EXT. A NOT AT ALL SUSPICIOUSLY DESERTED PART OF MARSEILLES – DAY

FELIX is strollin' down the street, whistlin'.

FELIX
Gee, I sure love bein' a main character now that Philly and Luc Jardie are gone!

He spots a GERMAN CAR standin' there and stops.

FELIX
(looking around)
What a nice car.

A bunch of scar(ily well-dressed) GERMAN MEN jump out.

FELIX
OH SHIT

They proceed to handcuff FELIX and throw him in the car. There is a STRUGGLE. But it does not last that LONG. In the process, FELIX's hat rolls off his HEAD.

VOICE OF GOD
You've been GESTAPO'D!

The CAR drives away, leaving FELIX'S hat lying tragically in the middle of the road. Nobody gives a fuck.

INT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS

Hey this is actually a pretty nice place, you guys. Like the architecture, the floor. Wow, is that marble? It looks almost like an art museum—except for those GESTAPO AGENTS. They're standing at the desk, talking and bein' all serious. That kind of ruins it.

FELIX is chained to a chair.

FELIX
Fuck. My. Life.

INT. A room in ENGLAND.

PHILLY G and M.C. JARDIE are sitting around, doing absolutely fucking NOTHING.

M.C. looks at his watch.

Another half minute passes.

PHILLY G
OH SHIT WE HAVE TO GO RESCUE FELIX

INT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS

FELIX
(telling the Funniest Joke in the World)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

FELIX laughs—but nothing happens. The GESTAPO AGENTS look at each other.

FELIX
Fuck. My. Life.

INT. A MOVE THEATRE IN ENGLAND.

PHILLY G and M.C. LUC JARDIE are watching L'ARMEE DES OMBRES.

PHILLY G
This movie is terrible.

M.C. LUC JARDIE
I know, right? Like nothing ever fuckin' happens.

They watch PHILLIPPE GERBIER and LUC JARDIE wander around ENGLAND doing absolutely fucking NOTHING. LUC JARDIE even gets awarded a medal for doing absolutely fucking NOTHING.

PHILLY G
It's so boring.

M.C. LUC JARDIE
It's actually a stunning portrayal of life inside the French Resistance.

PHILLY G
The loneliness… the crushing solitude…

M.C. LUC JARDIE
A true masterpiece.

They watch FELIX get arrested for some reason.

PHILLY G
I feel like we've just been watching people talking, and talking, and talking…

M.C. LUC JARDIE
Like people just sitting in movies theaters and talking…

They watch THEMSELVES sitting in a MOVIE THEATER talking.

PHILLY G
I feel like we're forgetting something.

EXT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS – OUTSIDE

The INTERROGATING OFFICER leaves. A SOLDIER salutes him.

The main point of this shot is to show there's a FREE FRANCE poster on the wall outside the GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS. Because the Germans don't know what fucking IRONY is.

Or maybe they can't read. Not judging.

INT. HOTEL ROOM IN ENGLAND

PHILLY G is packing up.

PHILLY G (V.O.)
I still had many things to do in ENGLAND. But I decided to get back to France… because… uh…

He takes about five fucking years to put his coat on.

PHILLY G (V.O.)
Something important.

He EXITS.

EXT. A HILL OVERLOOKING MARSEILLES – DAY

MATHILDE, BISON, MASK, and SEXY JARDIE are having an important MEETING.

MATHILDE
(to the other RESISTORS)
Okay, guys. I need you to—

BAM. PHILLY G is there.

BISON
Holy shit, where did you come from?

PHILLY G
ENGLAND!

They stare at him.

MATHILDE
How did you—

PHILLY G
Teleportation.

They stare at him.

PHILLY G
Jking, I actually parachuted out of a fighter plane into a swamp. Then I took the nearest train here.

They stare at him.

PHILLY G
So what're ya'll talking about?

MATHIDLE
(recovering)
Felix.

PHILLY G
Who?

MATHILDE
FELIX

PHILLY G
Oh. Yeah. (thinking) Where is he?

MATHILDE
At the Gestapo Headquarters.

PHILLY G
Oh. What's he doing there?

MATHILDE
Getting TORTURED.

