The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.28 - "A Time to Die"
Written by David Hopper

INT. A BAR - DREW FANGTASTIC sits by himself in the bar, a large circle of emptiness between him and the crowd. In the distance is LIAM SMITH, THAD COFFEE and BIPPO THE CLOWN. None of them have seen Drew, and he hasn't noticed them. LIAM See, I told you he wasn't here. THAD I could have sworn I saw that jerk in here. LIAM Oh Thad, what's he ever done to you? BIPPO Apart from ask you not to hump his leg, and beat you up a couple of times? THAD Gee, I seem to remember wolfing out one time and waking up seeing some rather strange, freaky things thanks to a rather large dose of Marijuana he'd stuffed down my throat. LIAM Well he did do that to stop you eating me and the professor. THAD And there was that time he jumped me as a wolf before the Justice Squad formed. LIAM You were after my P.E.N.I.S. Thad, and you were trying to kill Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz, he did kind of have a moral reason to stop you. BIPPO Drew? Morals? Never thought I'd hear those two words in a sentence together. LIAM Anyways, he's not here. You must have just seen someone else with long hair, sideburns, a dodgy goatee, a leather coat and a thing for dark colors. THAD Still, if only we could find out more about him. There's very little we know about him, why he was in hell, why he takes it so personally when I wolf out. BIPPO You probably ate a friend of his. THAD Nah, I'd know if I'd ate a vampire. They taste funnier then clowns. The gang leaves, Bippo giving Thad a somewhat worried look. Drew is now sipping from a clear glass, minding his own business. Two people walk in to the bar from the distance, RYMER and ANNA, who sit down at a table. Rymer gets up to order some drinks and spies DREW. He approaches him. RYMER Does your mother still charge a nickel for head? DREW's eyes narrow as he hears this. He sips his drink slowly, and stays where he is. DREW Nope, but I hear yours charges more since she lost her teeth. RYMER That's a lie. It's been a quarter and it'll always be a quarter. DREW Ah, gone up market has she? RYMER High class stuff she is. Drew turns around, a very thin smile on his face. DREW Then what the hell did she ever see in your dad? They both lunge at each other and slaps their hands into a handshake. RYMER How you doing you bastard? DREW Not too bad, set down some routes here, well kinda. Set myself up in someone's tomb, how's that for melodramatic? RYMER Pretty fuc**ing melodramatic. Heard you got yourself killed, you don't look very dead to me. DREW I did, and I was. Long story, big black guy and a little white girl did me, but I managed to hitch a ride out of hell. Jaw still hurts from those roundhouse kicks of hers. So, how you keeping? RYMER Aye, pretty well, apart from a bad case of lead poisoning. Bullet wounds. This Italian sh**te had me pinned down, kept filling me full of lead. Trying to kill me slowly. DREW He was trying to FILL you up with LEAD? They break down laughing at the rather poor innuendo. RYMER Being dead didn't change your sick sense of humour much, did it? Come on, I'll reintroduce you to Anna. Drew's face lights up. DREW Anna? She's here? (a beat, then quite worried) oh boy. Is my hair tidy? Do I need a shave? Does my breath smell bad? Oh god. RYMER Yeah, like garlic. Drew starts biting his nails, then goes a bit further. RYMER Er, Drew, you've got most of your fingers in your mouth now. Shouldn't you stop? MUSICAL STING FADE OUT: ---- THEME SONG to the theme of Blackadder II There once was a time long ago, that guest written scripts were written to a standard. But now for some reason that's unclear, this bastards gone and thrown in some perversion. Drew Fangtastic, Drew Fangtastic, just where do you get off? Drew Fangtastic, Drew Fangtastic, what are you trying to do? Liam Smith, Liam Smith, your in the backseat again. Liam Smith, Liam Smith, cos that Vampire told you to. Olé ---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys Davis
as
"Professor Arturo"

ALSO STARING

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the clown"

David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"

GUEST STARRING

Arnold Schwarzenegger
as
"The Determinator"

Ben Affleck
as
"Rymer"

Eliza Dushka
as
"Anna"

Stephen Fry
as
"Melchett"

Frank Welker
as
the voice of "Megatron"

Christopher Lee
as
the voice of "Death"

and
Wesley Snipes
as
"Blade"

AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Snoop Doggy Dog INT. BAR - the group is now sitting around the same table as earlier, RYMER, DREW and ANNA are surrounded by a forest of beer glasses. Anna is fiddling with her drink awkwardly, Drew and Rymer are obviously quite drunk now. For someone whose supposed to be his best friend, Rymer seems to have quite a sarcastic attitude towards Drew. Anna isn't convinced Drew is who he says he is though. ANNA So, you're back from the dead now? Meaning you were actually dead, stake through the heart kinda thing? So what's the story? DREW Oh it's a long, long story. ANNA So, how do we know your on the level, that your not someone else pretending to be him since he's dead? Drew looks at her flabbergasted. RYMER Don't worry Anna, this guy IS on the level. (to Drew) We've had a few run ins with people pretending to be you. (another beat, he starts counting off on his fingers) And people claiming to be Dracula, Lestat, Nick Knight, and some moody vampire who seemed to think he was an Angel of the lord. Gabriele I think. ANNA No, I think that was the calm little girl who hung around with the psycho Aussie. You know, with all the leather and the sword and that stupid circular thing. RYMER Whatever. I know my buddy, this guy is cleaner then the pope. Well, 'cept for the blood drinking of course. Doesn't ever do anything illegal. Drew looks thoughtful. DREW Yeah, Mr Clean me, never lifts a finger to the undeserving. RYMER It's his only vice, he needs it to live like humans need... need… air, yeah air. One thing, air and water. Two things, air, water and food. Three, Three things, air, water and food. So it's not really anything to be ashamed of having to do. DREW (thoughtful) Except that one time at Woodstock. Or was it Glastonberry? Or was it V 2000? No, I was dead by then. (a beat) Besides if you really need to know it's me, give me a bit of sugar and that ought to prove who I am who I say I am. And if the sugar isn't enough, then I'm sure we can… arrange some other display. Something you'd recognize. RYMER Okay, so that's his other vice. His only other vice. Sex, and drinking blood. DREW Of the guilty. ANNA Yeah, well we all need to drink blood these days, don't we? Drew raises an eyebrow. ANNA (peeved) Yeah, I'm a vampire now. DREW You're a vampire now? How? RYMER Well, Anna and me have both kinda had run in with this stuffed up git. He was after me, but he stabbed her and by the time I'd killed him it was either bring her across or, well lose her. (he leans across to Drew and sneers) I know what she means to you. Drew so drunk now he doesn't know what to make of this. He looks at the sad face of Anna then the sneering face of Rymer, then at his drink, and forces it down his throat. He looks like he's fighting back the tears. DREW Can't believe this, I really can't. ANNA I really don't think we should be telling everyone this to just anyone. DREW (angry) Your not telling just anyone, your telling me. Come on, I thought we meant something to each other? Anna looks nervous. ANNA Well yeah, but… things have changed now- DREW I thought you'd agreed to... A drunk bumps into the table and starts hitting on Anna. DRUNK Hey, baby, how's about you and me go some place eh? Maybe have some fun? ANNA You don't know what my idea of fun is these days. Besides your drunk. Drew looks at Anna sharply at the mention of "fun". DRUNK Not yet I ain't, but I know people who can help us get out of our minds together if you know what I mean. ANNA I think you'd best be moving on. RYMER You'd best be doing as she says, mate. DREW Trust me, if that Irish schmuck tells you you'd best do something someone else tells you to do, you'd better do it. DRUNK I ain't talking to you two, four, six, I'm talking to the women, both of them. So just fu**k off. DREW You didn't want to be saying that to me, boy. I could handle you hitting on my girl, since your drunk, so long as you didn't get suggestive… (a beat) which come to think of it, you did, and that kind of language is unacceptable on ANY day of the week to a lady. RYMER (smiling) Here we go. ANNA His girl? EXT. BAR - LIAM, THAD and BIPPO are still in the area, they've just left another bar as several drunks run out screaming from the bar Drew is in. THAD Well he looked like Drew. LIAM Thad, it was close to pitch black in there. THAD He smelt like a vampire. BIPPO He was a biker, they don't tend to bath much either. LIAM Just as well Bippo kicked him in the shins. Bippo hadn't kicked him there. BIPPO Shins, yeah, shins. THAD Say, what the heck is going on here anyhow? Liam starts to open his mouth to say something, but a window gets smashed as the drunk from earlier is thrown through it. BIPPO Well, it looks like happy hour is starting up early again. The drunk gets to his feet and rubs his head. He looks up to see Drew towering over him, Rymer, and Anna are standing behind him in the bar. Drew notices Liam and company and waves in a "Hi guys" manner. THAD I thought he said he was going to be out of town for a week? DREW Well, friend, if you apologize to her, as I know your going to… (a beat as he cracks his knuckles) I'll let you off without beating you into a red stain on the pavement. (a beat) Sidewalk, sidewalk, gotta remember, Americans have changed the names of just about everything in the English language. DRUNK You are dead meat, you, you, you uptight, scrawny