THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.34 - "The Trial of the Century of the Week"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. AN ARCADE BIPPO THE CLOWN and THAD COFFEY are talking. Bippo is playing a game of pinball. THAD I can't believe Liam got Donner of all people to be his best man for his wedding. BIPPO Me neither! So what if he's paying for the wedding and giving the a honeymoon cruise! Dammit, I'm bringing whoopie cushions making the clam cowder dip and that should count for SOMETHING! THAD Well, best not to think about it, Bip. After all, being groomsmen is an honor no matter how you look at it. I think that... Thad looks up and sees Bippo's score. THAD Oh my Lord! FIVE HUNDRED MILLION POINTS!? BIPPO Huh? THAD Your score, Bippo! Look at your score! Bippo looks and is shocked. BIPPO Oh my gentle Jesus! I wasn't even paying attention! THAD You're just a million from breaking the all time super high score! A small crowd begins to gather around. BIPPO THAT HIGH SCORE IS AS GOOD AS MINE!!! I AM IN DAH ZONE!!! INT. THE PINBALL MACHINE The ball bounces around the game racking up points. INT. THE ARCADE - AS BEFORE The crowd has grown and are all cheering Bippo on. THAD You're going to do it, Bippo! You're going to get high score! BIPPO YES! Bippo flips the paddles and the ball shoots upwards, bounces off a bunker, and then rolls slowly down one of those little slots on the side. Since there is nothing he can do about it, Bippo presses his face to the glass and watches it roll down the hole. BIPPO Wha... NOOOOOOO!!! The pinball machine says GAME OVER - REAL WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS UNLESS THEY'RE REALLY DEPRESSED. The crowd disperses. THAD Wow tough luck, man. You were only a hundred points away from high score. BIPPO Son... of... a.... BITCH! THAD Hey, don't get mad, man! BIPPO MAD!? I am WAY beyond mad! Those little slots on the side of pinball machines are the most annoying and evil things ever invented! THAD Bippo, come on! It's just a game! BIPPO It is not a game! Pinball is an American staple tainted by those freakin' slots! SON OF A... I swear, I'm going to hunt down the man who invented those damned slots and when I do... I WILL MAKE HIM PAY!!! --- THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons") Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Show! It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net! No networks would touch this thing, and that is a real sure bet! Don't you go and get depressed! An internet show's more fun! A lot of what you see is up to you, Just use your imagination! Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow! OLÉ! ------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Guest Starring

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

and
Gary Dordan
as
Tempus

Special Guest Stars

Robert Floyd
as
"Flip DeClown"

and
Judge Lance Ito
as
"himself" --- INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Several workers are putting up wedding decorations. ELVIS, LIAM, and STACY are seen milling about. LIAM So you WILL be available ELVIS Will I ever! Hell, Liam, I'd MAKE time to marry you two crazy cats! LIAM That's wonderful! Isn't that wonderful, Stacy? STACY Wonderful. Well, everything's taken care of. We've got someone to perform the ceremony and it looks like we're home free! LIAM And then, fabled land of sex I have so dreamed about, HERE I COME! There is a distant phone ring. At the front desk, ARTURO answers. ARTURO WSUX is my favorite station with continuous classics and fun. (beat) Who? (beat) All right. (puts phone down) Stacy, child, it's for you. STACY Coming. Stacy walks over and picks up the phone. STACY Hello? (beat) Are you sure you can't talk him into...? (beat) But, you did explain to him that... (beat) Oh, all right. But are you sure that YOU won't come? (beat) You won't? (beat) All right, mom. Thanks. Stacy hangs up. LIAM Everything all right? STACY No. My daddy's refusing to come to the wedding. He says he doesn't approve of the marriage. LIAM What's there not to approve of? ELVIS We could save time if she told what there WAS to