Um yeah…

By Knightmare Elite

Hey it going my name's Billy Buffgalopulapus my dad's a country hick and my sister's a retarted crack whore.  Well since you're here I'll tell you a little about my life for the time being.  When my mom was seventeen she sucked off a hobo behind the local WAWA and she realized that it was something that she enjoyed dearly so she began to suck him off on a daily basis and he would pay her about $50 a pop.  They had a pretty good relationship until on day he said.  "Hey baby I'll give you $100 if you let me hit it!"  She thought long and hard about it and realized it was free money so she let him hit it. 

          After three months their "relationship" began to pick up and he finally asked her what he name was and she said Mary Wackitoffski.  The guy laughed so hard that he almost left but he stayed so he could still hit it.  Anyway during one of their hot sessions the guy's condom broke and Mary became pregnant with me.  The guy was like "Hey bitch I'm not taking care of your stupid kid!"  She was so embarrassed that she wanted to die but didn't want to kill her yet unborn child...me.  When my mom was nine months pregnant she met "Big" Mike Kostis.  He was a landlord in a crappy apartment that was on the bad side of town.  She asked him is she could live there and he said, "Let's cut to the chase get on your knees and lick my balls!" She was so offended that she couldn't believe the man asked her such a rude questions.  She was a lady after all and did have standards.  It wasn't until Mike offered her 19ounces of weed and a few puffs of the "peace pipe" that she began to come around. 

          Mike and Mary lived together for the remaining of the pregnancy until that fateful night I was born.  Mary was in the back of an old Chevy with a customer when she felt contractions.  They were slow at first then picked up and her water broke.  "Her customer Fast Eddie was like, "Damn woman I ain't know you was that excited!"  Mary ran out the car back to the apartment to tell Mike that she was in labor.  The pains became too intense and she had to sit down for a couple seconds to rest.  Mary reached into her pocket and took a quick injection of heroine to calm herself down while still trying to figure out what to do.  It wasn't working and the pain was getting worse so she went around the corner to an old customer "Lil Yves" Mary asked him what he had to ease the pain and when he saw her stomach he said "Oh my god it's so huge.  I had some of these shrooms fresh from Paris you want them" Mary said yes immediately.  Yves said he'd give them to her for a quick suck.  Mary was running low on options and knelt down as low and she could as Yves dropped his trousers but she was still too tall.  She laid flat on her stomach as he said, "oh god this feels so good".  She devoured the shrooms immediately but didn't notice anything at first.  She began to feel that she was ripped off by that crazy Frenchman. 

          Mary was so out of breath and her head was spinning.  A nearby dog asked her what was the matter and she told him that she was in labor and had to find her boyfriend.  The dog told her to follow the yellow dick road until she got to the flub of magellin.  Mary saw the logic in his theory and was on her way but accidentally ran straight into the brick wall in front of her.  Her head was hurting but she couldn't stand all that noise.  Someone was blasting a red and that orange down the street was also giving her a headache.  Very slowly Mary staggered to a phone booth and called Mike while watching a yell fly across the sky.  She told Mike what happened and he told her he'd be right there.  Within seconds a gang of Mexicans surrounded the booth.  Mary started laughing and asked them for dollar so she could buy a car.  The first guy "Chico" immediately realized she was high and was seriously pregnant.  He tried to help her but she kept laughing and told him to stop yelling.  Chico was very concerned and so were his friends.  They were about to carry her to the hospital when in the distance they heard the song….TEST TEST TEST.  Mike appeared out of nowhere and gave Chico a big boot knocking him unconscious.  He picked up a beer bottle a broke it over Equardo's head killing him.  As the rest tried to run away mike grabbed Chalupa by his long stringy hair and gave him a pump handle slam onto the car killing him also.  Mary couldn't stop laughing because of the giant pink elephant behind Mike.  After Mike took care of the rest of them he told Mary there wasn't much time and drove her to the hospital in record time.  As soon as they arrived, they wheeled her into the emergency room. She laid on the bed and without even pushing the baby just fell out.  The doctors were astonished, they've seen many crack whores give birth before but never has a baby been delivered with such lack of effort. 

          Mike was angered at the doctor's accusations and gave him a big boot, knocking him out cold.  The assistant doctor Lyin Binley snapped and took out his gun and shot up everyone in the hospital but Mary and Mike managed to escape with their newborn baby.  Mary decided that she didn't want to be a mom anymore and left me on the doorstep of John Manson.  He took me in and named me Charles.  He taught me all about sharp tools and stuff and how to gut animals in less than 20 seconds.  He's the coolest person ever.  The one day my mom sent me some weed for my birthday so while I was puffin John came in and started bitching about me not growing up the way he wanted to so I called mike over and I turned on my boom box playing "TEST TEST TEST" Before John could say anything Mike busted down the door and gave him a big boot knocking him unconscious. It was so cool that I called my friend Jupiter and told him that Mike gave John the boot.  Jupiter was like cool man and invited me over to play dreamcast with him.  When I went over he was watching Sailor Moon.  I asked him if we weren't gonna play DC and he told me to hold on.  I got mad and pulled a knife on him but calmed down when I saw two of the chick making out.  It was pretty cool.  We watched it for a while till Jupiter said he had to go to the bathroom.  When he left I started going through his stuff.  I found the usual dildos, rubber sex toys sailor moon hentai videos and a few playgirls.  I was a little nervous being around him after that but I kept my cool.  Besides if he ever tried anything I could always call Big Mikey to come take care of him. 

