Author: mo person PM
These are the diary entries of a young man trying to survive in a world that is not very hospitable to his kind. He must support himself and his son, who he has born himself. In the end, with the help of a tropical chef and that chef's children, he learns to love himself. Which is the greatest love of all. MPREG SLASH YAOI -diary entries, so beware. some bad languageRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 7,423 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 02-10-13 - Status: Complete - id: 3099970
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
By: Mo person
-please note that these chapters are diary entries. they do not reflect any qualities of the mentioned countries or corporations. this is purely a work of fiction.
-this work belongs to the author, Mo person
-*jamaica is actually a quite homophobic palce, they do kill gay people. (not often, but it happened) i merely skewed the world to fit my wishes.
Most people will never understand what I go through. Most people don't know I exist. The ones who do, well, they don't care. I've lived here in New York all my life, my mother lived here, and her mother before her. But I don't live with my mother. She doesn't want to know me. She can't handle me. Now I'm alone.
Well... Sort of.
My name is Elijah. Just Elijah. I live in a tiny apartment near Broadway. I am 18 years old. I have one friend. He's my son. I had him when I was 16. His name is Jamie. Just Jamie. I don't exactly know his other father. All I know is that I was cornered, knocked out, and left pregnant. My mother flipped. She was so angry that I let this happen to myself. She called me all sorts of names. She said I was a sin.
But I stopped caring about myself a long time ago. When I was pregnant with Jamie, I only ate because I loved him too much from the get go. I was fiercely protective of him and I took real good care of myself. I never drank or smoked, or stayed out at night. I let my hair down and pretended to be a girl so that I could stay in the nice shelters. I got passes at school to bring Jamie along with me, and I lied and told them that he had a mother.
I'm not stupid, I made sure to finish my schooling. I graduated high school last year with a full ride scholarship to George Brown college for the culinary arts. I figured that since I could cook, I might as well become a chef. Maybe save up for Jamie, college fees and whatnot.
He loves eating. He was a chubby baby. Jamie likes to eat everything I cook. I can let him taste my inventions and see whether or not they taste like crap. He usually eats all of his food, unless it tastes bad, and he's real healthy. Well... He has asthma, but I make sure that he's breathing well, the air in the apartment is clean and that he knows how to use his emergency puffer. I don't want him to need it and not know how to use it. What if he's separated from me and he has an attack? If I lost my Jamie, I wouldn't have anything left to live for.
I guess you want to know why I kept his true parentage a secret. Well, in America, male pregnancy is illegal. I know of three other guys who've had kids and lost them because of their gender. But I don't complain. Just 20 years ago, young men were killed and shot and beaten just for being pregnant. There were no services for male carriers and usually, the alpha father would get jail time while his partner and child would be killed. My grandfather on my father's side was a carrier. My father never knew him and my mother left because my father was an illegal child. I got to see my father though, he had me tested at a clinic and kept my condition a secret from my mother.
If it wasn't for my father, I don't know what I'd do. If any one finds out about me and Jamie, then I'd probably catch a one way plane to Canada. At least Jamie and I wouldn't have to hide from everyone. He can call me 'momma' in public and he can be who he wants to be. But I'm gonna have to finish college first. That way, when and if we go to Canada, I'll be able to provide for him.
Well, right now he's sleeping against my stomach. He looks so much like me. Messy, crazy, super-curly, cherry red hair, with big, emerald green eyes. He has my button nose. I think he's so adorable. But that doesn't mean that I think I'm adorable.
I hope life isn't hard on him. I hope he isn't a carrier.
Please don't let him be a carrier!
College is a bitch.
I barely have time for Jamie between school and work. He calls me during lunch break from the neighbors apartment, babbling about how much he misses me and how much he wants to cook with me again. But I don't have time for that anymore. My teachers are incredibly demanding and I work from 5:00 to 9:00 at the local supermarket, (the pay just manages to cover the rent and food, with some left over. We get by) and by the time I finally get home, Jamie is tucked in bed and fast asleep.
