RISE HUNTINGDON

Characters:

Diggory- the hero
Mr. Doolos - the villain
Cat- a cat
Mr. Jerlet- a very old GCSE Chemistry teacher
Narrator- the narrator

The students:

Keitha Bedfrey
Feeve Weasel
Eggz
Rascal
Chester

The HLS employees:

Doctor Anna
Arfur
Marshak
Viv

Part 1:

Narrator: When Feeve Weasel logged on for the day, he received an e-mail. It was from Digg_the_. This is what it said:

Hey, sorry I haven't come home from work yet. We've been under siege for three days. The security say they'll have it cleared up soon. Shame, really- this is far more exciting than college, guys. Anyway, gotta go- some idiot who looks like Chester just threw a brick at me. Look after the cat, guys. Maybe it's asking too much, but try to buy our products once in a while.

See ya,
Diggory
For a better future

Feeve Weasel: Oh shÉ

(Next scene in the reception area in the student accommodation, which is an old disused college. The students Keitha Bedfrey, Rascal, Eggz and their cat are sitting around a table, role-playing.)

Keitha Bedfrey: Desoul level 4! (rolls a dice) and it's DEAD!

Rascal: You can't have Desoul above level 2!

Keitha Bedfrey: I can, because I am the merciful hand of Thanatos, death incarnate.

Rascal: You're a cheater.

Cat: MEOW!

Rascal: Exactly! Listen to the acting DM!

(Feeve Weasel runs in)

Feeve Weasel: And WHY is Diggory working for Huntingdon Life Sciences?

Eggz: Uh? (switches on his mobile phone) STOP THE PRESS!

Rascal: You've heard from Diggs?

Keitha Bedfrey: We haven't heard a word from him since he went with Chester and his gang.

Feeve Weasel: He went with Chester?

Keitha Bedfrey: Yes. He said it was important.

Feeve Weasel: Did Chester say where he was going?

Keitha Bedfrey: Oh, it was one of his SHAC meetings- you know, a protest march on Huntingdon Life...

Eggz: Oooops...

Keitha Bedfrey: So he sneaked away... and joined the job-hunters' queue!

Eggz: If this true... then Diggory may be in great danger!

Feeve Weasel: Uh?

Eggz: Chester's gang might attack the job-hunters, stupid! We have to go and rescue him.

Rascal: Well, I can't. I've got an essay to write.

Keitha Bedfrey: Me too. We'll stay behind and try to contact Diggs again. Okay?

Eggz: Okay. Feeve Weasel, you comin'?

Feeve Weasel: Sure, let's take the cat.

Cat: MEOW! (hides under a chair and bites anyone who comes near him)

Eggz: Oh, come on... only 0.3% of lab animals are cats and dogs. I think they'll have their full quota already.

Cat: (reluctantly) meow...

(slowly, they tempt the cat out from under the chair. Eggs, Feeve Weasel and the Cat leave the stage.)
Keitha Bedfrey: Fancy getting a job at... That maniac!

Rascal: Not really

Keitha Bedfrey: Uh?

Rascal: You have to understand the Diggory mentality if you want to predict his decisions. My and my cat are Diggory's childhood friends.

Keitha Bedfrey: In that case, you'd better explain.

Rascal: We're looking at a potentially great scientist with an organised brain, if not organised the same way as ours. He wishes only to be with people of his own intellect, and be able to study peacefully. But if a problem comes up, Diggory will immediately think of the most bizarre course of action and implement it. As you know, the College refuse to teach him Chemistry.

Keitha Bedfrey: Yes, all the classes are full. But you can't do chemistry classes at HLS...

Rascal: That would be too obvious. This is probably some kind of statement... a protest. He sees himself as an outcast, rejected by the college. Maybe he enjoys being part of a very unpopular establishment. More likely, he just got the idea, and it kept bugging him until he put it into practice.

Keitha Bedfrey: Well, I want to know. I'm going to send him an e-mail.

Rascal: Well, be quick. We've both got essays to do, remember.

Part 2

Narrator: To:
From: Digg_the_

Lol! You sure you want me back in your role-playing sessions? You must like no-sanity-spared erfbownd matches. See your psychiatrist now- and throw a cream pie at him.
Anyway your loyal DM will be back soon. The siege will be over before you can say 'Brick? What brick? Oh, that brick'. When I'll get back I'll answer all your questions. Unless Chester kills me first. Look after the cat, guys.

