretty much, yes.

STEWART

Okay, then, I guess I'll tell you. But I think it would be better expressed in song. Here goes:
(deep inhale, cue music)
When I was a young saucepan
I dreamed of only one thing-

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

(interrupting)
This is not a musical, Junior!

STEWART

(shocked expression)
But-!

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

No son of mine would be caught dead singing or dancing, or, or, or, or playing the piano or something! That would disgrace the Bigbristles name!

STEWART

But Dad, that's my dream! I want to be a pianist!

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

(aghast expression)
No! Not my Junior!

STEWART

I know it seems hard … and impossible … but I believe in myself! I can learn to play the piano!

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

Stewart … you're a saucepan. You don't have any arms. Or legs. You kind of need those things to play the piano.

STEWART

Fine! I can see I'm not wanted here. I guess I'll leave. I'm old enough. I'll make my fortune as a pianist … as soon as I learn how to play.
(turns around to walk out of the house)
Goodbye, O family of mine! I will always remember you as repressors of music and talent!

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

No, Stewart, wait! That's not what I meant!

STEWART

It's too late! Too late!

(dramatically flings door open and walks out of house despite the fact that saucepans don't have legs and never will)

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

No! What have I done?!

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

And thus Stewart Bigbristles left home to seek his fortune in the cold, cruel world.

Act 1, Scene 2

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

When Stewart left the Bigbristles home, he left with absolutely nothing in his pan. Which was a terrible idea, as it turns out, because no one would give him piano lessons due to his lack of limbs and with no possessions he couldn't get another job. Poor, poor Stewart! All alone in harsh reality.

Finally Stewart realized he could probably get a job if he got an education. So thus he enrolled in Failing Abecedarians Requiring Trouble Help School, or the F.A.R.T. Help School. Stewart had to look up the word "Abecedarians". Turns out it means "student".

Well, the first day of school came, and Stewart was nervous.

STEWART

Actually, I wasn't nervous so much as I was anxious.

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

They mean the same thing!

STEWART

Well, your name is CRAIG! That's a stupid name!

ANNA

(pokes her head in the story)
Hey! My uncle's name is Craig!

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Oh, hi Anna!

ANNA

… wait, I'm paying my uncle to be my narrator?

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Apparently.
(coughs)
Shouldn't we get back to the script?

ANNA

Oh yeah.
(poofs back to where she came from)

STEWART

(walks along the halls of the F.A.R.T. Help School)
Wow, this place is so big …

TEACHER

And who are you?

STEWART

(gasp)
Underbaggles? Is that you?

UNDERBAGGLES

(gasp)
Junior?

STEWART

You know, I never did get why you guys called me that. "Stewart" sounds nothing like "Boris."

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Just so you audience people know, Underbaggles is Stewart's brother, who is much more "respectable" to his father's standards. Underbaggles Bigbristles was a successful teacher with a high degree. Pretty much every school there was wanted him to teach there.

UNDERBAGGLES

Wow, Junior, I didn't expect you to end up here! You know this is a school for troubled kids, right?

STEWART

It was the only school that would take me.

UNDERBAGGLES

I wonder if you're in my class.

STEWART

(checks schedule)
No, I'm in Mr. Amazingsaucepan's class.

UNDERBAGGLES

Oh, that's me. I got my name changed after I won my three hundredth award.

STEWART

Wow. I wish I could be as successful as you.

UNDERBAGGLES

No luck with the pianist thing?

STEWART

Why do you think I'm here? For the good food?

UNDERBAGGLES

No, but the food is pretty good since they fired the old cook and hired me. I can cook pretty well.

STEWART

If only I could be successful like you!

UNDERBAGGLES

Just wait, Junior. You'll find what you're good at in time.

Act 1, Scene 3

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Stewart and Underbaggles had peculiar relationship. Underbaggles was good at literally everything, and his father was very proud of his oldest son. Due to this, Stewart was eternally jealous of him. This did not change during Stewart's days at F.A.R.T. Help School. The other students were jealous of him for having such an amazing brother, and shunned him in result. Stewart found himself picked on and bullied at his school, usually by one person in particular-a French fork named Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Hey, you! Ze one who iz a zaucepan!

STEWART

(tiredly)
What is it now, Jedidiah?

JEDIDIAH

Ztewart, iz zat your name? Ztewart. What a ztupid name.

STEWART

Your accent is extremely pointless, Jedidiah. We all know you're not really French. Jedidiah isn't even a French name!

JEDIDIAH

You inzolent zaucepan! 'Ow dare you! I am French, juzt az you are ztupid!

STEWART

So you're not French at all.

JEDIDIAH

(hopping mad)

You will pay for zis inzult!

STEWART

Yeah, sure. Like you can do anything other than stab me. Wait …

JEDIDIAH

You will find me in a dark alley zomeday, Ztewart ze Zaucepan! And zen I will ztab you! Ztab you muchly! Jedidiah ze Fork will ZTAB YOUUUUU!

