A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the
bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was
on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender
is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts
drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "you would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "what do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers,friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird,you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices
her eyes are red. He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?

What's the difference between men and beer?
When you're done with the beer it's still worth 5 cents

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, ''Why the
long face?

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely. ''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and
noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.'' ''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. ''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.'