assed, Englishmothfu- DREW Assed? What's wrong with arsed? (a beat) You asked for it. (he looks at the drunk, his eyes turn yellow) Stand on your head. RYMER I love this bit. ANNA I wish he wouldn't keep using that command power like this. RYMER Just because I haven't taught ya how to use it yet. ANNA You don't have that power, idiot. DRUNK (off screen) What the? What's going on? Why can't I stop? Help me, damnit. THAD Wow, I have never seen anyone actually stand on their own head like that. BIPPO I've only seen contortionists do that. Well, stuff similar to that. (a beat) And dead bodies, dead bodies CAN do that as well. But you have to break a few bones first. LIAM That guy is no contortionist. A loud crack is heard, followed by the Drunks screams of pain. LIAM Ouch! That must have hurt. BIPPO They sound like that too. LIAM What sounds like what? BIPPO The cracking noises. Dead bodies make those kinds of noises when you put them into that position. DRUNK Oh crap, dammit, help me, I think I've broke my damn neck. ANNA Drew, you've done it again. DREW (doesn't care) Got to try to be more specific in future. DRUNK HELP ME! RYMER It's like that time you told that arsehole of a cop to go fu**k himself. You know, he ended up stuffing his own man hood right up his- ANNA Christ sake, tell him to heal up will you? Maybe it'll work? DREW It doesn't work like that. At least, I don't think it works like that. ANNA How you going to find out unless you try? RYMER Well it's too late for experimenting, he's dead. Shall we eat out? Drew shrugs and he and Rymer change into their Vampire faces. Anna looks at them in disgust as they start to feed off the corpse - off camera. Liam and Thad look on in disgust, Bippo's eyes are wide open. BIPPO COOOOOOL. Oh man do I so want to be a vampire. THAD Uuugh. Pass the Pepto Bismol. ANNA You could always see if you can use that command power to try to raise the dead. (A beat) Then again I know how you raise the dead. A loud slurping sound, similar to someone sucking the last of a drink through a straw is heard. Drew and Rymer in human form stand up and wipe their mouths with the backs of their hands. LIAM Man I never want to see that again. DREW Then whatever you do, don't tape your self eating soup. RYMER Eh, Drew, you got anywhere we could kip for the night? And day as well. DREW (looking at Liam) Well, I might just be able to help you there. EXT. UPPDA CREEK - DREW and ARTURO are in the middle of an argument. The rest of the gang is hanging around the entrance to the building. ARTURO Certainly not, Mr Fangtastic. This is an apartment building, not a motel. We rent rooms for long periods of time, not on a nightly basis, and certainly not after that Dracula incident. LIAM How'd you know about that? We never told you about him. THAD Harry and Mr Hilter kept detailed reports of anything weird that happened here. BIPPO There were behind with the filing as it was when Mr Hilter died. LIAM Man, the things you learn. DREW Okay, professor, just come to one side a moment. They move away from everyone else, to a more quiet area. Drew starts talking to him. LIAM So how do you and Drew know each other? RYMER Oh, me and that man meet up back in the great war, he's my sire. Haven't seen him since the seventies though. He'd been hanging around Roswell for a while, never found out what he was doing there. He's always been into weird stuff. Keeps quiet though, you never find out much about him. THAD We'd noticed. So, you guys are together? ANNA Who? THAD You and Drew? ANNA We were. A few months ago. THAD Hmm, any idea why he hates Werewolves so much? ANNA I think he got word that one of them ate an old human friend of his while he was in hell. He thinks that if he'd been alive he could have done something to help out, but, I don't know. I've only known him since he got out of hell. THAD Oh? (thinking) She couldn't mean Mr Hilter, could she? ANNA That's a bit of a personal question isn't it? THAD Oh, he's been in a few fights with a couple of them round here. So it's a personnel reason is it? ANNA Drew doesn't do personnel anymore. He got revenge on the man he felt was responsible for his death back in World War I, and he's had the mans family on his tail ever since. THAD Any idea who he friend was that got ? Bippo jumps in, trying to impress Anna, dressed in a hockey mask and waving a chainsaw. BIPPO So baby, how'd ya like to compare- ANNA Don't dare hit on me, you've seen what Drew can do, haven't you? (a beat) Say, aren't you that clown form the "Circus, Circus" casino? (to Liam) And your that idiot blackjack table person. (to Thad) And you're the guy that- I saw hanging around talking to them most of the time. Just what is your job there anyhow? BIPPO I'm not hitting on you. I just want to know what you think of my stuff. ANNA (puts on a vampire face) I think you need help. Serious help. BIPPO That's funny, EVERYONE says that to me. LIAM I don't. BIPPO That's