          While we were playing Dead or Alive 2 he kept saying how much Dreamcast was such a better system than PS2.  He said that it was a better system in every way and I was getting irritated by him saying that.  Then he began to brag about how Sony's gonna fail because their system only has 4mb of video ram.  He swung the controller and accidentally hit me.  That was the last straw.  I wiped the blood off my chin and got in my stance.  Jupiter jumped up and went into the crane stance.  He attempted a sideways jump kick but I moved out of the way and hit him with a simese backwards brain kick.  He fell forward on his computer and struggled to get up.  He wanted more and I was ready to dish it out.  He threw a barrage of punches at me but only three of them landed.  I fell backwards on his bed and he tried to undo my belt.  I kicked him off and he picked up light saber and turned it on.  I could see that my life would come to an end if I didn't do something fast.  I desperately looked around for something to use and that's when I saw it.  I grabbed his dreamcast and held it in front of me. He struck but immediately held back the saber before it could touch the dreamcast.  He yelled, "You fool put down my Dreamcast you don't know what you are doing!"  I laughed at his badly dubbed comment.  I threw the dreamcast at him and it landed on his light saber and split in two.  Jupiter fell to his knees screaming "NOOOOOO!!!"  I though victory for sure until he stood up and growled.  The room grew dark and he began to transform into Kwang, Sega's unknown Samurai Mascot.  He pulled two giant swords from his back and challenged me.

          Damn I was dead meat for sure.  There was nothing I could do he was pissed and was gonna kill me.  While on my knees praying for a miracle I remember my cell phone.  Immediately jumped ran between Jupiter's legs as he sliced through the wall. I called Big Mikey.  He said he's be right over.  I jumped out they window and Jupiter was on my tail hacking and slashing people along the way.  The body count rose as he hunted me down for killing his Dreamcast.  A young kid was skating with a boom box.  I pushed him down and grabbed it.  I popped in my cd and blasted "TEST TEST TEST" Mike appeared and gave Jupiter a pump handle slam.  Jupiter got up and yelled "Kimozaka!" He jumped 300ft in the air and tried to slice Mike but he moved out of the way and choke slammed him. Jupiter got up and ran towards him full speed with sword drawn.  I though Mike was finished but at the last minute he gave Jupiter the big boot and knocked him out cold. 

          That ruled while walking home I saw Mark parked in the old school parking lot.  I walked up to start a conversation.  I couldn't even see in the car because it was so thick with smoke.  He rolled the window down and released a massive cloud.  I think I got a contact high.  I asked Mark if he wanted to hang he took a puff was like whatever man.  I got in the car and we rode off puffing and tripping out.  When we got the stoplight Mark got pissed because the guy in front of him stopped.  Mark got out of the car and beat the crap out of him and stole his wallet.  When Mark got back he was like "Yeah man now I got some hash money!"  We were blazing the whole night until we got pulled over by Officer Honce… 

          Officer Honce pulled up behind us and we waited for him to come.  I knew this was gonna suck because he had one of his Poopsies's with him.  That really sucked I mean that sucked more that the suckiest sucky day that ever sucked in the history of day that really sucked.  He rolled down his windows and I said, "Hey Officer Honce how are ya?"  He adjusted his glasses and said "YOU TELL ME!"  I wasn't sure what he meant but I just said, "Cool" and waited for him to give me a ticket or something because then maybe he'd die and I'd get to take his car and go blow some stuff up.  Yeah that would be pretty cool to go on a blowing-stuff up spree in a police car armed to the teeth with nuclear warheads.  Besides Mark was pretty wasted and he was complaining about not having enough money to go buy some more porn for his "stash" and also he wishes that he could smoke one of the smoke stacks from the titanic because that would be the biggest rush.  Honce was wasting my time so I pulled out my bazooka and busted a shell in his ass before we pulled off in his decked out police hummer.  At first the ride was pretty boring till I activated the Nitro and Mark to a few puffs of the magic dragon before he got on the back and activate the rail gun. It was funny seeing all the people jump out of the way.  I kept telling Mark to keep shooting biggest stuff but he was too busy refueling his pipe to hear me. 

          It was at that time that I pulled around the corner and saw a beat up Saturn being drive by some blond haired farm boy.  At closer distance I realized it was Dan.  Mark was like "Whoa its Nocrack, People with no crack suck!"  He got so mad that he pressed the emergency button on the back of the hummer, which opened up the hidden panel under the hummer. The trunk expanded and a giant gun rose up.  It was the ultra top secret Chrono Fusion Cannon which had the ability to, once locked on target gather surrounding electrical particles and create a hole in the time space continuum and then fires a nuclear blast vaporizing the target completely.  It was too tempting to pass up so when Dan kicked his Saturn into 2^nd gear Mark fired the cannon.  The force sent the hummer shaking behind me I could see a huge swirl of energy going into the nozzle of the cannon.  Houses around me were being turned into matter and sucked into the swirl, which the cannon was gathering. When I looked back the town was nothing more than a big dirt pit.  I was starting to get scared and hoped Mark knew what he was doing.  Dan started blasting BonJovi and that got on my nerves too I told Mark to blast him already.  The cannon was fully charged and he fired.  It sent a blue beam at the Saturn and tore a whole through time the Saturn exploded and the blast rocked the surrounding area.  Bonjovi blared louder and then the whole closed up along with BonJovi forever.