THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.03 - "Men are from Mars, Elvis is from Uranus"
Written by Jason Gaston PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW... --- EPISODE 3.01 - "Out of the Frying Pan..." --- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT DONNER I'm taking all of you to the Bahamas! --- INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS Dyna and the little boy are watching Thad through a crystal ball. DYNA Very well. Den let's begin. --- INT. THAD'S ROOM Thad is lying in bed trying to sleep. Suddenly, his eyes open. Both are glowing werewolf yellow. INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS DYNA Go, my werewolf! GO AND KILL!!! --- Episode 3.02 - "...Into the Fire" --- EXT. THE HOTEL LIAM He just transformed for no reason at all and went nuts. --- EXT. NASSAU TOWN BAHAMA MÖN As GOD is my witness, I will DESTROY dis werewolf! --- EXT. NASSAU TOWN Thad/Werewolf attacks. Bahama Mon effortlessly knocks him to the side and into the side of a building. --- EXT. NASSAU TOWN Capeman has stopped Bahama Mon from killing Thad/Werewolf LIAM Wait a minute, Capeman... You came all the way to the Bahama's to save Thad's life? Why? CAPEMAN Let's just say, I have my reasons. --- INT. LAFAY'S HUT DONNER What the hell are you doing with the Thad man? LAFAY He is cursed by the evil one, Dyna. --- LAFAY I have opened the door for him, it is up to him to go through it. --- INT. THE DARK PLACE THAD I KNOW that I can control the werewolf! WOLF-GOD You'll never succeed! THAD (a grin) I just did. --- INT. LAFAY'S HUT THAD/WEREWOLF Hey, how come I'm a werewolf and I'm talking and stuff? LAFAY Because you've cast out the wolf demon and your urges to kill... now, you and the werewolf are one and free of Dyna's spell. --- Thad's changed back to normal, but is now being played by a different actor. LIAM But you look different. You're younger. Thad goes to a mirror. THAD Hey, you're right! I AM younger! LaFay, how can I ever thank you? --- INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXIRS Thad/Werewolf and Bahama Mon defeat Dyna. She takes a pellet and throws it down. When the smoke clears, we see that she has been transformed into a small white cat. DYNA/CAT What the...!? DAMMIT!!! Wrong pellet! --- INT. LAFAY'S HUT Arturo, LaFay, Liam, Elvis, and Donner are present. Thad, now human again, hands the cat to Bippo. THAD Have fun. --- EXT. THE WOODS LaFay makes his way through the trees. Suddenly, he comes upon CAPEMAN. CAPEMAN Blue Fairy, could you please take off that disguise? You're creeping me out! POOF! LaFay changes into THE BLUE FAIRY. BLUE FAIRY One of these days you're going to have to explain to me why I did what I just did. CAPEMAN I have my reasons... Let's just leave it at that for now. --- EXT. A CRUISE SHIP Arturo, Liam, Bippo, Elvis, Donner, and Dyna/Cat are on the deck when suddenly, a brilliant white light shines from above. ARTURO What the...!? Arturo, Elvis, Bippo, Thad, and Donner disappear. BIPPO (vanishing) All right, anal probes for all! EXT. THE CRUISE SHIP A giant UFO hovers over the cruise ship. After it's light beam clicks off, it shoots into the sky and out into space. FADE OUT: --- AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION... --- FADE IN: EXT. SPACE The UFO leaves earth orbit and heads out into the blackness of space. INT. THE UFO LIAM, ARTURO, DONNER, THAD, BIPPO, and ELVIS are on some sort of transporter pad in the middle of a dark and sinister looking room. Bippo clutches DYNA/CAT. BIPPO It's okay, kitty. Everything will be okay. DYNA/CAT Get your hands off me, you pathetic creature! Soon, you will all bow to my powers! LIAM (blows nose) I'm feeling them now! Damn allergies. DONNER Kidnapped by aliens. Okay... That's wonderful and all, but come on. I mean... Who didn't see this coming at one point or another? Suddenly, a pair of doors open and three large ALIENS appear. They look like normal humans with the exception of the forehead which looks like an ass. LIAM Hey, is it just me or do their foreheads look like a giant... ARTURO ASSess the situation, my friends! The double lobed head could contain a larger brain even if it does make their heads look like a giant... THAD BUT isn't it strange? To be kidnapped by aliens who's heads look like a couple of red rosey... DONNER Buns, this sucks! The aliens walk past Liam and towards Bippo and Dyna/Cat. BIPPO Oh, I see... (holds up Dyna/Cat) After a little pussy, are we? DYNA/CAT You putrid excuse for a homo sapian!!! They walk past Bippo and towards Donner and Arturo. DONNER The fat one is intelligent. You can dissect his brain and let me go! Arturo elbows Donner in the gut. The aliens walk past them and stop in front of Elvis. ELVIS Oh, I see how this is going to be. All right, let's get this probing thing over with. Elvis drops his pants and bends over. Liam and the gang react in horror. EVERYONE GAH! The aliens drop to their knees and bow. Elvis pulls his pants up and watches them. ALIEN At last, our ruler has returned! Everyone looks at Elvis as we... FADE OUT: --- THEME SONG (Sung to "The Wild Blue Yonder") Here we go, another big dumb episode, of a show that makes no sense, Aliens have come to kidnap our friends, What a strange turn of event! Hooray! Hoorah! Olé! Olah! Nothing can stop The Liam Smith Show! ---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

ALSO STARRING

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

and
Tony Award Winner, Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

SPECIAL GUEST STARS

Della Reese
as
"Dyna/Cat"

Hugh Jackman
as
"Flatular"

