My Life

Sometimes people ask me why I am what I am, why I'm so weird. I'm afraid it is about time I explain, mainly because I talked to my girlfriend about the same thing this very night.

It all began in primary school I suppose. My girlfriend told me how year 7 and 8 for her was hell, for me...I had 6 years of it in primary school. I had no friend in primary school, sometimes Zac or Kristen would play games with me, but that was it. I played games by myself, mainly Starwars games or Lord of the Rings.

But I was teased daily by most people, I cherished those moments when they showed a tiny hint of kindness, which was very rare. Towards year 6 I slowly started to crack, might have got into a fight sometimes because I just couldn't take it, it was towards the last days it got bad.

Prom Night: On my way home from the year 6 prom, my mother asked me "will you miss it?" And I just broke down. I talked about how I wanted to kill them all, strangle them and claw out their eyes. I was 11 and this was pure HATE that came out. It felt weird, because someone finally asked me about my feelings.

Last Day or Chruch Drive: I was part of the last year 6 class to ever leave that school because it was closing down. The final bell rang, and everyone hugged eachother, saying their goodbyes and "see you next year at Redhill" But no one ever hugged me...

I stood on the threshold of the classroom, and looked back one last time. No one even looked at me, no one hugged me, or ever said goodbye to me. I couldn't take it. I walked out of that classroom feeling like the lonliest boy on Earth. I cried myself to sleep that very night, because I myself, never got to say goodbye. And to this very day...I would change that, if I could go back and say goodbye to that school, just one person, then I wouldn't hold so much regret.

Mid-way year 8 (Parent's spliting up): No child should have to watch their parents fight, and eventually split up. No child should ever have to witness what I saw...my own dad in a drunken state, pin my mum down on the bed and hit her. Something inside me broke that day. And I find it very insulting that a couple weeks ago, at my cousins party, I talked to no one and stood by the door next to my mother. And she asked "did me and your dad's divorce effect you in any way?" I find that insulting because she asked me 3 YEARS AFTER IT HAPPENED!

Then there were the deaths of family members over the years. My general goodbyes to them were "see you next time" or "see you later." But the thing I most regret, no being by their bedsides when they left this world. I never said goodbye to them, to this day I regret that. So if you ever see me, and I look sad, think about me and what happened. You know how I felt, you know how it all happened.

Sometimes when I look back on these things, I hate the very thought of not even getting one goodbye. No hugs, no goodbye. Sometimes my even family look at me like an abomination. Because I was raised differently from them. They give me that "you don't belong here" look and "you dress like a freak" look. And to be honest, they wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire.

Sometimes life can be a bitch, this you must know. But on the subject of goodbyes, what about family members who are still alive? My grandad Graham had a stroke years ago, and left him paralysed on his left side, also affecting his memory. I didn't see him often, but one of the things that hurt most...he can't even remember me. And if any of your family suffers from memory problems, you know my pain.

So readers, remember to say goodbye everytime, because you never know which goodbye will be the last. And remember them with all your being. Because one day, you'll want to be remembered. And also remember this, none of you are un-important. You're all special in your own way. My past is past, but if all that didn't happen to me, I wouldn't be who I am.