The Liam Smith Show Episode 2.36 - Bad Blood Written by Phil Moyer and Dustin Kaster PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW: --------------------------------------------------- Episode 2.16 - "Capeman: The Fury of P.E.N.I.S." CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam, I want your penis! --------------------------------------------------- And now, the conclusion... INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT It is a beautiful Las Vegas day. The sun is shining brightly. LIAM SMITH is asleep. There is a knock on the door. It is THAD COFFEY and BIPPO THE CLOWN. LIAM Go away. THAD Wake up Liam. We're going to be late for the juggling competition. LIAM I can't believe I got talked into going to a juggling competition on a Saturday morning. Liam has a picture of Kari Wuhrer stuck to his hand. LIAM That's the last time I fall asleep gluing pictures in my scrapbook. BIPPO Get up! If I miss Arnold Stevenson, the best juggler in the world, I'll be very mad. He can juggle his own weight. LIAM Alright. I'm coming. Liam opens the door. THAD Morning Vegas! LIAM Vegas? THAD You know, your nickname. Cause you live in Las Vegas. LIAM Well so do you. BIPPO Shut up and get dressed, Mickey Mouse undies boy! LIAM Fine. INT. JUGGLING COMPETITION Tourists who were hoping to see an actual attraction like Neil Diamond, are packed wall to wall to see the juggling competition. Arnold Stevenson is just about to begin juggling. BIPPO Whew, just in time. Liam, looks like today you learn what it is to truly live. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing entertainment, Arnold Stevenson! He will now be juggling four bowling balls! ARNOLD Here I go… opps! Arnold misses a bowling ball and it goes hurtling into the stands. The camera focuses on Liam as the bowling ball hits him in the head. BIPPO Oh my God! Look at the blood! THAD Call an ambulance! THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Starring Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" and John Ryhs-Davies as "Professor Arturo" Also Starring Cameron Diaz as "Stacy VaVoom" Michael Nelson as "Thad Coffey" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Rupaul as "Chocolate Treat" Guest Starring David Hopper As Drew Fangtastic Al Franken As "Arnold Stevenson" Tina Fey As "Nurse" Neil Diamond As "Neil Diamond" Introducing Phil Moyer as "Dr. Lomyr H. Pie" and Dustin Kaster as "Dr. Knit U. Dasster" INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Liam is lying in bed beginning to wake up. LIAM Uh… what happened? Where am I? Why am I naked? Enter DR. KNIT U. DASSTER and DR. LOMYR H. PIE. DR. DASSTER Relax, that's normal procedure. But I'm afraid you'll never use your penis again. LIAM Oh my God no! I'm getting married soon! DR. DASSTER We also took a sample of your stool. LAIM Why? I don't even know what my stool is? DR. DASSTER Because Dr. Pie and I…hey, that rhymes. Oh, we like to say the word 'stool'. DR. PIE Hee hee. And it also seems that you have had a near death experience. LIAM Again? That can't be right. DR. DASSTER Ooops! We're looking at the wrong chart. Can you believe we're doctors? DR. PIE Yeah and we get paid to do this! DR. DASSTER It looks like you've lost a lot of blood. You're going to need a defusion… or something. The NURSE enters. NURSE Doctors, we already gave him a blood transfusion. DR. PIE Oh that means we don't have to do anything. DR. DASSTER Is this even our patient? Maybe we should find the guy who this chart belongs to, broken penis guy. He's in for a shock. DR. PIE I think we're on the wrong floor again. Let's wait 10 minutes, and then we'll find penis man. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM Bippo is sitting down reading People magazine. ARTURO, STACEY VAVOOM, and CHOCOLATE TREAT enter. ARTURO We just heard the news and came over right away. Is Liam okay? BIPPO I think so. Sheesh, this really makes you think, doesn't it? STACY Life is too short; you should live it to the fullest. BIPPO No, I was thinking about how People magazine sucks. CHOCOLATE TREAT Thank God Liam is okay. I was crying the whole way over here. I'm going to the men's room to clean up. STACY Don't you mean the LADIE'S room? CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, of course. The men's room is probably filthy. Good idea, Stacy. EXIT Chocolate Treat. ENTER TRIUMPH. TRIUMPH …for me to poop on! STACY What are you talking about? I guess you heard about poor Liam's accident? TRIUMPH Liam was in an accident? I didn't know that. I come here every Saturday to entertain the children. We share drinks, smokes, and a whole lot of fun. ARTURO Clearly Triumph has a heart of gold. ENTER CAPEMAN CAPEMAN I was at the juggling competition; I saw the whole thing. I flew over as soon as Arnold finished his act. BIPPO You saw the rest of his act? Damn it! What did I miss? CAPEMAN He juggled twelve scarves at once. His whole body was a blur. And then he juggled a live cow. STACY Only one? I'm glad I didn't go. BIPPO Hey! Capeman holds Bippo back until he calms down. STACY Capeman, you have to sign in over there to be in the waiting room. CAPEMAN Oh, okay. Capeman signs the sheet. Stacy looks at it. STACY You wrote 'Capeman'. You can't do that. You have to sign your real name. It's the law or something. CAPEMAN It is? Well… okay. Capeman signs his name again. STACY This should cheer Liam up when I tell him I found out who Capeman really is. ARTURO I can't help but be curious myself. What does it say? STACY It's so sloppy, I can hardly read it. I think it says 'Fenton McQuack', but I can't be sure. Oh well, it was a nice try. CAPEMAN I came down to see if Liam is okay and you try to find out my secret identity. How could you? I'm leaving. EXIT Capeman Chocolate Treat returns from the bathroom. CHOCOLATE TREAT I can't wait any longer. Let's go see Liam right now. ARTURO I agree. INT. LIAM'S HOSPITAL ROOM Liam, Dr. Dasster, and Dr. Pie are all sitting around talking with each other. DR. PIE So I said "Hippocratic oath my ass! I'm not going anywhere near that thing!" They all laugh. DR. DASSTER You think that story was good? Let us tell you about how we graduated medical school with a 1.1 GPA. You're really going to love this one, Vegas. LIAM Why are you calling me Vegas? DR. DASSTER Are you as stupid as us? You live in Las Vegas. Duh. LIAM But so do YOU! DR. PIE But you're just such a bland person that it's funny to call you that. There was a knock on the door. On the other side of the door is Arturo, Bippo, Stacy, Chocolate Treat, and Triumph. CHOCOLATE TREAT Let us in. We demand to see Liam right now. LIAM Don't, I'm naked in here! Chocolate Treat rushes into the room. CHOCOLATE TREAT Don't worry. It's nothing I haven't seen before. Awww, it's sooo cute. Liam quickly covers himself up with the blanket. ARTURO How are you feeling Liam? LIAM I'm okay, but these two whack job doctors won't give me my clothes back. DR. DASSTER Haha, you said whack job. That's us. We are his physicians. I am Dr. Knit U. Dasster. This is my sidekick Dr. Lomyr H. Pie. DR. PIE Hey, who are you calling the sidekick? DR. DASSTER Anywho, your friend has lost a lot of blood. We had to give him three pints of blood. ENTER Thad THAD He has three pints of Thad, American's finest. I feel dizzy. ARTURO Thank heavens you and Mr. Smith have the same blood type. DR. PIE Of course they have the same blood type. It's not like we give transfusions with goat blood… anymore. ARTURO Doctors, you do realize that there are different types of human blood, don't you? DR. DASSTER …shut up. You just can't invent things. ARTURO You fools, if Liam receives the wrong blood type it could be fatal. However, if he did not have a reaction by now, I suppose he'll be fine. Liam dies. DR. PIE Wait, his blinky line TV thingy is moving yet. I think that means something. Liam is still alive. But begins to go into wild convulsions. DR. DASSTER Oh my God this is cool! This is why I became a doctor. STACY Good lord, look at the hair growing out his bald head!