cause you know better then to. (to Anna) Love those nostrils by the way. ANNA All the better to smell you with. BIPPO And those eyes. ANNA All the better to see you with. BIPPO And those teeth. ANNA All the better to rip your throat out with. I- (she gathers her thoughts) Sorry, I, I don't normally act like that. Rymer's been smirking all the while. There really isn't a nice thing to say about his expression. Anna steps to one side. Drew and a shell shocked Arturo come back to the rest of the group. Arturo looks very white. RYMER (whispering to Thad) He looks like he just heard he won the lottery and lost the ticket when he was looking for stuff to wipe his arse with after he had a ten ton shi- ARTURO I, ahem, have had… a word with my very… good… friend… here, and he's convinced me to let you stay the night. Drew, Anna and Rymer smile, Anna's smile is very forced. She's already guessed that UPPDA DA CREEK is a death trap. Rymer looks more likes he's eying up his next meal. ARTURO However, we don't really have that much room, so you'll have to bunk up with some of the pests, er guests, er residents. (to Rymer) You can stay with Liam, he's quite into the occult, so you ought to get on well. (to Anna) You can stay with Chocolate Treat. Liam, Thad, Bippo and Drew cough. Anna and Rymer look at them. ARTURO Oh, yes. On second thoughts, you can stay in Stacy's room, She's not here at the moment. (looking at Liam) She's having her head checked. BIPPO I checked out her head and ass this morning and they looked fine! LIAM Guys, THAT MY FIANCEE!!! could you possible disrespect me any more? BIPPO Probably, but who wants to waste the effort? RYMER Drew, what's your place like then, anyhow? wondering what kinda place our modern day, arse bandit vampire is going to have. DREW You sure do know how to phrase your questions. RYMER Let's go check your place out first eh, then we can get back here. By the way, been meaning to ask you about that beard there on your chin. Why? DREW Complement the sideburns. RYMER No it doesn't. If anything they need trimming down. DREW Show me a mirror that works for us, and I'll trim them down. Drew and Rymer leave the street, while the rest of the group look at each other. ANNA Weird. ARTURO Shall we go in? I'm presuming your staying with us, and not off with your companions? ANNA Hmm, oh? Boy time. I need a rest from those two anyhow. THAD After you, madam. One by one, the gang steps in until no one is there. The camera pans away to a side street where it stops at the boots of a man. The camera travels up to reveal it's none other then MELCHETT, in the middle of spying on Drew and his friends. The camera pans away from Melchett, to the other corner of the same building, with another figure in the shadows. The Camera pans up the body to reveal the second DETERMINATOR from "THE DETERMINTOR", in the middle of obsessively hunting down Bippo. The camera pulls away from the Determinator, and up a building, pulling away to reveal a figure on top a building, with it's overcoat flapping madly in the wind. The camera cuts up close on the face of this observer, revealing it's none other then BLADE! The camera pans away, revealing their practically next to each other, all opposite UPPDA CREEK itself, not even knowing their not alone. OMINOUS MUSIC. The camera pans across to an alley opposite, revealing in the shadows, the unmistakable form of the Decepticon leader MEGATRON! Laughing to himself. The camera pans across again to reveal DEATH looking at some life timers. DEATH (off handed) NOW THIS COULD BE INTERESTING. INT. STACY'S APARTMENT - Anna examines the room and has already found a smashed up picture frame in a bin with a picture of STACY and GARY THE FANBOY. Gary is holding a model of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE. She looks across to see another picture frame with Liam and Stacy in it. ANNA She goes for nerds? Hmm, somebody must have issues with control. (a beat) Like Drew does. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is by himself cracking open more beers. LIAM Hmmph, won't let me come get drunk with them, since I let Drew come back with us and he's intimidating the Professor with dodgy photos of him. (a beat) WELL AT LEAST I'VE GOT THE BABE NOW! MELCHETT smashes out the window - complete with most of the window frame, and points his gun at Liam. MELCHETT Where is that bar steward, Drew Fangtastic, you cretin? BAAAH! LIAM Wha? How did you smash that window frame in so well? MELCHETT It doesn't matter, you little idiot. Tell me where the bloodsucker is, or I'll blow your head off. LIAM Great, I've been barred from a private party, can't get any action with Stacy because of her "no sex before marriage" thing, there's at least two more Vampires out and about, and now I've got someone with a grudge against Drew pointing a gun at me. What else could go wrong tonight? As if in answer, the DETERMINATOR jumps into the room, and