My Psychotic Kitten Chapter One The Fruit Salad Incident

A/n: Yes, this is real.

No, I'm not kidding.

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My kitten is the most psychotic thing on Earth.

He is also, coincidentally, the hungriest thing on Earth.

Don't believe me? Well let me give just one example from today. And yes we feed him plenty of kitten food.

The Fruit Salad Incident.

My stepfather, Bill, made fruit salad roughly 2 days ago. I got the sudden urge to eat some today. So I walked out of the room I was in and spotted my little kitten, Felix nicknamed Satan's Gremlin by me, sitting right in front of the door.

"Aww . . . " I said and picked him up, petting him.

Now in all reality, Felix is not very big considering how much he eats (and wants to eat!) He weighs about a pound and a half to two pounds. That's all. He's tiny, white with orange on his back, and top of his head. Just to give you a good idea of what my little Gremlin kitty looks like.

I carried him to the kitchen with me on my quest for fruit salad. Now, that was probably stupid on my part because everyone in my house knows he is addicted to food. And when you bring him into the kitchen, or when he follows you there and thinks you're getting food he'll cry. Yes, you heard me right. He cries.

He can't meow as of now. He sounds like a kitten that has just swallowed a parrot and it's still alive and squawking inside his throat. And to be honest with you, I really wouldn't doubt his capabilities of swallowing a parrot.

Anyway, I set him on the counter. Obviously, I have gotten no sleep or something because that is the worst possible place for him to be while I'm trying to get food.

I get a plate (paper because people in my home are too lazy to do dishes.) Then I watch him attack the plate. Laughing, I walk over to the fridge and get the big green, semi-transparent bowl out and place it atop the counter with the cat who has now began looking at it with interest. I can almost hear him coming up with ideas to steal the contents as I pull off the lid. So I put the bowl as far right as I can, to avoid the cat. The plate is next to the bowl, closer to the cat.

So, feeling confident of my kitty banishing capabilities, I grab a fork while holding onto the cat. I scoop some fruit salad onto the plate and let go of the cat to eat a grape. That was my first mistake.

He dived onto the plate and attacked a piece of watermelon. I picked him up but he would not release his prize. So I let him eat it, figuring it would distract him long enough for me to get the fruit salad on my plate and the bowl back into the fridge.

I was wrong, of course. He had devoured the piece of watermelon which was roughly and inch and a half wide and tall (rather big for him), in a matter of seconds. I scooped some fruit salad on my plate, held him at bay with my hand, and then grabbed the lid with my free hand, tossing it back on. Then I grabbed the plate very quick and set it on the other counter, hoping he hadn't yet learned to jump from one to the other.

I was in luck. He paced on the edge of the counter, trying futilely to get the plate of fruit. That gave me time to get everything put away.

Finally, I grabbed him and the plate, thinking I had won.

But no, the kitten is always the winner.

I seated myself back in my computer chair and set the plate on my lap so I could type to my friend.

That was my next mistake.

The crazed kitten climbed up my leg. I was lucky I'm wearing jeans today and not shorts. Then he stole something as quick as he could and ran!

And this is only one of many reasons, I feel my kitten, Felix Sockz G_______ is completely, and utterly psychotic.

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A/n: There will be more! As soon as he does something else.