approve of. ARTURO Well, this is terrible. Stacy, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you a few days before your wedding. STACY Daddy and I never got along anyway, but since he's not coming I would like to ask you a question, professor. ARTURO What? STACY Well, it's personal. Since my daddy's going to be a no-show, would you give me away at the wedding? Arturo is silent. STACY Professor? ARTURO Excuse me for a moment, my dear. Arturo walks quickly out of the room and into the back office where all of the sudden, we hear him sobbing loudly from the inside. After a second, Arturo returns, his eyes red and swollen. ARTURO I would be honored. EXT. A LARGE MANSION - NIGHT Across the grounds, the form of BIPPO THE CLOWN can be seen silhouetted in the moonlight creeping towards the mansion. BIPPO breaks a window and jumps inside. After a moment of silence, we hear bangs, chainsaws buzzing, screaming, mooing, bombs going off, chickens sqawking, and finally the sound of a body hitting the floor. INT. THE MANSION A bloody hand lies on the ground and we see a pair of oversized clown shoes standing next to it. A bloody knife is dropped to the ground, then a pair of bloody gloves, then a chainsaw, a grenade, a chicken, and a note that says "I KILT THIS GUY - LOVE, BIPPO THE CLOWN". INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam and DONNER are there. LIAM Look, Donner... I wanted to thank you for paying for the wedding and the vacation cruise. It was really cool of you, but I can't help but think that you have some kind of ulterior motive. DONNER Moi? An ulterior motive? Don't be silly, Liam. I'm doing this out of the kindness of my heart. Liam looks at him. DONNER Oh, all right! I'm doing this so you can introduce me to that guy from the future. LIAM Tempus? Why do you want to meet Tempus? DONNER Simple, my friend... Stock tips! My main source of income has become a little unpredictable lately. LIAM Capeman? Unpredictable? DONNER Yeah, it's like he's mentally ill or something. He disappears for days on end and whenever he is around, he babbles constantly about madness and old episodes of Friends. He should probably get help, but enough about him. I was hoping that your Tempus friend would tell me what major stocks would be fruitful throughout the next few years what with the economy doing a nose-dive and all. I've got a multi-billion dollar operation to look after, after all. LIAM Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. All you have to do is call his name. DONNER What do you mean? LIAM Yo, TEMPUS!!! The door of light opens and Tempus walks out in a robe. TEMPUS What do you want, Liam? I was in the shower! DONNER Oh my god, that was the bitchinest thing I've ever seen! What the hell was that? TEMPUS It's my apartment. It exists in the 45th dimensional plane approximately 1/15th of a millisecond out of phase with normal reality. DONNER (blank look) 'kay. LIAM Tempus, this is Donner. TEMPUS And? LIAM He'd like to ask you a few things. Tempus looks at Donner. TEMPUS Wait a minute, I know you! DONNER You do? Is this one of those weird, I've known your for years but you haven't met me yet things I'm always seeing in time travel movies? TEMPUS No, you're head is on display at the Smithsonian Institute in the future! DONNER My head? Donner uncomfortable holds his neck. TEMPUS No, not that head. Donner holds his hands over his crotch. TEMPUS Not that one either. I'm talking about a statue head. LIAM There's a statue of Donner in the future? That must mean that he plays some major role in future history! Maybe you become a world leader, or more likely... A tyrannical dictator. DONNER That would be the sh-(BLEEP)-t, but actually, I commissioned a statue of me last week for my bathroom. I'm vain, so shoot me. TEMPUS What is it that you want? DONNER Actually, Tempus, I was wondering if you could give me some stock tips! You know, so I could mercilessly exploit future knowledge for my own misguided and selfish needs. TEMPUS No. DONNER It was the way I said it, wasn't it? Okay, how about you tell me about the future so I could... Uh... Help... Orphans or some such