THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.34 - "Revelations"
Written By David Hopper

INT. THAD'S APARTMENT There's a knocking at the door, THAD opens it to reveal LIAM. LIAM Have you seen Bippo at all? THAD Not since work, he said he had something's planned with... (scoffs) ...Drew. LIAM Oh. I wonder what fun those two could get up to tonight. THAD (quickly) I don't care. LIAM You don't care? Bippo's your best friend and he's hanging out with a vampire who's kicked your ass twice before and threatened to pull your tonsils out of your butt! THAD I'm not jealous! LIAM (beat) I… didn't say you were. THAD Oh, just leave! LIAM Fine. Liam leaves. The distraught Thad's lower lip begins to quiver. EXT. MAC COMPUTERS MAIN DISTRIBUTION AND MANUFACTURING DREW FANGTASTIC and BIPPO THE CLOWN pull themselves out of a sewer in front of the building and run across the road. No sooner are they across then the building explodes, sending them diving for cover. BIPPO Wow, nice explosion. DREW What? (he looks at the exploding building) Oh boy… FLASHBACK EXT. GERMAN COMMUNICATION TRENCHES Drew dressed as a British solider is seen running in the trench systems which are under heavy bombing, while two German soldiers take pot shots at him with their rifles, destroying a support strut that collapses behind Drew. Suddenly the ground opens up underneath him, as a rather massive shell strikes right behind him, burying the Germans with mud. Drew falls down into a mining shaft that was opened up by the blast. He picks himself up, dusts himself off, then gets away from the entrance. SUBTITLE: 1918 INT. TUNNEL SYSTEM Drew makes his way through the tunnel only to find several corpses there, bending down, he finds puncture marks on their necks. YOUNG DREW (very toff like) Oh, I say, how very Bram Stoker. FADE TO: PRESENT DAY EXT. MAC COMPUTERS MAIN DISTRIBUTION AND MANUFACTURING As before. Drew shakes his head clear and looks at the remains of the building. DREW (under breath) Can't believe I used to talk like that. (Normal) Yeah, your best work to date I think. BIPPO You haven't known me very long, suck-face. The timing was off and the debris rain was WAY too sparse. So why did we have to blow it up anyhow? DREW Scuze me? BIPPO Why did you want me to help you wreck a place that was developing cybernetic robots and advance military gadgets, when we could have made millions getting Donner to sell the stuff for us to greedy third world would be world conquerors? DREW Er, I… have my reasons. (to self) Damndamndamndamndamndamndamndamn! (normal) Come on, let's go do something constructive. Like get very drunk. BIPPO I thought you said once Vampires can't get drunk? DREW (a beat) Depends what we have. BIPPO What do you mean? INT. BAR Drew is drunk, blind drunk. He's swinging on a dancing girl pole with a glass of whiskey in one hand yelling obscenities at the crowd. Most of the dancing girls are staying as far away from him as possible. A couple of patrons are lying out cold on the floor with broken noses. BIPPO All this on two fingers of whiskey? Oy. MUSICAL STING -------------------------------------------------------------- Theme tune (to the theme of "Blackadder 2") To tell the truth this is not his show, But today he's treating it just sooooohohoho. He started off as a hack writer, But now he's ego's gone and taken over. Fangtasic, Fangtastic, We hope you like this tune, Fangtastic, Fangtastic, We hope we got it riiiiiiiight. Liam Smith, Liam Smith, Your taking a back seat, Liam Smith, Liam Smith, It's that's Vampire's back story. HOORAY! --------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar as "LIAM SMITH"

Jon Rhys Davies As "PROFESSOR ARTURO"

GUEST STARRING

Robert Floyd as "BIPPO the CLOWN"

Mike Nelson as "THAD COFFEY"

David Hopper as "DREW FANGTASTIC"

Louie Anderson as "POLICE CHIEF PIGGY"

SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY

Christopher Lee as The Voice of "DEATH"

Hugh Laurie as "Lt George Colthurst St Barleigh"

Eliza Dushku as "Anna"

Tony Robinson as "Baldrick"

AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS

Traci Lords as "Havana Goodtime"

and
Stephen Fry as "General sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay MELCHETT / MELCHETT" INT. BAR Same as before. Five bouncers are trying to get Drew down from the stage, using their guns. BOUNCER Get down off the stage, boy. FADE TO: FLASHBACK INT. CAVE - 1917 Drew is now further inside the tunnel system. There's bodies all over the place, and a rather knolled, grey skinned VAMPIRE, that attacks Drew. He punches it off him, pulls out his gun and fires. The Vampire gets hit by every single shot Drew fires, and falls into a puddle. Drew drops the gun and edges towards the fallen vamp. DREW (V.O.) Boy? INT. BAR - The Present The bouncers open fire, Drew takes one shot, without even noticing it. More shots are fired, drew starts convulsing with the impacts. Eventually Drew disappears from sight in gun smoke. Two of the bouncers empty their magnums into him. CUT TO: Two more Bouncers firing Uzi's in Drew's direction. CUT TO: The lead Bouncer, now firing a shotgun at Drew. Everything goes into slow motion, the bullets slow to a slow pace, leaving behind their trials. The Bouncer sits down next to Bippo and they start drinking and taking to each other in normal speed while everything else goes on in slow motion. BIPPO Oh no, those bozos just shot Drew! Wow, look at the trail of smoke the bullet is leaving in its wake, like that effect in 'The Matrix'. Wonder if it'll hurt when the bullet reaches him BOUNCER Well, they say having your head blown off is a quick and painless death, but no one knows for sure. BIPPO Why's that? BOUNCER Because no one's ever experienced such a condition and lived to tell about it. BIPPO Well, I guess Drew's about to find out, seein' as how that bullet's getting pretty close to him. It should hit any nanosecond now..." The Bouncer gets up and moves back to where he was standing when he fired his gun. BOUNCER Well, gotta go, can't bend the laws of physics like this forever you know. Everything goes instantly back into normal speed. The bullets whiz past and hit the smoke that still surrounds Drew, who goes flying onto the stage from the impact. BARKEEP Tough customer that one. BIPPO WOHO! YEAH! Gun him down good boys. BARKEEP Aren't you with him? Bippo shoots him a dangerous look. BARKEEP I'll rephrase that. Didn't you come in with him? BIPPO I think so. Did I come in with him? BARKEEP Yep. BIPPO Then I must be with him. The barkeep raises a sawn off shotgun at Bippo. BIPPO Aw crap, gotta keep my mouth shut in future. BOUNCER I think we got him. BARKEEP You think? What are you dense? You shot off about a dozen rounds. FLASHBACK INT. CAVE - 1917 As Drew turns to leave, his leg gets grabbed and the vamp pulls him down, scratching it's fingernails across his chest forming a crude "Z" and wrestles with him for a minute before throwing him into a wall. Drew groans as his senses return to him, then sees the creature running at him, at the last second he ducks out of the way and the creature impales itself on a wooden beam that was sticking out. VAMPIRE Oh... you little twat! The vampire vanishes in a puff of smoke. Drew rubs his sore chest, looks at the blood, and clambers to his feet. He's not in a good way. INT. BAR - THE PRESENT The bouncers move in to examine the body. Drew lies on the ground, covered in his (?) own blood, an empty beer bottle in his hand. BOUNCER Didn't he have a whiskey glass before? Drew rises to his feet in one swift movement and smashes the bottle over the head of the lead bouncer, KO'ing him in one go. The other bouncers try to fire their guns only to find them empty. By which time, Drew has grabbed two of them by their necks and thrown over his shoulders into the barkeep. One of the remaining Bouncers goes for Drew with knuckledusters on his hands. Drew ducks two mad swings and then kicks out - sending the Bouncer out of the building via the window. Bippo helps himself to another beer while the barkeep is out. FLASHBACK INT. TUNNEL SYSTEM - 1917 Drew is staggering through the system and looks at his bleeding chest. YOUNG DREW I can't believe he went and scratched me. A great big monster, and he fights like a girl. INT. BAR - THE PRESENT Drew looks at the bullet wounds, and tastes his own blood. DREW Sunova- Damnit, I HATE getting shot. Ruins my wardrobe. BIPPO Nice moves there, Drewy boy. DREW Thanks, I knew that kickboxing class back in the forties would come in handy sometime. The last bouncer of the group comes back in with his gun trained on Drew. Drew kicks it out of his hands and stares at him. The Bouncer looks at him back, trying to outstare him, then fear comes across his face. We hear a noise like a running tap, and the bouncer goes running off, holding his groin. Bippo looks at Drew, who shrugs, then he freezes up as he hears a clicking noise behind him. He raises his hands as a