I keep telling myself that I'll be ok again when I can stop being jealous. He's with someone else. It didn't take him very long. It took me less time, but I wasn't ok. I was broken and I made a mistake. He's happy with her though. I'm sure he is. And I keep telling myself that I won't be able to be with someone else until I can let that jealousy go. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses. I don't know. It drives me crazy. Thinking about him with some one else makes me want to cry. It's one of those "If I can't have him, nobody can" kind of deals. I'm not proud of that. I've always been like that. I've always been jealous.

I cried today thinking about him and it made me angry. I was pissed at myself for missing him. How stupid is that? Why should I be mad at myself for missing somebody I used to be close to? But that's just it. We used to be close, but we aren't anymore. I closed that door. I kicked him out of my life. He hurts too much. All he does is break me. I should hate him, and I do, but I'm still jealous.

I think that I'm crazy. I'm going to be jealous for a long time. That's just the way it's going to be. Everybody is like that. I just have to look past it. I think I'm using it as an excuse. There's a boy I really like. One of my friends. The same guy I started dating right after my ex. I broke it off because I couldn't handle a relationship, and I couldn't. But now I'm starting to get better. We talk everyday and we see each other whenever I'm home from college. We even kissed a few weeks back. Which was dumb. I keep telling myself that I'm still not ready. That I can't handle it. Because I still miss him, and because I'm still jealous. But what if I am ready? What if I'm just afraid to make the commitment? Hell, I know I'm scared to make a commitment. I'm terrified. I'm afraid that when he leaves for college I won't be able to do long distance just like my ex couldn't. He didn't really try, but still. What if I hurt him? I won't do that again. What if I get hurt? I don't want to go through that again. I can't. I broke. I almost died a couple times. I can't do it again. Maybe I should just go on pretending that I'm not ready, and I should wait until I stop being jealous, because it will happen eventually, it'll just take years.

For now, I'm just lost. And jealous. And lonely.