bullcrap. TEMPUS I can't chance altering the future any more than it has been. Especially for you, who I already don't like. DONNER But it's ME we're talking about! Come on! I'll buy you a car! I'll pay you! Like music? I'll get you tickets for Metallica, Marilyn Manson, or Emeniem. You name it! TEMPUS Yuck. I hate classical composers. THAD enters. He is out of breath. THAD Bippo's been arrested. DONNER So? LIAM Pretty common. DONNER Shock us, won't you? THAD He's been taken in for MURDER!!! MUSIC STING: DUM DAH DAAAAAAH!!! LIAM I really wish I could figure out where that music was coming from. INT. LAS VEGAS JAIL Liam and Thad go into the visiting area where Bippo is chained up like Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs. LIAM BIPPO! My god, what have they done to you!? BIPPO (gagged) Mmmmfff mmmfm mfmfm mmm mfff! LIAM Huh? A man walks out from behind Bippo who looks just like Bippo, but without the make-up. This is FLIP. FLIP He said they didn't do it to him. He asked to be tied up like this. It seems he likes it and does it a lot in the privacy of his own home. THAD Who are you? FLIP I'm Flip. Bippo's twin brother. LIAM I didn't know he had one. FLIP Oh yes. My full name is Flippo the Clown, but I shortened it to Flip. THAD Wow! How come we never heard of you until now? FLIP Well, I've tried to distance myself from my poor deranged brother for some time now. Poor Bippo, we all saw this coming one day. LIAM Wait a minute... You're saying that you honestly think that Bippo killed someone? FLIP Bippo went to great lengths to track down the inventor of the little slots on the side of pinball machines. He finally found him after blowing a high score yesterday, a Mister Snedly B. Cheater. THAD So THAT'S the bastard! LIAM Well, Flip. I for one think that Bippo is innocent. He has never directly killed anyone before! Thad looks at Liam. LIAM That we know of. Thad cocks an eyebrow. LIAM All right, so he has a few times, but nothing so malicious as this! FLIP Oh, poor sweet naive boy... Bippo is a walking time bomb and I'm going to be everything I can to see that he's defused. I cannot allow him to kill again! THAD You're going to put him in an insane asylum? FLIP Why waste tax money? We're going to strap him to an electric chair and tell him it's a ride! LIAM He's GOT to have a fair trial! FLIP Well, he would... But no defense attorney is willing to take the case. Apparently, Bippo wants to represent himself. THAD What? A wise man once said that a man who represents himself in court has a fool as a client! LIAM Then what THIS fool needs is a new defense! I will defend him! Bippo begins to wiggle in his harness yelling muffled NO!'s. LIAM See? Bippo likes the idea! FLIP Eh, whatever dooms him the fastest. Sorry brother, but this way is the best. Flip begins to laugh maniacally, but then stops when he realizes that everyone is looking at him. FLIP Sorry... I just remembered something funny I saw on TV the other day. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A HOME IN THE COUNTRY YOUNG BIPPO, YOUNG FLIP, and BIPPO'S MOM and BIPPO'S DAD are standing in front of the happy home with a white picket fence. All are smiling broadly and staring blankly into the camera. BIPPO (V.O.) My brother and I were raised in a circus family, but when the circus folded, daddy decided to settle down with me, my brother, my mother, and the circus's star attraction, Killer the Gorilla. KILLER THE GORILLA enters the frame, takes BIPPO'S DAD by the neck and starts beating him unseen on the ground. None of the others seem to take notice as they continue to look blankly into the camera. KILLER looks around, shrugs and walks off. BIPPO (V.O.) After the funeral, our mother decided to cheer us up by cooking us a nice big birthday cake, as it was our birthday and cakes were the traditional dish of the time. BIPPO'S MOM smiles broadly and goes into the house. BIPPO (V.O.) Unfortunately, so was faulty gas stoves. KABLAM!!! The house explodes raining material and blood on the two brothers who still stare blankly ahead. BIPPO (V.O.) Then my dog, Ol' Yeller, got rabies and I had to put him