gun is pointed into his back by the first bouncer. BOUNCER FREEZE! DREW No, I don't think so. It's pretty warm tonight and I don't have a body temperature anyhow. Now if we were in, say, Alaska- BOUNCER Shut up. (a beat) I mean, don't move. But Drew does, in fact he moves so fast, he's right behind to the Bouncer in less then a second and already has the man in a very painful arm lock. He takes the gun away from him. DREW You weren't going to shoot me now, were you? BOUNCER Come on man, let me go. Let me go. DREW I will, but first, let me show you something. Drew crushes the gun in his free hand. BOUNCER Oh man. DREW (face changes into "vampire face") You've no idea what your messing around with here, do you? BIPPO Hey, Drew, sorry to ruin your fun, but sunrise is in ten minutes. DREW (face goes back to normal) Damn, okay, forget it. We cross paths again, I'll show you what I REALLY am. BOUNCER A v-v-v-v-v-vampire! BIPPO Aw, he guessed it! The bouncer falls to the floor as Drew lets him go, and stays there in a foetal position even after Drew and Bippo have left. A very well polished boot comes into focus, and a man clears his throat. The bouncer looks up at the new arrival. BOUNCER Who are you? The owner of the boot steps into full view. It belongs to a man in a trench coat in his fifties with a handlebar moustache. Very pompous, very arrogant, very stereotactically English. MELCHETT I believe you may have some information for me. Concerning that man you've just met. BAAAAH! EXT: THE VEGAS STRIP There's no sign of daybreak yet, it's still quite dark. Drew turns to Bippo with a confused look. DREW What was that about? Daylight coming up soon? It's 2am. BIPPO Well, somewhere in the world, the sun is rising right now. DREW (looking ready to kill) And somewhere else it's setting. BIPPO Ah, touche! DREW (a beat, he calms down) I think so, is that possibly? (a beat) Bippo, why did you really stop me? I wasn't really going to hurt him. (a beat) Well, not much. A couple of bones. And it's not like you to not get involved in some mindless violence. BIPPO Well, if you must know- DREW I must. BIPPO I've kinda had my share of mindless violence for tonight. Best to not get over stimulated. DREW WHAT? BIPPO Besides, you know how Liam and the Professor and Stacy feel about you going around killing people, even pimps and drug dealers. But… Well after you got shot, in fact after the explosion earlier, you seemed to blank out a few times, like you were remembering something. You muttered something about, I dunno, the Hun? DREW The Hun? (a beat) Oh… Bippo, did I ever tell you HOW I became a vampire? BIPPO Nope. Right now I'm wondering how you can still stand, let alone fight after all those rounds you took. DREW It was back in world war one, somehow after a mission into no man's land, I- What? BIPPO You took a pounding. DREW They were crap shots, see? Most of them missed. I only really took about five bullets. (a beat) Mind you, I'll have to get a new jacket. Any pimps about? No, oh well. (a beat) Anyhow, back in World War I, I wound up in the Germen trench line and had to run for it. Thankfully, there was a shelling attack on at the time, so there weren't many guards out there. BIPPO On second thought, do I really have to hear this? DREW It was nineteen seventeen. But the creature that turned me, didn't even look human. (a beat) I was twenty years old. I haven't aged a day since in nearly, what, eighty four years now? BIPPO Look, really… I really don't care. DREW Vampires don't age, not bad for a hundred and four year old, eh? Besides, I've always looked younger then I was, even when I was human. Come on, there's another club here, we can have a quiet drink in here, and I'll tell you all about it. But even then, in 1917, I'd seen plenty of action. Even had a spell in the Air Corp. BIPPO Seriously... I didn't ask! FLASHBACK INT. HOSPITAL WARD - 1917 Drew is in a ward full of injured soldiers, including Lieutenant GEORGE. DREW (V.O.) When I shot the creature and it scrapped me, we were both bleeding, while we wrestled our blood mixed. I didn't realize that at the time. But as I walked on, I got weaker and weaker, until finally, I reached the surface, and only just made it back to my trenches. BIPPO (V.O.) It's late… I'm really have to go. DREW (V.O.) The medics who found me rushed me back to hospital, where I stayed for a few days. GEORGE Tally ho, young private, and how are you feeling today? Drew stirs from his mild snooze, and looks at the idiot standing opposite him with a huge grin. GEORGE What's the matter? Been gassed to silence? Pity, I was looking forward to some company after Smithy was released and the captain had left after finishing his job. I'm supposed to be being discharged myself later today. BIPPO (V.O.) Sort of like people who tell origin stories to those who don't want to hear them, he sounded annoying. DREW (V.O.) You don't know the half of