Playmate

Chapter Twenty (Epilogue): Suffocating

My mother went to the store. It’s been two hours and she hasn’t returned. She has been doing that recently. It makes me so mad now that she just leaves me at home by myself when all she ever really wanted was to have me at home with her forever. The years oozed by as slow as molasses and I’ve almost lost track of time. The celebration of my birthday every year keeps me on track. I’m twenty-two now. I still feel like a little kid, trapped inside my world of darkness, but not today.

This isn’t the first time I’ve sneaked outside on one of my mother’s frequent visits to "the store." I still don’t know where she really goes because she returns with no more than what she left with, but today, I’m thankful. The last time I went outside was a year ago. It was a blistering hot day, but the sound of voices drew me out to the lawn. I hadn’t seen Ashley in nearly five years. I climbed up the dying vine branches that covered the fence that separated our yards and peeked over.

She was celebrating her graduation from college. It was much more laid back from her party for high school graduation because it was quieter, but people were still there, laughing and talking and eating. I saw poster boards drenched with pictures of Ashley, even though I couldn’t make them out, I knew it was her. I saw her sitting on the deck finally, talking with her father and holding hands with some boy. I had seen that boy before through my front window on several occasions, and I knew that Ashley was going to marry him. They’d sit outside for hours on her front porch, laughing and talking and cuddling and kissing and I always grew red with jealousy and rage. They had been making me envious for three years.

The sun’s heat had gotten to me. I was dressed thickly in jeans and a sweatshirt whereas people attending Ashley’s graduation were in summery dresses and shorts. I remember feeling myself become dizzy and I dropped back down onto the ground. I sat down and rubbed my face with my hands, telling myself to regain composure. I heard the sliding doors leading to Ashley’s deck open and close and curiosity overpowered my dizziness and I climbed up once again.

My breath was taken away from me.

It was Kalkin, smiling as wide as ever, looking as beautiful as ever. Ashley shrieked in sheer delight and ran over to him, their arms wrapping around one another in a hug that seemed to last a lifetime. I felt a tear fall down my blazing hot cheek as Kalkin and Ashley let go, smiling drunkenly at one another. Kalkin walked over and shook hands with Ashley’s man and sat down. He looked around the yard and looked towards me. He couldn’t see me for I was hidden behind the leaves and vines, but I swear that we made contact. I felt my heart flutter as I looked into his ocean deep blue eyes, and then, I fell backwards.

I landed in a thump on my back, feeling the wind be knocked out of me. I coughed slightly as I felt my eyes wave into a blur. I remember thinking to myself that I could just lay out in the sun forever, but the thought of my mother finding me in the yard drew me to my shaken legs once again and I walked back inside.

Today, however, the same noises are drawing me to the outdoors. It’s hot outside, there isn’t a single cloud in the sky, but I venture forth anyway. I don’t bother to change out of my sweatpants I’m wearing today, but I do discard of my sweatshirt. Shielding my vulnerable eyes, I walk towards the fence once again. The vines are more alive than they were last year, so I’m a little less hesitant to climb up and peek over into the other yard.

That was what my life had degraded to. I would sit in the windows of my house, watching as the world passed me by. I would scowl at the people as they walked passed me, couples, groups, singles, I didn’t care. The fact of the matter was that they were outside and I wasn’t. My mother went to the "store" every day. She would leave when the sun was up and return when it had set. It made me so mad, but she acted as though it was harmless. Harmless. She was tearing me apart! I was twenty-two years old and couldn’t even live my own life.

I wiped away a stray tear that had fallen down my face and found a break in the vines where I could see. They were having a cookout. All of Ashley’s relatives were outside, as many as her college graduation get-together, all laughing and talking and eating. I had the sudden urge to just go over there, until I saw Ashley. She walked out of the house through the sliding doors, carrying a tray of meat ready to be cooked, her belly swollen under the light yellow sundress. That boy soon followed after. He took the tray from her with a laugh and walked over to Ashley’s father. Ashley placed her hand on her back and sat down on the patio furniture next to her mother. Some relative of her walked over to her and patted her belly softly, kissing Ashley on the cheek.

I dropped down. I couldn’t look anymore. She was moving on with her life, she was married, going to have a baby, and where was I? I was a scrawny, ghost-white, little nobody. I started to cry in the grass, but quietly so no one would hear me. I felt myself become dizzy again and I lay down. The sun is beaming down right on top of me, but this time, I have no desire to get up. And I don’t get up. I feel my body flash with heat as I imagine my mother’s face when she comes home in the evening and doesn’t find me in the house. She’ll panic a bit, yelling out my name and then she’ll gasp, fearing the worst, and run outside.

And there I’ll be, my skin blistering and bubbling from the sun, my body rotting in the grass. She’ll scream out and run back inside, dialing 911 as fast as she possibly can and then come back outside to my aid. She’ll scream into the phone that her daughter’s dying. She’ll comb her fingers through my hair, mumbling the Lord’s prayer over and over again as the operator on the other end tries to get our address.

I stop imagining that as I feel my heart skip a beat. It hurts so badly. I tell myself that I could still make it under the shade just in time to save my body from suffocating, but I don’t make a move. With my arms spread out and my body flat on the grass, I await the death that’s inevitable.

I start to think about Faris. I wonder what he’s doing, wondering if he’s married too, if he’s going to start a family. I wonder if he even feels sorry for me, for what he did to me. He probably doesn’t even remember my name. I know he doesn’t. I’m sure that he’s moved on to bigger and better things. I know he has.

I know Ashley still remembers me. Even if I’m just "that girl" in one of the pictures on the poster board, she remembers me. I wonder if she even looked at my house and had the urge to knock on the door. Maybe yes, maybe no, but now I know that she’s moved on. I silently curse her for being so lucky, and I silently wish her and her family the world. I don’t even know what I want anymore.

Heidi is vague in my mind. I barely remember her face mounted on her boyish figure. I never knew of her motives, but I knew that they weren’t for my benefit. She was out to please herself, just like everyone else. Even if you don’t care to admit it, you always want what’s best for you. You always come first.

Kalkin still remembers me. Sometimes, I bet I come up in conversation when he’s visiting his father, and Sandra. I wonder if Ruby still remembers me. I bet that she does. I remember working with the horses, how carefree I felt with them. I wanted to have that feeling back again, but at that moment, I felt nothing but pain. It felt like someone twice my size was sitting atop my chest, restricting my breathing. I had no desire to get that person off of me anymore.

I would always wish that I would die quickly, without any pain. Today, however, I wanted to feel every ounce of suffering because I deserved it. I don’t know why I curse myself as my skin starts to break out in bubbling blisters, but I do. I shouldn’t be happy. I’m not allowed to be happy.

Part of me wishes right now that my mother will never return. I want to just decay into the grass. I want to die peacefully. As peacefully as nature will allow it. The pain starts to subside as my eyelids grow heavy and I fall into darkness. I can still feel the heat splashing over me like an uncontrolling tide, but I welcome it. I pray that even though everyone has moved on, that someone will remember me. I hope that something during their day sparks a memory of that girl who lived in the dark. I don’t want to be buried under a nameless grave.