I'm lost, not knowing what to do or who to go to. I have no clue why I feel this way or what it is I'm feeling.
I can't sleep with out dreaming, I can't wake with out feeling the loneliness of the void inside my heart.
It all started when I met him, a boy that at first didn't appeal to me much. He was at the time my opposite, then things began to change. My friends nagged me about him, especially after he asked me to go to a party with.
After a while my feelings changed though as I saw the boys good side more and more. He was kind, and awkward, but also sincere and polite. he his immature twerks that any 14 year old would have, but was capable of restraining his inappropriate ways around certain areas. Finally I decided to try it out, I though that it couldn't hurt.
At first it was alright, he was a bit unexperienced though, and It took a bit to get used to the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing.
Well weeks went by and our bond grew stronger than I actualy expected. I was completely comfortable with him, and could tell him practicly anything.
When he kissed me, I felt a strange feeling, unlike anything I'd felt before. It was like I was going to melt in his arms.
But as good as it was it soon came crashing down, my boyfriend moved about 9 hours away from me, and I was left to bare it. At first we tried to keep us alive, texting and calling each other. But finally my friends struck me with reality, and I had to pause our love. At first it was only till he came back, (which he promised he would) and take me to prom. But again I was hit with another cold fact, that he was 2 years younger than me. When my friends reminded me of this, everything came to a complete stop.
I could eat and I could stand to be in groups, but it was painful, and I began to slow down.
My dreams still came to me, and my feeling are all muddled up. I have dreams where I am going through sexual intercorse, or marrige, or even child birth, with my "ex" boyfriend.
The only times I can stop thinking about him is when I am in my own carefree world where I can think of anything I want to, and imagin im with him.
Since he's left about 6 months ago I have consemplate suicied, about 5 times. Now when I mention this to anyone, they become annoyed with me, and ignore, or yell at me.
I don't know what is wrong with me, because no one has ever fully listen to what I have to say. The only one that actually listens is my now "ex" boyfriend, who is more like my bestest guy friend, when we talk on the phone, skype, email, or text.
I am currently only 17, and every one keeps telling me that Im foolish and have no Idea what love is. But how can I know what it is if no one but my bestest guy friend will show me even a hint of what it possible could be.
Im so confused, and Im all alone, please help me know what Im doing wrong.
Am I going crazy, or am I just realizing that maybe I only ment to be here as a weight to the earth, with no real futur of love or happiness. I honestly don't know