it. DREW (not very friendly) Good. GEORGE Oh you do talk, very good. Glad to hear it. So what's you story, how did you get here then? I broke my arm during a shelling attack a few weeks ago. Pity that, I've missed out on three weeks of fighting the Hun. The cap and Balders must really have missed me you know. Or they would have if they hadn't been here doing their top secret spying mission. Drew can't stand being in this man's company. He's trying to be diplomatic, but not with much luck. Everything George says is just so unbelievable stupid. DREW Not as much as I won't. GEORGE Oh that's good to know, nice to make new friends. So how did you get here anyhow? Ought to be good for my next letter to my Uncle in Munich. DREW Munich? You write letters there? Why? GEORGE Well it's to my Uncle, and family is family even if there is a war going on. You know, the cap was here looking for a German spy, I hope he's found him. Can't say I saw anyone who looked German here. DREW What about your uncle? GEORGE Well, yes, but he's not around here, he's in Germany, haven't seen him since before the war. I wonder where Nurse Mary is? The young bed ridden Drew turns to the camera and starts talking to it. After a while, George does the same, smiling first, then a puzzled look takes over on his face since he can't figure out what's going on here. DREW It was around then that the craving hit me, I didn't understand why I was feeling like that, or even what the feeling was, but that irritating sod was setting me off. But I didn't get time to act on the instinct. GEORGE I say, who are you talking to? Drew turns to face George, tries to rise out of bed, then collapses and dies. George looks at him in his usual over friendly manner. GEORGE Oh, decided to get some sleep. Not a bad idea I suppose with those kinds of injuries. Well, tally ho, pip, pip with a bing and a bang and a buzz, buzz, buzz. I'm off for a little walk until the doctors tell me I can leave. George leaves. FADE TO: THE HOSPITAL Writing appears on screen. "AN HOUR LATER" George re-enters and sees the ward doctor covering Drew's head over with a blanket and shaking his head sadly. GEORGE Oh hello. Gosh, that is one awful deep sleep he's in. Oh well, tell me when he wakes up. I've got to go to headquarters to talk to old walrus face Melchett. I think the captain is busy telling him who the spy is. Gosh what fun that will be to find out. Wonder if he's changed his shirt yet? DREW (V.O.) I arose that night, in the morgue, and feasted on the bodies of the dead. You can imagine the surprise that would have caused the morgue technicians. INT. MORGUE OFFICE A TECHNICIAN bearing a strange resemblance to Liam Smith hears some noises, and puts down a book "FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER" and wanders into the morgue only to find several mutilated bodies spread out all over the place. A hand pokes him on his shoulder and he turns around to see a very bloodstained - DREW Howdy. TECHNICIAN IT'S ALIVE! The technician throws up a whole load of papers he was carrying and faints. Drew looks at the man for a second, shakes his head as if he's fighting something, and starts draining more blood out of the corpses. BIPPO (V.O.) Sounds like that coming-back-to life idea they used in that awful Dr Who TV movie. DREW (V.O.) Don't remind me. Anywho, somehow, simply by mingling our blood, I had became a vampire. And as far as I know, this is a unique case of Vampirism in itself. There is no recorded case of this happening anywhere else, not even Mr Hilter's books had anything on it. Realising something had happened to me, I ran, and hid out in France, away from the war, until I realized I was weak and needed feeding. I tried my best to live on animals for a while, but livestock was well guarded and smaller animals didn't get me as much strength as I had hoped they would. Besides, I still had my pride. And there's no way I was going to eat rats, of which there was a plentiful amount, thankfully someone else was using that particular part of the food chain. A montage of newspapers spin past with titles like: MYSTERY COW SLAUGHTERS! CAVALRY HORSES MUTILATED! STRANGE CREATURE SIGHTED: POSSIBLE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND BEAST? A shot of a smiling BALDRICK holding a couple of Rats up for the camera, while in the background, a hidden Drew tries not to throw up. BALDRICK I cook them to an ancient family recipe. REPORTER What is it? BALDRICK I don't know, I was never told it. EXT. THE TRENCHES Drew hides in a disused bunker in the German trenches. DREW (V.O.) Still feeling some loyalty to my country, I hid out in no mans land, and during the dark would prey on German soldiers in their own lines. I even found ways into No Man's Land, and preyed on the dying and dead. But as I continued like this, I grew to realize there was one man most directly to blame for my situation. EXT. BRITISH