down. Young Bippo gets out a shotgun and shoots off screen. We hear a dog yap as Young Bippo is sprayed with blood. BIPPO (V.O.) And then, there was Vietnam. BLAM! The land in the background begins to explode under shell fire as Apache helicopters begins buzzing over head. BIPPO (V.O.) The horror... Oh, the horror... INT. A COURTROOM BIPPO is sitting on the witness stand as JUDGE LANCE ITO bangs his gavel. LIAM is setting on defense while FLIP is on prosecution. JUDGE ITO Mister DeClown, that is the fifth childhood trauma we've heard from you in the last ten minutes involving parental murders, suicides, and now mauling by wild animals! None of these are true, are they? BIPPO Define true. JUDGE ITO True as in not false. BIPPO Well, that all depends on your definition of false, now doesn't it? JUDGE ITO GAH! You are without a doubt the most infuriating person I've ever met! BIPPO Thank you. You may step down. JUDGE ITO Very well. Judge Ito gets up and walks out the front door. Bippo begins jumping up and down on the bench. BIPPO I'm in cha-arge! I'm in cha-arge! Ito bursts back into the courtroom. JUDGE ITO Wait a minute... Judge Ito runs back to the bench. JUDGE ITO YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO STEP DOWN!!! I'M THE JUDGE!!! BIPPO Well I didn't vote for you! JUDGE ITO You don't VOTE on judges! Flip rises. FLIP Your honor, I'd like Bippo treated like a hostile witness. BIPPO I am NOT a hostile witness! I'll kick your ass for saying that! JUDGE ITO Granted. BIPPO I object. JUDGE ITO For the tenth time, Bippo, you can't object. That's your defense attorney's job. BIPPO Can I object to that? JUDGE ITO NO! FLIP! Make you're case! FLIP stands. FLIP Your honor, I will show beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt that Bippo DeClown committed a gross act of murder. BIPPO Oh, come on! It wasn't THAT gross. JUDGE ITO Murder? That's not so bad. FLIP And DOESN'T have the money to buy his way out of it. The court gasps. JUDGE ITO That's BARBARIC!!! To the gas chamber with him! LIAM WAIT! He deserves a fair trial! JUDGE ITO Ugh! Due process... This would be so much easier if Hitler had won the war. All right, Liam Smith... make your case and make it snappy. Liam gets up. LIAM Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Bippo could not have killed Mr. Cheater, because he... Liam looks up and sees CHOCOLATE TREAT sitting in the jury box. LIAM Chocolate Treat? What are YOU doing here? CHOCOLATE TREAT I was selected for jury duty and got this case. Wild, huh? Just little ol' me and eleven angry hunky hard-bodied men! LIAM You can't be on the jury! They have to be unbiased! They have to be... THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!! You're honor, may I have a moment to go over my briefs? Chocolate Treat holds up a pair of men's briefs. CHOCOLATE TREAT They look fine from where I'm sitting, sugar! Liam checks his pants and looks up in shock. LIAM How the hell did you do that!? JUDGE ITO Mister Smith, we're not getting any younger! LIAM Thought it was a bit drafty in here. Now, where was I? Right, Bippo... Wouldn't you consider yourself a sane individual. BIPPO No, not in the least. LIAM (beat) Oooookay, would you say that you are a man capable of murder? BIPPO Yeah, if someone pisses me off enough. LIAM (beat) Bippo... Work with me here, would you? Now, did you kill Snedly B. Cheater? BIPPO Don't know, I was pretty stoned and drunk that night, not to mention all of the coke I did. LIAM Your honor, I object to this line of questioning! JUDGE ITO Mr. Smith, you can't object to your own questions! Now, sit down and shut up! Flip DeClown, you may cross-examine! LIAM But, I didn't get to... JUDGE ITO SHHH!!! LIAM But I... JUDGE ITO SHHH!! LIAM I ju- JUDGE ITO SHHH!! LIAM B- JUDGE ITO SHHHHHHH!!! BIPPO It. A beat JUDGE ITO SHHHHH!!! BIPPO It. JUDGE ITO STOP DOING THAT!!! FLIP!!! UP HERE!!! NOW!!! Flip jumps up. FLIP Hello Bippo. BIPPO Hello Flippo. FLIP Don't call me that. BIPPO You've always been ashamed of your proud clown heritage What of those who came before you? Bozo? Ronald McDonald? Pennywise? FLIP I am not a clown, dammit! I never