If I was to recall the events subsequent to my near-death experience, there’d be details sorely missed. I seemed to have lost memory of what exactly happened once I fell into the water, but I wasn’t too attached on finding out what those details were exactly.

Once I felt the air return to me in coughing heaps, I knew that I hadn’t died and that the blurry figure I saw in the water presumably saved my life. I blinked my eyes opened and was promptly met with a nose in my direct view. As if sensing my thoughts, the nose moved down until green eyes were peering back at me.

Either I lost my memory, or the face hovering over mine belonged to someone I didn’t know.

“Can you hear me?” His voice was oddly unfamiliar and I blinked again.

“. . . so embarrassing,” I muttered hoarsely and he chuckled. I coughed the rest of the water out of my lungs and frankly addressed him. “Who are you?”

The boy’s concerned face moved away from mine and gave way to the dozens ofother unfamiliar faces witnessing my come-to from afar. I was suddenly very self-aware and the recollection of my downfall (literally) came back to me, assuring that my memory was indeed still intact, meaning that whoever saved me was a complete stranger.

I was a teensy bit disappointed. Secretly, I had wished that my savior was someone who possessed a different set of green eyes, but that was the romantic side of me speaking, and I didn’t recall summoning that particular side tonight. Also, I was sure that whoever owned those other eyes was far beyond pissed with me.

But that didn’t stop me from sweeping my eyes to see if he was here.

“Lynn!” Felicia and Dave’s faces were now blocking out the other people and I though I was sucking in the air like a dehydrating fish, I breathed a sigh of relief. They pushed their way through the crowd and bounded towards me.

Dave pushed the wet strands sticking to my face away as Felicia skittered around, clearly alarmed.

“Oh my God, oh my God. Lynn, are you okay?!” she asked and I nodded, though I couldn’t comprehend everything just yet. I may have been conscious, but I wasn’t quite lucid. I heard her voice as she turned the question to someone else. “What happened?”

“She held her breath too long and lost consciousness, but luckily she wasn’t out that long before I pulled her out of the water,” I heard the guy say. I vaguely noted that I needed to get his name so I could properly thank him. “She should be fine.”

“How did she fall in?”

“I slipped,” I answered, my words still slurred from either the alcohol or the loss of consciousness. Both, most likely.

I knew Felicia wanted to demand answers, but instead she heaved a huge breath. “Thank you . . . ?”

“Ian.”

Ian. Well Ian, whoever you are, expect a bouquet of flowers and loads of chocolate from me.

I shivered against the chilling air and felt Dave gently picking me up. “I’m cold,” I murmured, turning into his chest.

“Somebody get a fucking towel! This isn’t some show to watch!” she screamed. Ah, there’s her wrath.

“Lynn,” Dave said close to my ear, “come on Lynn, stay awake. We’re going home now.”

“I’m awake,” I mumbled, though I was getting incredibly tired.

There were a lot of sounds, a lot of screaming, but I did my best to ignore them. My lungs were sore, and I wasn’t positive that nothing would come out the next time I hacked out a cough. At this point, I really wanted to forget this night and tent myself in as many blankets as I can find, swallowed in denial and more heartbreak. I was glad that I was drunk, because though I was well alive, I would’ve died from the humility. Granted, had I not been drunk, none of this would be happening, but that’s just wishful thinking.

A few minutes later, I felt something heavy drape over me and felt the slight bounce as Dave carried me off somewhere. I felt bad for soaking his whole entire front, but I didn’t think I could’ve stood at all if Dave set me on my feet. As we walked to some unknown destination, I was cursing notorious plastic red cups and sunken lawn chairs concurrently. I would’ve thrown in a certain male in that sentence, but I already resolved that I was going to set things right.

Somewhere in my random thought, Felicia was talking again, however a bit hysterical. “Oh my God, I can’t believe this. Dave . . .”

“Felicia, it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault,” he quietly consoled.

She ignored him. “We should’ve kept her closer to us. We should’ve stopped her from drinking so much! Oh God, she could’ve died.” Felicia’s guilt was as strong as her rage, but it didn’t compare to the guilt that was beginning to wrack over my mind. I should’ve listened to them; I shouldn’t have drunk so much.

