Smile I say
Just because you feel down
Doesn’t mean that anyone else
Has to feel the same way

5 ----- Smiling like the Sun

If there is a definition for the word chaos, it could be found right in this room. All drawers are opened, clothes pulled out at random, some laying on the floor, others on the sofa. A pile of CDs is lined up on the desk, books and magazines are scattered everywhere. The bed is covered with photo books and single pictures and in the middle of them I’m residing like a queen on her throne. On the other hand, the small empty space on the bed had been the only comfortable place to sit down. I had offered to help Troy packing his suitcase but soon decided it was helpless. He is like a busy bee, rushing through his room and constantly sorting out which things are necessary and which not. And so I was left with the entertaining task to look through old photo books. Honestly, I have no idea why he got the idea to take pictures with him. It’s not like he won’t see any of his dear ones until he’s allowed to leave the hospital. Sighing, I turn a page around and nearly burst out laughing when I see a picture of the party for his sixth birthday. I can remember that day very well. All children of the neighborhood had been invited, including me even though I was a newbie, having just moved to this town. Suddenly I have to smile. I had been lonely until that party where Troy and me became the best of friends. We spent the rest of the summer together, enjoying all the childish things in life. We were together at school too. So close that some thought we were relatives. It was a funny time until winter. When the cancer forced Troy to stay in the hospital for an unknown time and I could only see him there. In pain, with frightened eyes. The smile changes into a deep frown. He may be older now but he’ll still be frightened enough to let it show in his eyes. I know it. With all these medications, therapies and whatever injections they might give him it’s not wrong to be frightened. It’s painful. I pick up a picture showing the two of us during a sports meeting when we were around ten. Both smiling brightly. I’ll do anything to make sure he’ll smile like that again when it’s all over. To make sure that he’s happy. My own happiness is certainly not the most important thing here. The picture is snatched from my hand. Still holding three shirts in one hand, Troy examines the picture only to end up smiling. Not that bright as on the picture but close enough. Save for the sentimental touch.
“Didn’t know it still exists. I haven’t looked at the pictures in ages.”
“Neither did I. The memories are so vivid, I don’t need pictures to recall them.”
Yes, the memories of a happy childhood. Free of worries, not caring what the future might bring. If I had known how cruel it would be, I had done my best to prevent it from happening. But no such luck. First I had to fail in college and to end up at a working place where I was treated like the lowest of people, only doing the dirty work. So cruel but this is reality. The bed bounces lightly as Troy sits down on it, looking at me with a serious expression.
“You know, it’s not too late to change your mind and restart.”
My response is a sharp intake of breath. Am I that easy to read for him? But even if I wasn’t, he must have heard of what was going on. I had complained about my situation to my mum and she certainly let one or two things drop when chatting with our neighbors. And some certainly observed my closely enough to notice things I didn’t even think of. Like my current weight problem. I had lost so many pounds the past two months, it was impossible to hide that. But I still tried. I cannot let my weakness show.
“I don’t know what you mean, I’m fine. Life’s peachy!”
“Stop this crap. You’re lying and you know it.”
I know it, yes but still I don’t want to give in. Lately I have been so focused on my person that I commited the worst crime. Forgetting about Troy. And now that I know how much he needs me, how much he’s depending on me, it’s not the time to talk about my problems and search for solutions. The only thing that matters is him and he just has to accept that. Standing up, I decide to leave him no choice but to accept my current answer. Only when the worst is over, I’ll be ready to straighten my life.
“Whatever. I’ll go now, you certainly need some time alone to think. We’ll see each other tomorrow.”
Not waiting for an answer, I walk out of his room, down the steps and out of the house. Every step taking me from Troy is faster than the one before and before I know it, I’m running back home. Avoiding all questions of my parents, I storm into my room, turn the key and fall onto the bed. Tears are streaming down my face. But I don’t know if they’re because of me realizing how right Troy is or because of my unability to open my soul.

"Life's peachy!" is something I like to say a lot even when I look like crap and feel like it too. Simply because I hate it when people worry about me too much. Miracle is just the same. Too stubborn to let anyone help her but just as stubbornly insisting to help anyone else, no matter if they want her to or not.