will be! BIPPO You have seltzer in your veins, my brother! Cotton Candy in your bones! FLIP STOP! STOP IT!!! JUDGE ITO (banging gavel) THAT'S ENOUGH!!! FLIP I'LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU, YOU CRAZY RETARDED RETARD!!! JUDGE ITO I will not have this court turned into a circus! FLIP YOU SHUT UP TOO, DAMMIT!!! JUDGE ITO I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURT!!! LIAM I'll have a small shake! BIPPO If you wish! Bippo jumps up and begins shaking his booty on the bench. Chocolate Treat jumps out of the jury box and begins stuffing ones down his pants. LIAM Whoever said the system doesn't work? INT. THE COURT HOUSE Liam is talking on a pay phone. LIAM It's going south guys. If things keep going the way they are, Bippo's going to the gas chamber for good. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Donner, Tempus, and Thad are in the lobby. Donner is talking on the phone. DONNER The gas chamber? Isn't that the new Thai place downtown? INTERCUT LIAM Donner, be serious for a minute. DONNER All right, all right... Let's talk serious for a minute. Do you know that the little shrimp from the future still won't give me any stock tips? TEMPUS Hey! DONNER And another thing... LIAM Donner, shut up for a minute and listen. The jury's deliberating on the case right now and unless Chocolate Treat can sway them to our side, Bippo's done for. DONNER (sigh) All right, little guy. What do you want us to do? LIAM Simple, I want you to find the one piece of evidence that will prove that Bippo is innocent. Donner covers the mouthpiece of the phone and turns to the others. DONNER He thinks Bippo's innocent! He snickers. Thad swats him. DONNER Right! One piece of evidence that will vindicate a dangerous psychopath. Got it. LIAM Don't let me down, Donner. DONNER Uh-huh. Liam hangs up and goes back into the courtroom. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Donner hangs up. DONNER Liam wants us to play like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys and figure out a way to get Bippo off the execution express. THAD Do what? DONNER We're supposed to find some little piece of evidence to show that Bippo is innocent. THAD What? That's impossible! DONNER Contrived is the word I'm looking for. TEMPUS Wait... If I remember my history, the World Trade Center bombers were caught because a forensics team found a pubic hair. Donner and Thad stares at him. THAD Dude, there's no way I'm going to look for pubic hair at the murder site. TEMPUS I'm not saying we look of pubic hair, I'm saying that we look for skin shedings, hair, sweat, blood, and maybe even semen! DONNER STOP IT!!! No more listening to the man from the future! Sure, you won't talk Wall Street with me, but when it comes to semen you won't shut up! TEMPUS You're not getting it. I suggest we venture to the murder scene. THAD All right, but if you mention bodily secretions again, I'm out of here! DONNER What kind of a future have we wrought!? INT. THE COURTROOM Judge Ito is standing by the door to the jury room. He knocks on the door angrily. JUDGE ITO Hello? Hello? Are you people still alive in there? There's a rustle from inside the room. Chocolate Treat answers the door. Her hair is mussed and her make-up is smeared. She pulls his dress back down. CHOCOLATE TREAT What is it? Oh, hi judge! JUDGE ITO What's going on in there? You've been deliberating for over twelve hours and I swear I hear screaming from in there! CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh... Uh... This is just taking a little longer than I thought. JUDGE ITO Are we dealing with a hung jury? CHOCOLATE TREAT (a beat) More so that you can imagine. Excuse me, we have a few more matters to pound out. You know, I have to examine the... penal code in this state. Chocolate Treat slams the door in Ito's face. Ito rubs his nose in pain and walks off as the sounds of moaning and screaming emanate from the room. INT. THE COURTROOM Liam is sitting with Bippo at the defense desk looking over evidence. LIAM Well, Bippo, I know you didn't do it but the evidence is really mounting against you. BIPPO Liam, just walk