Diggory,
For a Better Future

Feeve Weasel: I wonder if Keitha knows I read her mail.

Eggz: I should think so. She deletes yours.

Cat: Meow.

(Lights come on. The students are STILL on the train. Feeve Weasel is on his laptop, Eggz is on his mobile phone, and the cat is in a box.)

Narrator: The train will shortly be arriving at Huntingdon. Next stop, Huntingdon.

Feeve Weasel: We're almost there. Remind me of the plan.

Eggz: We look for Chester, explain the situation and get him to attract attention away from the job-hunters.

Feeve Weasel: And then? How do we Diggory out?

Eggz: I was hoping that the sight of his favourite cat would persuade him to quit the job.

Cat: Meow!
(Sound of train coming to a halt at station.)

(Next scene is outside the company gates. Chester ad three friends are brandishing placards and attempting to assault two highly trained security guards)

Activists: MURDERERS! MURDERERS! MUR_DER_ERS!

Chester: Yeah! Rescue the animals... Groovy, man... mushrooms... erfbownd...

(Suddenly, Eggz and Feeve Weasel appear on the scene. Eggz is carrying an empty box.)

Eggz: Chester!

Chester: Hiya, man (stares blankly) what's with the box? Gonna rescue some animals?
Feeve Weasel: The cat escaped. Ohm, well, it can get back home. It's got a return ticket.

Eggz: Chester, you've got to listen. It's Diggory. He's...

Feeve Weasel: Look, the door's opening!

(A security guard with a loudspeaker comes on stage)

Security: Attention, attention! A member of staff is prepared to negotiate with the spokesman of your organisation. One person only may approach. No weapons!

Chester: Hear that? Gotta go.

(Chester walks forward. Two security guards walk up and escort him to the entrance. The door opens, and a tall figure in a labcoat appears.)

Eggz: Look, it's Diggory!

(Everyone watches. Diggory and Chester are having a heated debate. At first they are angry, but then Chester seems to giving in and finally they shake hands. There is a cheer, and the sound of staff running out of the building and a lunch whistle.)

Feeve Weasel: Hey, he's won!

Eggz: I wonder what he said. Diggory is usually no good at talking to people.

(Chester laughs and runs towards the students.)

Chester: Hey, I gotta admit it... that is such a groovy plan!

Eggz: What plan?

Chester: Sorry, guys, its top-secret company information. I can't even take photos and plaster them all over lampposts like I usually do.

(Diggory walks up to them, flanked by three workmates. He is enthusiastically explaining some technical detail to them.)

Eggz: You're back! You worried us, you...

Diggory: Murderer? (Chester growls and tries to hit him, but he dodges) I'm coming back home to collect a few things. Mind if I bring a few friends from work?

Chester: (groans) Hey, man, no way I'm livin' in a house full of vivisectionists!

Diggory: Serves you right for throwing a brick at me (gives him a very cruel smile)

Part 3

Narrator: To : Doc_

See you at work soon! Missing it already. I live with my fellow students near the college. They're all glad to see me, even the ones who keep throwing bricks at me and yelling 'murderer'. The cat doesn't know what to think. Sometimes it recognises me; sometimes it just sees my labcoat and runs. I guess your pet bird, Kiwi, is used to it. I'd like to visit your family some time.

See ya,
Diggory

For a Better Future

Ps: Get the company logo as your signature now- I heard a rumour about a PAYRISE! KA-CHING!

(The students are at home. Diggory sits on a sofa with an open book in his lap. Three workmates sit next to him, still listening to the explanation. Eggz, Rascal and Feeve Weasel are role-playing. Keitha Bedfrey enters.)

Rascal: Hullo, Keitha- back from work?

Keitha Bedfrey: I've been leafletting in the Old People's Home.

Rascal: That's nice. Don't get caught.

Diggory: Talking of work, have I introduced you to my workmates?

(Keitha examines them critically)

Diggory: Hey, they're human, you know! Your job is no more popular anyway.

(Points to each one in turn.)

This is Arfur, Marshak and Viv.

Viv: That isn't short for Vivian, by the way. I'll kill you if you call me that. No, really.

Marshak: Hiya.

Arfur: I'm Arfur Huntingdon. It's just a coincidence. I'm not the manager. Everyone thinks I am, but I'm just a cleaner.

Viv: A cleaner in a lab is worth more than a king outside a lab.

