|The Liam Smith Show: Return of the Fanboy
Author: Jason Gaston PM
Episode #46: Gary the Fanboy returns to Las Vegas to get back together with Stacy. Now that Liam has a shot at Kari Wuhrer, will he take it?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Words: 3,555 - Favs: 1 - Published: 09-16-02 - id: 969647
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM and STACY are enjoying a nice, quiet, homemade dinner. STACY Mmm, this is delicious, Liam. What's the recipe? LIAM Burn all your food and call Chow Yun's in a panic. She laughs. LIAM What are you laughing at? I still have bandages across my stomach! STACY You've been so nice to me over the last month. LIAM Hell, you've been nice to me! I mean, when you first moved here, you hardly gave me the time of day, but now... STACY Now you're the best friend I have. LIAM Best friend? STACY Yeah. LIAM Best friend. Cool. I like the sound of that. I've always been either a third best friend or a second best friend, but best best friend... Wow, that's awesome! STACY Liam? LIAM Yeah? STACY There's something I want to- The doorbell rings. Liam gets up and answers it and there, standing at the door, is GARY THE FANBOY. LIAM Gary? GARY Hey, Liam! How's it going? LIAM What the hell are you doing here!? GARY Well, I'm afraid things between me and Kari didn't quite work out the way we hoped. LIAM They didn't? GARY No, I got involved in the protest movement to put the Star Wars movies on DVD. I'm sick of having to buy the trilogy every time George Lucas decides to re-release them on VHS! I've got twenty different box sets in my room! Greedy genius bastard. Anyway, I got obsessed with it and she kicked me out and filed for divorce. Something about communications problems or something. I don't know, I never listen to her when she gets bitchy. Anyways, I'm moving back to Upda Creek and I'm here to stay! LIAM You mean... You and Kari Wuhrer are no longer married? GARY That's about the size of it! LIAM That means she's available again! GARY Uh... Yeah? LIAM And THAT means she could be mine! GARY Uh... Yeah. Listen, have you seen Stacy around? LIAM And THAT means that Kari Wuhrer will probably love me now! GARY Nevermind. I'll find her myself. He turns to leave when Stacy walks up to the door. STACY I knew you were here, Gary. I could smell the pungent smell of Body Odor and noxema from the other room. GARY Stacy, honey, baby, sweetie... How's it going? What's shakin'? STACY Now that you're here? My faith in a higher power. GARY I deserved that! I deserved that! STACY Oh, you deserve a LOT more than that, you dick! GARY Stacy, I came back here because I realized I made a terrible mistake. STACY What? Continuing to breathe? GARY No, I left you behind and, although I can never make it up to you, I want you back! He gets down on one knee. GARY Will you take me back? Liam looks at Stacy. Stacy looks at Gary. Gary pops a zit on his nose. FADE OUT. ----- THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons") Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Show! It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net! No networks would touch this thing, and that is a real sure bet! Don't you go and get depressed! An internet show's more fun! A lot of what you see is up to you, Just use your imagination! Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow! OLÉ! ------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
"Bippo the Clown"
Neil Patrick Harris
"Gary the Fanboy"
Special Guest Stars
----- INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy is talking to CHOCOLATE TREAT and DORIS STACY ...and I know it would be a mistake to take him back after he dropped me like a copy of Battlefield Earth, but I still feel something for him? DORIS Oh, Stacy... It's called PITY! Back in my day, Gary the Fanboy was something we called a "mercy lay". CHOCOLATE TREAT Listen to her, girl! She may be old and decrepid, but she knows what she's talking about. I once felt sorry for this little guy a few years ago and gave him an eighty percent off special. Turned out it was that damned Urkle kid. I wonder whatever happened to him. DORIS Probably struck down by a venereal disease, dear. STACY (before CT can respond) Girls, this isn't helping! What should I do? DORIS Dump him! CHOCOLATE TREAT Hard and mean! STACY It's not that simple. CHOCOLATE TREAT It's not? STACY No... You see, when we were going out last year and I would get mad at him and try to dump him, he'd do things to me. CHOCOLATE TREAT (interested) Things? DORIS (equally interested) What... SORT of things? STACY He'd sing to me. CHOCOLATE TREAT (disappointed) Oh. STACY And when he did that, I'd just melt. He has the prettiest voice in the world and the way he plays the Ukulele is something that just can't be topped. DORIS Wait a minute, I thought that you and Liam were... STACY Were what? DORIS You know... She puts her finger in her hand and moves it in and out. STACY (shocked) What? ME And LIAM? No, no, no, no, no! We're just friends! CHOCOLATE TREAT And you'd better damn well stay that way! If I suspected you and Liam was doing the wicked wahtuse, I'd rip your head off! Liam is mine! The doorbell rings. Stacy answers. It's Gary the Fanboy. GARY Hi, Stacy! STACY Oh, uh... Girls? Could you leave us alone for a minute? DORIS All right, but you remember what we said! Doris walks by Gary and mouths the words, "Son of a..." before exiting. Chocolate Treat surreptitiously gives Gary her phone number and winks before she leaves. STACY Gary, I can't go through this again! You broke my heart! GARY It wasn't my fault! STACY Why not? GARY I'm a child of the 90's! According to my therapist, it's all my parent's fault. Stacy isn't amused. GARY Look, the fact is... I miss you. I miss the way you held me, I miss the way you laugh, and I miss the way you treated me. You treated me like a human being and not like the gum on the bottom of your shoe. STACY And because of that, you dropped me without a second of thought for a two-bit direct to video slut? GARY It was a mistake, all right? I admit it! I made a BIG mistake leaving you, but I want to make it up to you now. STACY How? GARY Take me back and I swear on the warp nacelles of the Enterprise and my burning hatred of Jar Jar Binks that I will never leave your side again. I'll be with you from now until eternity and beyond. A beat. STACY Gary, I'm going to have to think about this. GARY All right. You can discuss it with Liam, your little gay friend. STACY Liam is not gay! LIAM (through wall) Thank you! Not that I was listening or anything! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is up against the wall with a cup to her ear. Bippo and Thad are leaning over his shoulder. BIPPO Well? LIAM She said she's going to think about it. THAD Wow, this must really suck for you. LIAM Why? I think it's great! THAD You do? LIAM Yeah! With Gary out of the picture, Kari Wuhrer is all mine! BIPPO Kari W-- Liam, you're still smitten with that silicon having, couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, booby bouncing bimbo? LIAM It's destiny, Bippo! Destiny. THAD Soooo, what are you planning? LIAM I'm going to Hollywood, visit Kari, and confess my true feelings. BIPPO What about the restraining order? LIAM Ah, I discovered a loophole. (he gets out the document) Look at this box here where it says, "Do not write in this box"? BIPPO She wrote "OK". LIAM And thus invalidated the order. THAD That ditzy bitch! LIAM And now, she will be mine! Liam runs out the front door. THAD Poor stupid idiot, Liam. He just doesn't get it. BIPPO Get what? THAD That what he needs the most is right here staring him in the face. BIPPO That's beautiful Bippo hugs him. Thad tries to get away, but Bippo won't let go. EXT. DEATH VALLEY Liam runs by a breakneck speed. A Map is superimposed over various scenes of Liam running in the dessert of his path between Las Vegas and Hollywood. EXT. HOLLYWOOD We see the giant Hollywood sign overlooking the city. A sign comes into view that says "DAYS SINCE LAST DISASTER: 002". Suddenly, a small earthquake rumbles the ground and the sign bursts into flames and fall down. The "H" from the Hollywood sign breaks off and falls down the mountain. EXT. HOLLYWOOD - CONTINUOUS MEG RYAN and RUSSELL CROWE are walking hand and hand. The shaking is subsiding. MEG RYAN Wow, that was quite a shaker, wasn't it? RUSSELL CROWE Not quite as big as the shaker we made behind your husband's back! MEG RYAN Yes, and all of the tabloids are hailing me as a hero for cheating on him! RUSSELL CROWE We're famous and rich, baby! There is no consequences for our actions! A shadow overtakes them. They look up. MEG RYAN What the "H"? WHAM! The "H" from the Hollywood Sign flattens them into chunks of scummy cheating unfaithful goo. Liam runs by, steps on the letter, and continues to his destination. EXT. KARI WUHRER'S HOUSE The extravagant mansion sits in the Hollywood Hills Liam runs up to the front door and knocks. After a few minutes, Kari Wuhrer answers. LIAM Kari? KARI WUHRER What? Oh, it's