The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.30 - "A Day in the Death of Decoy"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE CAPEMAN is sitting at a table looking over a stack of papers. DONNER enters looking a little annoyed DONNER Capeman, we gotta talk! CAPEMAN (looking at papers) Just a minute. DONNER What are you doing? CAPEMAN Going over applications for a new Decoy. DONNER Right. Listen, big guy you-- CAPEMAN Why do I do this? DONNER Do what? CAPEMAN Have a teenage sidekick? I mean, it's so stupid and pointless and only gets a bunch of innocent kids killed! He knocks over the papers. CAPEMAN Forget it! No more Decoys! From now on, I fly solo. DONNER But... The tax write offs! CAPEMAN Not worth it! DONNER All right, since we're on the topic of money, what's this I hear about you rescuing a little old lady from a housefire and not charging anything for it? CAPEMAN Come on, she was ninety-two and lost everything in the fire! What was I going to do, take her dentures? DONNER You'd be surprised how much those are worth! CAPEMAN It just seemed like the right thing to do. DONNER Just don't make a habit out of it. Ever since you got back from the South Pacific you've been acting weird. Capeman looks introspective. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: THE SOUTH PACIFIC Capeman and Decoy are having a picnic on an island when the MIR SPACE STATION falls out of the sky and lands on them obliterating everything in sight. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE As before. CAPEMAN I don't know what you're talking about. DONNER Something happened to you, didn't it? CAPEMAN What evidence do you have? DONNER Well, for one thing you have the word MIR stamped across your forehead. Capeman looks in a nearby mirror and sees the word MIR on his forehead spelled out in bruises. CAPEMAN Damn, that hurt. --- THEME SONG (Sung to the chorus of "American Pie") Oooo, Ooooo... this here Capeman dude, He likes money, kinda funny, and he's super rude, got hit by MIR with a big ka-boom, I hope this puts you in a good mood... Yeah, I hope this puts you in a good mood. OLE! --- INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER NIGHTFLYER and ULTRAWOMAN are on watch, sitting at a table and drinking tea with a stunning moon backdrop in the background. NIGHTFLYER ...so then he's all pleading and crying, "Oh, no Nightflyer! Don't kill me!" and it's just making me sick, you know? So I stomp on his head and he falls into the toxic pit of acids and corrosive chemicals. ULTRAWOMAN So he'd dead? NIGHTFLYER No... The chemicals and stuff bleached his skin white, turned his hair green, and drove him completely insane... But I have the feeling that he won't bother us anymore since he's locked up in the East Lee S. Capable Minimum Security Prison. ULTRAWOMAN And thank God for that. There is a hum behind them and CAPEMAN appears in a beam of light and stuff. CAPEMAN 'Sup? ULTRAWOMAN Capeman? How'd you get up here? CAPEMAN I used the Justice Squad transporters. ULTRAWOMAN But... But we have access codes! CAPEMAN Yes, I know and it wasn't easy to break them, no siree! I spent hours mentally decrypting the nuances of your codes... Meticulously breaking down the equations until... NIGHTFLYER You held down Captain Spaz and gave him an Indian burn until he gave you his code, didn't you? CAPEMAN (chuckling) Hee... His arm was on fire. WOO! That transporter is excellent! It makes me all tingly and excited. NIGHTFLYER Yes, I can tell by looking at your tights. Ultrawoman and Capeman look at him for a second and then turn back to the conversation. ULTRAWOMAN So, Capeman... What's with the MIR tatoo on your forehead? CAPEMAN Uh, Nightflyer... Would you excuse us? NIGHTFLYER Oh no you don't! Ultrawoman and I are part of the Justice Squad... A team! A team, I might add, you refused to join and a team who has a moon base watchtower that your shouldn't be on! I should dial 911 and report