IT’S A SCARY THING

I do not consider myself a wuss, but there are some things that just terrify me. The prospect of nuclear war is one. Global warming is another. But most terrifying of all – by far – is Martha Stewart. I live in constant fear that one day, this evil woman will burst into my house, hold my family hostage, and force me to stylishly decorate my bedroom.

In a way, I feel sorry for her – she is obviously an obsessive-compulsive, a 60 – year old woman frantically trying to ‘make things pretty.’ But believe me, I don’t feel too sorry for her. I secretly believe she is an evil gnome from the planet Gorbash, come here to spread the Gorbashian religion of ‘nice-and-prettyology’ (A jihad is just around the corner). It truly is the only explanation that makes any sense, at least to me.

What normal person could turn a burning desire to make her own paper doilies into a multimillion-dollar empire of books, TV shows, and tapes? I am still at a loss as to how Ms. Stewart did this; certainly not through people’s actual desire to use her brilliant ideas for home decorating, because 90% of the U.S. population has no time for such endeavors and the rest can afford to buy their own decorations, instead of spending six hours making an imitation out of Popsicle sticks (which, by the way, looks nothing like Ms. Stewart’s example, which she bought in a store).

Before I began to write this column, I realized I did not have enough information to be able to poke fun at ‘Martha’ accurately. So, I did a little fact – finding expedition to my local library, just to be fair. I examined Ms. Stewart’s book Good Things for as long as I could stand (10 minutes) and decided I had absolutely nothing to worry about. If anything, Ms. Stewart would be even easier a target then I had originally thought, her books were so ridiculous. For those of you too lazy to go out and buy one of her books to laugh at it (Hey! Maybe that’s how she sells so many books!), I will sum up the main points of Good Things:

· Go make your bedroom pretty. It’s a good thing.

· Go make your bathroom pretty. It’s a good thing.

· Go make your hamster’s cage pretty. Even if you don’t have a hamster, it’s a good thing.

· Go make your own Christmas wreath, using rare plants costing $30, and spending 3 hours to do so, to create something you could have bought for $20 at any tree lot in America. It’s a good thing.

· Send me some money. It’s a very good thing.

That’s about it. I personally cannot understand these books’ appeal, but then again, I am a cynicist. I guess some people must buy these for reasons other than to laugh at them; most likely, these people are mainly women, another possible reason why I do not understand the books’ appeal. Generally, things that appeal to women make little sense to me; I could just accept that as the reason and get on with my life. But somehow, I cannot. Something deep within me still tells me Martha Stewart is evil.

So the question remains; how did an evil woman with career ambitions that belong in the 19th century become a millionaire in this one? Maybe she has constructed her own hypno – ray device entirely out of things she found in her house (‘Using scissors, tape, colored paper, and a few bobby pins, make your own mind control device. It’s a good thing.’) and is controlling the minds of millions of innocent channel surfers by using it constantly on her TV show. You flick to it accidentally and are instantly hypnotized! Or maybe, using a home – made disguise and a home – made gun, she steals millions of dollars to spend entirely on her own books, just so she can have some books to dust with her home – made feather duster.

If this shocking bit of guesswork hasn’t converted you against Martha Stewart yet, consider this: Stewart wants us all to make our own things and do our home décor ourselves. Imagine what would happen if everyone in America followed her advice. Our economy would fall apart, all our stores would close, (with the notable exception of craft stores) and we would quickly be invaded and conquered by some foreign power. Not only is she evil, she’s un-American! Can we afford to let this evil, gorbashian, hypnotizing conspirator continue her seemingly ‘innocent’ activities? I say no! It is time to put an end to Martha Stewart’s reign of terror forever. That will really be a ‘good thing’.