Dear Beevis,

The other night I had this dream you and me were in a fairy-tale. I don't know. Maybe it's cause I'm living somewhere I don't know for the first time in my life or maybe it's just cause of all those M&M's I ate. Remember that time you told me if you ate too many M&M's, you'd start seeing everything really bright, like a Disney movie? And I ate like six bags because I wanted my cup to start singing? Then I attacked you cause you'd lied which made you start giggling really loud, which then made me laugh too cause you were such a dork. Mom took one look at us rolling around on the floor and said we were crazy but Dad just smiled and said, I think it's a twin thing. Anyways, we were in Jack and the Beanstalk. In my dream. I was Jack or maybe I was really Jackie, because I still had boobs. So I started pulling myself up, grasping at each thorrny edge like a ladder. First one level, then the next. One after another and another until I got higher and higher. I was almost up, but my arms were dying. Finally I pulled, one last pull葉he kind of pull where you don't think you could have done it if you'd known about it before. But because you didn't know, you did it.

First came the stars. Then the castle. Then you. You were huge and strange, like New York City, only with fingertips. You took a huge giant lunge-step toward me, but I didn't move. I just stared. You were insane. Your shoulders were two endless slopes. Where your skull ended, the stars began. Then came the rumbling. I didn't know what to do擁t was getting louder and closer傭ut you leaned down and took off your Knicks cap and said, quick幼rawl into my hair. I'll hide you. I hesitated for a second, to see if maybe if the rumbling had changed its mind and decided to become good rumbling or not-at-all rumbling, but then I heard it. No, definitely bad rumbling. Like the sound of other giants. So I crawled into your hair. It was really messy, all cluttered with ideas and random junk. But it smelled nice. Like New York City if they tried to sell it in a shampoo.

That night you set me up in an old upstairs bedroom in a turret in the castle for the night. The next morning, you made me an iced beanstalk latte and took me over to the top of the beanstalk to part ways. You said it'd probably be a good idea for me to cut down the beanstalk, though. So you know, the other giants don't go down there. I looked in the direction we'd last heard the rumbling. Then at the beanstalk. Then at you, standing where it wouldn't reach anymore. Yeah, I said. And I started climbing down the beanstalk. I don't think I really meant to cut it though.

The next night I dreamt were in The Snow Queen. You were Kay and I was Gerta and I was looking for you like she does, after you got the ice splinter in your eye and the Snow Queen came and took you away to her castle. I was looking for you through all that snow and the rheindeer and dark bandit girls somewhere near off, but then at one point when I was sitting at my fire, I looked over it and saw you, drinking Coke in a restaurant with a group of kids. They were theater kids, by the looks of it. I knew because of the way they laughed. All dorky and loud, like when they thought about the bodies they were stuck in, there were fireworks. They were probably from one of your intro classes at NYU. New York didn't seem that special though, now that I was seeing it for real. Well, sort of. But then I looked at you laughing with all your new little nerdy friends, and you just seemed so happy. I wanted to be that happy. You always have your phone on, no matter where you go, so I decided I'd call you. But it just went to the message machine. In the message you sounded different耀ofter and kind of icy almost, but also very chill. You said, 溺organ, you need to find your own it beeped. I didn't say anything. Instead, I hung up. I think I might have also hung up something somewhere else too, because then it was morning in my dream but I wasn't looking for you anymore.

Last night it was Hansel and Gretel. You know the story. And I'd like to say that's what happened. That would have been a pretty cool story. If you know, you and me were scared, but still we didn't give up and together we defeated the evil witch and got away, and everything was all right again. But that's not what happened.

What happened is this:

I was lost in the woods. I was all alone. Of course woods being woods, they decided to get all dark and creepy as soon as I realized this. The further I went the darker and darker it got and the more I became less sure the path really was a path, and whether the trees weren't all in on some sick, twisted plot to see who could freak me out the most. At certain points they got so close and menacing it was kind of ridiculous. At one point I just laughed and said hell, take me. I'll be your tree-slave. At other times it wasn't so funny. At last I came to a small clearing in the forest and decided to sit under a non-evil looking tree and rest for a moment. Then suddenly I saw a McDonald's sign. It was bright. It was beautiful. So I walked on, but then I came around a bunch of trees and couldn't find it anymore. Then, suddenly there was a bunch of bikers coming toward me.