We wake up at 5:30 to drop Jamie at the Hudsons' apartment and catch my bus to the subway station. I reach school at 7:00 with half an hour before class starts. Then, lunch is 11:30 - 12:50, during which Jamie calls and we spend most of it talking. Then, at 3:00, I'm let out of school and I go to see Jamie at the Hudsons for a few minutes before heading off to the Walmart down the street.
I usually do my homework during work. Especially if I'm on cashier duty or loading duty. I have alot of free time while doing that. Most people come at 3:30 after work and school, so the major rush of the day is over by the time I check in. I can sit at the cash register and write frantically about how almond cream is better for pastries than buttermilk.
But I digress. I've been looking around on the internet at school and I've been seeing a very comforting trend. The housing prices are getting lower and lower in the central sector of Toronto. Jamie and I could buy a small condo near the central business district and I could work at one of the many restaurants found in the area while Jamie could go to school within walking distance of me. After school and work, we could go to the Roy Thompson Hall and watch a symphony orchestra play.
I am already saving up for a nice place. I've got about $5 000 already.
I am so excited for our futures!
I am about to take my first set of exams. They will be tough, but I'll be prepared. Jamie and I managed to get alot of time together looking for spectacular dishes we could practice for my tests. It's currently winter break and I have 2 full weeks off from school and work to spend with my Jamie. He was so excited when I told him that I was staying home with him for a while.
He suggested that I make a red velvet cake with green icing and baked oysters in a buttery marinade. Of course, he had said it in toddler speak, but it had the same essence. He loves my oysters. I had completely expected him to ask for that.
We had practiced cooking the dishes almost every day. My teacher had given us a $500 allowance from the school budget to be able to afford our own materials. I had used it to buy a small barrel of oysters, a few boxes of cheap frozen seafood and a few pounds of flour and cake supplies. I had put portions aside to keep for making my last batch to present to my professor.
I still have about $400 left. I think I'm going to use it on some new shoes for Jamie and I. And maybe a few haircuts. The college doesn't need to know.
Jamie keeps stealing spoonfulls of cake batter from the bowl. He's a little ninja!
I'm going to have to test him for the carrier gene soon. But it'll have to wait until we're in Canada and there aren't any laws against me having born him.
But I guess I just have to lie low for a few more months. And legally change our names.
We do need last names to get a passport. Jamie suggested Sunset. Because he loves watching the sunset. I love the sunset too. Elijah and Jamie Sunset. You know what? It has a nice ring to it.
Jamie and I now have legal surnames and we are legally able to travel to Canada next month after I graduate college. We have a small two bedroom condo in Toronto by the lake with utilities and furniture. I managed to rent it for $350/m - which is not an easy feat, let me tell you. I cannot wait until we finally move up there. It will be a new, exciting adventure for the both of us.
Jamie thinks that we're going to live on an ocean, since I took him to see Lake Ontario one weekend. He wants to fish with me and go to school in september... That might have to wait a few more years though.
I can already feel the pride in my chest. Jamie is only three years old and he knows how to perfectly char a creme brulee. Jamie is a culinary genius, often times completely ransacking the Hudsons' kitchen, making hot soup or roast chicken with a savory onion and pepper sauce. I think he's like einstein of the the kitchen. Of course, he doesn't touch the knives and cant reach high enough to turn on the stove or oven, so his creations stay raw until the Hudsons catch him and end up finishing what he started.
But when I graduate in a few weeks, we're immediately going to catch a plane to Canada, and Jamie can make whatever he wants.
Right now, Jamie is napping on my lap. I have a few free days seeing as exams do not require you to attend classes. Jamie hasn't left my lap since I got home. I can tell that he feels like he's losing me. But I always let him know how much I love him and how much he means to me.
If I lose him, I wouldn't be able to live on.
We're on the plane now. Jamie wont stop chatting away in my ear.
