|The Charming Life of Margery Miller
Author: Zoicite23 PM
So you're fat, bulimic and stupid? You do all kinds of drugs and are hot for a guy that totally hates you? Your worst enemies go to school with you and most of the time you don't know what the hell your best friend is saying? Appearances may be decieving, but believe me when I say Margery Miller is the coolest flipping person you will ever meet!Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,588 - Reviews: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 03-22-13 - Published: 01-28-13 - id: 3096149
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
My name is Margery Miller, don't wear it out! I suppose Margery isn't a very normal sounding name, is it? Who on Earth decides to call their child Margery? No one is called Margery anymore.
To answer my previous question: idiots, that's who. In particular, my parents are the biggest idiots on the planet! I wish I could say they are the worst people in my life, but that is far from true. I have a hit list, you know.
So that when I do grow up to be rich, pretty and famous I can hire someone to kill everyone who was ever mean to me. My parents, with all their many imperfections, wouldn't even make it to the top ten. The list constantly changes, but there are three people who are always at the top.
These three people may swap places with each other, but at the end of the day they each go home with a medal. They are: Jonas the-child-molester Jackson, Alice skinny-bulimic-bitch Lewis and Miss Edith whore-face-English-teacher Gibson.
The latter is more often known as Miss Gibson. Anyway, I may have gotten a bit off track. The reason I brought up my parents and the list and Miss Gibson is because of the events of April the nineteenth. It was the day everyone in my class was getting their half yearly English tests back.
I was late to whore-face's class, as usual, because I had been throwing up in the girl's toilet. I knew that there was only fifteen minutes left of the lesson, but I didn't want to run into Jonas or Ralph in case they were wagging too. I was just outside the door when it opened for me.
Miss whore-face Gibson glared at me for eight seconds before talking.
"So you finally decided to show yourself, fatty? What were you doing until now? Throwing up in the toilet because you're a fucking fat bulimic?"
"Shut up!" I yelled defensively whilst very subtly wiping a spot of vomit off my chin. A piece of paper was slapped into my face. It was my English test, I had scored a ten. Not very good, considering the test was marked as a percentage.
"Good God, not only are you fat but you're a dumbass too. Maybe if you came to class on time you might learn something!" There were giggles from inside the classroom and I was sure it was coming from that skinny bitch Alice and the rest of her friends.
"You must have graded it wrong!" I shouted fiercely. "I actually studied this time!"
"Funny joke: Margery? Study?"
"It's true! This time I actually glanced at the text book! And it was open!"
For once I wasn't lying to her. I had stayed up late the night before the test playing 'Call of Duty'. Eventually I decided I should at least try to study. I opened the book and glanced to a random page about Shakespeare's poetry.
There were extracts, but all the words were spelt incorrectly. Whom, thou and '–eth' added to the end of a random word every now and again. I thought fuck it, this is an English test not bloody French. I threw the book away and played more COD before going to bed.
"Shut up and get in my class, dumb ass!"
By lunch time I felt so depressed I didn't even start eating lunch right away. I had my best friend Lucy with me, and she tried to make me feel better.
"Don't worry about the test, Marge. I'm sure if you tell your parents you tried they won't be too angry, eh?" Lucy was a good friend, but she had a ridiculous accent, so it was difficult to take anything she said seriously.
She's also a ginger. Red hair and freckles, the lot. She's also skinner than me. Bitch.
"You don't know them like I do, Lucy. They're savages."
"Right." She said awkwardly. "You do know I've met you're parents before, eh?"
"Shut up, you Scottish freak!"
"But I'm not-"
"Hey girls!" Ralph had the sleaziest voice I had ever heard. He could say anything and it would sound sexual. He also had the unnerving habit of breathing out loud from his mouth when he was standing right in front of you.
"Whatever it is, don't care!"
Ralph's face fell and he skulked away.
Lucy scratched her head while she thought. "What were we talking about again?"
"I don't remember, but I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" I pulled out my bag and started digging around for some grub.
"Oh! Want to go to the arcade after school?"
After school I spent several hours playing games with Lucy in the dark flashy game room.
I spend more time of my life in the Arcade than was socially healthy but I still lost every game I played, mostly because of my terrible co-ordination. I tried hitting on the cute young manager Walter several times until he felt uncomfortable and walked away.
By the time I left it was dark and yeah, that is normally how every day in my life goes. I made it home and opened the front door, mentally congratulating myself on not getting raped. The man ahead of me looked quite old, but I think I had made the right decision in crossing the street.
"There she is! The girl of the hour! May I see how you went on that test of yours?" My father held out his hand with cheerful expectation. I hesitated before relinquishing the paper. He stared at the sheet for a long time.
His eyes focussed on the bright red ten written on the sheet in marker, directly above the word 'dumbass'.
"I told your mother we should have had you aborted."
My mother heard him and yelled sternly from the other room.
"We had to keep her for the child benefit bonuses to pay for your cocaine addiction!" I sighed. Just a typical day in the life of me.
Between my Dad's drug addictions and my Mum's pornography addictions they were both well deserving of spaces fifteen and sixteen on my future hit list. It didn't matter too much. Sure people called me fat, bulimic and a dumbass but I bet you my bottom dollar you won't find anyone as cool as Margery Miller!