The Personals

April 3, 2059

I never know why I invest so much money in these stupid diaries. Nothing of any relevance ever happens to me that would require a journal or diary. My mother is insistent that I find some medium of expression to help with my "social problem" as she enjoys calling it. I don’t think that writing my odd thoughts will stop my odd behavior but if it makes her happy, I’ll oblige.

April 9, 59

I just had the most incredible revaluation for this stupid book! This is my little black book…of glory. Remember tid bits make life interesting so throw them everywhere. If this should help with my "problem" then I should record my problem, right? Then that is exactly what I will do. First things first, I need to write the personal. Yes, I said Personal! Remember that talking to yourself is, no matter what anyone tells you, completely healthy, not to mention fun!

NO IT ISN’T!

YES IT IS! SHUT UP!

I have never done anything like this but strangely my mother is all for it. It supposedly is very safe these days. They match DNA and everything. I wonder if anyone has DNA as "special" as mine. I suppose I will just have to find out. How do you start one any ways?

April 12, 59

I browsed a few sites and finally came across Love Connection Time Central of the I Need A Buddy Help Line: For those seeking the relationship needs that all humanity needs and wants. Could they have come up with a longer name? That is not the point. Perhaps by finding a strange Dating site I can find a strange date. Sounds logical. Now all I have to do is fill out this small questionnaire:

Name: Jade Oilwood (I was always partial to my name. I say it has a nice ring to it)

DOB: 5/9/42

Location: Plano, Texas (the arm-pit of hell as I love to call it)

Gender: Female

Height: 5’9" (I’m not incredibly tall but am tall enough to taller than other tall girls. Tall. I threw that in since I felt I didn’t use the word tall enough)

Weight: 120 110 (small lies)

Other descriptions: (What the hell should I put here? Small boobs and bad breath? I suppose it is better to lie and while lying I may as well sound eloquent. Where did I put my Thesaurus?)

Illustrious woman with glistening brown locks of silk (Maybe a bit to much)

Gorgeous lady with soft brown hair, stunningly large blue eyes and a matching figure (Fine! Honesty is the best policy)

Ordinary girl with frizzy brown hair, freakishly large eyes, a figure that looks more like a whale bone, big head, big feet, with little curve in the middle. Impatient. Prone to say inappropriate things at the wrong time. Horrid table manners. Small breasts of which I am proud. An obtuse personality that no one can describe aside from calling it hyperactive tendencies. (that covers the basics)

Occupation: Unemployed and loving it! (I know that at my age I should have one but by never getting one I save the manager the trouble of firing me.)

The remainder of the test was a series of multiple choice questions that would help pair us with a perfect match.

You are at a packed party full of people that you have never met, you: Introduce yourself to a large group of people, the more the merrier (I would rather hang myself from the banisters) Seek out a friend and cling to them for the remainder of the party (logical, but only as long as the person can stand the clinging) Go to the snack table and gorge (very likely as long as the supply of oreos kept up) Single out one attractive member and engage in conversation (I wonder if he would he laugh before I came over or right in my face when I got there)

I can’t believe they don’t have the choice of: sulk in the corner until a guy feels sorry for you and creates sympathy talk while your face is completely covered in black oreo dust and you have a sudden impulse to mount a table and perform the chicken dance for the entire assembly….C

Who pays for the check after dinner The man pays it all (old fashion never dies) The woman pays it all (cheepo farts. Had this happened to me, without my permission, I would have had the pleasure of bringing his food out in a doggy bag and pouring it over his car.) The check is split (as they sip a strawberry milk shake with two straws.) Have separate checks (that’s not to dately is it?)

Fine, whatever saves me money….A

You and your date go out dancing, while completing a triple deluxe flip that you have been practicing for weeks, you kick your date in the shins. You: Look embarrassed and take it down a level in your dancing (who would be able to take the time to practice a triple deluxe flip?) Whisk them away to the hospital, can never be to careful of hairline fractures (this would be in the extent of having surgery to remove a sliver. My mother would love a man like that!) You sit down at the bar and refuse to dance ever again. (ah the smell of defeat can always be covered with beer breath) Apologize hundreds of times and suggest another activity (maybe a safer one, like alligator wrestling or shark bating)

I am disappointed that there is no choice for laugh hysterically and end up spraining an ankle after falling over and being trampled by other dancers. D

Do you kiss on a first date? Only if the date is attractive (if I was that shallow I wouldn’t be inquiring this ad….or would I?) If it was a fun date (please. Let’s not ruin it) Never (Finally a question that I can confidently answer) Always (I would be afraid of the mono man)

Who would want to kiss me in the first place? C!!!

Your friends would describe you as: Friendly and cordial (I think I need a hug) Rebellious wild child (that’s me right there. Once I even…didn’t return a library book) Renaissance person in every way (Its just like me to paint the Sistine chapel although I think that they might not enjoy cows painted all over the walls) Humorous and Fun loving (how about full of colorful bouncing balls)

I suppose D but would have preferred: odd, strange, ridiculous, absurd, bizarre, bouncy or hyper

Do you tear up at Carpenters songs? Feel sentimental but no tears (what sort of questions are these?) Bawl like a baby (why do birds suddenly appear….) Cry? Are you crazy? (at this point…I feel that I am reading a teenage magazine) I thought carpenters made things out of wood. (typically this would be my answer, knowing that I am entertainmently challenged but not this time)

I would have to say A. There is nothing like those songs to get you into a very nice deep depression.

Do you watch cartoons? Those are for kids (you’re point being?) Every Saturday morning (guilty!) I’m to busy to watch any television and if I did it wouldn’t be cartoons (some people don’t know how to live life) I just like the classics (I wonder if Fred and Daphne ever made out)

B without a doubt. I need to rot my brain weekly

In bed you are: a fiery inferno of passion (someone has some self-esteem) sweet as candles and rose petals (Romantic enough to make you barf) quick like a racetrack (this is a vulgar comparison…) lackluster (let me think..)