you for trespassing! ULTRAWOMAN Nightflyer, that reminds me... Did you tape the last episode of Will and Grace? NIGHTFLYER WILL!!! Nightflyer bolts out of the room. ULTRAWOMAN All right, Capeman. What do you want? And, let me just warn you that if you pull one sexual innuendo, one lewd remark, or one lecherous glance at my boobs, I'll throw your butt out the airlock faster that you can say, "But they look so yummy!" CAPEMAN Understood. ULTRAWOMAN Now, what is it? CAPEMAN I have a quite a hard problem that needs to be dealt with and I thought you could help me. ULTRAWOMAN All right, out you go. She grabs him by the cape and drags him to the airlock. CAPEMAN I mean hard as in DIFFICULT!!! ULTRAWOMAN Oh. She drops him. CAPEMAN Damn, girl! You told me that if I ever needed a friend to talk to that I could come to you. Granted, I thought at the time that you wanted to go diving down on my codpiece, but I think that this... What do you call it? "Talking" stuff might actually come in handy. ULTRAWOMAN You have a problem? CAPEMAN Mir landed on me, right? Well, I'm nigh invulnerable so it don't bother my ass none except for this damn imprint on my forehead. However, Decoy was out there with me and he was pretty much squashed to a pulp. ULTRAWOMAN No surprise so far. CAPEMAN Well, anyway... I've got this problem now where I can't stop thinking about what a bad thing it was that happened to Decoy, what with him being killed and all. I can't sleep, I can't eat... Hell, even the reckless acquisition of material goods doesn't satisfy this feeling. What is it? ULTRAWOMAN It's called guilt, Capeman. CAPEMAN Is THAT what it is? ULTRAWOMAN Yep. CAPEMAN Wow, guilt sucks. ULTRAWOMAN This isn't like you, Capeman. You know, to give a second thought about the suffering of others. Hell, with those strange unknown powers you've been exhibiting over the last year plus the blunt head trauma you received when MIR fell on you, you might even be developing an honest to god conscience. CAPEMAN You think? ULTRAWOMAN Life is full of surprises. Question is, what are you going to do about it? CAPEMAN Well, I don't know... I've never had a conscience or guilt before. I guess I could replace Decoy with another sidekick, but that would be wrong. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman! You just demonstrated a sense of morality! CAPEMAN Sweet Lord, what's HAPPENING to me!? Ultrawoman leans over, puts her head on her hands and smiles. ULTRAWOMAN I don't know, but I like it. So, what are you going to do about Decoy number 56... Or is it 57? I've lost count. CAPEMAN No more Decoys. I've made it perfectly clear to Donner that I'm a lone wolf now like that freak who dresses like a bat and that guy who has the fetish for spiders. I think he understands that this is the best way to go. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Donner is walking back and forth in front of Liam, Stacy, Bippo, and Thad. DONNER I don't understand! This is NOT the best way to go! LIAM Oh, what are you griping about? You don't make any money off of Decoy... Just Capeman! DONNER Yeah, but Decoy makes the Capeman name popular in younger and Asian markets. Plus, he's a tax write off, and the whole killing of sidekicks cleanses the world of some of those disgusting little orphans! LIAM HEY! STACY So, you'll make a little less money... Oh, boo hoo let's all feel sorry for Donner. Would you like a sympathy card? DONNER SEE!? SOMEONE is finally seeing things my way! STACY Donner, do me a favor. Get out the dictionary and look up the word "sarcasm". DONNER I can't do that, cheese-tits. Not when my financial future is at stake! THAD Don, can I ask you a question? You're one of those kind of people who dump all of their money in the floor and roll around in it, aren't you? Donner gives Thad a grin and a smirk. DONNER I bathe in it. Liam gets up and puts his arm around Donner's shoulder. LIAM Donner, maybe you should think of this as one of those moments when life gives you lemons and you make lemonade. DONNER How will lemonade make me more money? LIAM No, no, no... You're not understanding. All I'm saying is that you take your lose and make it a gain. Donner takes Liam's arm off from around his shoulder. DONNER Okay, that was the single most stupidest thing I've ever heard! I mean, you expect me to make a profit because some lame-brained costumed jackass decided that he doesn't want a teen side-kick anymore? That's just... (a beat, his eyes light up) ...a great idea! LIAM Thanks! DONNER No, not you... Your idea still sucks. COSTUMES!!! THAD I think his train of thought just derailed. DONNER Then listen and learn, Buck Bundy. I may not have Decoy anymore, but I own all rights to his image! STACY I don't like where this is going. DONNER So, I sell the DECOY COSTUME and, if a little bright-eyed adolescent wants to don the costume and fight crime... Can I stop him? STACY WHAT!? You're going to get more kids killed like the first four dozen Decoys! BIPPO Bastard! How do you sleep at night? DONNER On a huge pile of money with many beautiful women. BIPPO Just asking. INT. CAPEMAN'S PENTHOUSE Capeman is standing in front of a mirror looking at his face. His mask is sitting on the table next to him and Capeman is blocking the reflection from the camera. There is a knock at the door. CAPEMAN Just a minute. Capeman grabs the mask, puts it on, turns towards the camera and goes to the door and opens it. Standing there is DECOY XII. DECOY XII Hi! Capeman slams the door. CAPEMAN Egad! Decoy has come back from the grave to torment me for leading him to an early grave! Capeman looks to his left and sees Decoy standing there. DECOY XII No I'm not, silly! I'm here because I want to be the new Decoy! Capeman looks at him. CAPEMAN How did you get in here!? No, nevermind... I don't want to know. Beat it kid. Decoy's dead. Capeman shoves him out the door and slams it. He turns around and Decoy is standing behind him again. DECOY XII Why not? CAPEMAN GAH! Because I said so! AM-SRCAY! Capeman shoves him out the door again, slams it, then turns around and sees Decoy there again. DECOY XII But I really wanna! CAPEMAN OY GAVOLT! WHAT ARE YOU, A WARNER BROTHER!? DECOY XII Pleeeeeeease? CAPEMAN No, negative, negatory, no way, nuh uh, no-how! DECOY XII But it's been my dream ever since I saw the commercial. CAPEMAN What commercial? Decoy points to a nearby TV playing the commercial. DECOY XII THAT commercial. Awful convenient, ain't it? Capeman walks over to the TV and stares in disbelief. DONNER (on TV) Hey kids! Now YOU can be Capeman's sidekick, Decoy, with one of Donco's new DECOY COSTUMES! This costume, built from the most flammable material available is a sure ticket to a life of heroics! Did I say flammable? I meant fashionable. Capeman pounds the top of the TV turning it into a pile of smashed glass and circuits. CAPEMAN BASTARD! I loose more TV's that way! (to Decoy) During the first season of Survivor I went through twelve sets! I can't BELIEVE Jenna was voted off! Well, we have to do something about this, Decoy! DECOY XII Great! I hear that the "Sorry About DIVX" sale is still going on at Circuit City! CAPEMAN NO! I mean you! We have to get rid of you and all of the other prepubescent nimrods out there pretending to be Decoy and we have to start at the source... DONNER!!! DECOY XII I'll meet you there in the DECOYMOBILE!!! Decoy runs to the wall, grabs a fireman's pole, and slides down. CAPEMAN No, not... DAMN! Well, joke's on him. This is the top floor of a fifty story building and that pole goes ALL the way to the bottom. Stupid twerp. INT. THE POLE SHAFT Decoy slides down the pole doing at least a hundred and sixty. His hands are on fire and he's screaming in pain. EXT. MGM GRAND We see a door. There is the sound of a body hitting the ground hard. DECOY XII OW, my SPINE! The door opens and Decoy hobbles out. He looks at his burned and smoking hands. DECOY XII Well, at least the fires went out. Decoy bursts into flames and dies. The camera pans over to the DECOYMOBILE. Suddenly, another costumed youngster, DECOY XII enters frame. DECOY XIII At last, the false Decoy is eliminated and I, the true Decoy can assist Capeman in his fight for truth, justice, and the American Way... Because, let's face it... Other countries suck. Decoy XIII gets in the Decoymobile. DECOY XIII Let's see, this locator says that Capeman is traveling down the strip at Mach 5 heading towards an apartment complex near Circus Circus. I'M THERE!!! Decoy fires up the Decoymobile and pulls into traffic. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP - THE LUXOR A sign outside reads EMENIM IN CONCERT! A group of picketers from Women's Organizations and Gay Rights Groups and Limp Biskit fans are marching in front of the building. WOMEN'S LIB CHICK DOWN WITH LYRICS THAT DEGRADE WOMEN! GAY RIGHTS GUY DOWN WITH LYRICS THAT PROMOTE VIOLENCE AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS! LIMP BISKIT FAN EMENIM'S A PUSSY!!! Suddenly, there is a soft bass thumping heard. This catches the crowds attention. WOMEN'S LIB CHICK What the HELL is that!? A little ways down the street, the Decoymobile is approaching blasting Emenim out the loudspeakers. DECOY XIII (singing along) Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand... He looks out the window and sees the angry mob glaring in at him fogging up his glass. DECOY XIII What up, beeotch? GAY RIGHTS GUY GET HIM! LIMP BISKIT FAN RIP HIS BALLS OFF!!! WOMEN'S LIB CHICK SAVE THE HEAD FOR ME! DECOY XIII Aw, this is whack! The angry mob pulls Decoy XIII from his car and pull him apart limb from limp. Behind them, EMENIM enters and looks around. EMENIM Yo, what up wit' dis? Looks like a wicked bad mob of bloodthirsty bitches. Guess it's time for me to make debut as a crimfightin' mo-fo! Emenim jumps into a phonebooth and immediately leaps back out in a Decoy costume. EMENIM Check mah slick ass out! Emenim/Decoy runs past the bloodthirsty mob to the Decoymobile and gets in. He looks at the EMENIM Check it out, yo. Looks like the mac dad Capeman is around that Upda Creek apartment dump. Decoy is on dah case, BOY! Suddenly, a cyborg THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD grabs the Decoymobile and yanks Emenim out of the front seat. THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD SO, DECOY! WE MEET AGAIN! FUNNY, I COULD HAVE SWORN I KILLED YOU DURING OUR LAST BATTLE! EMENIM Yo, chill man! Just chill! Look! Emenim takes off the mask. EMENIM I'm not really Decoy, yo! I'm Emenim! THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Emenim? Oh, god! I'm a big fan! EMENIM That's good to hear. THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD So, you can imagine the irony of your death at my hands since I was driven to violence by your own lyrics. EMENIM I guess my mom was right. God DOES hate me! THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Will the real Slim Shady PLEASE shut up!? The Six Billion Dollar Bastard grabs Emenim by the feet and flails him repeatedly on the pavement until he's a broken pile of flesh. Off in the distance, DECOY XIV gets into the Decoymobile and takes off. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Decoy XIV is driving down the strip. DECOY XIV At last! My chance to prove myself as Decoy, sidekick to the great CAPEMAN! A carload of carjackers pull up next to him. CARJACKER #1 Excuse me, would you mind so terribly surrendering your vehicle to us? DECOY XIV What!? Is this a carjack? CARJACKER #2 Yes, it is a car but my name is not Jack, it's Fred Duprey. CARJACKER #1 You idiot! You just said your name to him! CARJACKER #2 Sorry, Carl Ledoux. CARJACKER #1 ARG! Okay, enough of this! Let's just steal his car, kill him, and be back at the lodge for tea and biscuits. CARJACKER #2 I don't like tea. CARJACKER #1 Okay, forget the tea. CARJACKER #2 Can we have cocoa CARJACKER #1 You know how you are when your on sugar. CARJACKER #2 You just can't let that go, can you? CARJACKER #1 Fred... CARJACKER #2 One time... ONE TIME I overdosed on sugar and ended up in bed with Cousin Bob. CARJACKER #1 Look, enough of this! Let's just steal this car, kill this costumed buffoon and have our tea! CARJACKER #2 Coffee. CARJACKER #1 Fine. CARJACKER #2 Right. CARJACKER #1 Well, let's do it then. They look only to find that Decoy XIV has driven off. CARJACKER #2 Hey! CARJACKER #1 He buggered off! CARJACKER #2 Bastard! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Decoy XIV is driving down the road. DECOY XIV Boy, that was close! For a second there I thought that I might be... ARGH!!! A white tiger leaps into the car, grabs Decoy XIV by the neck and kills him. The tiger then drags the body to a grassy area and buries it. SIEGFRIED and ROY enter. SIEGFRIED Shnopsey! Chew bad kitty! ROY Mommy and Daddy vere vorried about chew! SIEGFRIED Come vit Mommy, kitty! Siegfried and Roy walk the Tiger back to the Mirage. Another Decoy, DECOY XV gets into the Decoymobile. DECOY XV ON TO HELP CAPEMAN!!! But I can't do it in a car this nasty! It's bloody, but nothing that a little elbow grease and an industrial shop vac couldn't fix! Ah, there's a car wash. Decoy XV pulls into the car wash. An ATTENDANT comes out to greet him. ATTENDANT What's your pleasure, mate? DECOY XV A car wash please, my good man. ATTENDANT It's a self cleaning car wash, sir. You just drive through and keep your windows rolled up. DECOY XV Of course! Thank you, lowly car wash guy! Decoy drives into the car wash. Water is sprayed on the car. DECOY XV Oops! Looks like I forgot to roll up the windows as that smelly attendant suggested! He tries to roll up the window, but it's stuck. DECOY XV Stuck! Blast! More water is sprayed into the car. The water level in the cabin begins to rise and overtake the little hero. DECOY XV Water.. Rising! Can't hold out much longer! I'll... Never let GO, Rose!!! NEVER!!! !!! Blub.. Blub... Blub... EXT. THE CAR WASH The decoymobile rolls out. The cabin is full of water and the drowned Decoy bobs peacefully in the water. The attendant. ATTENDANT I tried warning him, but he was too headstrong to listen. WHEN, GOD!? WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN TO ROLL UP THEIR WINDOWS!? THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK! He stands there for a second, then opens the door. Decoy's body falls out with the torrent of water. The attendant puts one of those little pine air fresheners on the rear view mirror. The next Decoy on the chopping block, DECOY XVI pushes past him and gets inside. He throws the attendant a twenty and takes off. INT. THE DECOYMOBILE Decoy XVI is driving along when suddenly, his face begins to swell and turn purple. He looks at the pine scented air freshener. DECOY XVI Dammit... I'm... Allergic... To... PINE! Decoy slumps over dead. Another Decoy, DECOY XVII pushes the body out of the way and begins to drive. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS The Decoymobile pulls up out front. Decoy XVII gets out. DECOY XVII Don't worry, Capeman! DECOY IS HERE!!! Decoy runs across the street and is hit by a bus. Out of the bus, DECOY XVIII gets out. DECOY XVIII Never fear! Decoy is- ACK! The bus door closes catching the back of Decoy XVIII's cape. The bus takes off dragging the broken body of Decoy XVIII behind it. A taxi cab rolls up and DECOY XIX gets out. DECOY XIX Never fear, Decoy is here! Suddenly Decoy XIX is attacked by a swarm of bees who sting him to death. Decoy XX enters from above on an umbrella like Mary Poppins. DECOY XX Decoy is he-... Oh crap. A gust of wind sends Decoy XX into some power lines. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS DECOY XXI is standing on the sidewalk. DECOY XXI Decoy is here! The electrocuted body of Decoy XX falls on Decoy XXI, killing him. Decoy XXII steps over the two bodies and actually makes it inside the building. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY PROFESSOR ARTURO is sitting at his desk doing a crossword puzzle. Decoy XXI runs up to him. DECOY XXI Excuse me, citizen... But could you tell me where I may find apartment 1-A? ARTURO (not looking up) Upstairs... First door on the right. Say, I'm in a conundrum. Could you tell me the name of an alternative singer? Five words and the second is "J"? Unseen to Arturo, a knife is jabbed into Decoy XXI's chest. DECOY XXI BJORK! ARTURO (not looking up) Ah, thank you. Decoy XXI falls out of frame and the camera focuses on the attacker. It is DECOY XXII. DECOY XXII Hey, no problem. INT. THE HALLWAY Decoy XXII walks down the hall. DECOY XXII So many doors... Maybe this is the right one. The door opens to reveal CHOCOLATE TREAT CHOCOLATE TREAT Well, well, well... Looks like my little love slave of the hour has arrived! C'MERE!!! DECOY XXII GAH! Chocolate Treat grabs Decoy XXII by the head and pulls him inside. His shrill screams echo through the halls as DECOY XXIII enters and walks to Liam's door. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Donner and Capeman are arguing as Liam looks on. DONNER Look, I don't know what your so pissed off about! I didn't get you a new sidekick! Your sidekick chose you! How can I be responsible!? CAPEMAN Because I'M responsible for all these kids now! These new things I'm feeling... That... Uh... Morality thing... It isn't letting me get away with it anymore! Why, I can actually imagine what those little Decoys went through! LIAM Hey, that's empathy! CAPEMAN SH-(BLEEP!)-T! What's happening to me!? DONNER Oh will you relax with that, uh... What do you call it? CAPEMAN Compassion? DONNER Yeah, would you stop it with that compassion stuff? It's really gay and making me sick! Besides, for all you know this new Decoy may actually be a real honest to god superhero sidekick who WON'T get killed! CAPEMAN Please! He hasn't gotten here yet! I'm sure he's ALREADY dead or something! Decoy XXIII enters. DECOY XXIII Never fear, Decoy is... CAPEMAN DECOY!!! YOU MADE IT! DECOY XXIII Yeah, I did. CAPEMAN Good lord, it appears that Donner was right. DONNER (shruggs) It happens. CAPEMAN Decoy, you've proven your worth to me by making it across Las Vegas and, what's more, Las Vegas at rush hour. DECOY XVIII Uh... It was nothing? CAPEMAN Good to hear that. (to Donner) Now, I'm warning you Donner... Your meddling paid off this time, but I won't tolerate your interference much longer. CAPEMAN I don't know why, but I'm quickly developing a new sense of self and duty and I won't... DONNER Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Oh, look at me! I'm Capeman! Blah, nyah, nyah, nyah! CAPEMAN STOP THAT! Decoy, let's go! Capeman and Decoy stomp out of the room. LIAM It's odd, but I feel a little under used today. ELVIS sticks his head into the room. ELVIS HAH! Welcome to my world! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Trash men have just finished putting the last of the slain Decoys into their garbage trucks and are driving away as Capeman and Decoy exit. CAPEMAN This is going to be great, Decoy... From now on with this... Uh... Compassion and morality stuff I've been getting, I plan on making the world a better place. DECOY XXIII So you're giving up materialism for good? CAPEMAN Tuh! As if! No, young Decoy... I'm still very much mired in monetary matters. An arrow flies through the air and nails Decoy in the head. In the background, Genna Davis is practicing archery. GENNA DAVIS Sorry! My bad! CAPEMAN Huh? Another Decoy, DECOY XXIV falls in step beside Capeman before he notices. DECOY XXIV I didn't say anything. CAPEMAN Must have been my imagination. FADE OUT: THE END ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
"A Day in the Death of Decoy" Sucks >> >> >> Wonderful!

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