Marshak: Ignore Vivian, she's weird.

Viv: I told you, it's not Vivian. (adjusts light on top of her head)

Keitha Bedfrey: So, what are you lot doing down here?

Diggory: We need to fetch some textbooks for the project.

Keitha Bedfrey: What is this project you're always on about, anyway? You make it sound like the most important thing in the world.

Diggory: Not telling you. Where's our SHF2 Compendium?

Keitha Bedfrey: Rascal borrowed it for his exam. He lost his clipboard.

Diggory: Right, lads! The college mucked up my schedule, so let's muck up theirs! Take the whole college apart until we find that book!

Keitha: But what about the ex...

Viv: (enthusiastically) TAKE IT APART, TAKE IT APART!

(Diggory, workmates and cat run out of the door. the next scene is in an examination hall. Rascal and some other students are quietly taking their exams when shouting is heard offstage.)

Diggory: VIV, come back! That's a squirrel. It is NOT an escaped lab animal!

Viv: Don't just stand there, grab it!

Diggory: Look, I even have an inventory list to prove it.

Marshak: (to audience) this woman does not in any way represent our company.

Viv: Quick! It's going into that building!

(The four of them storm into the examination hall, upsetting a desk. Viv runs straight through the room, pursuing the squirrel, and Diggory uses the confusion to grab the book he was looking for.)

Invigilator: Hey, you can't do that! Get out! There's an exam in progress!

Diggory: Yes... an exam I should be in!

Rascal: Um... Diggory... this is an . exam. You should be in a chemistry exam.

Diggory: What difference does it make? I am in the wrong field. When you're in exile, all places look the same except home.
(stands on a desk)
Once, I was a bright new student, with the potential to heal. You could have nurtured my potential. I could have been a valuable student. But you rejected me.
(waves a fist)
I feel no sympathy for any living thing!

(Keitha Bedfrey rushes in)

Keitha Bedfrey: Diggory! Get in the van! There's an angry mob outside trying to kill us!

(Diggory, Keitha Bedfrey, Arfur and Marshak rush offstage. Sound of a vehicle moving very fast.)

Part 4:

(Keitha Bedfrey, Diggory, Rascal, the three employees and the cat, who is now wearing a fake squirrel tail, are in a rusty white van. Diggory is reading the stolen book.)

Keitha Bedfrey: Whew! That was a lucky escape.

Rascal: So... why were we being chased by an angry mob?

Marshak: Oh, don't worry, we get used to it at work.

Arfur: Especially me. They always go for the manager.

Keitha Bedfrey: Actually, it was my fault. Viv chased the squirrel up a tree and fell out of it. Some people rushed up and shouted for a doctor, and I...

Rascal: Revealed your rather unorthodox medical career?

Keitha Bedfrey: Yeah... I guess we don't have as many supporters as we like to think we do.

Rascal: WE? You're the only one not in jail!

Diggory: Don't blame Keitha Bedfrey, blame the attitude of society... the stubbornness of people in authority who won't admit they're wrong... and, of course, the greatest evil of all... the college!

Keitha Bedfrey: (laughs) Yeah, down with the college!

Marshak: Say no to College!

Keitha Bedfrey: I have to be heading home, I guess, but not right now. Shall I take you guys to Huntingdon?

Diggory: Yes please, we have work to do.

Keitha Bedfrey: Well, in that case, we'll need some petrol. Let's stop at that petrol station. I'll pay.

Diggory: No, please let me. I need to be alone for a while. I'll take the cat to protect me from muggers.

Cat: (fiercely) Hiss!

Keitha: Okay, but I'm warning you, if anything happens to it, I'll tell Chester.

(The scene changes to a spooky-looking moonlit petrol station. Owls hoot in the background. Diggory shuffles along, hands in labcoat, feeling the cold. The cat follows at a safe distance.)

Diggory: Look how bright the moon shines tonight... just like the striplights in my old school.

Cat: Meow?

Diggory: My GCSE chemistry teacher was genius, you know. He was kind, and would never have done that to me.

Cat: Purr.

Diggory: Project TapChemEx is my life now. If I have an accident before it is completed... I want you to carry on where I left off.

Cat: Meow?

Diggory: You are the only one I can trust, cat. I feel no pity for anything on this earth... but part of me still does not wish innocents to suffer. I hope this project will make amends... for what the lack of a simple A/S level chemistry class has turned me into.