"momma, will I get my own room?" "momma, who is a loonie?"
I have to stop him right there. I can't have him thinking that a loonie is a person. It's money. One dollar to be exact. I pulled out a loonie to have him look at it. His eyes were wide as he looked at it.
The boy sitting beside us has been chatting with Jamie for most of the plane ride. His father is waiting for him at the airport and he is going to live with him. His mother apparently cannot stand him and resented his father for having been deported and finally managed to get rid of him.
Jamie is giving the boy a hug. It looks awkward. Jamie is about three times smaller than this boy.
The pilot sais that the plane will land in a half hour. Canada, here we come!
Canada is such a wonderful place!
I managed to snag a job within two weeks of living here and Jamie has been registered in the local daycare Centre. He talks about his playtime and his teacher and all of his friends. It's so great that he already loves it here.
I feel like I'm on top of the world! It is really wonderful that I managed to get such a great job in such a short time! The place is called 'Caliente' and it is apparently one of the most prestigious resturaunts in the city. The kitchen alone is worth more than one million dollars. I feel so out of place in there, but my colleagues are very welcoming and helpful in getting me settled.
Oh, I don't know how I even managed to get this job! It was all such a blur...
I managed to set up an appointment for Jamie at the local doctor. I really hope that he isn't a carrier. I don't want him to be unhappy for the rest of his life. But if he is, then he will always have his momma to take care of him.
Being a carrier is such a burden. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know that I will most likely never marry, much less find someone to be with. In the nights that I spend all alone in my bed I dream of strong arms and warmth. I am terribly shy and I still can't stand thinking about the incident during which Jamie was conceived. I still feel dirty somehow. I wish I could just get rid of these feelings, but I can't. It feels like I never will.
Jamie and I went to the doctor.
He tested positive for the carrier gene. It was so hard to keep my crying inside. I can't have Jamie feeling bad about this. It isn't his fault. And I know that I can't take the blame either but I just can't help it.
I don't want to see him alone on his prom night or date-less on date night... Or bullied at school for this. I know how cruel kids can be. My mother had refused to have me tested at the clinic, so by default, I was classified as a male. My classmates, however, took one look at me and called me such horrible names. They went as far as to physically harm me. Luckily, while pregnant with Jamie, my father had me change schools and registered as a girl, so that I could at least fit in as normal. People still taunted me. They called me a slut. It hurt.
But Jamie is and was worth it. He'll always be worth it.
At work, things have been good. I'm making $1000/m and Jamie is able to have new clothes. I can afford our little apartment and groceries are easy, and I have enough money left over to spend and still save up for Jamie. I know that he will be a big, famous person. He's so talkative, friendly and smart. Everything I'm not.
But I'm so glad for it.
My life was not going anywhere from the day I was born. A carrier's life is just a ticking clock. It is waiting until it's batteries die so another clock can take its place. My clock now ticks for Jamie, until he can replace me. But his clock ticks for a bigger cause.
Jamie's in the hospital. He's been comatose for about three days. He had a bad asthma attack at pre school in the bathroom. The teachers didn't find him in time...
I almost lost him.
He's so pale. He's so tiny.
He doesn't move or twitch at all. He is mimicking death. The only thing that tells me that he's alright is the beeping of the monitor.
Why is it speeding up?
That's what the doctors are telling me. Jamie needs emergency surgery. He might not make it out alive.
I can barely breath. The room feels like it's crushing the life out of me.
Jamie deserves so much better than this.
Why is he so unfortunate to have me as a parent? I can't provide for him or keep him out of harms way. I can't even hold myself together when he needs me the most...
The doctor said that the operation would take two hours. It's been almost three so far. Is something wrong?
Jamie has been in there for so long! When can I see if he's okay.
If I still even have him...
The doctor's here...
