Note: Daphne encounters a ghost from the past.

Eleven

I’m here you’re there.

But you should know I still love you

When I am miles away.

-Shihad, “Home Again”, Shihad.

It’s raining. I have to squint to make out anything ahead of me, and I am moving along at about 40 km per hour. I feel like a snail. I am listening to Shihad’s “Home Again”, the song that Daniel and I have claimed as our own. I always hated the idea of having an ‘our song’, but “Home Again” is not a typical love song. It is loud and beautiful, like a good love song should be.

Broome Street looks weird and spooky, especially since it’s almost ten o’clock right now. I usually love driving at night, but at the moment I feel a little claustrophobic. Maybe I’m just worried about seeing Daniel? No, that’s not it. I actually feel quite calm about that. I think it’s going to be fine, because I know he won’t push me. He never does, not openly, and I can ignore the innocent looks he gives me if I try hard enough. So whatever bothers me remains a mystery.

When I pull up outside his house I see a warm, flickering glow through the windows, and I know the fire is lit. Part of me wants to go straight inside, but the other part, the part that needs a little time to think, is stronger. I sit there for a long time, listening to the rain as it patters softly on the car roof. I might feel calm, but I don’t feel prepared. I know it’s getting pretty ridiculous. I can’t avoid this whole thing forever.

At 10.15 I decide I am as ready as I’ll ever be. My face feels relaxed, as if I will be able to maintain a smooth, blank expression without much effort. I feel weird, as if I can face anything. When I tell myself that Brinn is going to die, I merely nod coolly. I do not feel the least bit teary. I’m not used to feeling like this. I’m not used to feeling in control. Is this control? Or is it madness? I latch onto the former possibility, and my heart lifts at the idea that I have perhaps finally learned to manage my emotions. I have struggled with them for so long, even before Brinn got sick.

I take a deep, balancing breath, and I know that I am fine. I will be in future, too. I climb out of the car, slam the door behind me, and run through the rain for cover.

I knock a few times and stand there shivering, huddled against the cold. The door swings inward and there he stands, looking as gorgeous as ever. Seeing the look in his eyes, a look that speaks of trust and love and honesty, I suddenly get dizzy. With panic I feel all my carefully erected defences begin to crumble.

Suddenly it requires immense effort to keep my face from crumpling. I see fear in Daniel’s eyes, and all hope of staying reserved and cool dissolves. I double over and begin to wail mournfully, involuntarily. The pain washes through me and carries my voice out into the open, a voice full of anguish that pierces the serenity of the night. He stretches his hands out towards me, and seeing that is the last straw. He pulls me inside, and I continue to keen. The pain! It feels like my insides are being fed through a blender.

He shuts the front door and returns to me, pulling me into the lounge room where the fire beckons. Before I realise it I am sitting before it, shivering and sobbing. Only now do I realise how cold I am, as the heat stings my skin and painful pins and needles radiate through me. The inner battle intensifies as my emotions surge up within me. I clamp down on them in a desperate attempt to forestall any further deterioration, but it’s no good. I’ve been taken over. I have no self control anymore. All my hopes were in vain. I sit there and shudder, shiver, sob violently.

Gradually I grow calm again, but it takes a long time. It’s when I realise I’m sitting there without my jumper on, underclothes drying nicely in the warmth, and the only residue of my earlier fit the occasional sob shaking my body. Daniel sits opposite me, waiting patiently. When he estimates that I’ve recovered sufficiently, he gets to his feet.

“Do you want a drink?” he asks.

I shake my head hastily, thinking I’d surely barf if I tried to put anything in my stomach right now.

Daniel nods, and moves closer to me. He kneels and takes my hand, squeezing it gently with both of his. It’s something, at least, but I want something more tonight. I need more attention than this. His entire focus must be on me – in every sense of the word.

“Brinn’s relapsed.”

The words slip out before I even know I’m thinking them. My spine goes rigid, and I clench my jaw. It takes me a few moments to remember to keep breathing. There is silence, a lot of it, and I wonder what Daniel is thinking. I probably don’t want to know. He is probably wondering how best to dump me. I’ve told myself so many times that there’s no need to hide from him; he’s told me the same thing. He always says he values truth highly. I can’t bear to look at him and see what’s in his eyes.