“Felicia, don’t blame you. It’s my fault,” I said into Dave’s shirt.

“Lynn,” she sounded like she was about to sob and I slowly shook my head.

“When my brain stops spinning, I’m gonna say sorry, kay? And I’ll tell you everything. It was an accident, though Lena was all in my face.”

“Lena? What did she do to you, Lynn? Did she push you?!”

“No,” I muttered.

“That bitch!”

“Mm, bitch.”

“Lynn, stay awake! We’re almost there. Don’t you dare fall asleep on us.”

“I said I was awake.”

“Yeah, but you have no idea what’s coming out of your mouth. I swear, once you’re fully conscious, I’m going to beat the crap out of you. You hear?!” she threatened, and if my drunk self knew anything, it was that Felicia wasn’t lying. I’m probably never going to be allowed to drink after this. I don’t think I even want to think about drinking after tonight.

“I’m sorry.”

She sighed and I suspected that she was going to answer, but a commotion was occurring and as much as I wanted to turn my head and see what was happening, I found that I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then, as clear as the sky, I heard him. “Is she okay?” Josh’s voice was frantic and I inwardly winced. “Corey told me what happened and . . .”

“Josh,” Felicia started, but he deftly cut her off.

“I’m taking her.” If I had the slightest notion to protest the possessiveness he seemed to claim over my limp body, then I would’ve smacked whatever look he had on his face right off. I was otherwise unaware to the people hovering around me save for their voices.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea; she really needs to rest right now,” Dave said, and the rumbling of his voice kept me from slipping into sleep. I had a pretty good idea that his warning was against something else entirely. Namely speaking, our precarious emotions.

“Dave,” his voice sounded oddly weary. “I have to talk to her. I can’t . . . I can’t let her run away from me again.”

There was a hesitation; then, hushed voices were humming around my now murky mind and I felt myself shift. The cover over me was bundled even more tightly around me and I snuggled deeper into the new warmth, turning my face away from the air and into the chest. The distinct smell of Josh was pulling me further into a near slumber, but somewhat of my wit was intact enough to know that Dave was no longer carrying me.

“Josh?” I quietly asked.

Warm fingers were fluttering the hair away from my forehead. “Lynn, don’t hit me for this,” he answered lowly.

“I can’t even move,” I replied sleepily.

He chuckled and I smiled because even though we were in a bigger mess than ever before, it felt good to know that I could still make him laugh.

The voices above me were talking and I caught Felicia saying something about clothes and aspirin and strangely, a threat towards someone’s testicles. Then, Felicia was saying something to me.

“Lynn, I’m so sorry.”

I sighed. “S’okay.”

A minute later I was set down onto a seat that smelled like leather and with a new rush of heat flowing around the space, I fell asleep.

---

I woke up with a jolt.

Well, not exactly. A jolting of some sort wrenched me from the sleep I didn’t know I fell into and I immediately jerked awake, feeling completely disoriented. Though I settled my brain somewhat after waking, I realized I was still moving. The slight movement was causing a greater earthquake in my body; my stomach was lurching with the mixture of hunger and alcohol ingestion and my head resumed its prior throbbing. I didn’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but judging by the still-drunk feeling, it wasn’t very long.

The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes was that it was dark. When they adjusted, I then made out the features of a car interior and with a glance out the window, saw the streetlights mocking me with their buzzing flashes. It took me long seconds to get my bearings—as shaky as they were—together before attempting any bodily movement.

Thoughts weren’t registering in my head, and they were slow, stretching out like cooling taffy, giving me more of a jumble of questions than coherent understanding.

Then, everything was suddenly moving again, pitching me slightly forward. As if a spark ignited my emerging senses, I became aware that my clothes were uncomfortably sticking to me, and my hair was tangled and plastered across my face. I was drenched and I reeked of chlorine. The smell alone sent a wave of nausea curling into my stomach.

The thermal blanket cocooned around me was starting to get too hot, so I pushed it away from my body as I found myself stable enough to push into a sitting position.

It didn’t take very long to realize exactly whose car I was in. The familiarity of being in it for the hundredth time gave away its owner.

That, and when I looked up, a distinct set of hazel eyes were carefully regarding my stirring.

