"Santa The Stalker"
by SkItZoFrEaK, Head Reporter for the Oddball Times

Sorry kids, but there may not be a Santa Claus this year. Worried parents across the nation are calling on the government to respond to this alleged housebreaker running rampant throughout the country.

One angry man wrote to his senator, 'Why has this mad man been allowed to break into our homes year after year? Why hasn't the President done anything to track him down and put him away?'

At a local school in Ohio, a riot broke out when a Christmas bake sale fundraiser displayed a banner gleefully announcing that 'He sees you when you're sleeping!' Panicked students ran into the parking lot and stayed down while local law enforcement officials entered the premises and after a tense three-hour negotiation session, subdued the banner and nullified the threat.

"It was, like, so scary!" One girl told reporters, huddled under a car. "The idea that some pervert is, you know, watching you all the time. I mean, makes me feel bad, he must not have gotten a lot of attention in school or something. But still, stalking is so illegal!"

After a nine-hour conference, Congress declared yesterday that they would accept jelly donuts as their official in-session half-time snack, and will sign the correct documents and waivers with a private jelly-donut making company, who declined an interview.

After that announcement, the Congressional spokesman also informed the media that Congress has also officially declared one Mr. Kristopher Kringle to be Public Enemy Number One. And afore mentioned P.E.N.O., in the event of his capture, will hereafter be treated as a foreign spy; meaning that after the President has personally handed him all the blueprints to every weapon in the United States Armed Forces armory, Mr. Kringle shall be deported and his passport revoked; unless acquitted in a court of law, in which case, he will be shot. The Congressional spokesman also stated live on television broadcast that SWAT teams and special military reserves will be standing by all Christmas Eve, in case the perpetrator should attempt to intrude on innocent citizens' homes.