THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.32 - "The Manchurian Werewolf"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. A TEMPLE Several hooded figures sit around a triangular table. One of them stands and unhoods. This is DOOGAN, an imposing man in his mid-twenties with piercing yellow eyes. DOOGAN Friends, family, and people who know people I know. Welcome. I am Doogan Kessler, leader of the Apache Pack in the Western United States. Before we get down to business, I would like to welcome those representatives from packs all over the world. First, the Tsang Pack from Japan, a pleasure to have you here. You honor us. Two hooded Asian men nod in acklowledgement DOOGAN Welcome to the Watumbi Pack from the Congo. A man and a woman in African Tribal gear nod in acknowledgement DOOGAN And finally, to the Jefferson Pack who recently moved on up to the East Side to finally get a piece of the pie. GEORGE and WHEEZY JEFFERSON nod in acknowledgement. DOOGAN Now, to business. As you know, we still haven't caught the rouge in Nevada who has been responsible for at least five transformations. Although we have tracked down four of it's victims, the fifth has eluded us. At least until now. Doogan goes over to a slide projector and turns it on. A picture of THAD COFFEY comes up. DOOGAN This is Thad Coffey and, after going through some confidential police records we found in a dumpster, we believe he is the fifth. Doogan clicks to the next slide. An upside-down picture of Upda Creek Apartments appears. DOOGAN This is Mr. Coffey's domicile, we think that... He sees that the picture is upside-down. DOOGAN Oh, darn. Well, you get the idea. Doogan clicks to the next slide. For some reason, it is a picture of a Walrus. DOOGAN This is... Doogan sees it. DOOGAN What the? Doogan clicks to the next slide, a picture of Cindy Margolis in a skimpy bikini. DOOGAN How'd that get in there? Doogan clicks over and over again, only bringing up more bizarre pictures like puppies, Hubble pictures, Al Bundy, and Moose. Doogan gets peeved, shuts off the projector, and throws it against the opposite wall. DOOGAN Okay, screw that. Listen, this Thad Coffey is the last rouge werewolf in the world who hasn't been incorporated into a pack. HOODED WOMAN He is only a boy. DOOGAN But the is powerful. HOODED MAN If he can be turned, he would make a powerful ally. DOOGAN (smiles) Yes... Yes... Can it be done? HOODED WOMAN He will join us or die, master. DOOGAN Okay, we have SO got to lay off the Star Wars. FADE OUT: ---- THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons") Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Show! It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net! No networks would touch this thing, and that is a real sure bet! Don't you go and get depressed! An internet show's more fun! A lot of what you see is up to you, Just use your imagination! Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow! OLÉ! ------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Also Starring

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

and
David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"

Guest Starring

Skeet Ulrich
as
"Doogan"

and
Kathy Ireland
as
"Jasmine" ---- INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY PROFESSOR ARTURO is working quietly at his desk when THAD, BIPPO, and LIAM enters. Their clothing is shredded and their bodies black with burns and scorch marks. ARTURO (not looking up) So, how did that fire-breathing dragon thing go? LIAM Better than expected. The whole thing didn't seem so hard once shock set in and we didn't feel pain anymore. ARTURO But the fire-breathing dragon has been dealt with? THAD Yeah, Bippo sprayed some seltzer down it's throat and that took care of it's fire-breathing. After that, it became as gentle and meek as a kitten. ARTURO And then what happened? LIAM Bippo took it to the animal shelter. Right, Bippo? BIPPO Er, right... Listen, I have something in my car. I'll be back after everyone has left and there are no witnesses. Bippo makes a hasty departure. ARTURO Ah, if I only had a nickel for every time I heard him say that. LIAM I'm going to go up and take a bath in pure aloe. You? THAD Nah, being a werewolf and all I regenerate rapidly. See? My index and middle fingers have already grown back. LIAM Aw, you suck! Liam goes upstairs. Thad walks over to the mailbox and gets his mail. He leafs through the letters. THAD Score! I may already be a millionaire Hum... I may already be a father... Second notice... Third notice... We're coming to break your thumbs... I Know What you Did Last Summer... One letter catches his attention. THAD Hmm, one from something called the Brotherhood of the Pack. He opens it and reads. THAD Hmmm... Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada... ARTURO What's it say? THAD I haven't started reading yet. I just like looking at words and saying, "yada, yada, yada". He reads. THAD "Dear Mister Coffey, we represent the Brotherhood of the Pack, an Organization of were-creatures and other sufferers of lycanthropy. One of our associates will be visiting you shortly to discuss your includement into our group." (a beat) How interesting. ARTURO Sounds fishy to me, my boy. I don't think that "includement" is really a word. THAD Well, poor grammar aside, I've always felt an instinct to belong to a group... Maybe it's just my inner cub telling me that it's time to join a pack and be with my own kind. ARTURO Or pier pressure since you've demonstrated time and time again that you have no spine when it comes to group mentality. THAD Hey, that's not true! Who else said that? If there's more than three, maybe there IS a nugget of truth to it... TELL ME WHO IS WITH YOU!!! ARTURO (sigh) I suppose that the instinct for most dumb animals to congregate should apply to you. THAD Which part? The congregation part or the dumb part? ARTURO The former and the ladder can both be germane. A beat. THAD Was that a compliment or an insult? ARTURO An insult. THAD I've never been so insulted in my life! GOOD DAY, SIR! Thad marches out the door. ARTURO That's the closet, Thad. THAD I'm just getting my coat. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY Thad is walking down the hallway reading the letter when, unknown to him, DREW FANGTASTIC falls into step next to him. DREW Thad. THAD GAH! Thad jumps. THAD DON'T DO THAT!!! DREW Can we talk? THAD You're not going to hit me, are you? DREW No. THAD Kick me? DREW No. THAD Bite me? Scratch me? Slap me? Pound me? Knee my groin? DREW No. No. No. No. Only if you really irritate me. THAD What then? DREW I call a truce. THAD You do? What do you want? DREW The brotherhood of the pack sent you a letter. I feel it's my duty as a friend... No, not a friend, as an acquaintance... No, let's say it's my duty as a fellow supernatural abomination who happens to have not killed you yet to warn you to stay away from them. The Brotherhood is bad news. THAD A warning for my own good from the same guy who's threatened to disembowel me someday and let the vultures feast on my innards? DREW It was said with a smile. THAD Look, fang-face, thanks but no thanks. For some reason - and I don't know what that reason is - I just don't trust you. DREW Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. Truce is off, dogboy, I'll see you in hell... Hopefully with me on Earth looking down through a pit or something. THAD Drew. Drew stops and looks back. THAD Why do you hate me so much? Drew thinks about that. DREW I guess I could argue semantics about the way that werewolves and vampires have always been enemies and it's just my natural instincts and all, but when you get right down to it... (a beat) ...something about you just pisses me off. Drew walks away. THAD Oh. INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad enters still reading the letter. THAD "A representative will be sent shortly". I wonder when that will be. Thad looks up and sees Doogan standing in his apartment. THAD GAH! Thad jumps. THAD What is WITH people today? Who the HELL are you!? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? DOOGAN A heart attack? Please, the only way I could give YOU a heart attack was if I stabbed a silver bladed knife through your chest. THAD Really? Well, screw the low cholesterol diet then! Who are you? DOOGAN Doogan Kessler. I wrote you the letter. THAD You're the representative from the Brotherhood of the Pack? DOOGAN I am. THAD I'm Thad... DOOGAN ...Coffey. Yes, I know all about you, brother. THAD Brother? So, you're a werewolf too? DOOGAN Everyone in the pack is a werewolf or were-creature. THAD That's so cool! So, what's the brotherhood like? I mean, is it like the Shriners or like the frats in Animal House where they put on Togas and drink all day coming up with schemes to get even with Dean Richmond? Oooo... I HATE than guy. DOOGAN Uh... No, basically we're a black ops organization who pull the strings on everything. Money, real estate, politics. We influence it for our advantage. THAD Get out of here! DOOGAN It's true. We even rigged Oscar night. THAD I was wondering how the hell Gladiator won! DOOGAN Ridley Scott is actually a member of the Brotherhood. THAD Wow! If that's true, why did Hannibal suck so much? DOOGAN There are limits to our influence, son. THAD Neat. DOOGAN Fascinating, isn't it? I have so much to show you, Thad Coffey. So much for you to see and learn. Would you like to come with me to our headquarters? THAD Gee... I don't know. I'm so nervous. Can I bring a guest? DOOGAN A guest? No, that's a definite no no. No non-werewolves allowed. THAD (nervously) Oh, he's a werewolf! DOOGAN Well, that's different. Who is your little friend? INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Thad bursts in. Liam is sitting on the couch with bandages down his arms and an ice pack on his head. THAD Liam, guess where we're going! LIAM The hospital? I think that my burns are starting to smell like rotten meat. THAD Actually, we're going to the headquarters of the Brotherhood of the Pack, an organization dedicated to the positive promotion of the werewolf. LIAM Sounds great. Have they got any antiseptic? THAD The leader of the pack will be here in a few seconds. Oh, by the by, in case anyone asks, you're a werewolf because I bit you and if any of the pack finds out you're not, they're going to tear you limb from limb and eat you. LIAM What? Doogan enters. DOOGAN Ah, so this is your little wolf spawn. Thad puts an arm around Liam who shutters. THAD Yep, this is my little wolf-spawn. A Hundred percent all American werewolf. Just look at him! Isn't he ferocious! Thad squeezes Liam's cheeks showing Doogan his teeth. DOOGAN Looks like he couldn't intimidate a kitten. (to Liam) Are you SURE you're a werewolf? LIAM (nervously) I-I-I-I am. DOOGAN What's that rotting flesh smell? LIAM I was... THAD It was the last poor unsuspecting dolt he ate. Man, it was ugly! DOOGAN Well, all right. He can come. Van's parked out front, I'll meet you there. Doogan leaves. Liam spins around and looks at Thad. LIAM What is WRONG with you!? I'm no werewolf! Why did you lie like that!? THAD I don't know! I'm so nervous! I mean, a werewolf pack actually wants to make me a member! I just didn't want to go alone! LIAM Well, why didn't you ask Bippo? He gets off on risking his life stupidly! THAD I would have, but he's locked himself in his apartment and won't come out. I wonder what he's doing in there. INT. BIPPO'S APARTMENT Bippo is standing in the center of the room looking at something off camera (obviously, it's the dragon from the beginning of the episode). The dragon is off camera and is constantly growling a deep growl. BIPPO Whew! I never thought I'd sneak you in, little fella. Wow, my very own pet. I shall give you a name that will inspire instantaneous fear in my enemies. (a pause) How does "Fifi" sound to you? The dragon roars off camera. BIPPO Hey! Hey! HEY! Get off the couch! (a beat) Get OFF the couch! (a beat) Okay, fine. Bippo rolls up a newspaper and walks off camera towards the dragon. BIPPO Just remember, you bring this on yourself. We hear several light WHAPS from the newspaper. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT As before LIAM Are you sure that they won't find out I'm a werewolf? THAD Relatively sure. Come on, Liam! I don't want to go by myself! If you're a real friend you'd do this! LIAM I... Don't know. Thad looks at Liam pathetically. LIAM Stop that. Thad's lower lip begins to quiver. LIAM I said stop it! Thad continues. LIAM Not with the face, Thad! NO! It's not going to work this time AND I MEAN IT!!! INT. A TEMPLE Liam gets up in front of the Brotherhood. LIAM (rolls eyes) Hi, I'm Liam Smith and I'm a werewolf. BROTHERHOOD Hi, Liam. Liam sits. Doogan stands. DOOGAN As alpha male of the Brotherhood, I'd like to thank our new members. Doogan motions to Liam and Thad. Thad giggles and waves while Liam rests his head on the table, his hands covering his head. DOOGAN We will now adjourn to partake of refreshments of milkbone and toilet water as we get to know our new brothers. Remember to stay off the furniture, and if you have to go... Go on the newspapers. The brotherhood rises and begins talking to each other. Thad immediately goes to the group and begins chatting. Liam stays put. A beautiful woman, Jasmine, walks up to him. JASMINE Hi. Not much for crowds are you? Liam looks up. LIAM Not particularly, no. (to himself) Especially if there's the possibility of the crowd devouring you. JASMINE What? LIAM I said I'm shy. JASMINE Oh, me too. You would have thought being a werewolf would have changed all that, but even now I'm terrible with groups. Have you noticed the same thing? LIAM Yeah, pretty much. JASMINE How long have you been a werewolf? LIAM Me? Oh... Uh... Well, I only found out about it recently. JASMINE That's great. Listen, would you like to mate? LIAM Yeah, I guess I have a minute and... (shocked) Whoa, Whoa, WHOA! What did you just say? JASMINE Mate. You know, have sex? LIAM Awfully forward, aren't you? JASMINE Well, that's the way werewolves are. We're a very sexual lot. You'll discover that soon. So, what do you say? LIAM I would, but... Well... I'm engaged to be married in a month. JASMINE (disappointed) You are? Oh, darn. LIAM Look, it's not like I don't find you attractive or anything, but... JASMINE Oh, I understand. Werewolves, like regular wolves, mate for life. LIAM Whew! Dodged that one, huh? JASMINE What? LIAM I said I'm sorry. JASMINE So, tell me about your mate. What's she like and, most importantly, where does she live? INT. A TEMPLE - ANOTHER ANGLE Thad is talking to Doogan and several other members of the brotherhood. THAD No kidding! She was a wolf who'd turn into a woman everytime the moon would rise. DOOGAN It's not something you see everyday, but it's not anything new. Sounds like another victim of our rouge. THAD Your what? DOOGAN Rouge. That's what we're calling the werewolf going around and transforming humans without authorization. THAD Authorization? DOOGAN Yes, you see... Werewolves are very select about who we transform. They must be strong and noble, but lately, there's been one werewolf in the western United States who's been turning people apparently for no reason at all. THAD And he's the one who bit me. If it hadn't been for that bastard, I might have gone on to lead a normal life! DOOGAN Actually, you would have been killed and devoured. THAD Oh. DOOGAN Speaking of which, anyone want to hear about my latest kill? The members of the brotherhood answer affirmatively as Thad just stands there uncomfortably. DOOGAN I scored a couple of fat hikers from the Jenny Craig camp last week. Man, they were SO marbled! BROTHERHOOD #1 Oh, that's nothing! I stalked and killed three door to door salesmen. Amway won't know what hit 'em! Everyone laughs. BROTHERHOOD #2 Guys, I decapitated a couple of nuns yesterday. They ran actually ran around a few minutes with blood squirting out of their necks. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen! DOOGAN What about you, Thad? THAD What about me? DOOGAN Well, tell us about your last kill! BROTHERHOOD #1 Yeah, entertain us, green horn! THAD Last kill? Let's see, I... Well, back when I was first transformed I ate a bunch of hookers and my landlord and I accidentally ate my parents once, but... Uh... Well, actually, I've never killed anyone on purpose. BROTHERHOOD #2 WHAT!? DOOGAN That's unheard of! BROTHERHOOD #1 Good God, what sort of a werewolf are you!? DOOGAN You offend the wolf-god! THAD Who? DOOGAN The wolf-god! The entity that first gave birth to the weres over a five millennia ago! But, wait... You haven't read the sacred book yet. Here, let me give you a copy. Doogan goes over to a nearby bookshelf and comes back with a large hardcover book bound in human skin. DOOGAN Read this. Thad takes the book and leafs through it. THAD Got anything with smaller words? Doogan sighs and hands him "LYCANTHROPY FOR DUMMIES". DOOGAN Better? THAD Much! DOOGAN Uck! I still can't believe that you haven't killed for the fun of it! The thought is... Unthinkable. How do you do it? THAD Well, it's just wrong. Everyone stares at him. THAD ...to kill. You know? DOOGAN What sort of a werewolf are you? You hang around with humans and don't feast on them... Are you a vegetarian? THAD No! Listen, I don't like killing people, all right? DOOGAN Do you have a soft-spot for humans? THAD I guess you could say that. DOOGAN Oh, that's cute. THAD Thanks. DOOGAN And that's singularly the most PATHETIC thing I've ever heard! For the wolf-god's sake, Coffey! We're werewolves! We're better than humans are and, by right, we kill and eat them! Get with the program, son! It's nature, Buckko! THAD Doogan, I'm not going to change. DOOGAN Then you're the most disappointing member we've ever inducted! THAD Now YOU listen to me! I was human once and I'm willing to bet that a lot of you were too! Just because I've become something else doesn't automatically mean I'm better than they are! In fact, most of my best friends are human like Liam over there! The brotherhood all turn to Liam and growl. DOOGAN Human? THAD Aw, crap. DOOGAN You brought a HUMAN to our temple? LIAM Hey over there! My ears are burning! DOOGAN Shut up, human! LIAM No seriously! These blisters are killing me! DOOGAN Oh, I wouldn't worry about your BLISTERS killing you, human! I'd worry about US first! Liam looks at Thad. LIAM THAD! THAD Sorry, it just slipped out in conversation. The brotherhood begins to transform. LIAM THAD, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!! DO SOMETHING!!! Thad grabs Liam and ruins towards the window. LIAM THAD!!! WE'RE ON THE FOURTH STORY!!! Too late, Thad and Liam crash out the window. EXT. A TEMPLE Liam and Thad burst out of the window and tumble to the ground with an audible thud. EXT. A TEMPLE - THE GROUND Thad is lying on top of Liam. LIAM (weakly) Thaaaaaaaaaad? THAD I'm all right, Liam. You broke my fall. Come on! Thad grabs Liam by the arm and drags him to the van. THAD You drive! I left my license at home! INT. THE VAN Liam get's shoved into the driver's seat and Thad goes to the passenger seat. THAD GO! GO! GO! LIAM DON'T PRESSURE ME!!! I'M NO GOOD AT STICK! With Liam grinding the gears, the van slowly begins to move. THAD Whew! We're home free! THUD! Something lands on the roof. THAD Gee, I wonder what that was? Thad sticks his head out the window to look. Two great-big harry hands reach down, grabs him by the head, and drags him up to the roof. LIAM My guess? A Werewolf. EXT. THE TOP OF THE VAN As the van zooms down the road, a gigantic werewolf has hoisted Thad onto the roof. Thad struggles to reach his werewolf patch, but can't reach it. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Don't bother reaching your werewolf patch, Coffey! It won't do you any good. THAD Doogan? That you? DOOGAN/WEREWOLF No, it's your fairy godmother. THAD Wait a minute! You're not a brainless killing machine! How come you can talk and stuff? DOOGAN/WEREWOLF I told you, Coffey, there are things you don't understand about being a werewolf. Things I can show you if you join us. THAD But... DOOGAN/WEREWOLF No buts! You either join us or die. THAD Fine, I'll join! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Then kill your human friend! THAD Never! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Fine then. Doogan/Werewolf takes Thad by the neck and trusts him down. Hovering over him, he unsheathes a silver blade. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Sorry, son, but this is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. THAD WAIT A MINUTE!!! TIME OUT!!! TIME OUT!!! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Oh, WHAT NOW!!!?? THAD That's the second time you've called me son! Come on, we're almost the same age and, if anything, I'm older than you! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF True, Thad, but none the less... I am your FATHER!!! THAD Bah? Music sting. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Well, I'm sort of technically your father. I bit you and made you a werewolf. THAD YOU'RE the rouge? Why? DOOGAN/WEREWOLF We need recruits for the coming war between the werewolves and vampires and the Brotherhood was being too selective... Too slow! THAD WAR? DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Yes, the war prophesied in the Werewolf Bible... Er, I mean "LYCANTHROPY for Dummies"! NOW, YOU WILL DIE!!! THAD Whoa! Whoa! WAIT A MINUTE! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF WHAT NOW!? THAD You're supposed to explain everything to me! It's like a villains code or something. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Son of a... (beat) All right, all right.... Here's the Readers Digest version. There's a prophesied war coming between werewolves and vampires and right now weres are outnumbered by the filthy little bloodsuckers. Since the brotherhood is so selective about transforming new werewolves, I took it upon myself to transform as many as I could - including you... A mistake I will soon rectify! Soon, I will have my own little section of the Brotherhood turning humans everywhere into werewolves! My own little... Uh... Oh, what's the word I'm looking for when there's a smaller section of a governing body? THAD (looking down road) Branch. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Yes, branch! That's it! You're not as stupid as you-- KER-POW!!! Doogan/Werewolf is smacked by a tree branch hanging over the road knocking him off the van and sending him tumbling into a ditch. Thad gets up and watches for a second. INT. THE VAN Liam is driving nervously mumbling to himself. Thad hops in through the window. THAD Hey Liam. LIAM BAH! THAD Relax, it's me. LIAM Thad! I thought you were dog chow! What happened up there? A beat THAD I kicked his ass. LIAM What if he comes after us? THAD I don't think he will. If he does, he risks the Brotherhood finding out that he's the rouge werewolf. LIAM Well, that's a relief. What with the werewolves and that Jasmine girl quizzing me about Stacy and Doogan trying to kill us, I was getting worried. THAD Jasmine quizzing you about Stacy? LIAM Yeah, she kept asking me where Stacy lived, what she was afraid of, what her allergies are, when she walks down dark alleys alone... THAD LIAM, YOU FOOL!!! LIAM Huh? THAD Werewolf females are extremely jealous creatures! Jasmine was asking you where Stacy lives because she wants to KILL her and make you her mate! LIAM Oh, dookie! INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy is watering plants when her doorbell rings. STACY Com-ing! Stacy answers the door to find a large werewolf in the hallway. STACY Whatever you're selling, I don't want it. She slams the door in Jasmine/Werewolf's face and walks away. Suddenly, the werewolf rips the door off it's hinges and tears inside. STACY Eep! Stacy dives over the couch and flips into her bathroom, locking the door behind her. The werewolf attacks the door trying to get at her. Liam and Thad enters from the front door. Liam hits a rolled up newspaper against his palm. LIAM JASMINE!!! No! Bad werewolf! BAD!!! BAD!!! THAD Liam, please. That really makes me nervous. Jasmine/Werewolf turns around and looks at them. JASMINE/WEREWOLF Ah, hello Liam! Just taking care of some loose ends so we can be together. LIAM Jasmine, it'll never work out between us! JASMINE/WEREWOLF Why not? LIAM Because I lied! I'm not a werewolf! JASMINE/WEREWOLF (hurt) You're... You're not? LIAM No! JASMINE/WEREWOLF Oh, Liam... NOW I HAVE TO KILL YOU TOO! LIAM Ahh! Jasmine/Werewolf goes after Liam who runs into the hallway. Thad stands there and watches them both run by. Stacy creeps out of the bathroom. STACY Thad? What the HELL was that? THAD Looks like you've got a little competition, baby. I'd be a little jealous if I were you. Liam and the werewolf runs by the door again. LIAM HEEEEEEEEELP!!! STACY Jealous of what? He has better tastes than to choose Chewbacca the Wookie over me! THAD Perhaps. STACY Shouldn't we help him? THAD Again... Perhaps. Liam and the werewolf runs by again. LIAM CRISIS!!! CRISIS!!! JASMINE/WEREWOLF DIE, YOU LYING CHEATING MAN!