I blinked, trying to decipher the emotion that was humming merrily through my veins. When I realized that I was very well alone with Josh, I recognized that hot emotion as anger.

But my emotions and my body weren’t connected at the moment, so when I came around to getting words out of my dry mouth, they were a mumble of, “hate sitting in the back,” and then I suddenly found myself crawling towards the front passenger seat against better judgment.

Josh didn’t say anything, nor did he look at me, but I saw the smile ghosting on his face. I immediately scowled, feeling very much indignant at his lack of seriousness. An hour ago he was more than ready to wring me out with his anger. Where did it go? And why am I the one suddenly angry?

“What are you doing?” My voice was raspy from the combination of hoarse coughing and the cotton mouth effect of alcohol.

“Driving,” he simply replied. His unnatural calmness only served to fuel my ire further.

“Why am I in your car?”

“Because I put you in here.”

I rolled my eyes, not in the mood for his quip. “I wanna get out.”

“I’m going forty miles per hour. You want to get yourself killed?”

I ignored his comment and asked, “Where are we going?” I didn’t dare look out the window unless I wanted Josh to really throw me out of his car for vomiting all over the place.

“I’m taking you home.”

I immediately tried to think of a logical explanation to my parents as to why I was soaking and drunk. “But—”

“My house,” he interrupted, as if reading my thoughts.

“Why did you take me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he retorted.

“But you’re mad at me. You don’t talk to me if you’re mad.”

He sighed. “Then there’s your answer.”

I huffed. “Well, I’m mad at you.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“Then why are you bothering?” I asked in exasperation, completely staggered in his indirect reasoning. He should be aware that he wouldn’t get much out of me tonight.

After staring at the side of his head since moving up to the front, I started when he abruptly turned and looked at me, eyes smoldering. Something swirled in my stomach, too deep for it to be passed off as nausea. I was shamed that I could react to him even in this state.

Josh kept his eyes on me for a moment longer before looking back towards the road. I kept my eyes on him, trying to figure out what went wrong between us for the thousandth time. Obviously it catapulted when I confessed my feelings for him, but I realized that that wasn’t the original problem. It stemmed from something deeper; my own fear of not doing anything about my feelings for him all those years ago. Had he known, it could have spurned mutual feelings on his part. Or at the very least, he wouldn’t have been with Lena if he knew how much it really hurt me.

It’s still my fault, no matter how much I try to twist Josh into being the bad guy.

I was further dejected and slumped in the seat, vainly trying to comb out the knots in my hair with my fingers. Mentally, I was a wreck. Physically, I looked the part.

It was silent in the car for some long minutes, and I tried not to let the coiling air fused with strain get to me so much. I didn’t want to say anything else that would spin us off into another frenzy, and furthermore, Josh had yet to answer my question.

He didn’t wait any longer to give me one, after all.

“I can’t let this die, Lynn. Do you know how important you are to me? I’ve been an idiot for a long time now, and now that it’s finally gotten to me, you’re starting to slip away. I can’t lose you. I can’t.” His voice was quiet, a gentleness that contrasted sharply against the gruffness of his earlier contempt.

“I let you have your space for the past month, but it’s making the distance between us greater. I’m here because I care enough to try to stop you from running. I’ll take the blame; I don’t care. Just . . . whatever to get you back to me. I’ve neglected to see how much of a privilege it is to have you as my best friend for our whole lives, and because I’ve been a complete dunce you’re starting to hate me.” He sighed and I let out the breath I’ve been holding. “I’m sorry Lynn. I’m sorry for hurting you and hurting us.”

It took a while for me to know what he said, and I was sure it would take me until I woke up tomorrow to really comprehend what he meant. But I acknowledged his apology this time for all its true sincerity as I stared down at my clenched hands.

I wanted things to get better between us, but there was just so much confusion and miscommunication right now that I didn’t even know where to start. As I contemplatively thought about the events earlier, I realized that it wasn’t even in my place to forgive Josh. I needed forgiveness from him.

He mistook my silence for silent anger.

“If you really hate me all that much Lynn, then tell me now and I’ll take you to Felecia. I wanted to talk to you, but I don’t think you really want to be near me right now. I’m sorry for forcing you to listen to me.”

I lifted my head to look at him in surprise. “I don’t hate you.”