FIELD HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT TIME. Drew is in hiding in some bushes as a car pulls up, the driver gets out, walks past the bushes and is grabbed by Drew and dragged in. There's a struggle and a loud snapping noise. A few minutes later, Drew steps out dressed in the uniform and walks into the headquarters and into an office section and hands the drivers orders to a secretary. SECRETARY The general will be with you in a minute. The secretary walks off into another office, and a loud deep voice makes a "BAAA!" noise. GENERAL MELCHETT walks in. Almost identical to the other Melchett in all respects, except obviously not the same person. MELCHETT Ah, corporal Black, just a short back and sides and a trim of the moustache today I thought. SECRETARY Uh no sir, this is Sergeant Blanc, sir. He's your driver. Melchett looks at his overcoat that he's wearing as if for the first time. MELCHETT Oh, splendid, splendid. Well, let's be orf then. Can't keep those Frenchies waiting for their own surrender and peace treaty signing. The secretary and Drew swap expressions of disbelief. SECRETARY Uh no sir, it's the Germans who are signing the treaty sir, at least for now sir. The official signing won't be for some time. MELCHETT Oh pish and tish, that's just the official signing, this one's good enough for me, end this war, even though it's been as much fun as it has for these past few years. Well lets be orf then driver. Melchett and a rather exasperated Drew leave. DREW Orf? INT. MELCHETT'S CAR Drew is driving at a rather unsafe speed, giving the amount of bumps in the road, while Melchett is telling anecdotes about himself. MELCHETT And to which I said to him the best way to encourage your men to final victory, was to yell, threaten and intimidate them. But since then I must admit that joking about with the men, getting to know them as I did with poor young George's Trench section before their rather unexpected deaths when the y charged into No Mans Land, was good for their morale. I guess sending Captain Darling up there must have really made Captain Blackadder's day. DREW (under breath) Pity you don't have a sense of humour. MELCHETT I'm sorry, driver. Did you say something? DREW (quickly changing the subject) I was wondering what you felt of tactics sir? MELCHETT Well, I always agreed with Field Marshal Haig, the best way to win this war was simply to bombard the enemy with shells, and then send out several of our troops to attack their trenches. Continuous attack would wear the Hun down and eventually catch them orf guard. Would have worked sooner or later, but the Hun proved yet again they have no balls for long term war. Or anything else, BAH! DREW Sir, their people were starving and their economy was in ruins, and in four years of trying the same tactics by both sides, no one ever managed to really win anything, except maybe fourteen square inches of mud. MELCHETT Wash your mouth out with soap, and steal wool, soldier. Filthy Hun weasels, using our tactics too. BAAH! Make no mistake though soldier, with their peoples will broken, and their economy ruined, they won't be trying another war anytime soon. DREW At least not in your life time, sir. MELCHETT What do you mean? DREW You know what they said about the Titanic? Before it sank? MELCHETT That it was invincible? But it sank, it clearly wasn't and I don't see th- DREW Well Neither Are You! EXT. THE ROAD Melchett's car goes skidding out of control, through a hedge at high speed and into a tree. Melchett screams in defiance as his end approaches. MELCHETT BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAH!!! INT. CAR Melchett's corpse is halfway through the windscreen, while Drew is nowhere to be seen. Melchett's ghost comes out of his body, and jumps down to the ground, only to see a rather ghostly apparition in a black robe. DEATH. DEATH GREETINGS GENERAL SIR ANTHONY CECIL HOGMANAY MELCHETT. MELCHETT Good heavens, you could do with some fattening up, eh? BAH! DEATH (sighs) I ALWAYS GET THE CRAZIES. DO YOU MIND NOT POKING ME IN MY BELLY? MELCHETT There's nothing there to poke. Is that your spine? (a beat) So, I'm dead then? DEATH YES, GENERALLY IT TAKES LONGER FOR MOST PEOPLE TO ACCEPT THAT, AND CONSIDERING HOW THICK HEADED YOU WERE IN LIFE, IT'S SURPRISING YOU'VE CAUGHT ON SO QUICKLY. MELCHETT Well, yes, but I'm hardly in my body now, am I? Therefore I can't be thick headed anymore. Death mulls that one over. Melchett definitely seems as pompous as he was in life. Death turns around and sees a surprised Drew come back down to earth in front of the car. DREW I can levitate? DEATH (to Melchett) WHATEVER, I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT LOGIC. MELCHETT BAH! DEATH YES, QUITE. DREW Goodbye General, may you rot in hell for all the deaths of the soldiers you sent to their deaths each week, using the same contrived tactics each time, and for