PHILLY G
Oh. (pause) It's okay. I'm not worried about him giving anything away. (pause) Even though the Gestapo won't give in. So he'll probably suffer for like days… or weeks… or months… horrible, literally, bone-crushing pain…

MATHILDE
He's your FRIEND.

PHILLY G
Oh. (thinking) We should probably rescue him, you guys.

MATHILDE
Yes. (pulling out an incredibly detailed map of the GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS) I found out where they're keeping him. It's where they put the prisoners they absolutely need information from—

PHILLY G
Dang, how'd you get that?

MATHILDE
Well unlike you, I've been actually getting shit done.

PHILLY G
Touché.

Meawhile, SEXY JARDIE is BROODING. He is depressed because he is not COURAGEOUS, STRONG, or BRAVE. But mostly because he cannot take his SHIRT off.

MATHILDE
Bison, can you get me two German uniforms?

BISON
'kay.

MATHILDE
And a nurse's uniform?

BISON
'kay

MATHILDE
And twenty litres of whipped cream?

BISON
'kay.

MATHILDE
And a scale plastic model of the Eiffel Tower?

BISON
'kay.

PHILLY G
Can you get me a sandwich?

BISON
Fuck, no.

MASK
So let me get this straight. We're going to hijack and ambulance and drive it over to the Gestapo Headquarters. Then we're going to pretend to be from the Gestapo Headquarters in Paris and that we have orders to transport Felix. To Paris.

MATHILDE
Yes. But with more unnecessary complications.

PHILLY G
I wanna go, I wanna go!

MATHILDE
No.

MASK
That is the stupidest plan—

SEXY JARDIE
Hey guys, I'm gonna write an anonymous letter to denounce myself in freakishly small chance that the Gestapo will arrest me and throw me in the same cell as Felix's.

BISON
Fuck off.

MASK
Nobody loves you.

SEXY JARDIE leaves.

MATHILDE
(to BISON and MASK)
Go forth. Wreak havoc.

After BISON and MASK leave to set the PLAN into motion, MATHILDE walks a little ways away. She pull a photo out of her purse. PHILLY G follows her.

PHILLY G
Who's that?

MATHILDE
(looking lovingly at picture)
My daughter.

PHILLY G
Mathilde. You shouldn't carry that around with you.

MATHILDE
'kay.

PHILLY G
Mathilde. I want you to know this is in no way, shape, or form foreshadowing of events that may or may not occur later in the movie. But the Germans might arrest you and find that photo. Then they will use it to trace your family and use them to blackmail you.

MATHILDE
'kay.

PHILLY G
So don't carry it around with you.

MATHILDE
Got it.

INT. JARDIE HOUSE

He spends HOURS making a beautiful ANONYMOUS LETTER. It gets him ARRESTED.

INT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS

Damn, that was quick. That must have been some letter, huh.

SOLDIERS lead SEXY JARDIE in and handcuff him to the chair. SEXY JARDIE smiles SEXILY.

INTERROGATING OFFICER
(reading letter)
It seems—

SEXY JARDIE
Je ne comprends pas.

INTERROGATING OFFICER
I'm speaking French, you idiot.

SEXY JARDIE
No actually we're both speaking Eng—

One of the SOLDIERS SMACKS him and he shuts the fuck up.

INTERROGATING OFFICER
(reading letter)
Is your name really 'Sexy Jardie'?

SEXY JARDIE
Okay, I understand the humorous potential of making an ultra-serious Nazi officer guy say 'sexy'. But at the same time I feel we shouldn't continue in this vein, 'cause it could go downhill real fast…

INTERROGATING OFFICER
You will die here. And no one will know your name. Is that what you want?

SEXY JARDIE smiles SEXILY.

INT. FELIX'S CELL

SOLDIERS open the door and throw SEXY JARDIE in.

SEXY JARDIE
(seeing FELIX)
It worked! HOLY SHIT it actually worked!

FELIX
(seeing him)
Jesus, kill me now.

SEXY JARDIE
(going over to FELIX)
We're gonna have so much fun, Felix! We're gonna stay up all night, and play board games and video games and tell ghost stories…

FELIX pretends to be catatonic.