He smiled grimly in response. “I don’t blame you if you do.”

I lowered my eyes and felt my throat tighten. “I don’t hate you Josh,” I repeated.

He was quiet for a while. Then he said, “I know.”

I wanted to say more, but I didn’t know if I could say anything that would make things better. I wanted to set things straight right away, but what I needed was a shower and time to rest and rid of the remaining traces of alcohol in me. So, I held my tongue and let the words fill me up in silent abandon, sharply anticipating the moment when I allowed them to escape.

I shriveled into the side for the rest of the ride, thinking of the slight progress we’ve already made. At least we’re past the false claims of hate.

When the car finally stopped, I looked ahead at the big house I didn’t know I missed seeing. Though I could barely make out its outline in the darkness, I reveled in its familiarity.

“Do you still want to leave?” he asked with an uncertainty I haven’t heard in years.

I ignored him (the alcohol was still heavily weighing down against my better sanity) and opened the door, getting out of the car. I really should have stayed inside, or at the very least, waited for Josh to get out first, because once standing my equilibrium was shaky and my perception was pretty shoddy.

It resulted in me running into a low branch that was arbitrarily sticking out in their driveway. No wonder why I made it a point to avoid drinking; I end up harming myself.

“Shit. Ow!” I groaned now that my head was throbbing worse than before.

I fell against the side of the car and waited for Josh to hurry over. When he grabbed onto my arm, I squinted at him in the darkness.

“Lynn, are you okay? Why couldn’t you just wait for me to get you out?” he groused while gently pulling me along their long cul-de-sac towards the house.

“I’m fine,” I grumbled, but allowed Josh to steer me in the right direction.

When we got to the porch Josh set me straight while he unlocked the door. He pushed the door opened and pulled me inside, turning the lights on. He turned to me but stopped short.

“Fuck. You’re bleeding, Lynn!”

I frowned, but the movement hurt and I realized that was where the branch hit me. “I am?” I reached up to touch it, but Josh grabbed my arm away.

Still scowling, Josh began pulling me upstairs and pushed me into the first bathroom he came across. He sat me down on the toilet seat and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for first aid supplies.

My clothes were still wet and sticky, the smell of chlorine was reeking, and I had a bleeding forehead; it couldn’t get any more embarrassing than this. I sat slumped and tried not to say anything disastrous.

Josh came and knelt in front of me, taking hold of my face in his hands and peering at the cut, effectively avoiding my eyes. I had no choice but to look at his. I had half a mind to revel in the fact that he was cradling my face, being so close to me for the first time since . . . I can’t even remember, but it was equally uncomfortable knowing that he knew how I felt.

“It’s not deep,” he said and moved away to grab something from the counter. “This is going to sting a little.”

I winced when the hydrogen peroxide came in contact with my skin, squeezing my eyes closed. It stung, but I knew it would’ve hurt a hell of a lot more had I been sober.

“Sorry,” Josh whispered, and soon after I felt him blow on my skin. Even after all this, he can still be gentle. After the sensation left and I felt him move away, I heard something ripping and then he was placing a band aid on my forehead.

When I opened my eyes he was already standing, putting things away and still not looking at me. I sighed and stared at the toilet paper across from me.

Things were quiet and horribly awkward for a little while, but then he turned and asked, “Are you okay now?”

I nodded. “Thanks. Um . . .” I trailed off, not knowing where this conversation ran into.

“We have to talk, Lynn.” When I looked up, I saw his eyes staring at me.

I nodded again and he sighed.

“You need a shower first. Come on, you can use the one in my room. Can you stand up?”

“Yeah,” I said and pushed off the toilet seat, following Josh out of the bathroom and down the hall to his room. I didn’t stop to dwell on the last time since I’ve been here, as I was trying to distance myself from emotional breakdowns as much as possible tonight. I kept my eyes straight on his back as we walked into his bathroom.

I waited as he got the water running and grabbed a towel off the shelf, handing it to me. He peered down at me, trying to see if I was capable of showering without drowning myself. “Will you be alright?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “Okay. I think I still have some old clothes that you left here. I’ll just put them on the bed and wait downstairs. So um, come down when you’re ready.”

“Thanks,” I whispered and he left, closing the door behind him.

