WARNING: This is a parody. It is not meant to be realistic, taken seriously, or offensive in any way. Bad puns, sarcasm and jabs at the media in general.

Celebrity Gossip

*The following articles below state the utmost truth and have been in no way fabricated for the Editor's amusement.

A Week in the life of Pinky Pinkleface

Monday

On the 4th of February, the magenta-haired siren released her rather raunchy single "Pinkle me with your Pinky Pink". Though the music video for this particular song was met with controversy and banned in several countries due to the over-exposure of the colour 'pink' (research by the well renown SlightlyDubious Clinic which specializes in DodgyTheories has claimed this may be the leading cause of brain tumours), the song itself was an overnight success reaching the No. 1 position on the Top 100 beating Jacque le Jerk's dance number "Jerkalicious." When questioned about what was so remarkable about Miss. Pinkleface's new song, a gushing fan replied on the verge of tears "It's so… pink!" to which the moved crowd around her responded to with hearty cheers.

Tuesday

The following day marked the beginning of Pinky's rather brief fling with dashing Kung-Fu superstar, Teriyaki Ping-Ping. Miss. Pinkleface was taking a casual stroll through a conspicuously deserted alleyway at precisely 3:42pm when she encountered Mr. Ping-Ping. Under usual circumstances they probably would have greet each other in a cordial manner before exchanging business cards but according to Mr. Ping-Ping's manager, the said man had forgotten to wear his contacts that afternoon. Unfortunately for Pinky in the dim lighting of the alley and with his faulty eyesight, Teriyaki mistook Miss. Pinkleface for notorious mafia leader 'The PowderPiffle' who also shared the singer's neon hair. "The PowderPiffle" is infamous around the entire globe for his theft of marshmallows from the warmest hot chocolate before they have even melted. Acting on his reflexes, Mr. Ping-Ping flipped Pinky onto the ground before Miss. Pinkleface had a chance to react. The last words Pinky recalls before losing conscience were "So… pink" thus, concluding their rather short fling.

Wednesday

By the time the middle of the week struck, Miss. Pinkleface was recovering in a hospital bed. Despite her numerous injuries that include a fractured arm, dislocated elbow and cracked ribs, Pinky claimed her most painful wound was her broken heart. "Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead." Miss. Pinkleface stated wisely when asked for her opinion concerning the recent turn of events. However, the young pop star was far from giving up on the clean-cut Teriyaki. In a flurry of passion, she sent a stunning total of five thousand texts to his mobile (which if our sources are correct, she acquired from an affair with his agent's dog). Unfortunately, Mr. Ping-Ping had no interest in Miss. Pinkleface justifying this with the fact he needed to be in perfect health for his next series of action blockbusters and he had heard that over-exposure of pink could lead to resulting brain tumours. (See Monday)

Thursday

After moping about in dismay for a grand total of a few hours, Pinky decided to take things to drastic measures. At 12noon on the dot, she had approximately 3 truckloads of gummy worms delivered to her hospital room under the pretence it was her 'lunch'. Apparently, the hospital staff were all on their 'lunch break' at the time and therefore claimed to have not seen this rather extravagant delivery. The truth was these delicious treats were used for a far more sinister purpose than simple 'lunch'. Distraught by Mr. Ping-Ping's rejection, Miss. Pinkleface planned to commit suicide by consuming over fifty gummy worms in a single mouthful in hope that she would choke upon the tasty morsels. Surprisingly, she was not successful as upon consuming the first gummy worm, her love for the sweet itself was rekindled and she spent the afternoon finishing off the three truckloads in earnest.

Friday

Though our reports confirmed Pinky Pinkleface was alive and (reasonably) well after the dramatic occurrences of the day before, Pinky seemed to have gained an astounding amount of weight due to her rather flamboyant suicide attempt. Miss. Pinkleface was distressed to say the least when she stepped on the scale after she was released from hospital in the morning. Following this, she immediately began the world renown 'Fantastic Replenishing Amazing Universal Diet' commonly abbreviated to "FRAUD". This primarily consists licking the insides of an empty bowl three times a day with a plastic grapefruit garnish sprinkled with mineral water for additional flavour. The best part about FRAUD according to Miss. Pinkleface is that "It tastes like nothing at all! I'm feeling constantly, like, hungry and de-hydrated which is, like, a sure sign of good health - you can even, like, count my ribs now!" SlightlyDubious Clinic claims that FRAUD will do wonders for any body type and soon give you the skeleton like figure you desire. Head of DodgyTheories Department, Dr. Con Spicuous confirms this. "You'll look like your great-great-great-great-great-grandmother in a matter of days!"

Saturday

Sales of Miss. Pinkleface's single "Pinkle me with your Pinky Pink" began to plummet at the start of the weekend. Many of her fans were worried about the recent scandals surrounding their favourite singer including her new frightfully thin figure, smuggling gummy worms into the hospital not to mention her 'tough love' fling with Mr. Teriyaki Ping-Ping.

"There's just not enough of her to be pink anymore!" An extremely emotional fan screeched in distress.

By the late evening, all purchases of Miss. Pinkleface's song had almost completely stopped save for an elderly lady in Greenland who had recently adopted a pet Llama.

Sunday

It was on this particular day that Pinky Pinkleface announced her retirement from the music industry. In her final interview with her management 'Rip-Off Records', Pinky seemed more composed than she had been thorough the whole entire week.

"I would like to like, thank all my fans and like, supporters. In fact, I would like to thank, like, one fan in particular so, like, much that I've actually decided to, like, marry them."

The blushing pink bride was then promptly whisked off to the airport, where she caught the closest connecting flight to Siberia. There she enjoyed a quiet ceremony in a countryside chapel with her dashing groom Mr. Erm Llama and his 'mother' Ms. Olde-bauge from Greenland. The happy couple were delighted to seal their love in privacy with the a select few guests consisting of fifty bridesmaids, fifty best men, five hundred maids-of-honour and a mere total of five million guests.

"Today, was truly the happiest day of my, like, life." An extremely proud Pinky gushed to us. Here at 'Chronicle' magazine, we completely agree with her…

Well, at least until next week.

A/N: I usually refrain from writing parody but when I was instructed to write an 'celebrity gossip' section for my English class magazine I couldn't quite resist. I hope you all enjoyed it and please feel welcome to drop a review or just tell me what you think.