…Why was his head shaved? DR. PIE Standard procedure. We shave everyone everywhere. Liam jumps out of bed. He has big fangs and has hair growing from everywhere. LIAM Growl! Liam jumps on Arturo and starts biting him. ARTURO I'm fat, I'll be okay until his bites penetrate my fatty layers! STACY Someone do something! We're in love! CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam, I want your penis. BIPPO Good thing you sent Capeman away, Stacy. STACY Shut up. TRIUMPH I'll stop Liam. Soon he will be just something for me to poop on! Triumph fights Liam until Liam collapses. Triumph poops on Liam. TRIUMPH Har har! All too easy! STACY That's gross. THAD Wow, it looks like Liam just wolfed out. That's my trademark move! I demand an explanation. What did you doctors do? DR. DASSTER Beats us. ARTURO Allow me to explain. It's quite simple really. You see, Thad has a substance in his blood which gives him the ability to be a werewolf. This substance has no name, so let's call them midichlorians. BIPPO Tee hee. ARTURO When Thad gave Liam the blood transfusion… DR. PIE Defusion. ARTURO Uh-Yeah. This transferred the midichlorians into Liam. Thus, now Liam is a Werewolf, but Thad is not. It's that easy. Of course Liam is not fully a werewolf which is why Triumph was able to defeat him. The fact that Liam is a pansy probably helped too. THAD I'm not a werewolf anymore? ARTURO Yes, you should be happy. STACY But what about Liam? ARTURO Naturally, he's screwed. Let's slap a werewolf patch on him and go home to the apartments. ---------------------------------------- Commercial It's the one night when Hollywood pretends to like country music. The Country Music Awards, tonight at 8! ---------------------------------------- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT. Stacy and Bippo are sitting around watching TV. Liam is on the couch and begins to wake up. BIPPO How are you doing Vegas? LIAM I am feeling great. Truly my friend, it is a dog's life. This has really been a great turning point in my life. Now I can just sit at home and scratch myself all day. STACY Liam, you need to shave. You look terrible. BIPPO How can you stand all that hair? LIAM Sure in some places I have more hair than I know what to do with, but over all I'm pleased. For the first time in my life I have chest hair! And with these teeth I can chew a milk bone in like two seconds flat. INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad and the Professor are talking. THAD I just don't think I can do it Professor. I can't go on living if I'm not a werewolf. Remember the kid who played Eddie Munster? Look at what happened to him when he stopped being a werewolf. ARTURO Thad, don't talk like that. I realize that this has been an important part of your life for the past few years. But don't think of it as losing part of your life. Think of what you're gaining. You're a normal member of the human race again. Sure you're losing a great conversation starter for dinner parties, but now there won't be any more moonlight hooker snacks. Don't tell me that waking up with dead hooker breath wasn't embarrassing. THAD I'll say it was. I've had my fair share of run-ins with the SPCA. ARTURO Keep going. I'm sure there are more bad memories. THAD And there was that time someone entered me in the Westminster dog show. ARTURO And…? THAD And there were all of the times when someone walked into my room and caught me licking myself in less than appropriate places. ARTURO And that Doogen fellow shouldn't be after you anymore. That's good. THAD We got off to a bad start. I have a feeling he'd still try to kill me. ARTURO Oh. Well, you'll never get worms again. That's good isn't it? THAD Yeah! ARTURO There you go boy. You're convinced now. THAD That's right. Thanks Professor for helping me to realize that I must do whatever necessary to become a werewolf again! ARTURO You're wel- wait -aw, forget it. Thad reaches into the trash. THAD If I just start using these werewolf patches again I can grow a dependency to them. I bet I can wear about twenty five of them at once. Arturo exits. KEVIN RILEY enters. KEVIN Yo, man, I came over as soon as I got the call. I brought my makeup bag. THAD Okay Kevin, it's time to make me into a werewolf. The song 'Who Let the Dogs Out?' begins to play. THAD