Oh thank whoever is looking down on me right now! Jamie is going to be just fine! The surgery took a little longer than planned because Jamie had some allergic reaction to the anesthesia used. The doctors cut his airway open, and took away some extra growth that was blocking his lungs. His asthma shouldn't be as serious...
Why wasn't the growth found by the doctor in America? Was the healthcare there that horrible?
Well, it doesn't matter anymore.
Jamie will be able to go out for sports and his asthma won't be too much of a problem. Wow. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
It's been two months since I began to go back to work. My boss has a son who is also a single carrier parent and he allowed me a week off to take care of Jamie. His throat is all healed up and he's talking up a storm.
I manage to bring him to work with me. I know it sounds crazy and a little irresponsible, but my boss insisted that Jamie become some sort of mascot, or something. They took pictures and posted them as advertisements for the restaurant. Jamie looks so cute when he smiles, he has these dimples. I have them too, but I don't like mine. Jamie's are so much better. I'm glad that he has everything that I don't.
What was I writing about? Oh yes, work.
Well~, my boss offered me the chance of a lifetime. I can travel to Jamaica to manage the newest addition to the Caliente enterprise. I would be in charge of running a high end restaurant in a high end hotel in one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world. Jamaica.
The Island of sunshine.
I know, I should take the job, but what about Jamie? The education system is much better in Canada... But carriers have longer life expectancies there... And they have overall healthier lifestyles.
Maybe I should go...
Canada's carrier education plan is almost as bad as America's. What was I thinking? They don't have any sort of adequate funding and schools force carriers to learn how to be slaves. How to clean, cook, basically be a housekeeper!
There isn't any other choice but to go to Jamaica. They have equal education opportunities for all genders. I made sure I did my research this time. Jamie's asthma attacks should be less serious if he has some good exercise in the hot Caribbean sun. He wants to be a dancer.
And if I take the job, I'll be earning $2000/m. Wow. That is a very large amount. There isn't any reason why I shouldn't take the job!
Besides, there are no more opportunities here in Canada, this country really let me down.
Oh well. In 2 weeks time, I'll be flying down to the tropics and getting to know the people down there, and a month after that -July 3rd-, I will throw Jamie a birthday party, he's turning 4... Wait! All of this has happened in only a year!?
That's right! I graduated George Brown only last year! Wow.
Christmas passed, my birthday... Is in two months. Crap.
I'll be 20.
The big two O.
Jamaica in two more days. Jamie is more than excited. He thinks that we'll be able to go to the beach everyday and fly to Disney World...
We can't. Of course, I have work, he will have school and Disney World is in America. We are never going back. well, we have to fly over it but it's totally different!
Oh, and my boss told me that I'll be working with world famous chef, Benton Maxon.
He's so hot... I'm not kidding! I mean, there is absolutely no way that he would ever be interested in me but a carrier can dream can't he? Aren't all Jamaican guys bisexuals? Their culture allows same sex relationships... So maybe? Oh no! Elijah, you cannot go into your new job with a crush on your new boss! Well, co-boss...
Oh whatever! I just got over the rape and I'm getting really curious about sex and marriage okay? I want to get married and give Jamie a daddy and have a bunch of kids with a strong hunk! And Benton Maxon is a hunk! A hot, tropical hunk with toned muscles and dreadlocks and dark skin and sex appeal for miles. He makes me want to take off all of my clothes and beg him to marry me and impregnate me...
Oh god! I sound desperate!
I'm so horny, it's like I'm in heat! But the weird thing is, I don't want any random hook up. I actually want a committed relationship with someone that will lead to marital sex, you know, after we're married, and children. It's like my womb is trying to get another kid in itself. I swear!
Jamie wants me to be pregnant too. But only because he has seen all the other kids with siblings and wants me to give him a little brother or a big sister... I don't know how I'll give him an older sister but I'll try!
We're on the plane to Jamaica and it is three hours until we land. My boss got us first class straight trip tickets and Jamie and I are flying refined~
Jamie's hopped up on the candy I let him have, that was a bad idea in hindsight... His legs are twitching and his pupils are dilated. What was in that lollipop?!
