I used to know what I wanted to get out of life somehow that dream disappeared when reality came into focus. But I wonder does my reality have to be MY reality? Can it be changed or am I condemned to this life.

Well this summer I'm on a journey of discovery, it's about time I learned to be the person I've always dreamt. The more powerful, captivating, charming, motivational me! My life has become a big mesh of what everybody else wants it to be. The "perfect" student, who got her "perfect" degree, and is now living in a spacious one bedroom apartment alone with her cat,. I was hoping my life would be more sex and the city and less lonely cat woman.

I decided to go for a walk and a smoke; I pondered the steps I should take to jumpstart my journey. It wasn't as easy as one would think. I found myself cluttered in thought, confused with what I actually wanted. Maybe the mesh of life I was molded was the life I should be living. Maybe I shouldn't change. But then again if it was what I needed then why am I not happy? Am I just an ungrateful little twit?

Twenty blocks later with no true destination I found myself alone like always. So I wandered in the apartment of my Best Friend Gabriella Mendez. I met her over a year ago, she was everything I wasn't so that made her perfect.

I hated her building the elevator never liked to work and she so conveniently lived on the eighth floor. When I finally reached her door I was breathing heavy and barely could ring the doorbell.

"You look like shit? Did you forget to shower again?" She asked as she saw my disheveled sloppy appearance.

"No, sorry I had to walk up eight flights of stairs because of your stupid non- elevator." I walked heavily into her apartment dying for a seat. My clothes did give the just woke up vibe, but I feel it's a Sunday which is national tank and sweats day.

"That just means you're out of shape my dear."

"I'm getting a gym membership tomorrow, and this time I'm actually going to use it." She rolled her eyes at me and started to laugh.

"You have no faith in me."

"I do have faith in you, but it's more of selective faith."

"Selective faith? "

"Yes, I believe in the stuff which I know you'll do and the gym is just one of those things you try then give up on, like typical Ally." But she didn't know this was one of the last days of "typical Ally" but the beginning of "new Ally".

"Thanks, I know I have your support." I sarcastically said.

"you're so dramatic." She playfully mushed her hand in my face. "would you like a latte?" She said as she made steps to the kitchen.

"sure, make it French vanilla." I yelled to her. I sat on her couch rummaging through her issues of Vogue, Vanity Fair, Allure and Cosmopolitan. I took some mental notes of ideas of clothes that screamed the new Ally. The new Ally will care about her appearance most days and not just to go out to the occasional get together and still I don't even try too much then.

"blow its hot." She said handing over a mug. I surveyed her appearance. She wore a black tube top paired with back shorts. Her hair was the color of a lions mane it fit her bronze complexion. A new idea popped into my head; maybe I'm in need of some new color. My hair was boring, flat and thin. New clothes and new hair was sounding really perfect to jumpstart this journey.

I found myself starting to day dream about the new me. I would be a fearless New Yorker not the shy girl who's scared to tell the guy on the train to stop leaning on her. My Journey was going to be for the benefit of me and no one else. I'm 24 it's about time I turn myself into a woman.

"so guess what?" She asked excitingly biting on her bottom lip.

"what, you're getting that dog you wanted?"

"sorta but it's a little less canine and more human."

"huh?"

"I'm pregnant." She nervously spout. I paused for a moment and my mind blanked and went into a space that was far away from that moment. I didn't know wheteher to be excited or upset. I took cues from the big smile on her face.

"congratulations, oh my goodness, tell me everything how do you know?" I really wanted to ask who the father is. Since I know that she's not in any serious relationship but just the occasional hookup. Very odd that she was excited to give birth to a stranger's child.

"well I'm not pregnant my sister is so which means I am by default." She was a twin so I can understand how her sister being pregnant would be like her being pregnant too. It being her sister gave me a bit of relief.

"oh, ok well tell her I said congrats and that she'll make a great mother."

"I think I'm more excited then she is , I can't wait to spoil him or her I'm really hoping for a girl even though she wants a boy." As an aunt I was barely involved in the pregnancies of my older sister. My job was to visit her in the hospital and dote over the gorgeous baby and be there to babysit and for all the other special occasions like birthday's and holidays. I'm not very involved in the life of my sister she decided to get married straight out of college and has become a glorified housewife. She doesn't work her main priority is to clean the house and take care of the children.

"Well I hope she is a girl too. She'll have the best aunty who'll teach her everything."

"She sure will, I have so much to do and stuff like learn how to change diapers and become certified in children CPR this is def going to be a process." Something inside me sensed this was going to be a start of a new Gabby, well makes sense since there's going to be a new me.

Hours and hours of baby talk exhausted me. I left her politely to journey to a local CVS picking up some new makeup. I barely wore anything on my face but the occasional Chap Stick. I didn't go for the bright colors mostly browns and gold's. I needed to start off slow; I picked up a few brushes to go along with it.

I was too eager to go home and try it out. I ventured online for makeup tutorials. For a makeup virgin like me I needed a step by step instruction guide. I wondered if there was a makeup for dummies out there for me. I spread out all the supplies in front of me and planted myself in front of my mirror. Looking back and forth from my computer screen to my mirror for about 3 hours I found myself prisoner to it trying to get the perfect wing with my liquid eyeliner.

Tomorrow I decided I was going to go for the gold and wear bright red lipstick. I was going to be noticed in the office for once. I worked as a ghost writer for little political journal. It wasn't the most entertaining job but it did get the bills paid. Maybe it would even get the attention of Jeremy. I've had the biggest office crush on the guy since I started working there. We never talked much just the regular wave or hi. If we did find ourselves in conversation it was strictly professional. He always flirted with the girls with the short skirts and bold lipstick. Now I was going to be that girl, but better than that girl I was going to be the newer model of that girl.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a phone call from my mother.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hello, have you talked to your sister lately." There was a bit of concern peeking through her voice.

"No why? Has something happened?"

"No she's in a tough spot right now and I know a phone call from you will make her happy."

"What kind of tough spot?"

"You should call her." She avoided the question.

"Well, I'll give her a ring but I'm pretty busy right now." I liked to portray that I was a kind of a big deal to my parents creating this persona of this always on the move woman.

"Ok sweetheart but don't forget."

"I won't I promise ok , bye love you."

"Bye love you too." I'll call my sister tomorrow. Tonight I was trying to perfect pin curls and paint these bitten little things I call nails. I picked up a nice essie nail polish it was in the color of mint candy apple.

Changing my outside I am sure will be the first step in changing my insides. I finished my pin curls and nails in about an hour and a half. While I waited for my nails to dry I decided to put on stimulating television HBO was playing Mermaids. I sometimes felt like Wynonna Ryders character growing up very misunderstood but I wasn't as narcotic.

I am such a bore I fell asleep at 10p.m due to lack of entertainment after the movie. I dreamt of the new me; I was in Paris running around with all these types of fellows with gorgeous accents. I knew French in my dream I spoke it so smoothly and fluently.

I ended up going to work in a terrible mood. My hair came out so hideous my curls were not uniformed they were shooting off my head from every direction. The red lip turned out to be too bold for the office so I had to opt it for a calmer baby pink. I had to pull my hair into a tight and neat bun. At least the rest of my makeup went the perfect.

I found myself glancing over at Jeremy many times. I was hoping for him not to see me. I was waiting for him to come over and start talking but it didn't happen.