“Thanks for telling me,” he says after a moment, still holding fast onto my hand. “Though you should’ve told me from the start.”

I shrug. It’s all I can manage. He says, “Can you look at me, please?” I shake my head. He says, “Okay. Fine.”

I close my eyes and inhale the scent of wood smoke.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

I shrug again, wishing I was capable of more.

“Daph, I’m sorry,” he says, and shifts closer, reaching out to touch my arm lightly, and a little hesitantly. “I kind of…understand. I know what it’s like to…” He presses his lips together. “I mean, I know that it’s hard to hear people…saying things at a time like this…and I know it’s hard to know what to say… So if I say something that pisses you off, I’m sorry.”

I frown and say, “Dan…” I was going tot ell him to shut up, but now I decide against it. I don’t want to upset him. I kind of want to be by myself, but do I really? I mean, if I did, I wouldn’t have come back here, to be with him.

Finally I gather the strength to speak at length. “I dunno what to do. I mean…I’m okay with it. I’ve known for a while it was probably gonna happen…and I accepted it. It’s fine. You know? But sometimes I just…I lose it, I guess.”

I shrug as I say the last word. He groans and drags me over into an embrace, cradling my head against his chest with one hand. I feel him kiss my hair, and he wraps both arms around me and tightens his hold when he feels my body begin to shake with tears. I don’t bother trying to hold it in anymore. Although I am definitely okay with my sister’s impending death, I sure don’t act like it in now, in Daniel’s arms. I cry like I’ve never cried before, like it’s the end of the world.

Maybe it is the end, of my world at least.

Later I am stretched out on the couch, and he’s beside me. I sigh against his chest, feeling thoroughly worn out, and say, “I really have to find a job.”

He shifts slightly, smoothing down my hair. “You’re still on about that?”

I frown in annoyance. “Yeah. Of course.” After a moment I mutter, “Fuckin’ waitress or something.”

“That’s just not what you’re destined for, Daph,” he says softly.

“Yeah…well I don’t believe in destiny anyway. Bullshit.”

“Very eloquent.”

“At least it’s realistic.”

I get momentarily annoyed, because I want him to read my mind and make me feel better somehow, but I know he can’t, and I know if he does say anything right now it’s liable to annoy me even more.

“Do you want a coffee?” he asks suddenly, and I am about to say no when I realise I do. I nod, and he crawls out from under me and goes off to the kitchen. I spread out on the couch, feeling lazier than ever and close my eyes. Sighing again, I feel myself drifting further towards sleep. I must have exhausted myself with that little display earlier. Ugh…no. Better not to think about that.

Better to think about other things. Like going to the beach…and seeing a movie…

I open my eyes and see Daniel in front of me, on the floor between the couch where I’m lying and the coffee table behind him. I blink a few times and stifle a yawn.

“Where’s that coffee?”

“I drank it,” he says with a mischievous smile.

“How long did I sleep for?” I ask groggily.

“Ah…twenty-seven minutes?”

“Hmm,” I say with a quirk of the brows. “Didn’t even mean to.”

He just smiles.

We stare at each other for a while, before I reach out my hand and say, “Take it.”

He takes it and squeezes. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” I say. “I just…”

He leans closer and kisses me. I kiss him back. I welcome him onto the couch with me and give him a warm, encompassing hug. We kiss some more. He trails his lips across my cheek, his hand down my back. I push closer to him and sigh contentedly.

His hand has found its way to my bare skin, and it feels hot and electric there. He pulls away from the kiss and regards me. His eyes are so close I can see little details in them, the specks of green and gold, even in this dim light. His lashes look thick and dark. His gaze burns me.

Next time we kiss, we don’t stop, and our hands are suddenly everywhere. Luckily for me, he is suddenly psychic, and knows all the things to do. In that he is different to all my past lovers.

Perhaps what we end up with is sex born of desperation and fear, or perhaps we are just really bloody good together; either way, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.

“Oh, my, god,” I say into the receiver after hearing Miranda pick up. Into her expectant silence, I add, “You have…no idea what I went through last night.”

Daniel has gone out and won’t be back till around three. I’ve just had a hasty breakfast and am intending to head out and pass around some resumes, but first I just have to talk to someone about last night. I’m the epitome of giddiness this morning.

Miranda says, “Well come on, spit it out! What happened?”