lands in the open hole where the window was and points two chains guns at either man. Liam looks upwards. LIAM WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME LORD? DETERMINATOR Vhere izt ze clown? MELCHETT Who in the confounded heck are you? This is My hostage situation. Do you know who I am? BAAAH! DETERMINATOR I don't. Unt I don't care about chew. The Determinator shoots Melchett in his leg, Melchett screams, then curls up in the foetal position sucking his thumb. MELCHETT BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I want my mummy. DETERMINATOR Ze clown, gift him to me. The door gets kicked clear out of it's frame, and BLADE steps in, guns drawn and pointed at the Determinator. BLADE Yo, she bitch, stand down you stupid mother fu**ker! DETERMINATOR Does not compute. BLADE Stand down before I put you down, bitch. EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP Drew and Rymer are walking down the strip, carrying the body of a pimp dressed like a clown between them. RYMER This taste funny to you? DREW Bit dry. Must have been all the drugs in his system. RYMER How come we're not high then? DREW All we've had is a nibble so far. 'Sides I'm still full from earlier. Maybe he needs salt? The Pimp stirs, moaning. Rymer hits a spot on the mans neck and the pimp is asleep again. DREW You've got to teach me about those pressure points someday. (a beat) Anywho, what are you and Anna doing over here in the first place? RYMER Well we got word that there's a vampire here. DREW Well d'uh. RYMER smiles at him awkwardly. Drew starts acting shifty again. RYMER A vampire whose trying to fight the forces of Satan himself. DREW Why would he be doing that? RYMER I dunno, free the wronged I'd guess. DREW James, everyone is in hell because their damned. They've committed evil sins that demand eternal torture. RYMER What had you ever done in the last eighty years that warranted you going to hell? CLOSE UP ON DREW: Various shots of past events flash past his face. Drew driving WWI military car into a tree. Drew driving the hearse over the girl scouts. The Blue Fairy and Drew staring at each other. A shot of Rupert Murdoch shaking someone's hand. Drew beating up the bum in "The Determinator." The camera roams around a solitary figure in black, Death, standing next to Drew. The two lock eyes. DREW Plenty of things when I've lost my temper, or had a bad day, or had too much blood. Both before and after my little visit there. RYMER Surely the good things out weigh the bad? DREW Nope. (a beat) Any idea whose behind this resistance? RYMER Well, yeah. You. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT -Liam has had about enough of this madness. LIAM WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE? BLADE I'm Blade, I'm here for a vampire by the name of Rymer. He's an associate of a vampire me and some chick had to team up to kill. Now who the hell is this sausage eating muscle head? DETERMINATOR I am a model THX90 Determinator, designed for infiltration unt extermination of humans in ze late twenty virst century. I haft travelled back in time to kill ze saviour of humanity. I vas von of two models sent back to kill Bippo ze Clown. I arrived in England, vhere I infiltrated an inbred family of aristocrats, learning as much as I could from zem, before executing them all. Including a resistance member who had been sent back to protect Bippo Ze Clown, although he too had arrived in ze wrong place. LIAM Bippo? Saviour of humanity? Now there's a sentence I never expected to hear. Even for a joke. MELCHETT I'm a complete wuss, honest, I'm no threat to anyone. BAH! BLADE So you not after Rymer? DETERMINTOR Subject Bippo is my only objective, unless this Rymer character get's in my vay, he is safe. For now. BLADE Fine, whatever. (to Liam) Now who are you? LIAM Liam Smith, the resident of this place. And I should warn you, I have god on my side. BLADE Oh great, a freak. A fuc**ing weirdo. Tell me, church boy, do you wet the bed? LIAM Er, no? Blade points a gun at Liam, we here a noise not unlike a tap and a worried look on Liam's face. BLADE Figures. MELCHETT Damn, this hurts. BLADE Ah, shudaup, Walrus features. I ain't got time for anyone as camp as you, as**hole. LIAM Look, if you work for god, can you really allow for that thing to be around here? It's here to condemn us all to death. BLADE I don't work for god, but I do the work he should be doing. You got a good point though, kid. First sensible thing I'll bet you've said in the whole of your life. Blade fires his guns at the Determinator, hitting it square on the chest, blood and guts exploding everywhere. A close up of the Determintor's chest reveals a fist sized hole, with electric sparks arching from point to another. It falls down. DETERMINATOR Ouch. BLADE I needed the target practise anyhow. MEGATRON'S VOICE (outside the building) Very well done, but I, Megatron, am made of sterner stuff then mere