THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
SEASON FINALE
Episode 2.36 - "Much Ado About Knotting"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT It is completely dark. In the darkness, we can hear scuffling and quiet talking. Suddenly, a voice that is obviously ARTURO's speaks up. ARTURO Okay! Here he comes! Shhh! Shhh! The door opens and we see a silhouette standing in the doorway. Suddenly, the lights come on and Arturo, THAD, BIPPO, ELVIS, DONNER, TRIUMPH, and TEMPUS jump out from behind furniture. EVERYONE SURPRISE!!! THAD What the hell? Standing at the doorway is a man wearing the traditional garb of a robber complete with mask and bag that has a dollar sign on it. BIPPO Oh, that's not Liam! It's Hogey the neighborhood crackhead! HOGEY is confused and probably under the influence. HOGEY Is it my birthday? BIPPO Hogey, you can rob Liam later! We're trying to give him a surprise bachelor party. LIAM enters. LIAM You're doing what now? Everyone moans. ELVIS Well, this was a fiasco. LIAM What is this? TRIUMPH Oh, it's a surprise bachelor party, but everyone else here screwed it up. Dumbasses HOGEY Uh, Happy Birthday Liam! LIAM Well, I appreciate the thought guys, but with all that's happened over the past two years what with the death and explosions and stuff... There's very little left that can surprise me. There is a knock at the window. Liam opens the curtains to reveal THE JUSTICE SQUAD: ULTRAWOMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK, NIGHTFLYER, CAPTAIN SPAZ, and BLUE FAIRY. COLOSSAL CHUNK Hi Liam. LIAM Whu...!? ULTRAWOMAN Liam Smith, on behalf of the Justice Squad and in gratitude for your service during the P.E.N.I.S. crisis, we are here to give you a wedding gift. LIAM Bah...!? Nightflyer hands him a box. NIGHTFLYER Here you go. BLUE FAIRY It's a blender! Enjoy! NIGHTFLYER Oh gee, great surprise gift we HAD! Can't you people keep a secret? BLUE FAIRY Sorry Willard. NIGHTFLYER GAH! All of the Justice Squad leap out the window except for Ultrawoman who stands there in front of a speechless Liam. ULTRAWOMAN Congratulations, Liam. I'm sure whoever snagged you is a lucky girl. She kisses his forehead. Bippo jumps to her side. BIPPO I'M still available ULTRAWOMAN That doesn't surprise me. Ultrawoman flies away. Liam is still stunned. BIPPO Lesbian, obviously. (beat) So, who wants cake? FADE OUT: ----- THEME SONG (sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons") Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Show! It don't air on the TV! Just right here on the net! No networks would touch this thing, and that is a real sure bet! Don't you go and get depressed! An internet show's more fun! A lot of what you see is up to you, Just use your imagination! Hey you better perk up! (better perk up!) 'Cause it's time... (you better perk up!) ...for the internet show that's one of a kind! You better perk up! (better perk up!) Don't you know? (better perk up!) It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow! OLÉ! ------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Guest Starring

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

Dolph Lundgen
as
"Tank"

Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"

Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"

David Peckenpah
as
"Satan"

Scrappy Doo

and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Special Guest Stars

Fabio
as
"Fabio"

and
Bette Midler ----- INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy and Doris are having tea. STACY So, Chocolate Treat still angry? DORIS Absolutely livid, dear. You've stolen the object of her affection, after all. Stacy has picked up a newspaper. STACY (scoffs) Object of infatuation is more like it. Hell, the only reason she wants Liam is because he's one of the last dozen or so men in the city she hasn't bagged yet. Well, she can just get over it... I'm marrying Liam tomorrow and that's that. DORIS Exactly. What are you doing? STACY Oh, just looking for our wedding announcement... AH! Here it is! The Smith/VaVoom wedding. Right next to the Plenty/O'Toole wedding and the Hungry/Johnson wedding. Look at that picture... We're a regular Romeo and Juliet... Roy and Dale... DORIS Beauty and the Beast. STACY Do what? DORIS I said, "Would you like some more tea?". INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE The newspaper hits the desk, the picture of Stacy and Liam can be seen. The camera pans up to reveal SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS. SENESTRA Boys, tell me