“I can hardly talk,” I state with an unstable voice. “Daniel and I…ya know.”

Miranda laughed, sounding a little embarrassed. “You did it? Finally? I was wondering if you’d ever get ‘round to it. So it was…good?”

“It was incredible. I think it was luck, though; circumstance.”

“What do you mean ‘luck’? You can’t luck out on that kinda thing. Can you?”

I laugh. “I really don’t know, but seriously… It was like he just…knew. Knew what to do, what I wanted.”

 “So how was it afterwards?” Miranda asks, her voice relatively quiet. She hasn’t squealed or yelled in excitement or anything yet. I wonder if anything’s up. I’ll ask her in a minute, when I’m done talking about me.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, like, was it…ya know, awkward or anything? Or you guys getting along fine?”

“Seriously, we’re fine,” I respond, sounding as amazed as I’m feeling. “As soon as we woke up, we started joking around…laughing at ourselves…at everything. Hell, I’ve never had a better morning. Well, not that I can remember anyway. Not for a long time.”

“That’s great, Daph,” Miranda responds, and she does sound happy for me…or like she’s trying to be, at least. But I’m somewhat bugged.

“Thanks.” A moment of silence, and I add, “You okay? Anything wrong?”

“Oh, no,” Miranda says, and I can see her shaking her head. “No, I’m fine. Just a bit tired I guess. I thought I’d come over later, just for a coffee or something.”

“Sure,” I say, checking my watch. “I’m going out for a while, maybe an hour or two, to hand out some resumes. But I’ve got nothing planned after that. So, what say, twelve-thirty?”

“Sure,” Miranda says. “It’ll be good to visit there too. I haven’t been there in months.”

“You’re always welcome, you know?”

“Course. Well I’ll see you later. It’s great, by the way…everything. I’m really happy for you ‘cause you deserve some fun in your life.”

“Thanks,” I say, trying to sound warm in spite of my misgivings. She’s being pretty weird. Maybe I’ll only know if anything’s up for sure when I see her face to face. “Okay, I better go. Catch ya at twelve-thirty.”

“See you then,” Miranda responds, and hangs up.

I too replace the receiver and sit staring for a moment. Then I smile involuntarily, remembering the smile Daniel gave me as he disappeared out the front door. I can honestly say that life is, for once, pretty fucking good. I guess that statement can be taken both literally and figuratively, too.

I giggle to myself as I gather my keys, purse and sheaf of resumes and head out.

At twelve fifty five Miranda pulls up against the kerb and waves at me as she hops out of her blue Mazda 323. I wave back from my spot in the doorway, where I’ve been lazing for the last ten minutes both on the lookout for Miranda and enjoying the summery breeze on my face. I have a Diet Coke in my hand, which I sip from every now and then.

Miranda makes her way across the grass, wearing a pair of white shorts and a green singlet. She looks beautiful with the sun shining off her tawny, auburn hair. Her black sunglasses are sleek, and somehow don’t fit with the rest of her outfit, but they still give her look a little something extra. She wears a wide smile as she leans over to hug me and give me a kiss.

“You look like you’ve had fantastic sex,” she laughs as I put my sunglasses up and regard her.

I laugh too and say, “Check out what’s in my eyes. Pure, unadulterated glee.”

“I see it,” she acknowledges.

“Let’s go inside, you can have a can too,” I say, proffering my Diet Coke and then stepping inside to let her through the doorway.

We sit ourselves down in the kitchen, agreeing to go out later on to make the most of this rare sunny day.

“So,” she says as she opens her Diet Coke. “How’d job-hunting go?”

I shrug, feeling slightly deflated suddenly. “It’s a bit depressing. I mean, some old dick heads can be so rude.”

Miranda smiles. “At least you’re trying.”

“Yeah. Most of it was okay,” I say. “Depressing, boring, but not completely devastating.”

“I know how it is,” Miranda says. She was unemployed for six horrible months before getting her current job at Jerome’s Bar and Bistro. She’s been there three and a half months and is determined to let all annoyances slide over her. She is completely terrified of the idea of being unemployed again.

“By the way,” she says, “sorry about my being a bit late. I went to your place first…” She laughs. “Stupid, huh?”

“Why’d you go there?” I ask.

“I was in a dream, driving along; I just found myself there.” She giggles. “Old habits die hard.”

