She remembers thinking about what she was born to do
she was born to and meant to always lie
she remembers thinking wandering around alone
where is the knot to the noose that should be tied

She was only ten years old and she remembers it crystal clear
all that pressure and the depression that she didn't know
she knew what she wanted to do for four months
she wanted to honestly go

Someone at the age of ten can feel as much as us
although they don't know as much and think and act like you
she still remembers thinking about those kitchen knives
today she knows exactly why they had no clue

Who would have believed that was the case
that the groundings at home were because of school
she spent her nights with disturbingly pitch black dreams
she remembers feeling like an undead ghoul

She imagined herself in a stark white room
with memories staring back up at her in photographs
today she sits and still thinks of the times
that she somehow forgot to learn how to laugh

She sits at school on days like these
and wants to scream at the careless ones
how could they be so ignorant and naïve
when she was ready to say she was done

She still thinks of the noose that could have been made
by a bed sheet, towel, or length or rope
she wishes the world had at least some small idea
of what it's like to lose every ounce of hope

In class they talk about it like they know
she's known no fortunate others who thought as she did
she wishes that she told them all
yet somehow goodbye is not what she wanted to bid

Telling all is still not an option
it's been a long while and it's no use talking about
telling all would have been a mistake
because to this day in her mind there's still that undying doubt

She thinks of herself standing in a locked white room
with all the windows boarded and tightly shut
she still wonders what it would have been like
to plunge that knife into her gut

She now feels as if she's always walking dead
the depression she didn't speak about did something to her head

Because God didn't save her and she can't bring herself to say he did
she didn't tell because she didn't want her secrets plastered on an office grid

That time at ten years old stole a part of her she didn't know of
she thinks it's either dead and gone or hiding somewhere high above

Feeling like she was left alone and terrified at age eleven
she remembers what bliss is like at the age of seven

Not knowing was the bliss of the reality of things
sometimes people don't understand to a degree so bad it stings

Someday she wasn't to tell somebody and cough up all her lies
she waits for the day that will come to tell that everyone sometime dies

But it matters when and why we want to
and she can't say she's never wanted to

For what on this earth she stayed she does not know
she just hopes that everyone can see what plainly shows

Standing in a crowded room among a crowd of bustling peers
not many at that age could guess her current fears

Understand she did not want this
understand she did not expect this

this was merely part of the unexpected
now she'll always feel so unprotected

because she told more than she planned on telling
surprisingly what awaited her was no yelling

She sits and thinks of a different time and is wondering why
if anyone else was - about certain things - was born to lie
she asks herself if she should have at age eleven died
what would have happened if that knot for the noose had been tied

Of course she hadn't planned it out
hurting herself filled her with doubt

All she wanted was to skip the pain
she hates how many react to this the same

She imagines herself a place in her head
where she is fully alive and not walking dead

And right now she's feeling numb
slightly miffed, perhaps a little dumb

Her heart still pounds but it mystifies her
remembering those late nights worrying cause her vision to blur

She's certainly feeling better now
but every day she thanks no one and asks how

Because she recalls that God did not truly say don't die
she hates to sit there and thinks she has said a lie

But she's better now than she was before
and I assure you she's knocked down that door

But no one seems to remember or understands
what people can do with their voices and hands

People will leave you for dead every time
you feel so alone like everyone else sees you covered in grime

But what nearly happened could have happened and it almost did
she grows angry when they all agree and forbid

At the small age of ten and eleven she lost a part of her too soon
now all she wants to do is sleep way past noon

Somehow being alive isn't bad
although she is better she gets a little sad

She wants to save everyone who's gone there and died
to those who are living she understands why they lied

Hearing about it makes her think about what she's got now
but she'll always be asking herself why in the world how

This poem is coming to an end
the thinking of others can always break and bend

Now she's better but she'll always remember
and she's amazed survived those Decembers

It's just that you need to get the facts straight
that some people feel like they're trapped behind a gate

Life still confuses her but she's officially out of that horrid hell
she trying to the lingering numbing feeling so long and farewell

In experience she feels like she's jumped ahead
but for now she's somehow walking one-fourth dead.