滴ey, any of you guys happen to know where Mcdonald's is?I asked. One kid looked at me like I was crazy and said, 的n New York City? Gotta be like one on every blockand biked off with his friends. Okay, I thought, watching them leave, and then headed in the direction where I thought I'd last seen the sign. Then out of the trees, came another clearing, this time with a stoplight. I stopped, even though I was kind of in a forest. I wonder what that says about me. Then all of a sudden I heard a bunch of people talking and out from a path came a bunch of robots. They were drinking beer and laughing and talking about some movie. Then one of them did an impression and they all started cracking up really loud. Right by where I was standing was a small lake. One of the robots stopped to take a sip of water, and then it saw me.

滴ey, you don't happen to know where McDonald's is, do you?I said. It was kind of weird. I'd never talked to a robot before. But it seemed that you just went about it the normal way.

溺cDonalds?the robot said, and it looked pretty thoughtful. Then it went, 登h I know! One it pressed a bunch of buttons on its silvery-white chest and then printed out a piece of paper. 溺apquest,he said, grinning, and headed off. I stood there for a second, registering a little late that he was going in a direction that was different than the other robots, but quickly followed him. At some points the forest got really thick and hard to get through, but it was always okay, for the most part. At one point the robot let me press a blue button on him and a drawer of M&M's popped out. I was starving, I ate so many. Then we came to this river we apparently had to cross. It was darkish and yucky but that's not why I didn't like it. I didn't like it cause it was freezing. 鼎rap,I said, pulling out my toe. Then the robot said, 展ell, what, you want me to carry you?"

I laguhed, then looked at him. He was serious. 哲o way,I said. The robot grinned. 鼎ome on,he said.

哲o way,I said. 的'm not getting carried like a little baby.I dipped my foot in again, then squealed and pulled it out.

擢ine, then I'll carry you like a teenage girl. Come on.

Finally I gave in and the robot carried me in his arms only when we got about halfway there were some weird noises coming from somewhere and that's when I remembered he was a robot and how could he be walking through the water anyway if he was made of metal?

滴ey, are you like, okay?I said.

鼎ourse,he said, even though his clanky metal legs were getting slower and slower. Finally we made it. The robot said he'd like to sit for a minute if that was okay. I said that was okay. Then I went to look for something to help, but all I found was an old sweatshirt from Disneyland on top of a log. I brought it over and he hugged it and put it on. We continued.

Finally, I saw McDonald's up ahead. Only it was a dream-McDonalds, so it was sparklier and louder in places McDonald's shouldn't have been, but also nicer in ways it always wanted to be. Unfortunately they were closed. Great, I thought, kicking at a stone. I don't know, for some reason, I felt like everything had been depending on McDonald's. Like if I just got there, everything would work out. Like maybe you'd even be there.

The robot turned to me. 溺&M?he said, opening up a bag.

鉄ure,I said, and held out my palm. He gave me a handful. I didn't eat mine though. Instead I watched him eat his.

鼎areful,I found myself saying. 鉄omeone once told me that if you eat too many, everything starts to look like a Disney movie."

添eah, but I thought it took six bags to do that,the robot said.

展hat?I said.

The robot laughed only as I looked over his laugh it started to get less steely and more human and he tapped his chest and his neck went down and his shoulders came in and then suddenly it was you, and all the metal parts of his body weere folding up into you, into your body, until now it was just a few more clicks and it wasn't a robot anymore next to me. It was you.
的t's you,I said. 添ou were the robot."

添eah,you said, smiling.

釘ut you're like supposed to be in New York, and in your message machine you said I should get my own adventures, and how come you didn't tell me?

You shrugged. 的 don't know. I guess thought you knew,you said. 添ou know葉hat just because I stop in New York, doesn't mean I stop in New smiled. 的'm with you wherever you go, Butthead. Couldn't ever not be."

You looked at me in a way I didn't realize I'd missed and I had to look away, suddenly all my cracks felt so precious.

鉄o what story we going to be in tomorrow?you said, grinning.

I looked at you, matching your dorky happy grin for my dark one. 添ou'll see,I said and then your grin became more like mine or maybe mine became like yours or maybe it doesn't even matter, cause all that matters is that you were there, somehow, as we continued our way through the woods.

See you tonight, Beevis.

Love,

Butthead