Headley's Llama

Headly Maidup reviews a selection of the week's new releases.

Each week sees a bonanza of putrid filth emanating from the stench-ridden publishing houses of our once great nation, and this week is no different.

The first offering is' Le Singe Eest Dans Le Supermarché': A thrill-a-decade expose of the lemur-like antics of the Executive managers of some of our leading supermarkets.

Written by Henry Notreal, this pile of papery poop uses its massively bombastic tones to hurl claim after fictional claim at us in the hope that we buy into the lies that Henry likes to peddle: in this case that certain Execs at big chain stores bark like ruffed lemurs and like to preen themselves on their tables.

This is very poor tripe at the lowest level. It gets ½ a Llama, and that's being generous.

Next on the platter is Oliver Butterpuss' thriller 'Noir Spuds'. A trawl through the seedy side of Biggleswade, this follows the exploits of Harvey Rumpsteak, a private detective with a self-destructive streak a mile wide.

Receiving a package sent by persons unknown, he must find the sender before it's too late. With a shadowy cabal of international wood mouse smugglers and other assorted nogoodniks on his tail, and a dangerous femme fatale by his side he goes from one impressive set-piece to the next with aplomb. Add a suitably nixy ending and it easily warrants 5 Llamas.

Onto Scranthorpe Humb's new Techno-thriller: Lamb Bunch. The plot revolves around CIA operative Larry Hump as he combats rogue knitwear group "The Lambs" who have split off from Knitting Weekly and formed a mini-terror cell, tensions within the branches of the American military as well as political corruption at the very highest levels of the US government.

It's pretty much a rehash of every Colm Tancy novel. In itself it isn't bad, but it does smell of ripped of prose occasionally. Not bad, could do better: 3 Llamas.

This leads us to Frozen Badger Soufflé by Bentley Harbinger. This is a lovely gentle, semi-autobiographical romp through the Dorset countryside. It tells of a Boris, downtrodden and embittered Forestry Commission inspector who is sent to review the woodlands surrounding the little village of Netherpuddle. Once there he encounters village life, including shy butcher's daughter Lucille. Their story is interwoven between run-ins with the local council, her family and the stubborn whelk salesman, Herb.

I won't spoil the ending, but this will have you alternately weeping and shouting abuse at the protagonists. A well deserved 4 ½ Llamas

Finally we come to Warner Hedgehog's latest bit of bile-filled muck: Tulips from Hamster Jam. Honestly, if it made any sense at all it would help, but it doesn't. The character names are too surreal to mention, if there' a plot then it's hidden under layer upon layer of weird gibbering, and to be honest I don't know what else to say. If you like your sanity then avoid it, if you are unable to tell the difference between the day of the week and your shoes then this is probably for you. 0, possibly going into negative Llamas

Have a good weekend, and happy reading!