Kevin, make me look like a werewolf again. KEVIN You got it. But can we turn off that gay music first? THAD No. It's essential to setting the mood. Let me out of my cage baby. KEVIN Okay… Let's see what fine Mary Kay cosmetics I can find for you in my makeup bag. Prostethic hair is a must. I'm not sure what to do to make the skin on your whole body dog colored. A few layers of this fake tan lotion might do the trick. And this stuff will be great for your face. THAD Mascara? KEVIN Yeah. It's called 'Quiet Night's Sand,' but believe me, it's dog colored. I use it on my dog all the time, and she loves it. THAD Oh, well if you use it on your dog I guess I can use it too. KEVIN And this next item has nothing to do with dogs, but you just HAVE TO use this lipstick. THAD I draw the line at lipstick. KEVIN But it's the perfect shade for you. THAD I guess I'll try anything once. Thad looked at the mirror while he put on the lipstick. THAD Holy crap, I look great! Do you think anyone will be able to notice that I'm wearing lipstick? KEVIN Can you tell that I'M wearing lipstick? THAD Dude! Hook me up with some more of this stuff. KEVIN I'm all done. What do you think? THAD I might pass for an oversized sewer rat. Thanks for the lipstick at least. I was afraid I would have to do this. The only way to become a werewolf again is to get my blood back. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM Wee hee hee! Look at me Stacy! I have fleas! (to flees) Come my little hungry friends. Crawl on me. LIVE ON ME! STACY Liam, keep it down! I'm trying to make a phone call! Stacy dials a phone number while she mumbles 'Please be home, please be home, please be home.' The answering machine clicks on. ANSWERING MACHINE Hello. You've reached the Capeman Crisis Hotline. I'm screening my phone calls right now, but if you are willing to pay large sums of money to me to solve a crisis, please leave a message after the beep and I'll get to you as soon as possible. If this is Stacy VaVoom calling, GET OUT OF MY LIFE OR I WILL KILL YOU! Have a nice day. Stacy hangs up. STACY Darn it. I think Capeman is still mad at me for trying to discover his secret identity earlier today. LIAM There's a reason that he has a SECRET identity, you know. Sometimes you can be such an asshole Stacy. STACY ME? I only did it once. You've tried to find his identity tons of times. You would have done the same thing if you hadn't been passed out in the hospital room. Enter DREW FANGTASTIC FANGTASTIC Liam, I heard about the situation involving your blood. I am sorry. It must be terrible to have WEREWOLF blood. I speak from experience when I say I know how you feel. LIAM This has happened to you? FANGTASTIC Yes, how do you think I got this accent? Ha ha, just kidding. I just came over to tell you that now I hate you because you're a werewolf. You will now receive weekly beatings from me. Let's set a schedule right now, it's easier than me sneaking up to you in a dark alley. How are your Mondays? LIAM Well, I have work. And then there's the CBS comedy lineup at night, so that's no good. The weekend is no good either. How about Thursdays? FANGTASTIC I watch the 'Will and Grace' show. I just love homosexual comedy. Tuesday? LIAM Yeah, Tuesday is good. Enter Dr. Lomyr H. Pie and Dr. Knit U. Dasster DR. PIE Hey everybody! LIAM Doctors! Are you making a house call or something? DR. DASSTER Ha ha, yeah right. No, we're looking for Thad. STACY His apartment is down the hall. DR. DASSTER Thanks. Hey Lomyr, look! It's Fangtastic! FANGTASTIC Hello my friends. STACY Fangtastic, you know these two quacks? FANGTASTIC Yes, of course. I was visiting the hospital morgue to do some blood sucking, and these two were doing all kinds of strange things to do to the dead bodies. DR. PIE Yeah, we've had a lot of crazy times in the hospital morgue. We've spent countless hours admitting bodies into the morgue. And I tell you what, no matter how many times you do it, it's always a miracle. Thad enters. THAD Dr. Pie, Dr. Dasster, come on. My apartment is this way. DR. DASSTER Bye everybody! FANGTASTIC Oh Thad. I wanted you to know I