The scene begins with three kids trapped in their school due to a raging blizzard. A senior, a black male by the name of another senior, Chloe the ditzy blonde, and a freshman, no life-video game nerd by the name of Marvin. They are sitting in the hallway looking very disgruntled.
Chloe- "I'm totally like going to sue the school once we get out." Her voice is high pitched and preppy.
Tyrone-"for reals dog, I got places to be yo"
Marvin-"The tournament starts in an hour, if I'm not there my party is gonna be canceled"
Chloe-"omg your going to a party?"
Marvin-"Well, it's not actually a party, its just an online group…"
Tyrone-"Dat is some shit right there."
Chloe- "Gasp, you cussed."
Tyrone- "Got a probably with that princess?"
Suddenly a huge bang of metal made them all jump, it came from down in the dark end of the hall.
Chloe-"What was that?"
Tyrone-"How da hell should I know?"
Marvin- "Maybe it's something trying to force it's way into our world."
Tyrone-"Dang man, my mama's aunt was running from the po-lice once, and she woke up in a field, all her crack was gone man, that ain't no easy brick to lift, my aunt been working twenty years on the street so she good in heels and can-"
Chloe-"We don't need to be hearing about this ok! Like, just go kill it or something, gosh yall are more pissy than my dad when I stopped wearing my purity ring"
Abruptly, the lights in the hall flicker, then turn off. Marvin begins to weeze.
Marvin- "I need my inhaler."
Chloe- "Such a drama queen."
Marvin- "I can't breathe."
Tyrone-"Yo man something touched my foot!"
Chloe-"Ah something touched my chest"
Marvin-"Sorry that was me, I need comfort"
The sound of Marvin being slapped echoes through the halls.
Tyrone- "Yo, anyone got some weed?"
Marvin is still hypervenelating. "Inhaler, I need my inhaler."
Chloe- "Weed is bad for you. It will kill you and get you pregnant ."
Tyrone-"Girl you tripping?"
Marvin-"G-g-g-g-guys, some-th-thing is commming" he pointed shakily in the shadows. There was an ever darker lump on the ground.
Tyrone-"Naw dawg, that's just a book bag, I got ya fool no worries" he got up and started walking over to it, Marvin and Chloe protesting.
Tyrone looks back at them, the bookbag stands up and is now a shadow human.
Marvin-"Oh god, oh god, it's slenderman!"
Chloe-"Whatever your name is, move!"
Tyrone looks back at the bookbag now human thing and turns white.
He takes of running away with his hands flailing in the air. The shadow thing begins to run after him in a ninja fashion, they all come to the realization that it's a ninja.
Marvin-"Don't worry, I'll clothesline him then choke him and-"
He is cut off by the ninja catching up, grabbing him and throwing him over his body.
Chloe-"Ah! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"
The ninja grabs her purse.
Chloe-"Oh no girl, that is Gucci, we are gonna have a problem"
Chloe round house kicks him in the face while punching him with her foot and also taking his face mask ninja thing with her other foot. And also reapplying lip gloss.
Tyrone- "Damn girl, where you learn those moves?"
Chloe- "Oh, I watched Twilight. Like OMG," she squeals. "Taylor Launter is so freaking hot, like with a capital H! I so want to be his wife, like I googled how to be a warewolf, but all I got was how to wear your dog as a coat. Did you know that Taylor-"
Tyrone interrupts- "I think we should hide, there might be more of them."
Marvin- "Inhaler!" his body is twitching.
Chloe-"Think he's a liability?" she asks Tyrone.
Tryone-"Hoe I think yall all a lia-whatever. I'm out dog" he throws his hands up and begins to walk away."
Chloe-"omg your like do brave going out with a supernatural demon on the loose, he will totally drag you to hell"
Tyrone- "Wait, demon? My mama told me about demons bro"
Chloe- "Yeah, they stalk you and steal your soul then take you to hell where you have to live out your worst fears for enternity, your so brave taking that chance"
Tyrone- "Wait yo be trippin, I ain't leavin' yall. Ain't no way I'm spending eternity round my aunt Dolesha"
The group bands together, Marvin recovers and gets off the ground. They all begin moving deeper into the school towards the office to call for help.
Marvin- "Isn't the power down, how can we use the phone?"