He's chatting with the flight attendant. She's listening to him talk about gummy bears and gummy worms and which would caramelize better in a cake. She looks very lost.
The man sitting in front of us smells horrible... Did he bathe with spoiled butter!?
The plane is about to land...
It's really hot here...We've been here for about two days now and Jamie is a bit tanned. There are tan lines on his neck. I've been putting lotion on him like crazy. I don't want him to get sunburned.
I haven't met Benton Maxon yet. He's in some sort of custody battle with his ex-wife and he hasn't been able to meet with me yet. But I'm not complaining. I would do anything to keep Jamie, so I won't begrudge him on this. And hopefully, when we meet, he will have full custody of his children.
Jamie's asthma is just about gone. He still wheezes, but he doesn't need his large inhaler to breath anymore. All he needs is his weak puffer. I'm so happy.
He is running around with the neighbor's dog. I do worry about allergies and how it might affect his asthma, but he needs to explore. And I can't keep him sheltered like this.
I guess things have certainly changed, huh? One day, I'm limping home because of some bully, the next moment, I'm waking up in some back alley and I realize that someone raped me, and nine months later, I'm stuck with this sweet, tiny baby and he's all mine.
I guess things began looking up when Jamie was born. I realized my talent for cooking and I got a full ride scholarship to a cooking program at a nice college. And then, I managed to move to Canada, get an amazing job and then be promoted to co-manager
I mean, what are the odds of it happening to me? I never ever ever ever thought that this could happen to me!
Oh, the phone is ringing...
Crap. Benton just called and he told me that he could meet me at the restaurant in an hour. I have nothing to wear!
Wow. Benton is ripped.
When Jamie and I walked into the restaurant, I saw him. His dreadlocks fell down his back and his skin was dark mocha and his pants hugged his thighs and his junk. ... ... ...
Ahem... Oh Gosh, I was blushing the entire time. His voice is deep and smooth and he had a thick accent. I felt so inferior! I barely reach his shoulders and he's an Adonis! Jamie gaped at the fish tank the entire time. He kept on saying hello to the Nemo and the dory. He loves finding Nemo. he has that entire movie memorized.
Benton was so nice! I swear, if I could have him, I would take him. He's perfect. He doesn't smoke or drink and he takes care of these autistic twins almost every day. And his son and daughter are going to be living with him if he wins the custody battle with his ex wife.
I think I'll have to work on my blushing.
My face is so pale, if I blush, everyone will be able to see it clearly. It's pathetic.
Benton told me that the restaurant was to open in one month and by that time, the news will have spread throughout the city.
Today is Jamie's birthday and he had a big birthday party with Benton and his children and miss Adelade next door. He didn't want too many people at his party.
Benton's kids are 6 and 12. Sunny and Gabriella. Sunny and Jamie hit it off right away. They were inseparable. Gabriella and I had a great talk. She and I have alot in common. Her mother had been absent for most of her young life, so much so that she cannot ever recall her mother at all. She loves to cook and hates messy kitchens.
Her brother, who I found out is her half-brother, has adhd. He is full of energy and Jamie loves it. They played all day and into the evening. Benton had warned me about Sunny's energy. Jamie didn't have an attack though, which I count as an accomplishment. He really did have a great time at his first real birthday party. He ate quite a bit of cake.
Benton and I are opening the restaurant in a week. The day before my birthday. Seeing the people around this place, I can't help but think that a restaurant of Caliente's calibre is distinctly out of place. The food prices may not be expensive in Canada, but here, they're quite high. Jamaica might be a beautiful place with beautiful people, but it is on the poorer side.
I'll have to tell Benton that we'll need to adjust the prices.
Jamie is finally asleep. He crashed at about 9:00 after all that sugar. He barely had enough energy for me to give him his bath. He was so cute as he was falling asleep in his towel. His eyes were droopy and...