you. Found out about the "OK" in the "Do not write in this box" box, huh? LIAM Kari, I came as soon as I heard. KARI WUHRER (deadpan) Wonderful. LIAM Kari, I have to know. Do you feel anything for me? A sliver of love? A small ember of affection that we may fan into the flames of desire? KARI WUHRER Let me think, ah... No. LIAM Nothing? KARI WUHRER No, wait... I DO feel something. LIAM You DO!? KARI WUHRER I feel repulsed by you. If you were the last man on earth, the cockroaches would become the dominant life-form because I would never touch you even if it meant the continuation of the human race! Not only do I not like you, Liam Smith, but I become sick at the very mention of your name! Every time I read one of those letters you send me about your stupid life and stupid friends, I want to vomit! I want to beg God to strike you down! I want you to fall into a bog and never be found again not even for a museum exhibit five thousand years in the future! Liam Smith, you are without a doubt the most silly, insignificant TROLL who has ever laid eyes on me and fallen in love and that INCLUDES Charlie O'Connell! LIAM (shocked) Charlie O'Connell!? (a beat) So... That's a no, right? KARI WUHRER YES!!! THAT IS THE BIGGEST NO I CAN COME UP WITH!!! Liam sits there for a minute soaking in her tirade. For a moment, it looks like he is about to cry, he takes in a deep breath, looks Kari Wuhrer in the eyes, and finally speaks. LIAM (happily) Okay! Thanks you for your time! He begins to walk down the walkway to the front gates, but stops. LIAM What am I doing!? That's Kari Wuhrer! The love of my life and I'm about to just walk away from her for good! He runs back to Kari Wuhrer. LIAM Uh, Kari? KARI WUHRER What? LIAM Sorry about the letters. I'll stop sending them to you. KARI WUHRER (taken aback) W-Well, good! Liam walks away. He stops. LIAM What is WRONG with me!? Why am I acting like this!? He turns around. LIAM Kari, there's something I have to say. Kari looks at him. Liam appears to go blank for a minute until finally saying: LIAM Anaconda really sucked. KARI WUHRER What? LIAM D'ah... I mean, it was terrible. KARI WUHRER What are you...!? LIAM NO! NO! I Mean, It was cheesy and you were awful. KARI WUHRER What are you saying!? LIAM I don't know. It's all just coming out of me! KARI WUHRER I just crushed your heart like a seedless grape and you're prancing around like Danny freakin' Kaye! LIAM I know, isn't that strange? I don't feel bad at all. A beat. LIAM Well, see ya! Liam walks away. KARI WUHRER But, wait a damn minute! You... Liam walks out the gate and out of sight leaving a very confused Kari Wuhrer behind. KARI WUHRER But... A tear rolls down her face. KARI WUHRER Via con dios, Liam Smith. EXT. DEATH VALLEY Liam runs by on his way back home. INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy is sitting with Chocolate Treat and Doris. STACY I'm just so confused. What should I do? Gary seems so promising, but I'm just so scared of getting hurt again. CHOCOLATE TREAT Honey, you should just do what Ricky Lake said to do last week on her show. DORIS I didn't know you watched Ricky Lake. CHOCOLATE TREAT Watch it? Honey, I was ON it! It was a show about cross-dressers. STACY It WAS!? So that means your a... CHOCOLATE TREAT Sibling to a cross-dresser? Sadly, yes. But, anyway... Ricky Lake says that you should just close your eyes and the first person you see is your heart's true love. DORIS Oh, come on Stacy. Give it a try. STACY (closes her eyes) Okay, heart... Who do I love? FADE TO: BLACK All of the sudden, a door opens in the background and we see a silhouette of a man enter. We can't make out any details about him because of the extreme darkness of the room. He comes closer and closer and closer until his face is illuminated by light. LIAM Why is it so dark in here? CUT TO: INT: STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy's eyes fly open in shock. STACY Liam! CHOCOLATE TREAT (deep mean voice) WHAT!? Doris reaches around and places a cloth full of chloroform in from of Chocolate Treat's mouth. After struggling for a few minute, Chocolate Treat succumbs and passes out. DORIS Good thing I carry this stuff with me all the time or Chocolate Treat might have hurt you! STACY (shocked) I... love... LIAM!? DORIS The truth hurts, doesn't it? STACY Liam!? Of all people, why Liam? DORIS Because he's a good kid with a kind heart who has never treated you with anything but respect and admiration, Stacy. That's why! STACY Oh, jeez! Why didn't I see it before? DORIS Probably the same reason poor Mr. Hilter didn't see that werewolf until it was too late. Sometimes, love is a predator that jumps you when you least expect it, but unlike Mr. Hilter, you can do something about it. Stacy looks at her in confusion. STACY But... Liam? DORIS Even Julia Roberts had a Lyle Lovett, sweetheart. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is sitting there with Bippo and Thad. LIAM ...and then I just said "bye" and left like that! What is wrong with me!? THAD Simple, man! You didn't really love her. LIAM But, I know I'm in love, Thad! I just know it! THAD But not with Wuhrer? Liam slumps in his seat. LIAM No, not with Wuhrer. Not anymore. It's like she never meant anything to me, you know? (a beat) Guys, what's wrong with me? BIPPO (an idea) Hey! Why don't you just do what Ricky Lake says? Close your eyes and the first person you think if will be the person you love. LIAM Really? BIPPO Really. LIAM What the hell. Might as well try! Liam shuts his eyes. LIAM All right, brain. Who do I love? FADE TO: BLACK TWILIGHTS ZONE INTRO Clocks and stuff fly by in a sequence mirroring the intro to the classic Twilight Zone show. ROD SERLING You are entering a dimension of sight and sound, a dimension of contrivance and stupidity. Don't look now, but you've just crossed over into... The Liam Zone. MUSIC STING. Liam is alone in the blackness. He turns around and sees FAHARA FAWCETT behind him. FAHRA FAWCETT Hello, Liam. I was on that poster that got you through all of those lonely nights in high school. Fahra Fawcett disappears. A kitten dangling from a tree with the words "HANG IN THERE" appears. KITTEN I was on your wall too, but did you notice me? NO, you freakin' BASTARD! Oh, yeah... Hang in there, kid! The kitten disappears. A little girl in pig-tails appears. LITTLE GIRL Hello, Liam. I'm the first girl you ever kissed. The little girl turns into a huge muscular woman carrying a tennis racket. LITTLE GIRL NOW I'M A MEMBER OF THE LESBIAN PRO TENNIS CIRCUIT. A lawyer appears. LAWYER I represent Miss Wuhrer and if you use her image in this dream sequence, it will cost you 32 thousand. The lawyer disappears in a fireball. Liam is alone. Suddenly, a hand touches his shoulder, he whirls around to see Stacy. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam awakens. LIAM STACY! BIPPO & THAD Doy! INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy is talking to Gary. STACY Look, Gary. I've made up my mind. All you can do now is do the decent thing, act like a man, let's just be friends, and get the hell on with our lives! GARY (sniffles) Well, if that's the way you feel, I guess I'll be on my way. Gary heads towards the door and out of frame. Suddenly, we hear the strums of a ukulele. The camera swings around to find Gary playing the instrument. GARY (singing) Stacy... STACY Please don't... GARY (singing) ...you make my heart go crazy. It won't ever be lazy, if you come right home with me. Gary's tune is actually quite good. Stacy has melted. STACY Oh, damn... She goes to Gary and prepares to kiss him when Liam appears with a bass drum and accordion. LIAM (singing) Gary... is quite a fairy! He wants to tie you down while you're still young! GARY HEY! LIAM (continues singing) He wants your body, thinks you're a hottie! But he'll chew your heart like it's Bubble Yum! Liam stops singing. It was pretty bad. Stacy looks at Liam, then at Gary. Gary looks at Stacy, then at Liam. Liam looks down at the Bass Drum and Accordion and chucks them aside. LIAM Look, Stacy... I've lost track of what's cute and stupid over the last few days. All I want to say is that I want what's best for you. It may not be me, but I know it's not him! He thumbs over in Gary's direction. Gary plucks a few of the Ukulele strings. GARY (singing) Lover... Without you there's no other... LIAM (finishing the verse) Give him a chance, he'll do your mother! Stacy laughs. STACY (to Liam) You're right! (to Gary) Gary, honey, it's all over. Why don't you do sit out in the middle of the highway and wait, okay? She's pushed him to the door. GARY I'm never giving up! (he sees someone) Hey, gorgeous What's your name!? Stacy slams the door in Gary's face and then looks at Liam. They both laugh. STACY Liam, thank you! LIAM Oh, well... It w-was nothing, you know. Stacy picks up the Accordion and begins to play. STACY (singing) Liam... I'm glad that you're not gay. (nudges him playfully) I may show you why someday. LIAM (realizes) Yay. FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS