Teachers are always telling me that life is great and I have everything going for me. They don't know my life or how I live. They don't know my fears and the pain I endure everyday. They see my life like they want to see my life - perfect. Well, it's not. My life had sucked since birth. I came into this world a screaming kid and that's how I have been now. It's not that I am a stuck-up brat that can get anything and everything I want. I'm a misunderstood soul. A soul that begs for a way out of this horrible life.

I could blame my thoughts on my parents, I suppose. They are always pushing my abilities to the limit, harder and harder each day. It makes me sick to even think about them. Sure, I could kill them. I bullet to their heads in the middle of the night. But then *I* would go to jail and suffer years and years. No, I have already done my fair share of suffering. I don't want to hurt anyone, not even after they had hurt me so much.

"Do this, do that."

I'm ordered around every day and then whatever I do is never good enough for them. Dad is always drunk, so that doesn't help his personality much. He's a good man, deep down, but not to me. Mom is abusive, but not abusive enough to kill me. She burns me occassionaly with her lighter or on the oven. Sometimes she makes me drink bleach.

I could also blame this life on myself. I was the one that stuck around so long to deal with this. Never once did I go to the police or someone and tell them what's been going on. Maybe because my mom would threaten to come back and have her revenge if anyone were to find out. I was also the one who NEVER stood up for what I believe. I believe that NO ONE should go through this, but I let it happen. Mom killed Spot the other day, my only friend. She beat him to death with a bat, that poor dog. He was my only friend and I guess mom sensed that. She wants me to rely on her and her only.

I've spent the past 5 years thinking of suicide. None of the thoughts were serious. I just wanted out of this life, but I wanted a chance to live a successful life without pain. I have to wait 1 more year, then I turn 16. Then I will get my driver's lesson. Then I can leave this horrible place. Although the suicidal thoughts occur often, I've never exactly thought about me doing it. I guess I just don't want to give up on life, although most people in my position would. I also believe that suicide is the worst sin possible, and that I'd go to hell if I did it. I've believe in God all my lief, up until now I think. I guess maybe I don't believe because no one with a heart would let this happen for so long.

Now I stare at my wirsts, watching the blood drip from the deep cut produced by a swift swipe of a razor blade. I can feel myself getting sleepy and more dizzy. I lay my head on the blood-soaked pillow and waited, as my life faded away.