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! INT. THE HALLWAY - ANOTHER ANGLE Liam runs down the hall trying to open locked doors. Finally, he comes to Bippo's apartment. The door comes open and Bippo comes out not letting Liam enter. LIAM Bippo, what are you doing!? Let me in! BIPPO No can do, Liam my man! I've got a nasty little secret inside that you just can't find out about! LIAM Bippo, I don't care if you've got bodies, dead cats, weapons, ritualistic paraphernalia or what not! I've got a bloodthirsty and sexually starved were-woman after me and I need to hide. BIPPO Were-woman, you say? The werewolf comes around the corner. LIAM Gaaaah! BIPPO Well, I'll be spanked. That IS a genuine were-woman! LIAM What are we going to do! The werewolf looms over them, drool dripping from her lips. BIPPO (to werewolf) Wanna see my pet? Bippo opens the door to his apartment. Suddenly, a gigantic dragon head comes out, grabs the werewolf in it's mouth, and pulls it into the apartment. Bippo shuts the door behind it and we hear roaring, screaming, and crunching BIPPO It's best we not witness. Such horrors were not meant for human eyes. A pause, then Bippo opens the door a crack and he and Liam look inside. BIPPO & LIAM SPEW!!! BIPPO I guess silver ISN'T the only way to kill a werewolf. Noted and filed. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Stacy, Bippo, Arturo, Thad, and Liam are present. Thad has his copy of "Lycanthropy for Dummies". THAD So, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for putting your life in jeopardy and stuff... Oh, and for not helping you when Jasmine tried to kill and eat you. LIAM It's all right, Thad, but I hope that you've learned that group mentality can be a dangerous thing. THAD I have no idea what you mean. ARTURO I agree with Liam. BIPPO So do I. THAD Well, in that case I do too! LIAM And Bippo... Thank goodness you kept that fire-breathing dragon as a pet! I'm sure it'll be a welcome addition to our little dysfunctional family here at Upda Creek. BIPPO Dragon? Oh, that? I had to get rid of him. LIAM What? Why? BIPPO Well, have you ever tried to clean up after a three ton twenty-five foot lizard? His poop was bigger than my couch! ARTURO Thanks for the visual. I'll call the carpet cleaners first thing in the morning. BIPPO My apartment needs new wallpaper too. Fifi had a thing about marking his territory. ARTURO Well, let's just replace the bloody floorboards while we're at it! BIPPO How did YOU know they were bloody? ARTURO Oh brother. BIPPO I'm not getting my security deposit back, am I? ARTURO Only when they start selling parkas in hell. LIAM (changing subject) Most of all... I'm glad that my fiance is safe and sound. STACY Oh, thanks Liam. THAD Hey, guys... Look at this! ARTURO What? What is it? THAD I've finally figured out why Drew hates me so much! It all dates back to the dawn of time when the Wolf-God first met the Blood-God. ARTURO Blood-God? THAD The god of vampires! STACY What happened? THAD (reading) The two powerful creatures regarded each other with a passing interest, neither having encountered another of equal power. The Blood-God looked at the Wolf-God and said, "Well, I guess my subjects and I will be your mortal enemies from now on." The Wolf-God nodded and said, "Yes, I thought so... But shouldn't we have some sort of a reason to justify what is sure to be thousands of years of senseless bloodshed?" The blood-god thought about that for a second, pondering the forces of nature and darkness that pitted the two gods against each other. Finally, after three hundred years of contemplation, the Blood-God finally replied. LIAM What did he say? THAD He said, "Something about you just pisses me off." FADE OUT: THE END ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
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