being such a pain. Don't you ever shut up? And come to think about it, do you ever change your shirts? The stench was unbearable. I'd prefer mustard gas to your BO. (a beat) Oh and there was the matter of sending me out on a suicide mission that got me changed into a vampire and condemning me to a live of having to kill others to live. Thanks a bunch pal. Death ponders this as Drew walks off, away from the scene of the crash. DEATH HMM, A VAMPIRE WHO SHOWS SOME SIGNS OF REGRET. UNUSUAL, AND WORRYING SINCE HE'S FOUND OUT ABOUT AT LEAST ONE OF HIS POWERS WITHOUT HELP FROM A SIRE. I'D BETTER KEEP MY EYE ON HIM, HE COULD BE DANGEROUS. (to Melchett) WELL, LET'S BE ORF THEN. MELCHETT BAAAAH! INT. CLUB - THE PRESENT Drew is lost in thought telling his story. Bippo is readying a noose for himself in the background. DREW You know, the last time I was in this club, something really weird happened as well. FADE TO: A HUGE PARTY It's the sixties, and a whole load of Austin Powers style swingers are celebrating nothing in particular. Drew stands out a mile in the party atmosphere, dressed in sixties versions of his usual kind of attire, black jeans, black t-shirt and a black leather coat, he's sporting a full goatee and is looking at everyone with an air of distaste. A woman approaches him, dressed like everyone else is, horribly. DREW You call this dancing? Whatever happened to the foxtrot? HAVANA Hi, I'm Havana. FANGTASIC Drew, Drew Fangtastic. HAVANA I dare say you are. DREW Didn't catch that last name? HAVANA Thought you said it was Fangtastic? DREW I meant your last name? Havana? HAVANA Goodtime, Havana Goodtime. DREW Yeah, well I'm not. HAVANA I'll have to see what I can do about that. DREW (V.O.) I've always had an aversion to Bimbos, something about them makes me feel sick to the core, but there was something about this girl, something that got my senses running. So I kept talking nicely instead of annoying her as I normally would have done. DREW I've heard that name before. Are you the owner of the highly successful Soho, London adult literature publishers of the same name- (looks off screen) or the distraction for the hit man with the M16 over there? HAVANA (giggling) Both. DREW Ah, a moonlighter. HAVANA I - what? The hitman -who bares an uncanny likeness to Thad- lets lose with a volley of machine gun fired death, all aimed at Drew who bravely grabs Havana and holds her in front of him to take every single shot. Strangely, she is still alive. HAVANA Ouch, damn that hurt. DREW (He drops her from shock.) Your still alive? HAVANA Ouch, you square, why did you have to do that? DREW Drop you like a sack of potatoes, or make you take every single bullet? HAVANA Both, ya dick. DREW Well, I didn't feel like ruining my suit, I like this suit and I hate getting shot. HAVANA Yeah, it's not too pleasant when you think about it. It's one of those things I hope to never go through ever AGAIN! The hitman reloads and fires off another burst, Drew grabs Havana and uses her as a shield yet again. Havana is getting sick of this. As he drops her again, she's still alive and is showing no signs of dying. HAVANA OW! DAMNIT IT! IDIOT! (a beat) Conventional weapons won't stop him, if you must try to take him out, use a rocket launcher or something. The hitman grabs a rocket launcher and fires a shot off. Again it nails Havana in the lower back since Drew's picked her up let again. Drew takes a look at it. DREW This isn't how I'd normally pick up women you know, I - It's firing wooden stakes? (A beat) Then you know that I'm a - ? HAVANA Yes, of course I do. They just needed to get you weakened up first, that's why their using bullets to slow you down. Fire again. A standard shell, and this time hit him you moron. The hitman fires another shell, which hits Havana in her back yet again, or rather bounces off the stake and lands at her feet. A look of horror crosses Drew and Havana's faces, then it explodes, sending them both out of the window, hurtling towards the ground, screaming. DREW WHY WON'T YOU DIE? HAVANA WHY WON'T YOU? DREW I HAVEN'T BEEN HIT YET! HAVANA THAT WON'T BE MUCH OF A PROBLEM WITH THE IMPACT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ON THE SIDEWALK! Drew pushes her in front of him and they hit the ground, Havana taking the impact. She's still alive. The hitman looks out of the window and groans as he sees Drew still up and about. Drew looks at Havana now flat face. DREW Anyone order a pizza? HAVANA Damn you, Drew Fangtastic. I'll find you someday, and make you pay for all this pain you've put me through. DREW Sure, once you've recovered from all those compound fractures, internal bleeding and the loss of blood. Your going to need major surgery to recover from all of this, so I really hope for your sake you have good life insurance. Say, maybe I can help you out. Drew removes the stake from her back, and throws it upwards, hard. We hear a