Cat: (confused) Meow...

Diggory: From now on, every time I make progress in my project, I will deliver the blueprint directly to you via our impenetrable SHAC-proof network. Nobody else is to know. Do you understand?

Cat: Meow.

(Suddenly, Diggory stares upward into the sky. He brandishes his favourite scalpel like a ceremonial sword. The cat runs off.)

Diggory: I swear... by the Emerald Phoenix of Education... that Mr. Doolos, the Head of Science at our college... will one day fall under my scalpel.

(Lights fade out)

Part 4

Narrator: The students continued their courses, paid from their student grants for the damage, and passed all their exams. Three weeks later, they received an e-mail:

To: Doolos_
From: Digg_the_

Project almost complete!
Hey Rascal, glad to hear you passed the exam. Needed the book- sorry to disturb you. This project, though- guess itÕs become pretty big now. If it isnÕt already in the news, IÕll have to tell you. Basically, IÕm using our impeccable knowledge of role-playing games to create a new simulation program, based on my favourite statistical system. Instead of putting it into a computer gameÉ IÕm using it to calculate the statistics of any biological life-form. ItÕll practically make animal testing obsolete! Of course thereÕll still be some unpopular stuff going on but not enough to bother hurling a brick at. Cool, eh? I have some glitches to iron out but I can promise results in a week or so. You guysÉ I want you to come up to Huntingdon and be recognised for all the help youÕve given me. See ya there!

Diggory,
For a Better Future

PS: Doctor Anna is teaching me the art of self-defence with a scalpel. She says IÕm almost good enough to beat Viv.

(The management office of Huntingdon Life Sciences. Diggory sits in one of the chairs facing the manager at his desk.)

Manager: Pay-rise? Absolutely not! Whatever gave you that idea?

Diggory: UmÉ the fact that I am changing the direction of the company forever, making the staff feel less in danger of being murdered and causing the lab animals a little less hassle?

Manager: Now listen here, troublemaker. If you died for the company, I wouldnÕt give you a pay-rise. Clear off or IÕll give you the sack. Understood?

(Diggory nods his head and walks out into a corridor. He bumps into Keitha Bedfrey, Feeve Weasel and Eggz.)

Keitha Bedfrey: Hey, I got your message! Congratulations!

Diggory: Thanks (grins and points to the door of the managerÕs office) I just wish that pig in a suit would give me the pay-rise I deserve.

Eggz: Which system are you using? Erfbownd?

Diggory: Nah- ShF3. I can do it in my sleep. (grins) IÕll be up in front of the worldÕs foremost scientists explaining this project. I want you lot to help me. IÕm no good at speech-making.

(Suddenly, a scientist runs on stage, looking flustered.)

Diggory: WhatÕs wrong, Doctor Anna?

Doctor Anna: WeÕve got everything sortedÉ except this glitch weÕre having with the HP check.

Diggory: ah, yes. Guys, this is Doctor Anna. SheÕs the worldÕs greatest surgeonÉ

Doctor Anna: awww thanks! (blushes)

Diggory: And between us we created a device that extracts HP. WeÕre just testing some recorded values against the actual values.

Doctor Anna: yes. We have to deduct the sampleÕs HP one at a time until it reaches zero.

Feeve Weasel: How do you know when it reaches zero?

Doctor Anna: Death.

Feeve Weasel: Oh.

Doctor Anna: Anyway, Diggory, the problem is that the maximum number that the extractor can handle is 256. However, the maximum possible HP for a lab rat is 255.

Diggory: So, weÕve got to find something with 256 HP.

Doctor Anna: ThatÕs where I did a little research. I looked on the entire database for all scientific institutes throughout the world. Only one life-form had 256 HP. The Head of Science at your college.

Diggory: (Smiling cruelly) Perfect. Phone the World Council of scienceÉ and tell them to attend my college tomorrow night.

Part 5:

(It is night-time at DiggoryÕs college. There are lots of mysterious voices offstage. Three scientists appear. These are the Heads of Biology, Chemistry and Physics. The Head of Chemistry, Doctor Doolos, is also the Head of Science. Silence. Diggory, Doctor Anna and the cat appear.)

Diggory: SoÉ you already expected us.

Dr. Doolos: Yes, and I know exactly what you plan to do to me. I refuse.

Diggory: Have you ever heard of Bovamic Law?