I locked it. I didn’t even glance at the mirror for fear of seeing a drunk, bandaged, and weepy girl staring back at me, mocking me with her withering mindset.

I didn’t need to see something that would just add to what I already knew.

I needed a shower before I either passed out or vomited from the potent smell of chlorine fuming off my body.

The instant I stepped under water felt almost like a layer of waste was peeling off of me. I was slowly getting over the drunken haze and as I recouped I salvaged the memories in my head, ashamed and disgusted at tonight’s behavior.

I aggressively scrubbed my skin when I remembered getting snappy at Felicia, Dave, and Corey, hoping they would forgive me for being such a bitch. What I’ve been doing to them was selfish and stupid; it was a wonder that they were still friends with me.

When I saw the angry and hurt (it was clear enough in my head now to be recognized as grave disappointment) look on Josh’s face behind closed eyes for the second and clearer time tonight, I pulled my hair in anger as I was washing the bundled grime of alcohol, smoke, and chlorine out of it.

Then there was Lena. And what Lena said.

I leaned forward until I felt the shower tiles and finally remembered what she said.

“You think I was going to let him go without finding out why he wanted to suddenly end things?”

"Because he’s in fucking love with you!”

I made it a point to never trust Lena again after she broke our friendship, and despite the shrill bitterness of her guise as a brokenhearted loser, I still couldn’t take her words to heart. I’ve been so self-centered (in the worst way possible) that I had failed to note any change in the relationship that brought me to this utter turmoil. I did believe her when she said that Josh broke up with her, because she cherished their relationship way too much.

It was just the other thing she said that had me uneasy.

That fact was hard to believe because it was just so . . . unbelievable. Yeah, it’s been my dream/wish for Josh to return my feelings, but it seemed illogical for him to come to that so soon, if at all. It also seemed a bit outlandish for him to love me.

I know I was just putting myself down and sounding hypocritical, but I honestly couldn’t see how Josh would dump Lena for me. As happy as I am about Lena finally being out of his life for good, I’m not satisfied until I know why he really broke up with her. And to do that would mean I’d have to actually ask him, which will surely be among the many, many things listed in our To Talk About list

I sighed. Why has my life become such a messy piece of crap? It’s because of my stupid mouth. Since I’ve opened it, it’s done nothing but cause heartache and arguments and selfishness and break ups and accidents.

By the time I got around to remembering my downfall into the water, the water in the shower started to get cold and I didn’t realize I had been dozing off until the sharpness of the temperature startled me. I cut the water and grabbed the towel, sighing when Josh’s scent passed over my nose.

I left my wet clothes in the bundled heap and made a note to put them in the dryer. When I passed by the mirror this time I stopped to look at myself. The shower helped; my eyes weren’t red or puffy anymore, and though I looked like someone who’s had the worst night of her life, I was holding it together and I gave myself that credit.

I rummaged around his cabinet and found the pack of extra toothbrushes still settled behind his aftershave. I brushed my teeth for about ten minutes, making sure the alcohol wasn’t so prominent.

After unlocking the door I peeked through in case Josh was in his room. With the coast clear, I quietly went in his room and spotted the extra clothes I left here years ago on his bed. They were really only my old gym sweats and a t-shirt, but they were better than the clothes I came in. Picking through the pile, I was mortified to see that when I left these clothes here, I had also left extra underwear. I couldn’t really complain though, because they eventually found their use as I pulled my clothes on.

Rubbing the towel on my head, I sat on Josh’s bed and tried to think of a good way to start our conversation, none of which I actually wanted to say.

I have to admit; ever since I inadvertently told Josh that I loved him, I wanted to know what he felt about it despite my qualms of wanting to talk to him again.

I’d have to imagine that Josh was either being very brave or extremely cocky for even being around me anymore. It was strange, no doubt, knowing that the girl you’ve spent your entire life with feels differently than you do. But he isn’t the type to run away from difficulties unlike me.

I know I already accepted that this love for him was unrequited, but when he tells me himself that he doesn’t love me, my heart will probably break tenfold. I don’t think I can remain friends with him if I’m just going to be a sappy mess around him all the time. How can he seriously think that our friendship will stay the same if we both know that I’m miserable? I’m not a masochist. I’ve dealt with my heart for the past few years, but when it’s out and in Josh’s hands now, he can break it without even trying.