muffled scream, and the hitman comes back down to earth, landing on Havana, who screams. DREW Oooops. INT. THE BAR As before, Drew is lost in thought from his story. DREW Well, okay… A lot of that I saw in some movie once, but give me a break! It WAS thirty years ago! Well, I guess you're tired of me rattling on about my origins, eh Bippo? Drew looks over at Bippo who has a somber look on his face and a gun to his head. Bippo nods yes. DREW All right then, let's go shall we? EXT. THE LAS VEGA STRIP Drew and Bippo are walking down the street, Ignoring the hookers and pimps for once. Then something stirs Drew, something that shakes him to the centre of his soul. He looks behind him, then starts to run away, leaving a confused Bippo behind. VOICE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Drew looks around the street, trying to find who said that. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Drew is running for his life as a crazy man in his mid fifties goes after him with a chainsaw, bellowing as he does. They run past Bippo again as he approaches someone. It's the descendent of Melchett, his great nephew, Melchett from earlier in the nightclub. MELCHETT Come back here and die like a man, or as best as you can, monster. BAAH!! DREW Get lost walrus features. And change your shirt while your at it, you stink as bad as your ancestor. MELCHETT BAAAAAH!! They both run past Bippo, armed with a blood soaked knife, standing over a blood soaked body. BIPPO This town is getting too weird for my liking. (a beat) Oh who am I kidding? (throws arms up in air) I LOVE THIS TOWN! Melchett runs madly after Drew as he enters a strangely familiar and very run down looking building. The camera pans up to reveal the name of the building is "WITHOUTTA PADDLE". INT. WITHOUTADA PADDLE APARTMENTS Drew runs downstairs into the boiler room, Melchett hot on his trail. Drew runs down a narrow corridor full of pipes and very dodgy looking loose wiring. Melchett comes after him, waving the chainsaw about wildly, cutting through a few wires and damaging a gas pipe. DREW Damnit, calm down, or you'll have the whole building up in flames. MELCHETT Never. I won't rest until your dead, you'll pay for killing my ancestor, and sending all those insulting notes to our family with a picture of a walrus wearing a dirty shirt that you've been sending for years ever since. DREW What? I've never sent anyone any such cards. MELCHETT Really? Oh, well maybe we can forget the last charge, but the murder of a Melchett must be repaid with blood. Yours specifically. DREW My blood? None of this is actually mine you know, there is a reason we're called bloodsuckers. MELCHETT runs at Drew, chainsaw revving at max, unfortunately some of the wiring gets caught around his feet and trips him up, sending his chainsaw up in the air into a badly placed light attachment. Sparks go everywhere as it explodes, some of the sparks obey the universal law of predicaments -also known as "Sod's law"-, and strike the damaged gas pipe, igniting the whole room and hitting Melchett full on his back with an outburst of flames. MELCHETT BAAAAAAAAH!!! DREW DEAR GOD! MELCHETT ARRGH! I'm burning. Damn you to hell, Fangtastic. DREW Been there, done that, got the t shirt. MELCHETT I'm taking you with me. Melchett grabs for Drew, the whole room is ignited further as he makes his kamikaze move. Drew dodges the first dive Melchett makes, but gets caught on fire himself. Melchett makes a successful grab and pulls him down on the floor, climbing on top of him. Drew punches him off. DREW Sorry, don't believe in doing anything kinky on the first date. MELCHETT Damn your eyes, impertinent child. DREW Hey, I'm over a hundred years old pal, you're the child here. A woman's scream is heard from above. Melchett takes off his overcoat and looks at it before dropping it to the ground. DREW Damn, the fire must have spread. Melchett you idiot, in your bloodlust you've sentenced the occupants of this paper thin walled, death trap of an apartment block to a fiery death. And those that survive will be homeless. MELCHETT What have I done? What have I done? I've ruined a perfectly good coat that I'm wearing, and lost my favorite chainsaw. DREW (unable to believe Melchett's lack of concern for anyone else) You've really got issues, you know that? Now let's see if we can get them out of here MELCHETT Damn these people, it's a run down hell hole, and we're most likely doing them a favour by destroying it and them. DREW Your whole family must be like this, eh? Single minded idiots. I'd heard the aristocracy was inbred, but you take the biscuit. Or is the aristocracy a biscuit and that takes the inbreeding? Oh I just don't care anymore. Drew grabs Melchett and levitates out of the corridor until they're in a clear part of the building where he puts him down. Melchett runs off into the night. DREW What about the people in here? Have you