what you see. Camera pans over to reveal ROCK and TANK. TANK D'ah, there's a sale at Pennys? SENESTRA Yes, a notable event to be sure since my shoe supply has dropped to 456 pairs, but that is not the reason I called your attention to today's paper... Look closer. Senestra hits Tank with the newspaper causing the print to come off on his face like silly putty. Rock reads the print on Tank's face. ROCK HEY! I see it now! That little Liam Smith guy's getting married! SENESTRA (her face darkens) Yesssss... Liam Smith.... Liam Smith who time and time again has foiled my plans for world domination through his inane and inconceivably good luck. GAR!!! I could KILL him! An idea. SENESTRA Of course... Why didn't I think of that before? That little snot's foiled my plans so many times, why NOT kill him and be done with him once and for all? TANK D'ah, couldn't you just fire him? SENESTRA No, I promised in his new contract I wouldn't fire him... But actual termination of life process was never mentioned. Heh, heh, heh.... ROCK! Rock snaps to attention. ROCK Ma'am, yes SIR! SENESTRA It's time to remove Liam Smith from the company of the living... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!!! INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONEROOM SATAN, SCRAPPY, and KATHY HILTER are there. SATAN WHAT!? How could this get by me!? I SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED!!! SCRAPPY What? All I said was that Andromeda got a second season. No need to get all testy! SATAN You're right, Scrappy... I guess I'm a little on edge since I found out that my hated nemesis, Liam Smith, was getting married to a red hot megababe and since he's protected by divine luck, he's probably going to live happily ever after... KATHY Ah, but there's that "live" word again. SATAN Kathy, my dear... You don't understand. I'VE tried to kill Liam Smith, Fluffy the Hamster tried to kill Liam Smith, even Scrappy tried to kill Liam Smith but all of us failed. KATHY I have a theory... SATAN What is it? KATHY It's a conjecture derived from all known data, but that's not important right now. What if Liam's luck is like a defensive shield that comes on everytime he senses evil? SCRAPPY Like when Spider-man's spider-sense tingles? SATAN Scrappy, that is the most stupid and juvenile thing I've ever heard! (to Kathy) So it's like a spider-sense? KATHY There's only one way to find out... Let's me go and try to rid us of him. He still doesn't know that I am in your sway. SATAN (a smile) Yes... And that ignorance - compounded with his additional ignorance and coupled with ignorance that he is ignorant of having - will be his undoing. Kathy, you have my permission. KATHY Excellent. SCRAPPY Kiss ass. KATHY What? SCRAPPY I said, "Kick his ass!" INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT The bachelor party is in full swing. Liam is talking to DONNER LIAM So, you arranged this? DONNER I am the best man, Liam! Of course I handled it! LIAM So, you've been gone off and on for the last few months. How's life been treating you? DONNER Eh, okay I guess. LIAM How's Capeman? I forwarded an invitation to him through you. Do you think he'll show up at the wedding? DONNER Beats the hell out of me. He quit a couple of days ago. LIAM Capeman quit? Why? DONNER I dunno... I guess the greedy SOB didn't like giving me a cut of his take and he's going to go freelance now. He's been acting all funny ever since MIR landed on him. LIAM MIR landed on him!? What are you going to do? DONNER Well, I've still got a healthy nest egg and the mind of a genius I'm renting for a reasonable price. I'll come up with other ways to make money. Capeman... Tuh! Who needs him! Bippo comes out of the bedroom carrying a giant cake behind him on a wagon. BIPPO Ladies and gentlemen, the entertainment in here! THAD All right! It's boner time! BIPPO Friends and other people I know, I am tickled pink to present Miss Strippy 1999, Leatha Weapons! Bippo gestures to the cake and there is a TAH-DAH fanfare. For the longest time, nothing happens as Bippo continues his "tah-dah" pose pointing towards the cake. Bippo smiles broadly, takes a step back, and knocks on the cake. No answer. Bippo frowns and takes the top off the cake causing a huge plume of steam and smoke to come out. Bippo fans the smoke and looks inside. BIPPO Oops. LIAM What? BIPPO Nothing. LIAM What is it, Bippo? What'd you do wrong? BIPPO Wrong? Oh, Liam... That's such a harsh word. I prefer to think of it as a learning experience. LIAM Well, in that case, what'd