I love my son. So much. So much it hurts. Jamie is my whole world. Nothing would matter if I didn't have Jamie bear.
Benton took me and the kids out to the beach. Jamie, Sunny and Gabby went full out wild. Benton and I sat on the towel watching our kids play.
That makes it sound like we have kids together. Now I'm blushing!
Jamie waded into the water first, as he's a fish. Sunny refused to go into the water without his dad, so Benton, with his infinite strength, lifted me into his arms and carried me all the way into the water and tossed me stomach first into neck deep water. I was eternally thankful that I knew how to swim. He was laughing outright. That jerk. That tall, dark and handsome jerk. Jamie insisted that Benton toss him as well, which I did not agree to, but Benton did it anyway. Jamie floundered in the waist deep water for a few seconds before he began to laugh. Sunny and Gabby were next.
And then Jamie called Benton 'daddy'.
My heart clenched painfully at the look of adoration in Jamie's eyes. He didn't even understand what he did. Benton only smiled and kissed his head.
I nearly cried. Jamie wants a daddy so much and I can't even give him that. I apologized to Benton on the way home, but he told me that every kid needs a daddy, and that he would be honored to be that for Jamie. Does he know how attractive he is?
I wish I had the courage to ask him out for coffee.
Today was opening night at the restaurant and the kids were invited to be attendants for the evening. The patrons and customers loved the food and were greatly impressed at the quality of service that we had to offer. At the end of the night, we held a small meeting for the staff, congratulating them on their hard work. It was such a great night. Benton and I worked like a well oiled machine. He handled the grilled meats and veal while I took over the pastries and soups and salads. Our staff consisted of about 18 young Men and women (five men, nine women, four carriers).
They were all very young, (although most still older than me...) and they were islanders. They had beat the odds and become successful in their field. It is truly amazing how great my staff is. They were very competent and helpful. Jamie took a liking to an 18 year old waiter who let him taste his portion of grilled veal.
Jamie loves tasting new things~
He once said that his favorite thing to do was try new things. Who am I to deny him an adventure?
It's my birthday today. Benton and the kids baked me a cake and made a card for me. It was really nice to have everyone there, smiling. I never used to have parties for my birthday, as my mother never wanted to waste the money, but Benton had insisted.
Jamie hugged me after Benton, Sunny and Gabby had left. He said that I'm his 'biggest most favorite momma ever'.
I nearly cried with happiness. We cuddled on the couch, just like when we were in New York, and he rested his head on my tummy. He fell asleep halfway through finding Nemo, and didn't even stir as I tucked him into his bed.
My baby boy.
You know, I really like children. I already think of Benton's kids as my own, maybe he and I could work out. Maybe he and I could have that connection and end up living on the beach together with lots of kids.
I hope he never reads this... But with my luck, he'll probably end up reading this tomorrow!
Of all the rotten luck! Benton found my freaking book today and he freaking read it! He asked me what it was, but I grabbed it and fled the kitchens before he could say anything else.
I'm so embarrassed! He READ MY BOOK!
Oh god. He'll find out about my feelings. My life is over!
When I got back to the restaurant... Benton kissed me. Like, full out, teenage makeout with steam and pink confetti and fireworks in the distance. I almost passed out.
He told me that he wasn't sure if I liked him, as if I wouldn't appreciate all that he has to offer! He wants to pursue a relationship with me. My life has taken a turn for the BETTER! He wants to date, and maybe, we could get married on the beach with white hibiscus flowers and then we'll settle down and he'll have all the time in the world during our honeymoon to get me pregnant.
I'm thinking too far ahead. I need to go on the first date still.
I'm so excited about this! Jamie said that now we were a 'real live family!'
I'm the momma, and Benton is the papa.
What should I wear on the date? I don't want to look slutty, but I don't want to seem like a prude... Maybe I could wear my green dress shirt and my black slacks. Jamie said that he liked it when I wore that. I wore that when we first arrived in Jamaica. Jamie said that it made my eyes sparkle. Maybe a little eye liner would go a long way?