no conscious? MELCHETT People be damned. There's plenty more of them. Their like bacteria in a way. Always multiplying. DREW That was the generals attitude to his soldiers as well. It's also what I think of Boybands. Oh well, that's another lesson of the past that went unlearned. EXT. WITHOUTADA PADDLE APARTMENT Melchett runs out into the street and hails a taxi. As he pulls away Drew levitates out of the building with a woman in his arms while the fire team, police and ambulance arrive. Photographers start snapping pictures of Drew as he hands the woman over to the paramedics. POLICE CHIEF PIGGY approaches him. Bippo is hanging about the scene smiling. POLICE CHIEF PIGGY Okay folks, nothing to see here, nothing to see. Go home. (to Drew) Now sir, you rescued the woman from the building, did you see how it started? (he looks around where Drew was) Sir? Where'd he go? BIPPO I saw it officer, he flew upwards, towards the cemetery. PIGGY Oh sure, what do you take me for? An idiot? (cleans ear with his gun) No one can fly, except Capeman, and that wasn't Capeman. Or was that Capeman minus his tights? OFFICER No, it wasn't him. I remember the time Capeman forgot his tights. PIGGY Oh yeah, the girls at the station couldn't stop talking about that incident. (a beat) Neither could Julian. Very strange man that one. Not as strange as the time he and Nightflyer got their tights mixed up though. Julian has pictures of that up on his desk still. BIPPO Well that couldn't have been Capeman, Capeman charges for everything he does. PIGGY And he's about six inches too small. Hmm, then the question is, who was that long haired, pale skinned man in the dark clothing? Come on people, nothing to see here. (he turns around) Woah, a burning building. Come on people, don't be scared take a look. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Bippo has arrived back at the apartment building, Liam is just coming out of there as Drew staggers up to them and collapses from exhaustion. Liam helps Drew into the apartment block, it's clear the night has taken a heavy toll on him. Arturo rounds a corner and helps them in. INT. ARTURO's APARTMENT Liam and Stacy are now also present. LIAM Isn't there a hospital or something we could take him to? STACY So they can do what? Try to revive him with CPR? He's a vampire, he's dead, he's even been to hell to confirm that after getting staked. ARTURO Mr Fangtastic, just how did you end up in hell anyhow? You don't seem to be evil, in fact you've done some considerably good things in your life. DREW Well, someday I'll tell you, let's just say that I know what's it like to have a hunter after you. (a beat) It was a battle to the death, for me I just wanted to get away from them. But in the end, the big black guy with the big sword, and the small white girl with a thing for repeatable kicking people nearly twice her size in the head got to me in the end. (a beat) But that's another story. LIAM Oh come on, you can't leave us hanging on like that. DREW (darkly) Watch me. EXT. THE GRAVEYARD Bippo and Liam help Drew to his tomb door. Liam is talking to him all the way, Drew is ignoring him. LIAM So, you going to be alright? Drew? Drew? You okay there? Drew? Drew goes in and closes the door. Liam and Bippo turn round, shrug and head off. LIAM How rude. Bippo, he's taken a liking to you, he talks to you. You any idea what he gets up to in there? BIPPO Who knows? It's not like he's got a big Bat Cave under there, now is it? LIAM Yeah, and a huge variety of equipment to battle evil with. BIPPO Or a huge army to fight Satan with. LIAM Or some way of sneaking into hell itself, or better yet visiting other dimensions. BIPPO Or planets? They head off, laughing as they go. EXT. GRAVEYARD OVERHEAD SHOT The camera zooms into a grave stone. The camera POV goes into the grave itself and then into the ground, eventually going into a huge cavern, covered in walk ways and artificial computer pits, all manned by people in leather. To one side, and taking up most of one wall, is a huge circular gateway, much like a StarGate. It opens up and a team of people dressed head to toe in camouflage come out, armed to the teeth. Drew shows up inside an elevator and steps out. Clearly he is the boss. A small group approaches him and help him to a medical unit. Anna rushes out to help him when she sees him. ANNA DREW! What happened? Did you deal with the future? (a beat) Whatever you actually meant by that. It's not like you tell me anything that's going on here. DREW Anna, sometime your going to have to tell me, jut how and why Rymer made you a vampire, because I'm going to tell you how I became one. ANNA Do you have to? DREW Yes… put the stake down. Anna drops a stake and a hammer and sits on the floor in defeat. ANNA Dammit. I hate this stuff. THE END ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
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