|A Truly Twisted Tale
Author: Younger Farla PM
what happens when an teacher gives the begining of Jack and the Beanstalk to me when I'm bored out of my mind in computer class, and tells me to write the ending as homework? This.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 2,013 - Reviews: 11 - Published: 11-01-01 - id: 440257
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is yet another assignment I had to do. (for computer class, of all the stupid classes possible. It was mainly to teach us how to cut and paste. The first paragraph is the one we started with, with the name changed. We had to switch the order of sentences, then write an ending. No, I didn't actually turn this in. The ending was only supposed to be one paragraph too.) Anyway, if you don't think it's that good, well, it's not like I put a ton of effort into writing this.
Rolf and the Beanstalk
Not far from London there once lived a widow and her son Rolf. They were very poor so they often didn't have enough to eat and as Rolf was a lazy boy who never liked to work, matters grew worse and worse for his poor mother. Then a day came when they had to sell their cow. With tears in her eyes the poor woman told Rolf to take the cow to the market and get the best price he could for it. So Rolf, leading the cow, set off. He had not gone far when he met a man who asked him, "Are you taking your cow to market, Rolf?" "Yes," answered Rolf, wondering how the stranger knew his name. "I will buy the cow from you in exchange for these magic beans," said the man.
Rolf thought for a moment. If he gave the man the cow now, he would not have to walk all the way to market with it. Besides, the promise of magic beans interested him. "Sure!"
The man smiled like a fox who's just killed a chicken and has blood on its muzzle. "Here are the magic beans. Now give me that cow!" The man ran forward, and grabbed the rope from Rolf's hands, which should have warned him, but all the Goodman family's boys were morons. Why, his older brother Jack...but that's another story.
The man ran off, nearly bursting with glee about finding such a sucker.
Magic beans! How could anyone be so stupid as to think plain beans could be magic?
Rolf smiled to himself. What a fool! How could that man have been so stupid as to give him magic beans for a cow?
Rolf began the walk back home.
"Oh Rolf, Rolf, what am I to do with you?" moaned his mother. "I knew I shouldn't have drank so much wine when I was pregnant with you. I knew all my other children are a little simple, and I shouldn't push it. But oh, how I love my mulled wine!" she broke off, sobbing.
Rolf stood there. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew something was going on. Presently, his ADHD kicked in and he walked off.
An overly-kind fairy saw the proceedings. *Poor boy* she/it thought to her/itself. *He is trying his best* she/it added wrongly. *I think I'll help him.*
Now, this was no ordinary fairy. This particular one was of a special species. Rather then looking like a human with wings, this one looked like a cross between a plant, and animal and a fairy(yeah, it looked really weird).
The plant-animal-fairy-thing (hereafter called PAFT), being connected to plants, because it was part plant in the first place, decided to fix Rolf's beans and make them really magic.
Now, there are two (as far as you need to know, since only two will be in this. There are, of course, more, but what the others are for me to know and you to find out if you read my other stories, if I ever write them) kinds of fairies. The first is the well-known kind of fairy. They are creatures like fairy godmothers. They look like either plump grandmotherly things or young, beautiful women. They are stupid little things who only act vaguely intelligent when dealing with people. They spend their time blessing humans and doing magic to make them happy.
The other kind of fairy is far more independent. These ones are closer to woodland spirits, and they are often animal or plantlike (usually animal). While kind and gentle, they have actual intelligence and believe there are other reasons for existing then bringing stupid, dependent girls who don't know enough to stand up for themselves to the ball.
PAFT was one of the kindest of all of the wilderness fairies. She/it was intelligent, but often acted without thinking about the consequences. She/it was often scolded by the other fairies for acting like one of the tame, stupid, town fairies, rarely bothering to check if the human she/it was about to help actually deserved her/it's gifts. If she/it had, this whole story would have no doubt turned out far more different and would probably not be something I would bother to tell you.
Anyway, PAFT worked her/it's foresty magic and made the beans so they would grow super fast when planted, and become huge, then flew off, certain she/it had done a kind thing.
Anyway, Rolf went back home and his mother, sighing, tossed the beans outside. If she could, she would have planted them, but her late husband had been a (very) stupid farmer. His farming skills (or lack thereof) had drained the land nearly dry of all nutrients, then erosion because so few things grew there and so nothing held onto the soil, had done the rest. Mary Goodman had tried to convince her husband to do things differently, but he had just told her the women didn't know anything about farming, and stupid ones like her knew less.(this was, obviously, long before the equal rights movement.)