STEWART

(backs away slowly from the seething Jedidiah)
Oooookaaaay …

Act 1, Scene 4

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Poor old Stewart, trapped in the F.A.R.T. Help School with no friends and only his annoyingly perfect older brother for company. He had a horrible life and was getting horrible grades from all of his teachers except Underbaggles.

STEWART

(looks at report card and winces)
Wow, I'm doing awful here.

UNDERBAGGLES

Really? Let me see that, Junior.

STEWART

(hands Underbaggles his report card)

UNDERBAGGLES

(whistles slowly)
Wow, you are doing terrible. I'm impressed. You're like the exact opposite of me.

STEWART

(glares)
Thank you for pointing that out.

UNDERBAGGLES

You're welcome!

STEWART

Actually, I'm doing pretty good in the one class I have with you.

UNDERBAGGLES

That's because I pity you.

STEWART

UNDERBAGGLES! I want to earn my grade!

UNDERBAGGLES

But they'd kick you out if you got all Fs! So I gave you one B!

STEWART

Oh.

UNDERBAGGLES

Maybe you should, you know, get a job, Junior.

STEWART

The reason I came here is because no one would give me a job.

UNDERBAGGLES

Maybe I should give you lessons in awesomeness.

STEWART

You'd do that?

UNDERBAGGLES

Yes, of course! You're my brother, and you need help.

STEWART

Wow! Thanks, Undie!

UNDERBAGGLES

… don't call me that.

Act 1, Scene 5

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Underbaggles Amazingsaucepan proceeded to give his younger brother, Stewart Bigbristles, Lessons in Awesomeness. These lessons were very difficult for Stewart to get the hang of. Underbaggles taught him how to appear awesome, because most people aren't just born awesome. Most people have to work at it. Except for Underbaggles. He was just awesome like that.

Stewart was still having trouble. Less people were bullying him, but Jedidiah was, if anything, picking on him more. Stewart was getting worried that he would never be accepted by his peers.

Then one day, when Stewart was sleeping …

ALIEN #1

(standing over Stewart's sleeping figure)
You think we're ready?

ALIEN #2

(on the other side of Stewart's bed)
Not quite. Give it another day.

ALIEN #1

You sure?

ALIEN #2

Yes. Chief needs to give the order.

ALIEN #1

Are we just taking this one?

ALIEN #2

Yes. His brother's amazingness is blinding me.

(beeping noise from Alien #2's watch)

ALIEN #1

Do you hear that?

ALIEN #2

Yes! Now shush! It's the General!
(presses button on watch)

(hologram of alien appears from the watch)

ALIEN GENERAL

Captain. How is the operation going?

ALIEN #2

We're just waiting for your command, sir.

ALIEN GENERAL

Tomorrow. I am hungering for some saucepan meat, Lulu.

ALIEN #1 AND ALIEN #2

Yes, sir.

Act 2, Scene 1

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

The next day, in the hallways of F.A.R.T. Help School …

STEWART

Hi, Joe! So, um, what was the answer to problem-

LULU THE YOYO

(interrupts Stewart and pushes aside Joe)
Heeeeey, Stewie.

STEWART

I prefer Stewart, thank you. Do I know you?

LULU

(flutters lashes)
My name's Lulu.

STEWERT

Um, hi, Lulu. Is there something I can do for you?

LULU

Is there anything! I want you to meet my friend, Jonathan. I think you'll be friends.

STEWART

Um, okay …

(Lulu drags Stewart through the crowd toward Jonathan)

JONATHAN THE PUDDINGCOOKIE

Hi, Lulu.

STEWART

(stops short)
Um, what are you exactly?

JONATHAN

That's always the first question they ask …
(sighs)
I am a puddingcookie. Basically a cookie with pudding all over it.

STEWART

Um, okay...

JEDIDIAH

(pushes his way through the crowd toward Stewart)
What are you doing now, Ztewart? 'Anging out with your loser friendz? A yoyo and a … ew, what iz zat?

JONATHAN

(turns to Lulu and growls)
All right, Lulu. I'm sick and tired of this disguise! I say we grab him now!

LULU

(sighs and rolls eyes)
Well we have to now, they know we're in disguise because you blurted it out.
(turns to Jedidiah and Stewart)
Hello, Stewart. We've been watching you.

JEDIDIAH

What iz going on?

STEWART

I never thought I'd say this, but Jedidiah's right. What the heck is-

(Lulu and Jonathan tear their disguises off, revealing them to be aliens)

JONATHAN

Mwahahaha!
(grabs Stewart's handle)

LULU

(presses button watch)
Vaporize the roof and throw down the ladder.

VOICE FROM WATCH

Yes, Captain!

(the roof is vaporized; students start screaming; a ladder is thrown down from the alien spaceship above; Lulu and Jonathan grab the ladder and it pulls them and Stewart up into the ship)

STEWART

NOOOOOOOO!

LULU

Quiet, saucepan!
(whacks Stewart on the head; he passes out)

Act 2, Scene 2

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

When Stewart came around, he was in a completely dark room. Wait … it wasn't a room, it was a box!