EXT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS GATE – NIGHT

MATHILDE, disguised as a NURSE, BISON and MASK disguised as GERMAN OFFICERS have appropriated and AMBULANCE (actually a mail truck with a cross painted on it) from somewhere and drive it up to the gate.

GUARD 1
Halt.

GUARD 2
Who goes there.

MATHILDE
(in really awkward, halting German…actually English…I'm trying, you guys…)
We are from the Gestapo Headquarters in Paris. We have orders to transport a terrorist named Felix. In this ambulance. Back to Paris. In the ambulance.

GUARD 1
(probably stoned out of his mind)
Sounds legit.

GUARD 2
Why are we speaking—

GUARD 1 SMACKS him and he shuts the fuck up.

GUARD 1
Enter.

EXT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS COURTYARD – NIGHT

They open the GATE. BISON drives the AMBULANCE into the COURTYARD. Everything in this SCENE happens really SLOWLY. Because it's really TENSE you guys.

The GUARDS talk to some S.S. OFFICER guys and you know they're the real deal, 'cause they've got skulls on their caps and shit. And LIGHTNING BOLTS. OOOOOOO

S.S. OFFICER
(apparently also trippin' balls)
Okay. We'll just get the approval from the doctor on duty.

They go INSIDE to get FELIX. MATHILDE, BISON and MASK exit the ambulance and stand around AWKWARDLY. All the GERMANS stare at them. But no one says anything. It's so quiet. This SCENE is so fucking TENSE right now, you guys. BISON is SWEATING.

MATHILDE smokes and looks at the WANTED posters on the wall. Her hand shakes. Hey, look. There's one of PHILLY G.

INT. FELIX's CELL

SEXY JARDIE is looking out the barred window. The CELL is partially underground, with the narrow window above—so he can see into the courtyard.

SEXY JARDIE
Felix. Mathilde and Bison are here! They're gonna rescue us!

FELIX
Jesus Christ, is everyone on drugs here?

SEXY JARDIE
I'll help move you out!

The DOOR opens. Some SOLDIERS with a stretcher, and the GESTAPO DOCTOR come in. The GESTAPO DOCTOR examines FELIX.

GESTAPO DOCTOR
No, this is impossible! I cannot allow you to move a dying man.

FELIX
(nearly tortured to death)
GEE THANKS YOU GUYS I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CARED

SOLDIER
What was that?

FELIX
(catatonic)

EXT. GESTAPO COURTYARD – NIGHT

A SOLDIER approaches MATHILDE, BISON and MASK.

SOLDIER
Sorry, yo. Doc says no.

BISON
Aw, fuck this shit. Let's just throw some of these radios at 'em and bust Felix outta here.

MASK
No, that doesn't work in real life.

MATHILDE
(extremely stiffly)
Okay. We shall report this. To the Gestapo Headquarters. In Paris. Where we came from. Paris.

SOLDIER
Whatever.

They get back into the AMBULANCE. SLOWLY. They drive it to the GATE. SLOWLY. The GATE begins to OPEN. SLOWLY.

S.S. OFFICER
Wait.

They wait. SLOWLY. The S.S. OFFICER stares at the three of them. BISON is clearly so FUCKING NERVOUS RIGHT NOW. None of them say anything. This goes on for a MINUTE. This is how HARDCORE this TENSENESS is.

S.S. OFFICER
Uh, I forgot. Carry on.

They finally drive the fuck away.

INT. FELIX's CELL

JARDIE, standing in the same place, watches the ambulance leave. And their last hope. He gets down from the window and stands there.

JARDIE
Felix.

FELIX doesn't respond. He might be dead. Literally every centimetre of his visible body is covered in wounds. I don't even fucking recognize him anymore.

JARDIE
Felix. I have some cyanide pills.

FELIX slowly, painfully, moves his head to look at him.

JARDIE
Do you want one?

FELIX
Lemme guess—you only have one.

JARDIE
Naw, man. I have like five hundred.

FELIX
How did you—

JARDIE
I—

FELIX
Shut up, I don't want to know.

He sighs.

FELIX
(sadly)
This is the best fucking thing that's happened to me this entire movie.

They look at each other.

FELIX
I'll take ten of 'em.