away. LIAM What? BIPPO Walk away, Liam. LIAM Why? BIPPO It's for the best. When I go down, I'm going to take you with me. A beat. LIAM Bippo, are you seriously telling me you did it!? Bippo is silent. LIAM Bippo, I'm one of the only friends you have. Thad, your best friend in the world is out there right now busting his balls to make you a free man and your telling us to walk away. BIPPO There's more going on than you can possible understand, he said mysteriously. LIAM What? BIPPO He squinted at his defense, Liam, he pleaded, just walk away. LIAM Why are you talking in narrative? BIPPO Bippo became annoyed and fingered the letter opener he managed to smuggle into the courtroom. LIAM Huh? BIPPO He'd been saving it for the judge, but at that moment he was exceedingly curious as to what Liam's insides looked like. LIAM Bippo, why are you...? BIPPO Hatred burned in Bippo's eyes. Why wasn't Liam taking the hint, he wondered picturing the small sharp instrument piercing the neck of his annoying defense attorney. LIAM I think I have to leave now. Liam quickly gets up and walks out the door. BIPPO Bippo was pleased. At last, he was alone. End chapter forty-two. Begin chapter forty-three. Bippo was hungry... INT. SNEDLEY B. CHEATER'S MANSION Donner, Tempus, and Thad approach a police guard who is guarding the murder scene. GUARD Halt! THAD It's all right, officer. We're here to investigate the murder. GUARD No one but authorized personnel are allowed inside the crime scene. DONNER But we're from the National Enquirer. GUARD Oh, well THAT'S different. Go on inside. They walk past him. Tempus begins walking around inspecting the carpet. TEMPUS Hmm... DONNER What? Did you find some of your precious semen or urine, you sick futuristic bastard? TEMPUS This blood on the carpet is odd. Looks like it has some sort of anticoagulant in it. Notice how is hasn't dried up and gotten crusty yet? THAD No, I hadn't noticed you sick freak. DONNER Say he's right! It's still a puddle and it's been, like, a couple of days since this Cheater guy was killed! What gives? THAD Maybe... He wasn't human!? MUSIC STING - everyone looks around. DONNER That is REALLY getting annoying. TEMPUS No, I believe that Snedly B. Cheater was indeed human, a disreputable one to be sure. Who else would have come up with those little slots on the sides of pinball machines, an evil contraption that plagues pinball enthusiasts even in the 31st century. DONNER So... You're saying I should invest in pinball stock? TEMPUS Observe the scene itself. Thad and Donner look around. THAD Tempus! Tempus! I see what you're talking about! TEMPUS You do? THAD Yeah, look at that wallpaper! Plaids with florals? YUCK! TEMPUS (getting tired of it) Actually, I was referring to the scene itself. No sign of a struggle excepts for the broken window. Are we to actually believe that Snedly B. Cheater sit sat back as happily as you please as Bippo proceeded to rip him apart with a chainsaw. Also, observe the body itself. DONNER Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Body? What the hell is the body still doing here? TEMPUS It's behind the couch. I guess the police missed it. Like I was saying, observe the body, the face is disfigured beyond all recognition, but the lack of marks around the... THAD Excuse me, could you please summarize all of this for us members of generation X with a two second attention span? TEMPUS Non-coagulating blood, no struggle, and a body rendered unidentifiable. All of this leads me to believe that... (a beat) Donner, what is that? Donner is holding a clear medical-looking plastic bag. DONNER I don't know. Found it on the floor and I needed some place to stick my gum. Tempus takes it. TEMPUS This is a blood bag circa late 1900's early 2000's! This proves my theory! THAD Cheater was murdered by a plastic bag!? TEMPUS NO!!! This is all a part of an elaborate set up to frame Bippo the Clown! INT. COURT HOUSE MEN'S BATHROOM Liam is at a sink washing his face when FLIP enters. FLIP Hello, Mister Smith. How's life as a defense attorney treating you? LIAM Harder than I thought it'd be. I mean, I studied for this... I watched