As Mary and Rolf slept (the beans only started to grow when the sun went down. Why? Because PAFT was playful and thought is was hilarious to imagine a plant growing better then normal at night. Her/it's species was the second most playful of the forest fairies. She/it also felt that Rolf and his mother would be more surprised to awaken to a gigantic beanstalk then they would if they saw it growing)
The next morning when Rolf woke up, he saw a huge beanstalk. Well, the hyperactive part in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder kicked in and he started climbing.
Now, because there were so few nutrients in the soil, the poor beanstalk, magic or not, wasn't very healthy. It was only a few feet tall at the base, and got thinner rapidly as it got higher. Rolf, being a moron, didn't even think of the normal problems with climbing a tall, unsupported beanstalk he could easily fall off of. Now PAFT decided to magically reinforce the already magically reinforced beanstalk (if it wasn't being held up by magic, how on earth do you think that it got this big without slumping back over?). Then, she/it left, being a fickle, playful weird plant-animal-fairy-thing who had better, more important things to do then watch a boy s l o w l y climb a beanstalk, such as fly around in circles and play hide-and-seek by her-/it- self.
Anyway, Rolf kept climbing and climbing until he got to a huge cloud, somehow managing not be shaken off by the strong winds that are up that high (Drat!). Being an uneducated bumpkin, and not realizing that clouds are just dense water and hardly more substantial then fog, he stepped right onto it.
Luckily for Rolf (and unlucky for me, the writer, who doesn't like Rolf) the clouds were magic (boy, Rolf sure runs into a lot of magical stuff. Anyone care to bet how long it'll be before he runs into some magical stuff that'll kill him?) because a magical giant lived up there. Rolf saw a huge castle (and I don't mean building huge. I mean HUGE, GARGANTUAN, etc.). Rolf, as an idiot, decided to go and see what was in the castle. What did he find? Guess.
Yep, a giant and a goose laying golden eggs. The giant saw him, picked him up and…
Gave him all the food he could eat and offered that he could take home all the gold he wanted. Bet you weren't expecting that, now were you? You see, the giant loved his pet giant goose. He didn't care about the fact it laid golden eggs because really, when you live in a cloud kingdom with all the food you want, what exactly do you spend money on?
Rolf said thanks, then, when the giant wasn't looking, grabbed the goose and ran. Why? Because he was a jerk, that's why. The giant saw him by the time he'd gotten a of his own steps away. The giant simply walked over, picked up the goose (who was giant sized and bigger then Rolf, which is one of the many reasons it was so incredibly stupid of him to steal it)
Now the giant, being the overly-kind sort, after taking the goose just brought Rolf back to the beanstalk and asked him to leave. Before the giant could offer for him to take some gold with him, he tried to grab to goose again(considering it was in the giant's arms at the time and he couldn't reach it anymore they he could reach the top of a super tall tree, this was probably the dumbest thing he'd ever done in his life. That or the time he tried to eat live bees and wasps.)
By now, the giant could have killed him. In fact, few people would be surprised if the giant had tried to kill him for taking the goose. If someone took one of my pets, they would pay in blood for it, and giants are supposed to be brutal anyway. But the giant was nice. He simply told Rolf to leave again and placed him on the beanstalk. Rolf started down. The giant, who wasn't stupid, didn't wasn't Rolf coming back up in case he tried to hurt the goose (after all, remember what the farmer did to the goose who laid the golden egg), so he broke off the top of the beanstalk, separating it from the cloud.
As Rolf was climbing down, the wind was blowing hard. Without the second anchor in the cloud, the wind soon became too strong for the beanstalk and more importantly, it's roots. After all, because so much of the soil had eroded, there was only a thin layer of dirt over rocks, and the force of the wind plus Rolf's weight caused it to topple. The beanstalk fell over, killing Rolf (YES!) and then, because it was magic, disintegrating into dust. Fertile dust. So, the whole farm became able to bear crops again, and Mary stopped being so miserable she drank constantly. Mary Goodman's neighbor often commented on the fact that her crops seemed to grow far faster and bigger then normal, but they didn't begrudge her her good luck because she shared it with them.
Oh, I almost forgot. The guy who traded Rolf the magic beans happened to see the beanstalk that night while it was growing. He was so mad to realize he had traded away real magic beans he had a heart attack. He was leading the cow off, and when he died the cow just wandered home.
For anyone who cares, the reason the character in this story is called Rolf is that a certain boy who sat next to me (I changed seats soon) kept deleting my story whenever I tried to write it. His name was close to Rolf.