Chloe- "Um, duh, cell phone."
Marvin- "You have one?"
Chloe- "Well, I was using it in my car to check my reflection. I hit a bump and it kind of, well, fly out the window."
Tyrone- "All you lilly white people are the same, with yo fancy phone and yo fancy cars. You ain't never appreciate it either. If I had money, I'd buy more shit, but I'd take care of it."
Marvin- "You're ranting again."
Tyrone- "Shut up you fat cracker."
Chloe- "Hey I'll have you know I had to get a C in all my classes to get that phone! And I used a geek to do my projects once!"
Marvin- "Uh, actually that geek was me"
Suddenly, a loud alarm started to blare. Tyrone and Chloe fell to the ground, covering their heads, while Marvin looked up with his arms out stretched.
Marvin- "Mercy God, have mercy on my soul!"
Tyrone- "Get down foo!"
He gets pulled to the ground and they all hide in the shadows as a group of Nazi's passed by.
Nazi Ein-"Heil zein Nazi leader!"
Nazi Zwei- "Yes, Heil Nai leader. Soon the plan shalt be completed and we will fufill our role as zein portal activators and bring about lord Satan"
Nazi Ein- "Da! Heil zein Nazi leader Satan!"
Nazi Zwei- "And heil our communist principals!"
Nazi Ein- "hie, hie. And our detest for women"
Nazi Zwein- "now let us continue walking in this absurd duck fashion"
The Nazi's continue on and go out of sight.
Chloe- "Did they mention Satan?"
Marvin- "Why are there Nazi's in our school?"
Tyrone- "What the hell is communist?"
The group begins to follow the pair of communist Satanic nazi's who disprespect women to the main office where more Nazi's were waiting, inside everything was torn up and thrown into the hall in a barricade. A huge pentagram was on the floor.
Chloe- "Like omg, that looks so scary. You should go in uh-whats your face, Tyrone! Yeah your name is Tyrone"
Tyrone- "Hoe ain't no way I am goin' in there. I don't want nothing to do with whatever the hell these Nazi's are"
Marvin- "My mom says I shouldn't talk to strangers sorry"
Suddenly something dark crawls up beside them, it's the dark figure that they mistook for a book bag but turned into a ninja not too many pages ago.
Ninja- "Come with me if you want to live"
Chloe- "Ah bug!"
She grabs him and cracks his neck.
Tyone- "Goddammit bitch that needs to stop happening"
Chloe- "My bad, my bad, but ugh could you imagine if it had been a bug? Creepy"
The Nazi's all leave with their lunch pails full of wurst and schwarzwalder.
Marvin- "Hey so maybe we should call the police from the office phone"
Chloe- "the power is out stupid"
Tyrone- "Yo dog, we need some batteries up in here"
Marvin- "Well if I rewire the electrical circuits behind the computer it could give us a brief spark of electricity from the backwards current. We could probably have enough time to make a call"
Tyrone – "So like, a reverse current surge on the mainframe unit?"
They both stare at him strangely
Tyrone- "What, my cous' steals lots of best buy equipment"
Marvin- "Ok moving on, I'll go in with Chloe, Tyrone you watch for people to check if they come in"
Tyrone- "I got this little nerd"
They all set out to the plan. Chloe and Marvin are at the computer covered in wires.
Chloe- "You have absolutely no idea how to do this do you"
Marvin- "Maybe if we found some batteries somewhere…"
Suddenly the communist satanic Nazi's who disrespect women burst into the room.
Nazis- "Freeve! Step away from ve mainframe. It is not time vor overlord Satan to come forvh yet!"
Tyrone runs in dramatically.
Tryone- "Yo, yall the Nazi's are comin' bro"
Looks at the Nazi's
Tyrone- "What with the guys in suits?"
Chloe- "Those are the Nazi's!"
Tyrone- "Whoops my bad"
He laughs it off.
Someone starts shooting then people start running, Tyrone hide on the ceiling while everyone else just runs around somehow not getting hit.
Chloe- "We need a plan!"
Marvin- "I got this! Look the eagles are coming! I summoned them earlier with a magic butterfly in my dreams!"
A crow flies into the glass window and dies.
Tyrone- "Yo don't worry I got this!"
