“I’ve Got A Secret”

"I’ve Got A Secret"

I’ve had a secret for three years now. It’s something that most people see in movies and think, "That could never happen!" It happened to me. It’s my only weakness, it haunts my dreams, and makes me sick to my stomach. I made a decision a long time ago that no matter what anyone said, I would never tell them everything that happened, and I haven’t. This will be the first time the whole account is told, everything I remember, anyway. I remind you, some of these images, descriptions and actions may be hard to believe, but I assure you, its all fact.

The days had just begun to grow cold, a slight wind stirred in the air. I could see my breath in front of my face in the morning, at school, sophomore year. School wasn’t going so good, but I didn’t care, who needs school anyway? Sophomore year, what a tragedy, a waste of time. A year of review, and boredom. Thankfully, I had a boyfriend, one of the only ones of my friends who did. His name was Daryl, and I thought he was great. Three years older then me, and I was in over my head, but you couldn’t convince me of that.

Right now, you’re thinking "I know what her secret is." Well, you’re wrong, you don’t know. I’ve got morals, and that’s not my secret. My secret isn’t a stupid secret, it’s terrifying. Beyond horrible, it’s tragic. I’ve dealt with it ever since, in my dreams, in my classes, when I’m alone at night. It’s everywhere, in the air I breathe, every time I turn around, I expect him to be there, watching me.

I was watching television at his house, late one Friday night, and he offered me a drink. I accepted, without a doubt in my heart. He handed me an orange juice, and I didn’t hesitate when I took a sip. About five minutes later, the world blurred and everything went black. I wasn’t quite sure of what happened, I thought I may have fallen asleep, but it was to quick. Something wasn’t right, I felt it, something was very wrong.

When I woke up, I was face down on a freezing stone floor, shirt off. Something was definitely wrong. Still, I wouldn’t accept it, I was dreaming, I knew it. Too many movies. My eyes finally adjusted to the dim lighting, that’s when I saw them. Over on the opposite side of the cave-like room, six guys, two I’d met once or twice, three I didn’t, and one I knew very well. Daryl. They were dressed in black, and speaking in hushed tones. One of them pointed over to me, and Daryl turned. As he approached me, I saw something in his eyes I had never seen before, they were bloodshot, and dark, almost as if night had descended on him.

He knelt beside me, each of the men grabbing my arms and legs, holding me down. He brushed the hair from my face, and leaned down to kiss my cheek. "Darling," he whispered, "let me prove my love, and ownership." The men held tighter, as the last one handed him a knife, brandished with a brass handle. I saw the glint of the cold steel in his eyes as he held it above his arm, slicing himself deeply, as if to die. It but dripped onto the floor, scarcely enough blood to come from a pinprick. He didn’t bleed like a human, he couldn’t be human. Still, I didn’t believe it. The knife gleamed in a deadly arc toward the milk white of my skin. The lower left side of my back burned with the fire of a thousand suns, the warmth of the blood spreading over my skin, dripping to the ground, fanning out around me. His droplets disappeared in the scarlet of my own. I was beginning to believe it.

So much blood lost, clotting on the stone, my breath came in ragged gasps, my screams, that I didn’t know I was screaming, died away. His hand pressed against my body, as he whispered words I didn’t understand. Either the pain was distorting his voice, or he wasn’t speaking English, to this day I don’t know. About that time, things began to fade out, the light dimmed in my eyes, voices dropped, and everything went dark. I woke up a few more times, recognized my surroundings, then slipped away again. I awoke in my bed, the following morning, a white bandage covering the three numbers, scorched forever into my flesh, his brand. There would be no scars, no proof, nothing but the fire alight in my body, the pain that only I knew. If only someone would believe me.

For months I made up stories, anything to explain the bruises, the cuts, the rawness of my back. Soon, the stories got out of hand, and no one believed me anymore. They called me a liar, I guess I was. But he made me swear never to tell anyone, or else he’d never let me live to tell another. Now, senior year is here, school is important to me now, an outlet for my greatest pains. If dreams awaken me in the middle of the night, I read my Literature book, if my hands are shaking with terror, I do math, if my breathing is erratic, I study Government. I have straight "A"s.

It is my only weakness, the fear I have for the future. Being scared to death to take my kids to the park, just to have him watching us. Not knowing if he’s near me, driving two cars over, a row from me in the movie theater, leaving an elevator a floor before I get on. I need to overcome this terror of walking into a building and seeing him, standing there. There’s nothing in this world that scares me more then seeing his face in my dreams. My world crumbled that night.

Now, I fight demons in my sleep. I found someone to believe me, he loves me, I can tell. I don’t see that look in his eyes, the death of emotion. He knows my fears, knows my past, knows me. Despite it all, he wants to be with me. My weakness doesn’t bother him, in truth, I think it makes him love me more. Just knowing that I need him to understand makes him more ready to do just that. He doesn’t ask me questions about it, just holds me when I need him too. His heart is so valiant that I don’t need to worry about anything around him. I may never be able to accept a drink I don’t watch someone make, I may feel pain at the touch of my lower back, I may flinch every time I see a knife, but in my heart, I know that this weakness only makes me stronger. I’ve got a secret, now you’ve got it too. The secret isn’t what you think it is, the secret is something you’d never guess. The secret is in the end, your weakness is your strength.

~ Anonymous