Titanium. BLADE Why do you sound like that pimp Freddy from Scooby Doo gone mad? Or that psycho Dr Claw from those Inspector Gadget cartoons, or those midget Martians voices in Mars Attacks? LIAM Or Uni the Unicorn in Dungeons and Dragons? Everyone looks at Liam, disgust written on their faces. LIAM You know, that cartoon from the eighties? Everyone is still looking at Liam with disgust. LIAM Well, I always liked it. MEGATRON I don't know, but I'm sick of all the jokes that have been made about my voice. BLADE Well, whatever, why the hell are you here? MEGATRON I had heard that there is a man here, a man with the power to order people to do ANYTHING he wants them to. I intend to capture him, study him, and use his powers to conquer. The. Universe. Mwahaha, Mwahahaha, MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The room shakes, plaster dust shakes loose. Blade rolls his eyes in his skull. BLADE Figures this as**hole would be up to something stupid. LIAM Man, Elvis and the professor are going to kill me when they see the state of this room (a beat) How come no one is here to help me? INTERCUT - THAD'S APARTMENT - Thad, Bippo and Professor Arturo are all drunk, and Arturo is singing. ARTURO Oh… yes… those… were… the… DaysMyFriend, WeThoughtThey'dNeverEnd- INTERCUT - CHOCOLATE TREATS APARTMENT DOOR - a half naked man comes out with a terrified look on his face, and runs for it. INT. LIAM'S Apartment - same as before, Megatron's face is visible through what's left of the window. BLADE Well, I don't see what's in it for me. I'm after Rymer because to me, he's just another dead Vampire. And there's no reason to go handing Rymer over to you, Megalomaniac. MEGATRON Megatron BLADE Whatever, so I don't see if I have any choice here. The window to the right of Megatron gets a lot darker. MEGATRON I have a nuclear powered fusion cannon pointed at you, human. BLADE I'm not human, not anymore. MELCHETT If that things goes off, we're all fu**ked. And I for one am not prepared to be fu**ed BLADE Well I know I sure as hell ain't gonna give in to this dick. Draw pardner. MEGATRON As you wish, you miserable foolish, pawn. LIAM He's got some great insults, don't you think? MELCHETT WE'RE FUC**ED! BAAAAAAAAAAAH!! MEGATRON Don't taunt me, you freak of nature. I, wha? AUTOBOTS! No, just some strange looking earth vehicles. Oh well, I was worried there for a moment. (a beat) Almost worried. INSERT SHOT: SNOOP DOGGY DOG drives past in one of his cars, pulls up to a stop and looks out the window. SNOOP Bow wow wow, yippe aye, yippie eh, Snoop Dogs out da pound and on the prowl. (a beat) Anyone got something to smoke? Man I need some serious booty action, bring on the ho's. Megatron turns around, points his cannon at Snoop. MEGATRON Smoke this. Megatron fires. Nothing is left of Snoop except a burning tire. BLADE (out of shot) Hey, Megatron, heads up. Blade fires his shotgun, and a large silver stake hits Megatron in the back of the head, knocking him down to the ground, leaving a massive Megatron shaped crater there. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - Blade has his guns holstered, Melchett is still whimpering to himself, the Determinator is lying still, and Liam is wondering when and IF he'll get the chance to change his underwear ever again. BLADE Well, that's that over. Now if you all excuse me, pilgrims, I… pilgrims? (he shakes his head) I have a vampire to see about an appointment with the reaper. Blade steps out of the remains of the doorway, only to be knocked down by a round of machine gun fire from the Determinator. DETERMINATOR'S P.O.V - The Doorway, with the now, downed Blade, while data is displayed on screen. A circuit board diagram is displayed with the words "alternate power route" flashing on and off. More text turns up on screen. "Crappy coming-back-to-life plot device enabled." The Determinator stands to it's feet, gun raised again, and hobbles towards Blade. Blade turns around in a blur, his body armor having held, guns out already, firing, hitting the Determintor full on in the chest, arms and a leg. The Determinator shrugs it off. DETERMINATOR Hey, zese things happen. INTERCUT EXT. UPDDA CREEK - Megatron stirs. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - Blade turns around and shoots the Determinator in it's neck. It falls down, the lights fade from it's eyes. Blade starts looking around for something. BLADE Where the hell did that co**k su**ker, Melchett get to? BLADE rips the rest of the apartment apart, trying to find Melchett. MEGATRON stands to his feet BLADE looks up from what he's doing. MEGATRON narrows his eyes, and raises his cannon. BLADE lifts up a chair, and finds Melchett cowering behind it. MELCHETT BAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! BLADE Ahha, there you are you little- MEGATRON Farewell you miserable little- Blade turns and fires his shotgun again, hitting Megatron in his eye and sending him