He jumps down, walks out, takes the dead bird, and walks back into the room.
Tyrone- "Caw caw motherfreakers"
He then proceeds to beat everyone with the dead bird and has them rounded into a corner trying to use their buddies as a shield from the wicked dead bird lashing this brave man was dealing upon them. Meanwhile in hell Satan was sipping some tea of the blood of an Englishman when he heard someone being completely crazy and strange but in a completely not failing way like the rest of the world was in right now. He decided to pay a visit and perhaps usher in the apocalypse if he had time. So after turning off the stove and feeling Mr. Fluffypants, the kitten spawn of hell, he went up to see what all was going down on this bright happy afternoon in the second worst place on earth.
The pentagram glows and Satan bursts out of nowhere, completely singing the carpet like nobodys business. Seriously the stains would never come out, you'd have to repaint the walls and recarpet the floors, not to mention air it out for a couple of days to get rid of the burning bodies and carpet smell. The administration would have no where to go while some people who mostly just sat around waiting for parts were in their office, perhaps they could make the attendance office their new home. Student services had too many kids in it, but at least they would have to do any sort of delay on the building process. They would need so much vaccuming though, carpenters today always seem to leave it. Not to mention moving all the furniture back, although to get it in and out of the door you would have to take it apart then reassemble it back there, hopefully within a good time frame because there is only so much administration everyone else can take before going crazy and doing something like calling some racist communist Nazi's to go and perform a demonic uprising in the attendance office. While if you think about it would end up summoning Satan yet again and then the whole issue of cleaning and redoing the attendance office would be repeated and it would never solve anything, but of course not actually being a teacher and only being a secretary type of person, you might not think that through all the way. Although honestly if you were going by sanity they would have a lot more because they didn't have to deal with the kids absolutely all the freaking time, but then they would only get to see them when they came to you with a problem. Which might not be that bad but based on the amount you make it's not a very good alternative type of thing. Assuming your unmarried the pay would be horrible, you could probably make more off selling your toe nail clippings to freaks on the internet than you do making an honest living doing secretary type work in a school, but assuming you would sell your toe nail clippings to freaks on the internet in the first place is a bit of a stretch. Also everyone is cowering away from Satan and not only because he smells like burnt bodies and carpet.
Marvin- "Oh my god, oh my god-"
Chloe-"Show a little respect Marvin, gosh, have you any idea the cultural sensitivity here?"
Marvin- "But he's the devil"
Chloe- "And I'm Harry Styles girlfriend, look he isn't the devil, I like totally go to church, he can't leave the pentagram unless we sacrifice an animal or whatever to it"
Marvin- "What kind of church do you go to again?"
Tyrone accidentially drops the dead bird on the pentagram. Satan explodes in a ball of yellow fire of power.
Chloe- "See, now he is the full devil free to take our souls and torture them for all eternity"
Suddenly seven ninja's burst into the room.
Ninja- "We will stop you Satan-san!"
At that moment the power rangers come in after them.
Power Ranger Red- "Let's do this guys, with the power of friendship!"
Ninja- "Who are you and why do you look ridiculous?"
Power Ranger Samurai's suddenly burst into the room after them, only getting a little bit stuck on the door.
PRS Red- "Oh come on guys I thought you would let us be handling this one"
Ninja- "You aren't even from the same culture as us!"
Chloe- "See, cultural sensitivity"
Slenderman stands in the corner but no one remembers.
Ninja- "Look you are all a bunch of pansies, not to mention your American, we can handle this, we're Buddhists!"
Power Ranger Red- "We gotta work as a team man! For friendship!"
PRS Red- "And for a new season!"
Ninja- "No you are all just being stupid go away! Your not even old enough to drive!"
Power Ranger Red- "Actually, we're about forty by now"
PRS Red- "We were thirty to begin with"
Ninja- "What is even going on? If you want to die then fine, go ahead, but don't get us killed too!"
Satan used Solar Beam on all of them. It was super effective.
Koolaid man bursts through the wall.
Koolaid- "Oh yeah!"
Nazis- "Vook! Vook! It is da Mr. Koolvaid man! Mr. Koolvaid! Mr. Koolvaid! We vove you Mr. Koolvaid!"
Koolaid- "Remember kids, Koolaid man says respect women, and democracy!"