(Dr. Doolos nods his head)

Diggory: It was formulated by a team of exiled geneticists. It dictates the legal situation between scientists in isolation from any other law. According to the Third Law of Bovamics, you have committed an inexcusable offence by rejecting me from your course for no valid reason.

Dr. Doolos: It was FULL!

Diggory: That is not the issue. You have only two choices to compensate for this: you will give me a place on your course, or you will volunteer for HP extraction.

Dr. Doolos: I do not intend to die. You have forgotten one thingÉ under Bovamic law, an issue involving any life science can be resolved by a scalpel duel. Your championÉ versus my champion.

Diggory: (grinning) I would like to test my skills against your champion. I have trained hard under Doctor Anna.

Dr. Doolos: DoctorÉ Anna? I see. Our Head of Biology will have a formidable opponent, I see.

(Head of Biology steps forward.)

Diggory: ItÕs Viv!

(The cat hides behind a tree.)

Dr. Doolos: She infiltrated your project, disguised as an employee. WeÕve been spying on you ever since you went there. We feared you might be planning something like this. Okay, VivÉ kill!

(Diggory bares his scalpel. The two combatants circle each other until Diggory suddenly dives at Viv. They wrestle, then try to stab each other. The fight continues until Diggory is mortally wounded.)

Diggory: (weakly) you got blood on my new labcoatÉ

(With a last desperate burst of energy, Diggory kicks Viv, causing her to lose her balance, causing her to lose her balance, then thrusts the scalpel at her, killing her instantly.)

Cat: MEOW!

(Cat grabs blueprints and runs offstage. The lights dim, and all we can is the cat running on- and offstage. Finally, the lights come back on, and we see the front door of DiggoryÕs school. The cat scratches on the door until the headteacher arrives.)

Headteacher: A poor little stray cat! You better not have fleasÉ (picks it up)
What are these papers in your collar? (reads the papers) This is a bit complicated for me. It must be for the Chemistry teacher.

Cat: (enthusiastically) Purr!

(Door opens again. An old man in a labcoat walks out.)

Mr. Jerlet: This is from my old student. Are you his cat?

Cat: Meow! (indicates for him to follow)

Mr. Jerlet: Is he in danger? Lead me to him.

(The cat and the teacher run offstage. They reappear in the college grounds, where Diggory is being tended to by medics and Keitha Bedfrey. The teacher rushes to his side.)

Mr. Jerlet: What happened?

Medic: DonÕt bother us. HeÕs in a critical condition. We have to get him to a hospital.

Keitha Bedfrey: Come on, you, get in the van. WeÕll follow the ambulance. IÕll explain on the way.

(The next scene is in a hospital ward. Doctor Anna, Mr. Jerlet and Rascal are beside DiggoryÕs bed.)

Doctor Anna: Hello, Diggory. Can you see who I have brought to visit you?

Diggory: (weakly) teacher.

Mr. Jerlet: Your cat found me, and led me to you.

(Diggory smiles)

Doctor Anna: You won, Diggory. The Head of science had to obey your wishes and volunteer for your project. In order to keep you from enrolling on the courseÉ he sacrificed his life.

Diggory: I wonder whyÉ
(To Mr. Jerlet) PleaseÉ take my scalpelÉ I amÉ in no fit stateÉ to performÉ extractionÉ myselfÉ

Mr. Jerlet: You donÕt expect me to do it, do you?

Diggory: I willÉ instruct youÉ

Doctor Anna: Maybe I should do it.

Diggory: WhyÉ instruct you? You already knowÉ how to do it.

(Lights fade out)

Epilogue:

Narrator: To:
From:

Thankyou for expressing your concerns to me via e-mail. It is far healthier for our windows than the traditional method of communication via brick. Unfortunately, I am not, I repeat NOT, the manager. However, as everyone thinks I am the manager, and I have given five people a pay-rise this year without anyone suspecting anything, I will answer your questions:

1) During Project TapChemEx, a short but intensive and highly successful procedure that will benefit many laboratory animals in the future, only ten mice and an A/S chemistry teacher died. We express our sympathies to the families of the mice.

2) We regret that, shortly after the completion of Project TapChemEx, the employee Diggory did, in fact, die. The company had nothing whatsoever to do with his death. None of our scientists have even heard of, let alone performed, the experiment mentioned in your e-mail.

If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to e-mail me again.

Goodbye,
Arfur

For a Better Future