don't hate you anymore… at least not for being a werewolf. THAD No more beatings? FANGTASTIC That's right. THAD Really? Not even just one more for old times sake? FANGTASTIC Well… alright. I'll come over then. THAD Thanks. See you guys. Exit Thad, Dr. Pie, and Dr. Dasster LIAM Was it just me, or was Thad wearing lipstick? INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad sat on a chair and Dr. Dasster and Dr. Pie shared the couch. They were listening intently while smoking their pipes. DR. PIE So what you're saying is that you want us to give you a blood defusion from Liam with out him knowing. THAD Yes. It's the only way to get my werewolf blood back again. DR. DASSTER What kind of whacky doctors do you think we are? THAD Well... DR. DASSTER No, I'm kidding. We'll do it. INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM It was night. The door slowly creaked open. Three pairs of feet slowly tiptoed inside. THAD (whispering) Watch your step. He always denies it, but sometimes Liam plays with his Match Box cars in here.) IT WAS TOO LATE. DR. DASSTER AND DR. PIE BOTH SLIP ON THE CARS AND HIT THEIR HEADS. PIE AND DASSTER OUCH! THAD Shhh! DR. PIE Sheesh. What kind of grown man plays with Match Box cars? DR. DASSTER: . . . Do you think we have time to play with the cars quick? He has a ramp set up a ramp and everything. DR. PIE Yeah, A RAMP! THAD NO! Now let's get this bloody exchange over with. DR. PIE If quick is what you want, we'll set up four 'blood pipes' at once. That should drain Liam's blood at a rate of one pint each 5.4 seconds. They tried to insert Liam with four needles simultaneously. Liam wakes up screaming. LIAM OUCH! DR. DASSTER The patient is awake! Sedate him! Dr. Pie smashes a lamp over Liam's head. LIAM Ouch! That hurt even more! DR. PIE It didn't work. Hit him in the head with that chair. Dr. Dasster tries to pick up the chair. DR. DASSTER It's too heavy. Dr. Pie and Dr. Dasster each grab a side of the chair and drop it right on top on Liam who is still laying in his bed. LIAM Hey, that's really heavy! What are you trying to do? DR. PIE Ouch! You dropped it on my fingers! DR. DASSTER No, you dropped it on MY fingers! OUCH! THAD Is it really that safe to be getting this much blood this fast! OUCH! There was a knock on the bedroom door. Arturo, Stacy, and Chocolate Treat enter Liam's apartment wearing their robes. ARTURO What's going on? We heard screaming. Dr. Dasster walks outside of the bedroom to explain. DR. DASSTER Don't worry. My associate and I are simply doing a medical experiment. ARTURO Don't worry? You must be kidding Dr. Disaster? DR. DASSTER It's Dass-ter. Saying someone's name wrong is not funny. CHOCOLATE TREAT That suddenly reminds me of Mr. Hilter. STACY You mean the way that people called him Hitler. CHOCOLATE TREAT No, it just made me wonder 'what ever happened to Mr. Hilter's bird?' INT. Bippo's apartment Bippo was feeding a bird some food pellets. BIPPO Yes, eat up you beautiful bird. Soon you will be ripe for the roasting. Bwahahahaha! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT DR. DASSTER So as I said, everything is just fine. Dr. Pie steps out of the bedroom. DR. PIE Hey Knit, we have a problem. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS An ambulance drives away while ARTURO, STACY, CHOCOLATE TREAT, DR. DASSTER and DR. PIE stand outside. DR. DASSTER We meant well. ---------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER Now in stores everywhere from a fan of Anne McAffrey, the new book 'Dragon Book.' Yes, if you love dragon books then you'll love Dragon Book. Dragon, dragon, dragon! Book, book, book! You can hardly think of dragon with out thinking 'Dragon Book.' Can't you see that you MUST HAVE THIS BOOK! Go buy it now for the dragon-a lific price of only $34.99. 