Time for a lesson.

Let's give it a chapter designation: Petaluma's tips for being a fat girl.

Please use them.

Because guys go for two kinds of women. Beautiful (me). Grotesque.

You are either a museum piece (me) or a catcher's mitt. Better choose.

Most of you can't. You can't be me, and you don't want to be me, unless you want to spend most of your life living out lies you've constructed for yourself, unless you want to be unframed, some fluid thing with her mind and her feet in different places.

You do not want this. You are born with it anyway, like sickle-cell anemia.

So get fat.

The rules:

Eat. Retain water. Gorge. Pizza. Whole milk. Indian butter. Cake. Heaping bowls of coffee ice cream. Dairy products. No Diet Pepsi. No Diet Rite. No Healthy Choice meals of Lasagna Roma with only 14 percent of your daily fat allowance. No Egg Beaters. No fat-free mini-muffins. No sneaking four Junior Mints for your mid-mid afternoon/evening mini-snack. Just eat the whole box. And 12 ounces of cheap peppered beef, marbled. It is especially important. Do it daily.

A sidetracked address for the troubled sorts who will resist my food directive:

Anorexics: That cinnamon rice cake made you look like a BALLOON. Your fuzzy-wuzzy arms look FAT. Uncap the diuretics bottle and take them all. Please.

Bulimics: You're sorta fat already. So let's work in baby steps.

Step No. 1: Stop buying whitening toothpaste. It isn't working. It still looks like you poured a pan of hot bacon grease into your mouth and swished it around like Listerine.

Workout queens: We have no peppered beef, not only because I am a workout queen, but because your goal works toward our next topic ...

Sexual consistency: Let all cheap, useless gifts - any gift whatsoever, whether it be a Hershey's Miniature Krackel bar (very fattening when consumed by the bag!) or a fake Black Hills Gold bracelet - be his toll to ride on your turnpike. No messy exits.

Sexual contact leaves a false sense of security; hence, you let yourself go and get fatter.

Additionally, there exists scientific proof that male ejaculatory material congeals into fat cells if left on the uterine cervix long enough without fertilization, so nix the diaphragm and surf the risk.

Think I'm wrong? There are hundreds of sorority girls on this campus alone with affirming testimonials, as they still try to wear white shorts under a severe hail damage warning, as their chunky glubs peek through the leg holes. They've had sex hundreds of times.

God Bless Them. Really.

Remember, this is what guys want. Big and soft - a catcher's mitt, a couch. Use whatever leather-based analogy you like. Or me. Use whatever goddess-based analogy you like.

Above all, uncute yourself.

Cute destroys like ... everything, you know? The tyranny of the majority. Beauty can be shared. And fat is stored away, for no one and everyone to see and touch.

Do not put off the inevitable.

Fat is very comfortable.

You'll die sooner.

Know that.