I am appalled at this question! This personal is getting a bit personal! I suppose that speaks for itself, D!

After reading this over I know just what kind of guys I would be paired up with. Massive, unemployed, redneck men, who like to sing karaoke and have breasts larger than mine. How fortunate I am! Now all that was needed was a small sample of blood to send in for screening. At least I am not skittish of needles.

April 30, 59

Today I received a reply from Love Connection Time Central of the I Need A Buddy Help Line: For those seeking the relationship needs that all humanity requires and wants. It goes as following:

Dear Ms. Oilwood,

I would like to start off with a thanks for joining into the numbers of lovesick individuals just like yourself. We have entered you into our computers and you are a perfect candidate for our organization of friends and lovers. We are making a quick background check for the protection of all the individuals of the connection. This process should be complete in less than a week. When the results return we will match you up with your potential dates. We will present you a list of candidates that most evenly coordinate with your personalities. If you have questions or concerns feel free to contact any of our friendly matchmakers from the hours of nine to nine. Expect another letter within two weeks.

Sincerely

Mrs. Oodles

Matchmaker Manager

Happy hunting.

I was slightly disturbed by the letter. What have I gotten into? I don’t want friends or lovers. I wnat to know if everyone else thinks I am as "strange" as I supposedly am. What did she mean by "happy hunting?" Was this some sort of tranquilizer game? Did I have to shoot my date and drag him off to dinner while he’s sedated? This whole process is a bit unnerving. Drastic times I suppose. I must do what I must.

May 5, 59

It is four days to my birthday and so far have nothing planned except for a small get together of friends at a local pool. I have nothing special to show of in my conservative one-piece bathing suit that would only be considered scandalous in the 1950s. It doesn’t really matter anyway there are never any guys there under fourty. I am plagues to living a life of spinsterhood…ok…maybe it is a little early to say that but still so far there were are no leads. That is, until I received a bit of hope in the mail. This time it happens not to be designer underwear from my grandmother but a letter from the Love Connection blah blah place.

Dear Ms. Oilwood,

I am proud to finally officially welcome you to the family of friends and companions. May I say that you had the most unusual answers to the questionnaires that we have seen in a long while, but I believe we have made suitable matches for you. Below is composed a list of several gentlemen, which are most compatible for you. There is a brief statement from each after reading your profile and I hope that you are pleasantly surprised at the findings. To request a date, go to the toll free hot line and give the matchmaker the member code beside the man you wish to date. If you wish, we can set up a special birthday date for no extra cost. I hope to hear from you.

Cordially,

Mrs. Oodles

Matchmaker Manager

Denis Horkshire 5843

I’m sure your eyes are beautiful

Harvy Timberst 5792

I’ve always had a thing for brunets

Kevin Judd 3342

I’ll try anything once

Stephen Krow 4772

I look forward to our meeting

Jay Fross 9891

I can’t believe I found another person

who loves cartoons just as much as I do

Chip Grop 5004

Small isn’t always bad

Go get ‘um

This letter threw me into more of a confused rut. First of all, I had the most bizarre questionnaire. That goes without saying but that means bizarre dates. I hope that they can restrain themselves more than me or this might turn out very…bizarre. Then she promotes from sincerely to cordially? I hope that is a good sign. It wouldn’t be to good if she signed it hostility. I am afraid of all of the guys at this point especially Kevin and Chip. NOW WHAT IS WITH THE POSTSCRIPT! Go get ‘um? Now I’m a cattle rancher? Yeeha….I guess.

May 6, 59

I decided to call the company today to get that special birthday offer before I ran out of time. I thought it would be a spicy touch to the drabness of the pool party celebration. Getting it set up alone caused more of a headache than it was worth.

MM-matchmaker: Love Connection Time Central of the I Need A Buddy Help Line: For those seeking the relationship needs that all humanity requires and wants. This is Courtney, how may I help you?

Me: Uh? Yhea Hi. I…just became a member and was wondering—

MM: Member number please

Me: Member number?

We spent the next fifteen minutes searching for my number (4546).

MM: Ah, yes. Ms. Oilwood. How may I be of service?

Me: I wanted to take up the offer of the special Birthday date with number….5843. (I had simply picked right off the top)

MM: When would you like that?

Me: My birthday

MM: Fantastic! Mr. Horkshire has an opening on May thirteenth at four thirty.

Me: But I want it on the ninth. My birthday

MM: Special requests costs extra ma’am

Me: I was told no extra cost!

MM: I don’t know why you thought this was a free corporation. Special requests take more paper work. I do not make the rules.

Me: I was told distintly in a letter from Mrs. Oodles— ( I had pronounced it like poodles without the p)

MM: Mrs. Oodles (she said it with a strong O)

(I was starting to get upset)

Me: Fine! Oodles! All I want is a date. Is there anyone with half a brain that I can speak to.

MM: No need to raise your voice Ms., this is a friendly corporation.

Me: I just want to have the date on my birthday just like Mrs. Oodles promised in the letter.

MM: Yes, Ma’am. Each new member gets a free birthday date.

(Now I knew exactly what kind of woman I was dealing with. I started to talk much slower to her)

Me: Give me a date with Mr. Horkshire

MM: Member—

Me: 5843!

MM: Ok Ms. Oilwood. You are all set. Your date will pick you up at five o’clock on June third. That will nine fifty. Thank you for calling Love Connection Time Central of the I Need A Buddy Help Line: For those seeking the relationship needs that all humanity requires and wants.

Me: Hold on!

(At this point I didn’t care)

Me: Thank you Courtney