you learn? BIPPO Bake the cake first and THEN put the girl inside. (a beat) Who wants a corner piece? INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY - THE NEXT DAY Liam, Bippo, Thad, and Donner are there dressed in tuxedoes. The Lobby itself is decked out in wedding decorations and, in the seats in the background, all of the main cast and supporting players are sitting waiting for the wedding to start. THAD Boy, what a night! BIPPO Yeah, I can't believe that Stacy called off the wedding after she saw the stripper's underwear on your head. LIAM Yeah, but then I showed her how macho I was by standing up to the neighborhood bully. DONNER Who kicked your ass. LIAM Making Stacy feel sorry for me and take me back. BIPPO (to camera) Aren't you glad we skipped all that crap? THAD Boy, they've really fixed up the lobby for your wedding, Liam. LIAM Indeed they have. Look at all this stuff. The professor actually put in a fountain with doves and everything. And look at that! The professor even put in a skyscraper. They all look and see a six-story building inside the lobby marked BOOK DEPOSITORY. DONNER Wow, this place is roomier than it looks. Arturo walks by. LIAM Hey, professor! ARTURO Yes, Liam? LIAM Look, I appreciate all of the work you put into this wedding and it's not that I'm ungrateful, but what's with the Book Depository? Arturo looks. ARTURO Now, where did that come from? BIPPO You didn't put that in? ARTURO No, it must have popped up sometime over night. How odd. A pause ARTURO Oh well. Arturo walks off. INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY - SIXTH FLOOR Rock and Tank are putting away boxes that say BUILD YOUR OWN BOOK DEPOSITORY IN 12 EASY STEPS. Senestra walks up leafing through WAR AND PEACE. SENESTRA Nice work, boys. ROCK D'ah, thank you! TANK Yeah, you've got your own book suppository building. SENESTRA Book suppository... I'll keep that in mind if things go wrong today and I need someone to blame. Rock! Tank! The time has come to rid us of Liam Smith! Give me my gun! TANK Gun? ROCK What gun? SENESTRA (slumps) The gun I asked you to bring up here. The gun I intend to use to drive a bullet into Liam Smith's head splattering the gray material that passes for his brain all over his bride to be? Rock and Tank shrug. Senestra holds up the book. SENESTRA Bend over. Suddenly, there is a clatter behind them. They whirl around to see GARY THE FANBOY behind them. SENESTRA GAH! Who are you? GARY I'm Gary the Fanboy. Am I walking into something kinky here? SENESTRA WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MAH DE-POS-EH TORY!? GARY Well, I just saw this place and thought that it would give me the perfect shot. SENESTRA Shot? GARY Yes, you see... I'm here to kill Liam Smith. SENESTRA (smiles) You are? GARY Yeah... That's MY girl down there he's marrying and I'm here to stop it! SENESTRA Reeeeeeally? GARY Yeah, let me show you what I'm using. Gary takes out a STAR TREK style phaser. GARY I had to buy a hundred playmates action figures... Picard in command uniform... Picard in blue uniform... Picard in captain's jacket uniform... Picard in Troi's uniform... Finally, I got enough proofs of purchases to get this. SENESTRA Well, in THAT case... Set phasers to kill and may the force be with you! Gary looks at Senestra and shakes his head. GARY The force? You just... don't get it, do you? INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Liam is fidgeting. Thad goes to him. THAD Nervous? LIAM Yeah. THAD Well, don't worry... You and Stacy are going to make a wonderful couple. LIAM I'm just so nervous! This is such a big step! No more swinging bachelor days with you and Bippo! THAD Yeah, we may actually be able to talk to girls now. The Wedding March fanfare begins to play. Donner runs over to Liam. DONNER It's go time, bro! LIAM Eep! DONNER Come on, man! This is your day! You're getting married to a lady I'd bag in a second. THAD In other words, about eighty percent of the female population? DONNER As opposed to ninety-nine percent of the canine population, I don't think YOU'VE got any room to talk, Odie. THAD You bas-- DONNER C'mon, Liam! Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo take their places. TRIUMPH walks down the aisle throwing rose petals out. TRIUMPH I'm the flower dog. So kill me if there aren't enough female characters! DORIS walks down the aisle serving as Maid of Honor along with two bridesmaids holding signs that say FRIEND OF STACY'S THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. As they walk through the door, one of them is grabbed by a hand. After a few seconds of scuffling and punching sounds, KATHY HILTER emerges wearing the dress. The ever-alert crowd doesn't notice. The procession takes their places. The Wedding March begins to play and ARTURO and STACY appear. Arturo begins walking Stacy down the aisle and towards Liam and the rest of the procession. Stacy is absolutely beautiful and radiant as the camera follows her down the aisle. Suddenly, she stops, looks down at the bottom of her shoe and looks at Triumph in disgust. Finally, after scraping her foot on the carpet, they reach the alter where ELVIS awaits. ELVIS Dearly beloved... And you too, Donner... We're gathered here today to celebrate the union of Liam J. Smith and Stacy Vah VaVoom. Who gives the bride away? Arturo goes to speak, but then begins sobbing. STACY He does. ELVIS Okay. Professor, get a hold of yourself man! This is a wedding, for God's sake! Arturo nods and sits down in the front row next to KEVIN RILEY. ARTURO (to Kevin) Wedding's always make me cry. KEVIN I've always found that Onions make me cry. That and Titanic. ARTURO Freak. KEVIN At least I'm not a blubbering ninny. ARTURO I can't help it if I am a sensitive man, you blistering idiot!? Camera pulls back to reveal that everyone at the alter is looking at them. LIAM Guys? You mind? We're kinda in the middle of something here. INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY Gary is taking aim with his phaser as Senestra, Rock, and Tank look on. SENESTRA Ooooo, if you blow Liam Smith's head off, you will be my second in command! I can feel it! GARY Mazeltov! CHOCOLATE TREAT And Mazeltov to you too! GARY GAH! Chocolate Treat, what are you doing here? CHOCOLATE TREAT Probably the same thing you and Miss Malevolous are. My hearts been crushed by Liam and I'm here to see that never happens again. Chocolate Treat gets out a nasty looking sniper shotgun. GARY Where'd you get THAT!? CHOCOLATE TREAT Sharper Image. SENESTRA Well, my dear... Uh... Dear? She looks over at Rock and Tank. Tank shrugs, but Rock waves and smiles at Chocolate Treat. SENESTRA Enough of this! Gary, finish the job! GARY Give me a second to calibrate INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Liam and Stacy are standing side by side as Elvis performs the ceremony. ELVIS Ah, marriage... the sacred bond that holds us all together, or at least the bond that holds two people together... men and women mostly, but the same sex marriages are legal in a few states. I just want to say how happy I am that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Elvis' words are obscured as Liam and Stacy look into each other's eyes. STACY (thinking) Can you read my mind? Can you sense how special this is and how right it feels? I feel as if our destinies are intertwined... As if we were always meant to meet and be together. Oh, Liam... If only you can read my mind! LIAM (whispers) I can Stacy. STACY (thinking) What? How? LIAM (whispers) Your lips are moving. STACY (thinking) Oh. LIAM (whispers) Stacy, there's something I have to tell you. Something I've wanted to say to you since I saw you coming down that aisle. STACY (whispers) Yes, Liam... Yes? LIAM (whispers) You... Have the biggest greenest booger hanging out of your left nostril. STACY You're a romantic, Liam. INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY Gary is sweating and nervously fingering the weapon. Suddenly, he puts it down. SENESTRA What? What are you doing? GARY I'm having an epiphany. ROCK I had an epiphany once. I had to stay in the hospital and got a scar across my belly. GARY I've come to realize that this is wrong... Killing is wrong and won't get me Stacy back. SENESTRA You miserable little worm! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! Everyone looks at Senestra. SENESTRA Hell, if you're not going to do it I will! Gimme the gun! GARY It's not a gun, it's a phaser. SENESTRA Gimmie the gun! GARY No! MUST FIGHT EVIL! SENESTRA Whatever. Senestra walks over and kicks him in the balls. GARY Gah! My... one... weakness! Senestra grabs the phaser as he passes out. SENESTRA On, quit whining... Breaking off your ability to reproduce could only be a favor to the world. Now we will end this, won't we boys? Chocolate Treat puts her hands on her hips and scowls. SENESTRA And girls? CHOCOLATE TREAT Better. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Elvis is prattling along and Liam and Stacy are still chatting silently. ELVIS Now, if there is anyone who objects to this wedding... Let them speak now or forever hold their piece. The back doors fly open and FABIO walks in. FABIO STOP THE WEDDING!!! YOU CAN'T MARRY THIS MAN, I LOVE YOU! STACY Oh, FABIO! Fabio looks around. FABIO Isn't this the Saint Mary's church on Upda Street and Dumpish Road? ARTURO No, this is Upda Creek, the dump on Mary Road and Churchish Street. FABIO Damn. Sorry! Fabio leaves. Elvis looks at Stacy who is still swooning towards the door. ELVIS Stacy, do you take this man through sickness and health, through richer or poorer, through PMS and menopause, through thick and thin, until death do you part? (a beat) Stacy? STACY (snaps back to attention) Hmm? Oh. Oh, yeah... He'll do. ELVIS And do you, Liam, take this woman to be your wedded wife. To have and to hold, through sickness and health, while she takes away your every freedom you enjoyed as a bachelor and degrades and insults you until you're a mere shell of a man who can't wait until she leaves you? Until death do you part... And by part, I mean your upper half parting from your lower half as you're torn apart by demons, vampires, or Thad. THAD HEY! ELVIS Come on, Liam! Chop! Chop! We ain't got all day you know! Kathy in the row with the maid's of honor smirks and unsheathes a knife. KATHY Indeed you don't! She begins to advance. LIAM I, uh.... INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY Senestra has Liam in her sites. CHOCOLATE TREAT That a way, girlfriend! Blow dat bitch's head off! SENESTRA Oh, I intend to! No more will we have to worry about Liam Smith! CHOCOLATE TREAT Do what? INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Liam is still sweating over the question. LIAM I... Er... Uh... I... Kathy draws the knife back and prepares to attack. INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY CHOCOLATE TREAT WHO said ANYTHING about killing LIAM!? SENESTRA Well, that's what we're here for! CHOCOLATE TREAT I came to shoot that Stacy slut for stealing my man! SENESTRA Hell, then let's just shoot both of them! She aims. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh no you don't! YOU WILL NOT HURT A HAIR ON HIS FUNNY LOOKING HEAD!!! Chocolate Treat begins fighting with Senestra. Chocolate Treat accidentally kicks the unconscious Gary in the head waking him up. GARY Whu...? CHOCOLATE TREAT GARY HONEY, GET HELP!!! GARY H-Help... Right... As Chocolate Treat and Senestra fight over the phaser, Gary crawls to the stairwell and falls down it out of sight with several KA-THUMP! KA-THUMP! KA-THUMP!'S GARY Ow, my spine! INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Liam is still sweating over the question, suddenly unsure of loosing his bachelorhood. LIAM I... Er... I... Kathy is about to plunge the knife down into Liam. INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY Senestra and Chocolate Treat are fighting. SENESTRA (to Rock and Tank) HELP ME, YOU NIMRODS!!! Rock and Tank, who've been watching the ceremony jump and eating raw rice, grab Chocolate Treat off of Senestra. Senestra goes to the window and takes aim. SENESTRA Smile, you son of a bitch! CHOCOLATE TREAT NO! BANG!!! Senestra fires. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY In Matrix-style bullet-time, the bullet slowly crawls from the sixth story window of the book depository and towards Liam's head. Bippo watches in open-jawed awe as the bullet creeps overhead. He looks down at his watch and begins impatiently tapping his foot. Kathy's knife is inching it's way towards Liam's heart. As the knife is brought down, the bullet strikes the blade sending the knife flying out of Kathy's hand and embedding itself into the wall, cutting a rope. Kathy looks up just in time to see a CHANDELIER crash down on her. The bullet crashes out a window and into the open air. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS CAPEMAN shoots through the sky towards the building. CAPEMAN Gotta save the day! Baby needs a new pair of shoes! BLAM! The bullet strikes him in the head sending him spiraling into the side of the building. CAPEMAN BLORG! INT. THE BOOK DEPOSITORY BLAM! Capeman strikes the side of the building and goes through the wall. Rock and Tank fall backwards freeing Chocolate Treat who runs over and smacks Senestra across the face. Senestra fall out the window. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Capeman has landed in the aisle. Senestra fall out of the top story of the building and falls into the wedding cake. TEMPUS What the hell's going on? Is destroying an entire freakin' building part of 21st century marriage rituals? TRIUMPH No, usually just divorces. Senestra gets up, wedding cake dripping off of her. In a desperate attempt to salvage her dignity, she grabs a present from the present table and gives it to Liam and Stacy. SENESTRA It's a blender. Enjoy. LIAM Uh, thank you? SENESTRA Welcome. ROCK, TANK! Come and bring that copy of War and Peace with you. Rock and Tank join her and hands her the book. SENESTRA (exiting) Remember what you said about book suppository? They walk out the front door. THAD (watching them through window) Hey, Bippo! What's Miss Malevolous doing to Rock and Tank? BIPPO I don't know, but those books are never going to fit in there. ROCK and TANK scream a shrill high-pitched scream. Thad and Bippo react in shock and disgust. BIPPO (amazed) Well... I'll be damned! INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONEROOM Satan is sitting on his throne deep in thought. SCRAPPY Well, surprise surprise... Looks like Kathy has failed. Who didn't predict that? Hmm? Show of hands? SATAN Yeah, too bad. SCRAPPY Master, something wrong? Satan pauses for a while, a look of concern on his face. SATAN Scrappy, you're my second in command, so you should be told... SCRAPPY Told what? SATAN Over the last few months, I've been in contact with... Something. SCRAPPY Something? SATAN Something ancient... Evil... Older than hell. SCRAPPY What is it? SATAN It's some vestige of evil that existed before I became the fallen one... It's pure evil so old that it's true origin has been lost to the ravages of time. SCRAPPY And... YOU fear it? SATAN At first, but now that I understand what it is... I'm going to use it. Kathy appears in a wave of hellfire covered in bandages and with an arm in a cast. Satan and Scrappy look on. KATHY How RUDE!!! He DROPPED a chandelier on me! SCRAPPY Yeah, and amazing how he did it without lifting a finger or knowing how it happened. KATHY Damn Liam Smith! DAMN HIM!!! SATAN We will, my dear... We will. Soon, we will have the power to damn all on this disgusting planet. Very soon. The camera pans over to reveal two glowing red eyes peering from the darkness. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Everyone is a little shocked over the turn of events. Capeman picks himself up and shakes his head. A sizable bruise is on the left side of his head where the bullet hit him. TRIUMPH Are you all right, big guy? CAPEMAN Where am I? Who am I? Capeman looks at the logo on his tights. CAPEMAN Oh, that's right. Capeman. Capeman looks around in confusion. ARTURO You seem to be a little disoriented. CAPEMAN Disoriented, right... Right. That bullet packed quite a wallop. Oy, gavolt! ARTURO Here, have a seat. Capeman grabs the professor by his lapels. CAPEMAN Professor? ARTURO Yes? CAPEMAN I finally know... I understand everything! The cloud is lifted. ARTURO What do you mean? CAPEMAN (drooling and looking blank) I... Don't know! Can I call you mom? ARTURO That's nice. Be a nice little vegetable and be quiet. Elvis clears his throat. ELVIS Excuse me? May we continue? I've got a gig in Van Ise in fifteen minutes. Liam, yes or no. Do you take Stacy to be your wife. LIAM (smiles) Yes... I so very do. ELVIS Very well, then by the authority vested in me by the state of Nevada, the gaming commission, and the Mafia, I now pronounce you man and w-- VOICE STOP!!! Everyone turns around to see a woman in her fifties standing at the front door. LIAM (whispers) Oh... My... God! DONNER What? What is it? Who is she? Want her ass kicked? I'll hire it done! LIAM That's... That woman is my MOTHER! DONNER Your mother? I thought she was in hiding! LIAM So did I! LIAM'S MOTHER makes her way down the aisle. She is clearly emotional at the reunion. LIAM'S MOTHER Oh, my baby! I had to come! I couldn't stand the fact that my child was getting married and I wasn't here for it. Well, mommy's here and she's isn't leaving you again. Liam's mother takes Stacy by the hand. LIAM'S MOTHER My darling daughter. LIAM WHAT!? BIPPO Waaaaaaaait a minute... If Stacy is your daughter... LIAM ...and SHE's my mother... Liam's Mother looks shocked as she looks at Liam obviously unsure who he is. THAD ...then that means... STACY ...we're... LIAM Oh... DAMMIT!!! Everyone stares at each other in shock as the picture fades out and "Dueling Banjos" begins to play. TO BE CONTINUED!!! ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
"Much Ado About Knotting" Sucks >> >> >> Wonderful!

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