Matlock and Law and Order the other day and I rented Kari Wurher's Court of Appealing Babes IV... That one was about basketball though, not that I didn't enjoy it. FLIP It's not that simple, Smith. It takes a long time to learn the law. Still, I'd give all of that up just to understand my own brother a little more. Sad, really... But what are you going to do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to take care of bid-ness. By the way, you have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Flip goes into a stall. Liam picks the paper off his shoe and starts to throw it away, but stops. LIAM (whispers) Waaaaaaait a minute. THIS isn't toilet paper, it's the note left at the crime scene! I must have tracked it in here from the evidence table. He looks at it. LIAM Oh my god, why didn't I see it before! INT. THE COURTROOM - MOMENTS LATER All of the men in the jury and Chocolate Treat have returned. The men are rubbing their sore necks, applying ointments, and stuffing ice cubes down their pants. JUDGE ITO Jury, I'm almost afraid to ask, but have you reached a verdict? JUROR #1 We find ourselves sexually inadequate! CHOCOLATE TREAT I agree. JUDGE ITO ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR SAUDRY SEX CAPADES!!! CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, but it's really interesting! JUDGE ITO Okay, later... But now we must know if you've reached a verdict. Bippo feebly raises his hand. BIPPO Uh, your honor... My defense attorney isn't back from the little boy's room. JUDGE ITO That's a good point. Here's another one: SHUT UP!!! BIPPO Shutting up, your majesty. FLIP Yeah, you tell 'em judge! BIPPO Shut up, Flippo. FLIP You shut up. BIPPO No, you! FLIP You! BIPPO No, you! JUDGE ITO Both of you shut up! I've only seen my court in more disarray once before and I will not have that happen again, understand!? Now, jury... Sentence this stupid clown to death so we can all go to lunch! A juror stands. JUROR #2 (falsetto voice, trembling) We the jury finds the defendant guilty on the count of murder. Ito smiles. JUDGE ITO Music to my ears. All right, the court sentences you, Bippo the Clown, to death in the gas chamber to be broadcast live during a fabulous pay per view special featuring Barbara Striesand in her final honest to god last concert until her next farewell tour. BIPPO Barbara Striesand!? NO!!! Cruel and unusual! Cruel and unusual! Ito prepares to bang his gavel. JUDGE ITO Court dis-- Liam bursts through the back door. LIAM STOP! JUDGE ITO -mi- LIAM I said stop! JUDGE ITO -ss- LIAM STOP, DAMMIT!!! I have new evidence to consider! Liam holds up the note. JUDGE ITO You have one minute. I'm going to miss tee time for this, I just know it. LIAM Ladies and gentlemen and you too, Chocolate Treat, this is a note supposedly written by Bippo the Clown and left at the crime scene, but if you look closer you'll see that the handwriting is vaguely different from the handwriting he wrote on this death threat three weeks ago! Liam holds up the death threat. LIAM Also, you'll see that the letterhead reads FLIP DeCLOWN ATTORNEY AT LAW! Everyone in the court gasps. LIAM You majesty, I raise the question that it was not BIPPO who killed Snedly B. Cheater, but rather his before-unknown twin brother... and, might I add, EVIL twin brother, FLIP! BIPPO (through teeth) Shut-up, Liam! LIAM Not now, Bippo. Flip has always been ashamed of his clown heritage and sought to rid himself of the last thing that reminded him of it, his brother Bippo! Liam goes over to Flip. LIAM Isn't that right, MURDERER!? Liam pokes Flip with his finger causing one of those novelty honker horns to go off. LIAM What the hell? Liam rips open Flips suit jacket and pulls out a honker horn. LIAM What the...!? Liam pulls out trick handkerchiefs. LIAM But this doesn't...! Liam pulls out a rubber chicken. LIAM Son of a...!? Liam pulls out a rubber clown nose. LIAM But what...!? FLIP You FOOL! BIPPO You're ruining everything!!! LIAM I am? Thad, Donner, and Tempus enter. DONNER Are we late? Have they gassed Bippo yet? LIAM Guys! What'd you find out!? TEMPUS Bippo was framed. Bippo and Flip roll