“Yeah,” I say, remembering the days when the possibility of friends visiting had been enough to keep me in that house. Days long past. Sometimes I miss them, but usually I just bask in the here and now, being free of it.

“Nobody was home,” she tells me. “At least, nobody with a car. The house looked pretty lonely.”

I smile grimly. “It’s very lonely. Devoid of life…”

“How is Brinn, by the way?”

I look at her, annoyed that she thought it an obvious jump from something lifeless to Brinn. “Huh?” I say, “How did we get onto that topic?”

She shrugs. “Sorry. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine. Just thought I’d ask.”

I sigh. “As far as I know, she’s the same old same old…same old Brinn.”

“As far as you know?”

“Yeah.”

“When did you last see her?”

“A week or two ago? Not sure really.”

Miranda looks surprised, and something else I don’t like at all. Almost…disapproving.

“What?”

She sighs this time. “Nothing. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone on about it. Wanna get going?”

“Yeah,” I say with a sudden smile, anticipating the beach scene we’re soon to venture upon. “And let’s get ice creams.”

“Beautiful idea,” Miranda sighs.

We’re not the only Perthites enjoying the beach today. That’s what comes of warm weather, I suppose. Instead of sweating their asses off at home, they come down to the coast to sunbathe and socialise.

“This is the fucking life,” Miranda says as we settle down in a shady patch of grass overlooking Cottesloe beach. “I could do this everyday.”

“Not me,” I respond. “A few days a week is enough.”

“Weirdo,” Miranda says, licking her ice cream.

I smile and gaze out at the glassy blue and green ocean, my own ice cream momentarily forgotten in my hand. I remember it when I feel something trickling down my hand. “Whoops.”

Miranda just shakes her head at me. She’s finished her own ice cream by now. She puts her sunnies on her forehead and stretches out there on the grass. Our shady spot is dappled with sunlight seeping through the pine trees overhead.

A feeling of serenity overtakes me, in spite of the general hubbub of the beach in mid-afternoon. I finish my ice cream and sit for a moment, gazing at my surroundings. Then I turn to Miranda and say, “I’ll be back – gonna wash my hands.”

I wander down the grassy slope and onto the bitumen, heading for the bathrooms below the Indiana Tearooms. I find myself thinking of many different things, and perhaps surprisingly my thoughts aren’t entirely dominated by Daniel. Somehow he has altered things, though. Even thinking about depressing things, such as my need to find a job and my family, isn’t quite as hard as it has been in the past. I guess there’s a little reserve of happiness deep inside me, and he tapped into it. Sometimes he manages to bring it out; other times he fails miserably. Sometimes it’s not him, but others of our friends. Sometimes it’s something I manage to do all on my own. This is just one of those times when Daniel tried, and succeeded.

I wash my hands at one of the sinks, remembering times past when I was in the middle years of high school and hanging out at the beach with friends. I recall some of the ways I’ve embarrassed myself in the past, and before dwelling too long on any single event I push all of them from my mind, focusing on the blessed fact that I am no longer there. I’m here, and past all that crap.

Past that crap, and smack in the middle of a very different kind of crap. Maybe that thought should depress me, but all it does is make me laugh. “Gawd, Daphne,” I mutter to myself, “I think you’re going nuts.”

“By any chance, would that be the chopped variety?”

I whirl around to find that I’m facing a veritable stranger, somebody I didn’t think I’d ever see again. “Claudia!”

That’s all I can think to say, for the sight of her has me dumbstruck. All I can do is stare, my mouth open slightly, and wait for her to do something. Like kill me; or hug me.

She doesn’t look particularly overjoyed to see me, but she is smiling. I can’t yet tell if it is a fake smile or another breed I’ve never encountered.

“Hiya,” she says, grinning widely. Seeing those gleaming pearly whites, I have to wonder if they’re ‘itching’ right now or not. Her skin is the same tan shade I always envied, her almond-shaped dark eyes still dancing with an inner life that belies the relatively still exterior. Her black hair is in a strange style, all different lengths and a ponytail on top. And what is she wearing!?

Overalls, in denim, reaching to just below her knees; a bright hot pink singlet underneath; thongs! She has thongs on! She also wears a silver anklet, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. The girl looks almost like she’s stepped out of the 80s.

