Casey's Clues

(Parody of Blue's Clues) Dedicated to: Zandrea and Derek, two kick-ass friends!

*story starts out in a simple place...atop a hill with a the shadows leaning over everything and one freaky house all boarded up except for the front door*

Casey: *dusts his coat off* OK, kids! This is our first case! Are you ready?!

Kids: *cheer for Casey for no damn reason*

Casey: All right! Let's go in! *does fake walk thing and grumbles then normally walks up to the house* OH! Look boys and girls! It's Butch, my K-9 dog detective! Say "hi" Butch!

Butch: ...*growls and snarls at the screen making the camera man stumble back*

Casey: ...Well now, lets see what our case is about! *pulls out a pmaplet from his coat and reads it aloud from cover to backside* CAUTION! Illegal distribustion of this paper and or any of its contents will result under penalty of law! Our mission is to find out what kind of things have been going on in this here house! WHAT FUN!!! *throws the paper behind him*

Kids: ...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Butch: *barks and growls at the kids voices*

Kids: ...O_O...

Casey: Hmm...Is this the doorway? Or is the creepy old window that has nails all rusted and blood stained the door? *sits and waits for the kids to respond*

Kids: ...the door! Not window, go to door!

Casey: All right! *walks right throught he caution tape and looks around* Well now...what do we have here? *picks up a notebook labeled "CLUES" and skims through it* I know! *busts into a song* When we find the first...*waits for it* bloody handprint, that's our first clue! Then we put it in our notebook because it's Casey's clues! Then we gotta find two more of those damn prints and something else and uh...we're done *stops singing PDQ*

Butch: *sniffs around and pulls out a bag of crack*

Casey: ...there's no clue on that...put it away.......*snatches the bag and puts it in his pocket* Well, where shouls we start?!

Kids: ..living woom!!

Casey: OK!!! *walks into the living room and looks around* Wow! An authentic old blood stained chair! Let's sit down for a moment! *sits down and looks at the old dust covered floor*

Butch: *sits next to Casey and looks around*

Casey: *blinks and looks to his left* Hey kids! It's a cadaver! Here's the cadaver it never fails to make me wanna scream and yell, when I see it I seem to wail, "CADAVER!!!" *looks at the corpse and pokes it with a stick* Uh...

Cadaver: *gasps and squirms*

Casey: HOLY FUCK!!! *pulls out his Beretta 9mm and plugs full of lead* Wait...what's this? *puts on a rubber glove and pulls out a piece of paper from the cadaver's mouth* Hmm...it says, "Leave now or die a horrible death! Sincerely, Evil Hatchet Murderer"

Kids: *see the bloddy handprint on the back of the paper* A CLUE! A CLUE!!!

Butch: *barks at the kids again*

Kids: *scream and calm down suddenly*

Casey: ...*turns the paper over* Ooohhhh... *nods and raises an eyebrow* Uh...OK...we need to put this into our no-*gets cut off by the kids screaming "NOTEBOOK!"* SHUT UP!!!

Kids: .....

Casey: OK... *takes the paper and slips it into a folder in the notebook getting the blood smeared all over the damn thing* Shit...this stains like a bitch...

Butch: *starts sniffing around and heads into the kitchen*

Casey: Butch, wait! *follows him in and looks at two posessed bullets dancing around the counter* Look kids! It's Mr. .357 and Mrs. 9mm! Say hi!

Kids: HIIIIIIIII!!!!!

9mm: ...*tips over and rolls off the counter*

Casey: *picks it up and loads it into his Beretta* Well...I guess they had a kid too... *looks at a single pellet from an airgun on the counter* Let's call it...Daisy!

.357: *tips over and rolls to the side*

Casey: Let's get going shall we? *steps into the bedroom and stares at the blood stained walls and sheets* Uh...I guess we can find a clue in here...?

Butch: *starts licking some of the fresh pool of blood near the door*

Casey: Well he can't be far kids! That blood is as fresh as when he cut the person up and gutted them like a fish!

Kids: ...

Casey: *looks around the corners and under the bed and smiles* We found something useful! *pulls out some bloody entrails from under the bed and digs through it with his bare hands* I think...I got...something... *yanks out a hatchet with about four to five bloody handprints on it*

Kids: ..uh..a clue...a clue!

Casey: I SEE THAT DAMMIT!!!

Butch: *takes the hatchet from Casey and drops it into an evidence bag that's seems to have been there ahead of time*

Casey: *wipes his hands all over his coat and pants not caring about it since they're all black* Well now...let's see if we can find one more clue..or...two...or was it one?

Kids: It was one!!!

Casey: OK, fine, let's hurry up...I need a smoke... *heads into the bathroom and finds nothing then heads into the dining room and yawns*

Butch: *follows like any faithful K-9 would*

Casey: *picks up a dusty phone and tries hitting the numbers on it but can't seem to push the damn buttons in* Fucking piece of shit! *takes the reciever and slams it against the base of the phone repeatedly* Cheap hunk of plastic and wires! *grabs the phone and rips its cord right out of the wall then throws it out of the window*

Butch: *leaps out of the window after the phone*

Casey: SHIT!! *runs to the window and cringes* ooooo...that's not good... *turns towards the camera man and smiles* Don't let that stop us!

Kids: ...puppy...

Casey: He was old anyways! *grabs the evidence bag and staples it to the notebook cover* So it's one more clue...let's find out where it is! *runs through the whole damn house* Hey kids, it's the cadaver from earlier!!!

Kids: um...

Casey: *kneels down to the thing and looks at it closely*

Cadaver: *lies still punctured with twelve 9mm rounds* ...HEY!

Casey: *gasps and falls back* FUCK!!!

Cadaver: is uh...this a clue? *points a broken and twisted finger at his spinal column sticking out of his back*

Casey: *grabs the spinal cord and rips it out of the corpse nodding at the red blood hand print* Yes it is!

Cadaver: *spasms and goes out cold drooling blood form the mouth*

Casey: *puts what he can of the spinal cord in the notebook* OK kids, now lets sit down and think about what this hatchet murderer was up to! *sits down in the same blood stained chair* Now what does a death note... *waits for the camera man to drop the thing down on a line* ...a hatchet... *picks it up, stil in the evidence bag* and a severed spinal clomun all have in common?

Kids: Um...uh... *get confused*

Casey: Well...?

Kids: ...

Casey: *sighs* It smells like homicide to me!

Kids: ...yea..yea!

Camera man: *adjusts the camera and looks around a bit then focuses on a dark shadow in the corner*

Casey: We missed something!

Kids: Oooohhhh....

Casey: *gets up from the chair and walks over to the corner* What is it?!

Shadowed figure: *laughs all crazy like*

Casey: ...get the fuck out here now!

Hatchet Murderer: *steps out* OK! IT WAS ME!!! YOU SEE KIDS!?!?!? I DID IT!! I WAS THE ONE THAT SLAUGTERED THE HELPLESS MAN ADN USED HIS INTESTINES AS STREAMERS AND MADE HIS BLOOD MY PAINT AND HIS FLESH MY CANVAS!!!!!

Casey: ...you know you're gonna get lifetime in jail or death penalty for this, right?

Murderer: ...wha?

Casey: *pulls out his Beretta and caps the jack-ass in the head* Well...that's our case for today! See you next time when we travel to the insane asylum and try to figure out why everybody wants out! Bye!

Kids: BYYEEEEE!!!

Casey: *grabs the crack from his coat and rips the bag open as he walks out with teh camera man right behidn him and the camera dragging at his feet*