hurtling backwards into the building behind him. The building collapses under his immense weight. CUT TO: A close up of Megatrons leg scraping across the ground, hitting a pipe. EXT. UPPDA CREEK - the other building explodes, shooting flames everywhere. INT. THE TOMB OF LIBERACE - Drew and Rymer are now very drunk. RYMER HIC! DREW You just said a mouthful, mate. RYMER Listen, how'd you get that English arsehole to let me and Anna stay at that death trap? Drew get's a little mysterious here, he's certainly not telling the whole truth here. DREW Well, I found a way to get to alternate dimensions, been travelling to quite a few recently. Found one where he'd been having an affair with a resident of his apartment blocks. Took a few photos. RYMER You dog. DREW Not me, she'd taken them. I just took them from her. RYMER Woah, youch. How'd you get those? DREW Let's just say that the boiler room in that dimension was occupied for at least a night. They laugh drunkenly. RYMER No, seriously, how? DREW Oh I had to get some KY jelly - A loud explosion knocks them off their chairs, and they rush outside the tomb. EXT. GRAVEYARD - Drew and Rymer look out towards the rest of Las Vegas. As the explosion lights up the night time sky. DREW Not quite the brightest lights I've ever seen here, but still close enough. (a beat) I've got a really bad feeling about this. EXT. UPPDA CREEEK APARTMENTS - the place is a burning wreck, half the building opposite Uppda Creek has been torn apart. Survivors are lined up for medical treatment, fire engines are everywhere battling the blaze. Military units are also present. Rymer and Drew make it to the scene with looks of horror on their faces. A stretcher carrying Arturo is wheeled past them. RYMER BOL**OCKS! DREW Language, James. (a beat) Christ almighty. Professor, what happened? PARAMEDIC He can't hear you sir, heavy sedation. DREW So why are his eyes open? PARAMEDIC His eyelids got torn off in the explosion. He must have been looking right out of the window when it happened. DREW Ouch. Poor guy. Any other survivors? PARAMEDIC There's that clown guy, over there- Hey? where you'd go? Drew and Rymer have left dust trails from the speed they've moved off at. PARAMEDIC Damn Vampires and their celerity powers. DREW Bippo, Bippo? What happened? BIPPO Thad wolfed out and ate Chocolate Treat. DREW Well I doubt that's the only thing that happened here but- (a beat) What? Are we talking as in murder, or sexual activity here? BIPPO (a beat) Possibly both considering where he bit her first. DREW Yuck. Where's Liam? BIPPO Dead. DREW Dead? Liam? Dead? RYMER How about Anna? BIPPO Dead too. Drew slumps down onto the ground, shell shocked at the news. Rymer is enraged. RYMER How? How, answer me you little freak of nature. BIPPO They got blow'd up. Somehow the place opposite exploded, we don't know how though. Drew watches as the military personnel remove a stretcher with a very visible robotic arm in it. DREW Hey, why are the military here? BIPPO No idea. I was thinking bomb squad or something. Then I saw that robot arm, and it kinda looked like that thing that chased us last year, but before I could do anything, these guys showed up. Some black guy called Dyson had a whole load of questions for me. DREW Uh huh. Er, Bippo, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but does your make up ever come off? BIPPO No, I took a bath into a vat of toxic chemicals one time. FLASHBACK - Bippo dressed up like a gangster is standing amid a series of construction platforms. Suddenly he turns around and sees himself looking straight into the oncoming fist of The Blue Fairy. Bippo get's knocked over by the force of the impact and falls into a vat of chemicals. FLASHBACK ENDS BIPPO And this was the best my plastic surgeon could do. Rymer and Drew stare at him in disbelief. DREW Really? BIPPO (scoffs) No. BIPPO Wait a sec, Drew, I thought you said you'd be out of town for a few weeks? DREW Did I? A wormhole opens up, and another Drew, DREW II, gets thrown into the middle of the street. The two Drew's stare at each other. Rymer and Bippo stare at each other, then the doubles. DREW II Who the hell are you? DREW I'm you, from another dimension. I just came here for a little R&R, I had no idea all hell was going to break lose. What about you? DREW II Same thing, man, what happened here James? BIPPO Woah, the Hell Timer opens up gateways to other dimensions as well as hell? RYMER Christ, my girl is dead, a whole apartment block has gone and blown up, and now it turns out I've been drinking with an alternate reality version of one of me mates. (a beat) Guess that's what I get for coming to Vegas. DREW Your girl? RYMER Well, Anna had to show her appreciation somehow. Both Drew's stare at Rymer. DREW II What's this about Anna? My Anna? RYMER I had to turn her to save her. DREW II WHAT? Drew II jumps Rymer and tries to tear the other vampires throat out. A Beeping comes from