“Hi,” I finally manage to speak again, and it’s not very eloquent but at least it’s something. “How…how are you? It’s been quite a while.”

“Yeah,” she says, grinning again. “What are you up to today?”

“Just…hanging out,” I shrug. “I went job-hunting earlier. So had to do something to cheer myself up.” Why the fuck am I telling her this shit? She has no business knowing anything about me. “What about you?”

“Oh, just here with some friends. Candace is over there somewhere.” She’s looking over her shoulder, rising onto her tanned tiptoes to look for this Candace of hers. “We’ve been looking all over for Emilia, but no sign of her. We were gonna get a milkshake from the canteen, you wanna join us?”

I have absolutely no desire to sit with Claudia and her buddies, even if I do have some burning need to find out what the fuck the girl has been up to in the last year or so. More to the point, I want to know why she’s treated me like utter shit. But I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of seeming interested.

“Nah, I’ve got company actually.”

Claudia laughs. “Oh? Where?” She looks behind me and to the left and right, giving the action a comic exaggeration that’s meant to imply that my friends must be invisible, since she can’t see them.

“They’re on the grass,” I respond with a forced smile of my own, “and actually there’s just the one.”

“Awww,” Claudia says, as if I had asked for sympathy. “Well why don’t you and your friend join us, then?”

“I don’t think so,” I say firmly, and finally decide I’ve had enough. I walk over to her and give her a quick hug. “Great to see you again, Claudia.” If only so I know you’re not worth fighting for, I add silently, as I pull away and smile once more. “Have a great day. Maybe I’ll see you around.” But I won’t die of sadness if I don’t.

I start walking away. But Claudia isn’t finished.

“Hey, wait up,” she says, and when I turn again she’s right in front of me. I wait, and she says, “What’re you up to these days?”

“Nothing particularly thrilling.”

“Still studying?”

“I’m going back next semester,” I lie, for though that’s an idea I’ve been entertaining, I’m not sold on it yet.

“Cool. Studying…?”

“Science.”

“Wow!” She looks overly impressed, which makes me suspicious. I feel like she’s mocking me. “So, still living with your mum and dad?”

I shake my head. “Boyfriend.”

“Oh…that dark-haired guy, right? Ben?”

I shove down a burst of annoyance inside and say, “Nah, that’s a guy I used to be interested in. I’m still friends with him. My boyfriend’s Daniel.”

“Ah, yeah. The ‘alternative’ one.”

“Hey!” someone calls from behind her before I can smack her one. “Claude, what’re you up to?” That person asks, and comes bounding up. It’s a girl in mostly dark clothing, with dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and freckles. She stops right beside Claudia and snakes an arm through hers. “What’s up, chickadee?”

“Cass, this is Daphne; Daphne, Cass.”

Cass is looking at me with a newly arrived sneer. She pulls away from Claudia and stands straighter, crossing her arms across her chest. “Ah,” she says as I stare back at her, daring her to explain the surly look she’s giving me. “So it’s really her, is it?”

“Yes, this is Daphne,” Claudia responds cheerfully, “my childhood friend.”

Ex-friend, I murmur silently. “Hi, Cass.”

“Hi.”

“Well anyway,” I say after a moment of uncomfortable silence, “I’m gonna get going now. See ya. Nice to meet you, Cass.”

“Hah,” Cass snorts as I turn away, this time even more determined not to let her stop me. Whatever the hell Claudia Dubar has been up to lately, I don’t envy her the experience. With friends like Cass, who would?

I head back to Miranda thinking of all the bitchy things I could have said that would’ve sounded cooler.

The next few days with Daniel pass in a happy blur, in which I usually fail to remember all the problems that have been plaguing me lately. It’s like all our walls have come down and we’re completely content with each other, willing to spend hours of the day staring at each other, holding hands, all that sickly sweet stuff that you’re liable to scoff at.

I learn just how good it could be with him – how good if we ever managed to make the effort for long enough. I suppose in those few days it doesn’t feel like effort, and there’s the catch. It feels so easy, like what comes most naturally. So very easy, and right.

It is only three days, but it feels like decades. Our love strengthens as we cherish it. It becomes our main focus. Our hopes and dreams are fed into it, nourished by it.

We’re happy, really happy, in those days.

I become hopelessly naïve overnight.