The date was so great! Miss Adelade took Jamie for me, promising him a game of monopoly. Jamie wished me a good date, giving me a sloppy kiss goodbye. I would be so lost without Miss Adelade. She's been so much help to me, coming over to help me clean with Jamie. She lost her son three years ago in the war in Afghanistan. (Which was such a waste of time, money and soldiers! ) she fell in love with Jamie the day we had arrived in Jamaica. I think she's teaching him how to play poker, though... He keeps saying that he folds when he's tired...
Benton took me to a tiny restaurant on the beach. It served ox-tail and Festival. And ackees and gongo rice and peas. It was very Jamaican and homey. He told me that it was where he and his papa and father came to eat. He said that his parents died in a gun shooting in America. They had gone for their fiftieth anniversary and they didn't come back. I might have cried a little...
By the time we got home, Benton and I had shared our stories. He did say that he wished that my mom was more understanding, but if she wasn't the bitch she is, I would never have met Benton, gotten a scholarship, I probably wouldn't even have Jamie.
I am thankful that she was horrible.
Jamie ran out to meet us just as our lips were about to meet. He slammed into our legs and smiled up at us. He managed to weasel a kiss out of Benton too... Little weasel. I never even got mine...
Benton and I could really work out.
Benton takes care of these autistic twins almost every day. From 7:30 am to 2:00 PM, they are with him, then he takes them back to their group home and goes to work until 10:00.
The twins, Ronald and Regina, are very artistic. They come with mountains of scribbled papers and pencils and pens. Jamie had a ball helping them color their pictures. They are very good! They drew Benton and myself, it was very scary. It was like looking in a mirror.
I'm feeling really good about moving to Jamaica.
Hah, look at me. I'm happy!
It's been six months since I last wrote in here.
Wow. What do I say? Write? Say. Yes. Say.
Benton proposed yesterday! That's what I'll say! Oh my gosh, it was so romantic! I said yes, of course! Who knew that I would ever be so lucky?
He took me on a boat ride on our day off, saying that he just wanted to treat me to something nice. But then soft music began to play and he swept me off my feet. We danced in the moonlight and just... Oh it was so nice!
But then as we sat down to eat the dinner he had packed, I noticed a ring on the breadstick. Oh my goodness these things only ever happen in bad romantic comedies!
He told me that he knew what he wanted. And he wanted a relationship that didn't start off with an obligation. He wanted someone who knew his quirks (there are a lot of them...) and knew how he liked his pig trotters and steamed rice. He wanted someone who made him happy and who doesn't need to be tied to him for other reasons besides love.
It was like a freaking dam broke.
But I said yes. That's what's most important!
Gabby and Sunny are happy for us, they begun to call me mama weeks ago. I didn't even realize until days after when Sunny came running to me crying "Mama! Mama!"
It's a really nice feeling.
But my wish is coming true. I'm going to get married to Benton and we will be a family. Oh my gosh! I'm freaking out! I just love him and Sunny and Gabby and Jamie loves them too. We are going to be a family.
Haha, six months! Six months and I accumulated so much! I met a woman who works at the local supermarket and we hit it off immediately. Her name is Marcia. I call her Marci'. She has no kids yet, but she and her husband are planning to have one when she finishes studying to be a doctor. She and Jamie are like old souls. Jamie, Gabby me and Marci all go out to buy clothes.
Oh, and Clint, one of the carriers on the staff at work, recently got married! He was so happy with his husband. It was a simple ceremony, Caliente did the catering, it was in his mother's backyard. But it was beautiful. We were all very happy for them.
But now it's my turn!
Jamie and miss Adelade are playing poker. I knew it!
I caught them when I came home early from work. She apologized, but at least they were only betting small hard candies. Jamie does get to learn about numbers and adding too, so maybe this isn't all bad.