their eyes. LIAM Doy! But how can you prove it!? TEMPUS All of the evidence seems to indicate that Snedly B. Cheater faked his own death. First, there was the non-coagulating blood, blood stolen from a blood bank only hours before. Then there was the body, a cadaver stolen from a medical school. Oh, and there's this. Thad reaches out the door, grabs something, and throws it into the room. It's SNEDLY B. CHEATER, alive and well but tied and gaged. DONNER We found him watching the trial on CNN in his guest house. BIPPO HAH! Well, not exactly the outcome I was expecting... FLIP But still, a pleasant turn of events. I must say, Bippo, we make a good team. Bippo and Flip shake hands. LIAM It's official. I'm confused. FLIP And well you should be. Excuse me for a second. Flip walks into the juror room, and immediately returns in full clown attire. FLIP Ah, that's better. LIAM Flip? FLIP Flippo the Clown at your service. My brother Bippo called me because we decided that it was time to bring that bastard Snedly B. Cheater down once and for all. BIPPO With the help of Judge Ito, of course. Thanks judge. JUDGE ITO You're welcome. Cheater has been wanted for tax evasion for years and I have always hated those little slots on the sides of pinball machines anyway. BIPPO Cheater decided that the only way he could escape us was to fake his own death. When I discovered this, I arranged to make it look like I was arrested for his murder... I knew the fink couldn't resist staying and watching the trial. DONNER You mean that you were all in on this together? BIPPO Yeah. FLIP Pretty much. JUDGE ITO Just like the O.J. trial. THAD Well, I must say that you had us all confused to the point that we had no idea what was going on! FLIP All that you need to know is that my brother and I put a stop to one man's vile scheme for world domination. SNEDLY B. CHEATER Yeah, and I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling clowns. Everyone begins to laugh. Bippo and Flip kick Snedly in the ribs a couple of times. LIAM So, Bippo... This makes you a hero, doesn't it? BIPPO Hero... Now that's a title I could get used to if I hadn't already killed the guy we planted in Cheater's house. Everyone laughs. LIAM You're kidding, right? JUDGE ITO I'll be the judge of that! Everyone laughs. Bippo secretively puts a bloody knife in Ito's pocket. BIPPO (light-heartedly) Oh Lance, you nut! FADE TO: INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT Donner enters, throws his coat in a chair and gets a drink. The DARK FIGURE appears behind him. DONNER (not looking) What do YOU want? DARK FIGURE The terms of our agreement have to be altered. Donner looks at him. DONNER Is that so? DARK FIGURE Circumstances have changed. DONNER Have they? DARK FIGURE They have. DONNER Well, if you ask me... YOU'VE become too much of a liability. DARK FIGURE Have I? DONNER You have. And what are you, a vampire? Turn some lights on! What are you trying to do? Create a dramatic effect? Donner flips on some light revealing the dark figure as CAPEMAN. CAPEMAN Aw, you ruined the mystery! DONNER We've got to stop meeting like this, musclehead. Now, what's this about changing our agreement? CAPEMAN I want to quit. Donner drops his drink. DONNER Run that by me again? CAPEMAN I want to quit... Terminate my relationship with you. DONNER You want to quit? End the team of Donner and Capeman? CAPEMAN You're a negative influence on me. DONNER I'M a negative influence on you!? You've been acting like a raving looney ever since you got hit on the head! CAPEMAN Cut me some slack! It was the MIR space station! DONNER Well, bitch, bitch, bitch! CAPEMAN My decision is final. DONNER Fine! Fine, who needs you, you looser! I'll be just Jim Dandy without you cramping my style! CAPEMAN I'm sorry. Donner makes a farting noise and motions for Capeman to leave. CAPEMAN Oh, Donner... One last thing. DONNER What? CAPEMAN Next time I'm alone with you... One of us is going to die. Capeman flies off into the night leaving Donner to mull his cryptic words. FADE OUT: THE END Please Rate
"The Trial of the Century of the Week" Sucks >> >> >> Wonderful!

Results