STEWART

(bangs on the walls of the box)
Help! Someone let me out!

JONATHAN

Captain, I think the prisoner's awake.

LULU

Open the box!

(Jonathan opens the box with Stewart in it)

STEWART

Why did you do this to me?! I was just being me, a failure of a saucepan, when you came and abducted me into your ship!

LULU

We eat saucepans.

STEWART

…well, I guess that answers my question, although I am a little creeped out that there are saucepan-eating aliens.

LULU

General! We have your meal!

ALIEN GENERAL

At last!

Act 2, Scene 3

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Jedidiah was cursing his luck.

JEDIDIAH

Curze that zaucepan! 'E will get away with inzulting me! Those foul alienz! I curze their namez! How can I get Ztewart back down 'ere? I muzt ztab 'im!

Curze zose alienz! Zey will not get away with zis!

Act 2, Scene 4

ALIEN GENERAL

(walks into the room)
Finally, my hunger will abate! I have been hungry for so long … so long … it must have been two hours ago since I ate! Now, Captain, who is this saucepan? I require that I get to know all of my meals.

JONATHAN

Sir, his name is Stewart Bigbristles.

ALIEN GENERAL

Shut up, private! I asked the Captain, not you!

JONATHAN

Sorry. I just haven't got any lines in a while.

LULU

Sir, his name is Stewart Bigbristles.

ALIEN GENERAL

(doubles over)
Did you say … Bigbristles?

STEWART

Yes, she did.

ALIEN GENERAL

Shut up! I didn't ask you!

STEWART

But I haven't got any lines in a while, so I thought I'd-

LULU

Yes. Is there a problem with that?

ALIEN GENERAL

I … I …

JEDIDIAH

(appears)
Ztewart ze Zaucepan! I told you I would ztab you zomeday, and today iz zat day?

STEWART

Jedidiah! How did you get here?

ANNA

Plothole. Move on.

STEWART

Wow, today really isn't my day.

ALIEN GENERAL

Captain, private, seize that fork!

(Lulu and Jonathan grab Jedidiah)

ALIEN GENERAL

I have a confession to make. I … I am not actually an alien.

(everyone gasps)

ALIEN GENERAL

Yes, it's true! I am actually …
(tears off disguise)
Boris Bigbristles, Stewart's father! I am a cannibal!

STEWART

Just for the record, I saw that coming. I don't think anything else could startle me today.

LULU

General! You're... one of the enemy? And a cannibal? That's gross.

JONATHAN

… I … what just happened?

JEDIDIAH

I AM FRENCH!

STEWART

LIAR!

JEDIDIAH

(tears free of Lulu and Jonathan)
ALL RIGHT, ZAT IZ IT! YOU WILL DIE, ZTEWART ZE ZAUCEPAN!
(jumps on top of Stewart and starts stabbing him viciously)

STEWART

OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
(dies)

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

NOOO! STEWART! JUNIOR!I LOVEDED YOU!
(starts crying)

UNDERBAGGLES

(appears)
Don't cry, father.

JEDIDIAH

Wait, 'ow did ze zaucepan's brother get 'ere?

ANNA

Same way you did. Plothole.

JONATHAN

Are you sure that's good for the story.

ANNA

SHUT UP!

UNDERBAGGLES

(wipes Boris's tears away)
Don't cry, father. He's playing the piano in France.

JEDIDIAH

France?

LULU

France is Heaven. Everyone knows that.

JEDIDIAH

It is? I want to go to France!
(kills self)

UNDERBAGGLES

...I'm going to pretend that didn't happen and go on with my life.

LULU

You know your father's a cannibal, right?

UNDERBAGGLES

(shocked expression)
What?!

BORIS BIGBRISTLES

...well, I had to gain the alien's trust somehow, and saucepans are their mortal enemies.

UNDERBAGGLES

How dare you! How dare you consort with the enemy! Now I fear I must use my Awesome Powers to incinerate you all and rebuild the F.A.R.T. Help School! Any last words?

JONATHAN

Giraffe!

GIRAFFE

I TOLD YOU NOT TO SUMMON ME AGAIN!
(electrocutes Jonathan with Sith lightning)

JONATHAN

(dies)

UNDERBAGGLES

Well, that saves me a job. Now, for the rest of you! AWESOME POWERS, ACTIVATE!

(flash of white light)

Act 2, Scene 5

NARRATOR CRAIGFACE

And thus, the story ended.

Stewart was happy that he finally got to play the piano in France. Jedidiah was happy because he got to stab Stewart and he was now living in France. Lulu and Jonathan were dead, as was Boris Bigbristles, and all three were locked in a little room together in their afterlife. They were not happy. The students of the F.A.R.T. Help School were happy because Jedidiah and Stewart were gone, and Underbaggles was happy because he's just awesome.

And they lived happily ever after, except for Jedidiah and Stewart, who were dead happily ever after, and Boris, Lulu, and Jonathan who were dead furiously ever after.

THE END