"Hi, this is Ben. I'm not here right now and I'm too lazy to get voicemail, so leave your name and number. I'll call you back ASAP. Later."

Beep.

Ben? Ben, are you there? Pick up, oh please pick up. ...you're not home. Damn it. Damn it all to Hell. Isn't that a favorite phrase of yours? I don't know, I'm a little... flustered right now. That's all right, I need to talk to you anyway. I know I have a little time because you just changed the tape in your machine. Funny how I remember things, huh? Selective memory, I suppose. Anyway, I know you're probably upset about your girlfriend -- oops, ex-girlfriend. Darla, was that her name? I don't know. Another thing I can't remember but probably should. Ben, honey, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it's a good thing she's gone. If she ran out on you that easily -- probably for some skeezy gas-station attendant -- it's obvious she wasn't the one for you. You're probably thinking I sound like a heinous bitch right about now, but it's time to let you know the truth. Dear little Darla wasn't as angelic as you probably believe she was. I don't want to go into detail and hurt you more, so let's just say she was more like the song "Betty's Bein' Bad" than "Susie Q". Oh, dear, that came out so wrong... Well, it doesn't matter, because that part of your life's over. Darla's gone, Ben, and it's time to move on.

Here's where I get to the important part. Ever since we broke up, Ben, you've been going through girls left and right. It all started with that waitress Rita. Then when she left, you went on to Candy. After she left, I think the next one was Cookie... God, what is it with you and these girls named after sweets? All right, I'm sorry, that was really mean. I can't help it. Ben, we belong together. Don't you remember what it was like when we were in love? The world was perfect, honey, absolutely perfect. Like there was no one else but you and me. Then you had to go and louse everything up by saying I was too demanding, too controlling. That might've been true, but I loved you, Ben, and how many of those trailer-trash sluts you've been dating can say that?

...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm doing it again. I'll try to cut to the chase. All those girls were wrong for you, Ben, and I'm trying to tell you that. Can't you see? The way they left you again and again? None of them truly loved you. Again, I'm being insensitive, but sometimes the truth hurts. Tough love, isn't that what they say? Tough as it may seem, I'm only doing what's best for you. Rita and Candy and Cookie and Darla... all of them were only going to cause you pain. And isn't that what they did? Didn't it hurt when they left you, Ben? I know most men will deny the fact that they might be in pain for the egotistical reason that their male pride might be scratched, but you're not like most men. That's one of the reasons I loved you. That's one of the reasons I still love you.

I'm going to tell you something, Ben. I'm only going to tell you this because I'm almost out of time, and I know at any second your stupid answering machine is going to cut me off, so I'm trying to hurry. Ben, I love you -- I love you -- and I want you to take me back. Please take me back, and you won't have to worry about any more Ritas or Darlas. There'll be so much less pain -- I promise I'll be better this time. I can be less demanding and less controlling, less of what you hate and more of what you want. I can give you whatever you want, Ben... but I can also take away. I suppose you had to find that out the hard way. Perhaps if you'd take me back now, you wouldn't have to worry about any more girlfriends... leaving you. Just remember that I love you with all my heart, and I'd never want to hurt you. Not unless it taught you a lesson, of course. And after all, a little tough love never hurt anybody, right?

I'd better wrap it up. I really wish you would've been home. They're only allowing me one phone call. Oh, well. I'll be okay for now. Just keep in mind what I said -- we belong together. No more trailer-trash sluts, Ben. Neither of us wants any more pain. Just think about what I said. And, Ben, don't forget... I love y --

Beep.

Click.