'DRAGON BOOK'! ---------------------------------------- INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Liam and Thad are laying in separate hospital beds, side by side. Also in the room are Arturo, Stacy, Chocolate Treat, Dr. Dasster and Dr. Pie. DR. PIE I guess it all worked out for the best in the end. THAD No it didn't! You guys suck! Liam's still a werewolf, and I got the blood from Liam that makes him a loser. ARTURO It is ironic that while trying to become yourself again, you became a completely different person. THAD Shut up Fatboy! ARTURO All that I'm saying is that the two of you have somehow exchanged memories, habits, and other things that made you yourselves. You may as well save yourselves some time and trade lives. DR. DASSTER Unless you want us to take one last try at fixing it. LIAM No! No, I think we're stuck like this. THAD I can feel it. I'm becoming Liam. Suddenly I have an urge to watch a Kari Wuhrer porno. STACY Liam, you told me you were over her! LIAM Sorry, but it takes time to get over a woman you worship. It's like taking off of a band-aid. You have to do it slowly so it doesn't hurt. Speaking of band-aids, are you doctors going to clot my bleeding? THAD Don't worry Stacy. I also sense very strong feelings for you too. Do you know what this means? We have to get married! STACY I don't think so! THAD Can't you see that we're in love! LIAM Darn it, he's right Stacy. You may have my girl Thad, but I can humiliate you by revealing some of the secrets that you've been hiding from us. For example, you have a crush on Sabrina Lloyd! THAD Um, that's ridiculous. LIAM It's the only way to explain these constant urges to watch Sports Night. Does watching Sports Night give you the same feelings that I get when I watch one of Kari's pornos? You make me sick! CHCOCOLATE TREAT Liam, I don't care who's blood you have. I still want you. LIAM Damn it! ENTER Bippo and Arnold Stevenson BIPPO Guess what? I told Arnold Stevenson about the little fiasco that happened all because of that mishap when he was juggling the bowling balls, and he's agreed to make it up to you by putting on a private show. ARNOLD How does juggling chainsaws sound? LIAM Well, we're really not into juggling anymore, that's more along Bippo's interests. What would be really cool is to see an extreme yo yo performer. I heard they can walk the dog through a ring of fire. BIPPO Shut up Vegas, you love jugglers! Go ahead Mr. Stevenson. ARNOLD I'll be calling on my new assistant to help me with this juggling trick. Could you come in here Neil? Enter NEIL DIAMOND NEIL DIAMOND Hello everyone. ARNOLD Yes, for my first trick I will be juggling Neil Diamond. STACY Wow, Mr. Diamond, I've always been a fan. ARTURO It is truly an honor to meet you. NEIL DIAMOND Well thank you very much. You are too kind. ARNOLD STEVENSON Neil… I should have known this wouldn't work out. You're supposed to be my assistant, and you keep trying to steal the show! It's got to stop. We're through! NEIL DIAMOND Arnold, please be reasonable. You know I'm a huge juggling fan. We make a great team. The crowds come to see you, not me. ARNOLD Get out! Neil Diamond left. ARNOLD I'm sorry you had to see that. Now, my first trick. I'll warn you now that I never tried this before so I'll be wearing this lead suit. But you people should be safe as long as you stay an arm's length away. Arnold turns on all of the chainsaws and begins to juggle. But things begin to go terrible wrong. All of the chainsaws collide in the air and there is a huge flash of light. ARTURO Is everyone alright? THAD I feel like myself again. I have my blood back again. LIAM Me too. But how? It doesn't make sense. Professor, you're smart. What happened? ARTURO Oh, well obviously the gravitational pull of the chainsaws reacted with a solar flare reflecting off of Saturn, causing an electro magnetic field that -aw, heck, I don't know. Can't we all just be happy things are normal again? ENTER Nurse NURSE So you're back 'doctors.' Well get out before I call security. I checked the doctor roster and there is no Dr. Pie or Dr. Dasster that works at St. Peter's Memorial Hospital. DR. PIE Of course Dr. Dasster. We're not on the wrong floor. We're in the wrong hospital. We work in Peter Gabriel's Carnival Hospital. DR. DASSTER Silly us. Hey, let's go give each other blood excussions. DR. PIE Defusion! 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