the other Drew's pocket. He takes the timer from "Uprisings" out and looks at it. DREW Just be glad that I'm not staying here, gotta go. And with that he opens a wormhole and jumps in. the second Drew turns to Bippo while holding a choking Rymer by his neck. DREW II So, what else did I miss? BLADE Not much. DREW II YOU! You sent me to hell, you bastard. BLADE YOU? (a beat) This time I'll make sure you stay there then. Blade draws his guns, and starts shooting, gunning down both Rymer and Drew II, dusting them both. Blade then turns to face the fire crews, police, paramedics, Military people and the survivors who are looking at him. The werewolf jumps out of the burning building and pounces on Blade, knocking his gun flying. BLADE Oh crap, I could do with some help here. Knew I should have brought more silver. The Werewolf looks up and jumps off Blade quickly, just as a giant metal foot squashes Blade flat. The camera pulls up and away to reveal a seriously pissed off Megatron. He lifts his foot to see Blade is perfectly flat. MEGATRON I'd crush you with my bare hands, but this feels more satisfying somehow. Megatron stalks off into the night. The camera settles on DEATH while the Werewolf sets about massacring the survivors and assorted emergency service types. Death talks over the screams, growls and gunshots. DEATH WELL BUGGER ME WITH A FISH FORK. I'D HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS COMING, (turns to camera) WOULD YOU? The camera pulls out to show Death was talking to another Death, DEATH II. DEATH II NO, I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE. DEATH WELL, THIS PROVES IT NOW MORE THEN EVER, DREW FANGTASTIC IS A THREAT TO THE WHOLE OF CAUSALITY. DEATH II HE MUST BE STOPPED. DEATH YES, AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR REALITY ANYMORE. I'D BETTER BE OFF TO ME WORLD, OTHERWISE WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED IN MY ABSENCE. DEATH II INDEED, I FEEL THANKS TO YOUR DREW FANGTASTIC, I'M GOING TO BE QUITE BUSY FOR THE NEXT HOUR. INT. TOMB OF LIBERACHE - in the normal reality, Drew arrives out of the vortex, and takes in his surroundings. He takes out the timer and starts working on it. He walks back and forth in front of a badly concealed hidden doorway in the tombs rear wall. DREW Dimension two forty two, don't go back to that one ever again. (he picks up a tape recorder and talks into it) Log Entry, Temporal Prediction Project Using Alternate Dimension with similar Timeline structures to this, latest attempt to judge viability of proposed plan have resulted in failure due to outside interference. I now plan to try to prevent those instances from occurring in this reality. Note to research team, hurry with up with development of time travel machine. I have a bad feeling we may need one. EXT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - Drew walks in and is greeted by Liam. LIAM Hey, Drew, good to see you. Listen, we found some people at a bar earlier tonight who claim they know you. DREW Oh, really? Who are they? LIAM Well, I'll let them introduce themselves, shall I? Two people walk in. RYMER Hey, Drew, long time no see, eh? ANNA Hey drew, listen I have some news for you. DREW You're a vampire now? ANNA How did you know that? DREW I've got my sources. (a beat, and then to self) Let's not get this lot killed, eh? LIAM Oh yeah, by the way, never got you asked, but weren't you supposed to be out for the past week? It's just Bippo and Thad saw you several times last Tuesday. Drew's brow furrows. A very bad thought crosses his mind. The other Drew must have been in this dimension while this Drew was away. DREW (V.O.) But, if I was in his dimension, and he was in mine, and events are playing out in a similar manner then- EXT. UPPDA CREEK - The camera pans away to a side street where it stops at the boots of a man. The camera travels up to reveal it's none other then MELCHETT himself, in the middle of spying on Drew and his friends. The camera pans away from Melchett, to the other corner of the same building, with another figure in the shadows. The Camera pans up the body to reveal the second DETERMINATOR from "THE DETERMINTOR", in the middle of obsessively hunting down Bippo. The camera pulls away from the Determinator, and up a building, pulling away to reveal a figure on top a building, with it's overcoat flapping madly in the wind. The camera cuts up close on the face of this observer, revealing it's none other then BLADE! The camera pans away again revealing Megatron behind another building, rubbing his hands. The camera pans away one more time, revealing their practically next to each other, all opposite UPPDA CREEK itself. A wormhole opens up nearby the cameras P.O.V. and DEATH gets out, takes a look at the collection of villains and Blade and sighs to himself. DEATH OH BUGGER IT! NOT AGAIN!!! FADE OUT: THE END Please Rate
"A Time to Die" Sucks >> >> >> Wonderful!

Results