Benton began to bring Regina and Ronald to work. They need to be exposed to the workplace, and the agency decided that Benton would be most accommodating for them.
Oh! We set a date for our wedding! In three months, I'll be Mr. Sunset-Maxon. Benton and I have picked out the venue, the colour scheme and his suit. My suit needs to be white. It is customary for carriers to wear white to their wedding.
Before I moved here, I was ashamed of being a carrier. But Benton taught me how to love myself. With out him, I don't know how I could have even come close to the confidence I now possess. Benton and the kids are my rock. Some people need god, some people need their job, I only need my family.
Oh Gosh, I'm crying.
But they're happy tears, don't worry.
Jamie and Sunny are napping on the floor. I laid down a few thick blankets and comforters and two pillows and let them sleep. Gabby is watching tv. The twins are sharing a bowl of cereal. Benton is at the bank, I think. We're all just relaxing today.
My hair is officially out of control. It reaches mid back. Jamie's hair is in desperate need of a cut as well. I'll go on Thursday.
For now, I'll just watch this Jamaican comedy with my future step-daughter. Oh! Looks like I did manage to give Jamie an older sister! Funny how things work out, huh?
The wedding is really taking up time. The planning is taking so long! Benton and I need to pick out china and buy new clothes for the kids and find a live band. Gosh, I didn't know that it would take so much work. How do wedding planners live!?
The colour scheme is white, red and green. Benton insisted that it match my eyes and hair. I wanted green and blue, because red and green seems too festive, but I digress.
Oh, Gabby got honors recognition at her school! I'm so proud of her! She really does work hard at her school work. Of course, she sometimes needs to ask me or Benton for help, but she does very well to make sure that she has learned everything needed. She practices and studies by teaching Sunny and Jamie. Sunny can at least read, but Jamie can't write or read quite yet. But he listens intently. I guess that's a good start.
Benton is very handsy. He touches the kids and I as if to constantly confirm that we're still there. Little brushes across my back or shoulders or my arms and if he's in a bad mood, he'll bury his nose in my neck. He's a really enthusiastic cuddler. He leaches my body heat and when we wake up, we're both sweating like pigs.
I've been so busy! The wedding is tomorrow and I finally managed to get a chance to sit and write. Benton and I can't sleep in our room together tonight, so he's staying over at his friend's house. I get the entire bed to myself. Well, my self and the kids. Sunny likes to wrap around me and Gabby likes to rub her fingers over the sheets. Jamie just wants to be on top of me. We're a tangle of limbs by the time we wake up, usually Benton is with us, but tonight it'll be just us.
Miss Adelade insisted that she do my hair and fix my clothes. She's always wanted to have a chance to do this. She's been so much like a mother to me since Jamie and I arrived and I am so thankful that she is my neighbor.
I don't know what's going happen in the next 32 hours, but I'm sure it'll be great!
Sex is amazing. It's animalistic and intense. It's so intimate and private yet so open and... Goodness. I've become a sexual deviant. I blame Benton.
On to a less m-rated note, I'm pregnant!
It's been two months since we've been married and he wants more kids, I've been ready since before I met him. Jamie and I moved into his house. It has many extra bedrooms and a really big bathroom. We can all fit inside.
I finally did it.
Of course, while doing it, I didn't realize my goal, but I've won. I've won my freedom, my happiness and my dignity. Everything that my mother tried to take away from me, everything that America tried to beat me down with, everything that I was so ashamed of, I've conquered. I've won.
This is my last page. This book has been with me since I was 18. It's been a good run. It'll continue for a long time.
I'm so thankful that I have Jamie, that stint in the hospital really scared me. I'm so happy to have Benton. I'm so happy to have Sunny and Gabby. And now Ronald and Regina. And miss Adelade! And Marci! Wow.
I need to buy a new notebook.
so, how was it? ive been working on this for a few years :) my friend likes it, but she is a yaoi otaku, like me! haha