Nazi's- "Voh, I guess ve vill stop then. But can ve still be racist?"
Koolaid- "Go right ahead!"
Tyrone- "Woah woah woah, wait koolaid for real? Aw dawg I love ya man!"
They proceed to have a super slow motion bro hug with the song of "How can I live without you" playing in the background. No tear went unshed.
Satan- "This has really warmed my heart, free hugs for everbody!"
Chloe- "No Marvin he's- ah wait hang on got a text"
Marvin proceeds to hug Satan then bursts into flame and dies twitching.
Satan- "BWAHAHAHAHAHA, OH MAN DID YOU SEE THAT SUCKER FRY? OH GOD I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, OH THAT'S TOO GOOD. HANG ON IMMA CALL MY BRO"
Satan makes a phone call.
Satan- "Yo dude you would never guess what happened? That nerdy one actually fell for it! No I ain't playing man! Aww sweet I gotta send you a pic, hang on"
Satan plays around with the picture taking.
Tyrone(on the phone)- "Dang! No way man that's some sick shiz! Aight' but I gotta go, there's a bunch of Nazi's like everywhere bro they keep bein' racist up in here"
Satan(still on the phone)- "Dang man, people be trippin'"
Tyrone(phone)- "Amen to that brother. But yeah stay icey fresh my brathar"
They hang up. Marvin's burnt corpse stops twitching and then a bright light emerges. When its gone Marvin is a sleeping half bunny guy, complete with the floppy ears and puffy tail and wings.
Marvin- "Aw sweet! I'm just like kurby!"
Out of completely freaking nowhere in the center of the school, a huge ancient turtle beast that was sleeping in the earth core awake and charged through the surface from the insane amount of completely asinine events unfolding. The school split in half and the giant turtles head looked over at them then breathed fire at them, thankfully the turtle was blind and was turned the other way since he relied on smell and when your in the center of the earth that long you tend not to have much to smell, but still he was a huge freaking turtle.
He looked up longingly at the turtle, remembering the sad story of when his house was broken into and his favorite pet turtle Muffins was used to stab his father thirteen times in the skull. This was completely not Muffins however because that would be stupid considering its barely even a turtle, but still, the emotions were there.
Tyrone- "Aight dawg, that's it, I'm out, not even gonna do this no more"
Tyrone proceeded to leave in a good mannerily fashion after changing his grades using the school computer that had received energy again when Satan turned it back on to make the phone call.
Chloe- "OMG like Tony just asked me to be his girlfriend! I have to call Katie right now and rub it in her little bulimic face!"
Chloe was pretty much ignored the entire rest of the time.
Satan- "So uh, anybody actually want to stop it because I am pretty much good here with letting it be"
Nazi's- "Nien, we are content with vis"
Koolaidman- "Kill all the children, oh yeah!"
Mr. Koolaidman proceeded to go to the storage closet and drink an entire container of bleach then run off to find some child needing a glass of sugar filled goodness.
Slenderman- "My brothers, we must not let this beast harm us, for we shall rule it. Stand with me my friends and fight, we shall not fail! There is no greater dishonor than leaving a battle unturned, do not engage this foe alone, but stand with me and purge the villain from the earth! Do not back down! Do not look away! Now stand with me!"
But unfortunately all they heard was-
The group decided it was best to just leave things as they were, no one feeling all too particularly helpful to the humankind as the turtle sought out the blood of the innocent to feast upon. Thankfully no one in any governmental position was harmed. Satan returned to hell and later called Tyrone and they had a very good game of skull basket ball over a flaming lake of people. Marvin went about trying to find a way to get Muffins who wasn't actually Muffins, to stop eating babies but was in fact eaten himself. He had always wanted to go this way. Chloe later broke up with Tony two days after because Jessica still had feelings for him and Tammy was her best friend but was also the ex girlfriend of Veronica who dated Andy who left her for Susan that dated Tony previously but was also the BFF of Jessica who was the ex girlfriend of Mike who Chloe used to like but Susan had dated and cheated on Brad with, even through Brad was Tony's best friend. This all had happened within the last month by the way. But somewhere south of the equator a little boy rolled over.
Mother- "Honey did you make this snowman here?"
Little Boy- "No mom, I didn't snow that"