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead but accidentally touched my cut, wincing. I still tasted alcohol through the mint of the toothpaste, and my stomach lurched in all directions. I’m a talkative drunk, but when I start sobering, I’m reserved.

Which is why instead of getting up and going downstairs to meet Josh, I pushed myself up on his bed and curled around his pillows. I found a sweatshirt on the bed and pulled it on, pulling my nose in the collar, comforted by his smell even though I was surrounded in nothing but Josh.

I don’t know how long I laid there, but when a soft knocking rapped on the door I was barely awake. I pulled an eye open and stared at the door, trying to will it open.

“Lynn? It’s been over an hour. Are you okay?”

I made some sort of humming noise, but I doubt he heard me.

He waited twenty seconds before opening the door. Through my sleepy eye he looked anxious, but when he turned and saw me on the bed his expression smoothed over. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

I opened my eyes and blinked at him. “Are you?”

“I’ll survive.” His smile crinkled his eyes and I wanted to cry out of sheer joy.

Instead, I cried out of sheer distress.

Josh quickly reached forward and smoothed my wet hair back. “Lynn, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” he asked frantically.

“Why are you being nice to me?” I wailed. Sleepiness forgotten, the tears seeped out of me without warning.

“What?”

“You should be angry with me! You’re supposed to yell and hate me! You’re not supposed to apologize! I am!”

Josh pulled my limp body up and I immediately caved into him, sobbing like a little girl. Mostly due to the alcohol, I also accredited my tears to the fact that since this whole ordeal started, this was the first time I cried around Josh. His comfort was reassuring, but it made me cry harder.

“Lynn,” he said close to my ear, “I’m not angry with you—even if I am, I can’t stay mad at you forever. And don’t you ever think I’ll come to hating you. You’re the closest thing to my heart and I’d die before letting hatred go towards you.”

His words made me cry harder and I pushed myself further against his chest. I was acting like a total idiot, but I couldn’t turn back now.

“Don’t think you’re supposed to give an apology. I’m the one sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being stupid about everything. Lynn, I’ve been a horrible friend for the past two years. And it’s completely my fault. I’ve been ignoring you and more importantly, my feelings.”

I stiffened and the first thing to come to my mind was Lena’s words.

I pulled away and stared at him with the redness and puffiness returning to my eyes. “Lena,” I said.

He tensed. “What?”

I hiccupped and looked away. “I saw her tonight. She said . . .” My eyes returned to his. “Did you break up with her?”

Josh sighed. “Yes.”

My eyes widened. “What the hell for? Don’t you dare say it’s because of m—”

“It is because of you,” he interrupted.

I froze and clamped my mouth shut, staring at Josh with confusion. My heart was squeezing almost painfully, but I ignored it. “What?”

“Lynn, I’ve been thinking a lot this past month. I never even planned on being with Lena this long. I . . . don’t even love her.”

I scowled and crossed my arms. “You enjoyed toying with someone’s emotions for that long?”

“She never once told me she loved me. And it’s not even about Lena. Lynn, do you know why I went out with her in the first place?”

I raised an eyebrow. “She had blonde hair and threw herself at you?”

He chuckled. “I needed a distraction.”

“A distraction from what?” A funny feeling was creeping upwards, but I squelched it and tried not to listen to my gut.

He rubbed his eyes. “I needed to get my heart away from you.”

My gut was screaming at me, and coinciding with what my ears just heard, my brain and heart were synchronizing. “What?”

“What did Lena tell you?” he asked instead, drawing the attention back to me.

I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. I twisted my lip between my teeth before softly answering, “She told me you broke up with her because you were . . .” I trailed off, unsure.

“I was what?”

I looked down. “In love with me.”

It was quiet and my eyes didn’t stray from the bedspread. Either Josh was telling me some outlandish admittance or he enjoyed my discomfort. I was really hoping for the latter even though we both knew where this was going.

Oh my God.

The fluttering in my gut turned into an onslaught of sharp wings, and my eyes flicked up only to catch the strangest tint of green I’ve ever seen in Josh’s eyes.

They immediately shut as I felt his lips catch mine for the first time.