Johnny Depp
as
"Colonel Crappier"

and
Christopher Walken
as
"General Queef" --- EXT. SPACE The UFO flies past Jupiter. INT. THE UFO Elvis and the others are being addressed by the alien captain, FLATULAR. FLATULAR I am sorry for abducting you in such a manner, your majesty, but time is of the essence. My name is Flatular and... ELVIS Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's all this "king" and "majesty" stuff around here!? Sorry to be so rude, but I've been abducted off a cruise ship by aliens who look like they have asses on their foreheads and taken into outer space! FLATULAR I see... The memory patch is still in place. I suppose I should have foreseen this as we didn't plan to pick you up for another two years and... ELVIS WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! You're the ones who kidnapped me back in '76 and dropped me off in 1998, aren't you!? FLATULAR Please, allow me to explain... This is a long story. Elvis and the gang take their seats. Bippo takes out a large bag of popcorn and begins to eat. FLATULAR For eons, my people - the Rectumians - have lived on the planet you refer to as Uranus. LIAM What do you call it? FLATULAR Ouranus. LIAM Makes sense. ARTURO How are you speaking English? FLATULAR I learned it and can speak it fluently although some of your adjectives are a little qwizabunk. ELVIS Make more with the explaining! FLATULAR Of course. In your year 1976, we abducted an earthling and brought him with us so that we might learn more of your species. Unfortunately, it was during this time that our government, a benevolent monarchy, was overthrown by General Queef. Our king, King Farton, was executed and we had very few minutes to evacuate the last surviving member of the royal family and rightful heir to the throne... You. ELVIS Me? FLATULAR No, you. General Queef chased us through the stars intent on destroying you, so we had the terrible choice of leaving you on that po-dunk little backwoods planet called Earth. ELVIS But I am Elvis! The King of Rock and Roll! FLATULAR No, you THINK your Elvis. In reality, we placed your consciousness in Elvis' bloated body and gave you his memories. We thought that the best way for you to hide was to be hidden to all, including yourself. ELVIS So what's my real name? FLATULAR Buttrush Von Assman Farton the Thirty-fourth. ELVIS Let's just stick with Elvis for now. THAD So, why come and get him now? Did you overthrow this General Queer? FLATULAR Queef, and Unfortunately, no... The plan was to keep Elvis hidden for another two years as the mind patch degraded and we marshaled enough forces to mount an all out assault. However, the plans have changed. LIAM How so? FLATULAR General Queef wishes to expand his Empire to include the entire solar system... including your world. BIPPO Wow, maximum suckage. FLATULAR I'm sorry for dragging you all into this, but we either stop him now, or we don't stop him at all. The communicator buzzes. VOICE (over comm) Flatular, we've passed the frontier without incident. FLATULAR Understood. Flatular out. LIAM Wait a minute, if you want to defeat this General Queer... FLATULAR Queef. LIAM Whatever. Couldn't you go back to Earth and pick up a few superheroes? You know, Capeman and the Justice Squad, Bahama Mon, or even Doctor Wham and the Cosmic Hamster! THAD Weasel. LIAM Whatever. FLATULAR Earth has superheroes? Well, that information does me a big fat lot of good now since we've already breached the frontier of Queef's defenses and can't go backwards without being blown out of the stars! Besides, you mentioned a weasel... We Rectumians have an aversion to small burrowing rodents. DYNA/CAT Please don't go there. EXT. SPACE A large alien battleship orbits the planet Uranus. SUBTITLE: GENERAL QUEEF'S BATTLESHIP, THE HEMORRHOID. INT. THE HEMORRHOID GENERAL QUEEF stands on the observation deck watching the planet below. Another uniformed alien, COLONEL CRAPPIER, appears behind him. COLONEL CRAPPIER General Queef! GENERAL QUEEF This had better be good or I shall stab you in the eyes with a salad fork. COLONEL CRAPPIER It is good, sir. We've found him. GENERAL QUEEF Who? COLONEL CRAPPIER Prince Farton. An evil grin crosses General Queef's face. GENERAL QUEEF Bring him to me. INT. THE UFO Liam, Arturo, Bippo, Thad, Elvis, and Flatular are now on the bridge. Bippo still clutches Dyna/Cat in his arms. DYNA/CAT Unhand me, foul one or there shall be hell to pay! BIPPO Quiet, pussy! Flatular indicated the viewscreen. FLATULAR There. I see Uranus. Liam and the gang snicker. FLATULAR What? THAD Nothing. So, Flatular... Is it true that Uranus is big and gassy? FLATULAR Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Liam and the gang begin to laugh out loud. FLATULAR What? What's so funny? ARTURO Nothing... Sorry, didn't mean to be rude. LIAM Tell us more about the large gassy body you call Uranus. FLATULAR Well, very few people now this... but there is tremendous pressure in it's core... So much so that the gas is compressed into a liquid and then to a solid mass. BIPPO So, what does it smell like in Uranus? FLATULAR Such a silly question! No one who ventured inside would survive as the toxic gasses and pressure would kill them instantly. Liam and the gang are in tears laughing so much. Suddenly, the ship is shaken. Everyone is thrown to the side and then to the other. LIAM WHAT WAS THAT!? BIPPO Was it a gas eruption from Uranus? Flatular is reading the controls. FLATULAR Worse! It's General Queef! EXT. SPACE The Hemorrhoid is pulling in the UFO with a tractor beam. INT. THE UFO The UFO crew and Liam and the gang reacts to the horrible sight on the screen. LIAM What do we do now? BIPPO I tell you what I'm NOT doing! I'm NOT sticking around to be shoved into the deepest depths of Uranus to be killed by gasses and crushed by pressure! I'm OUT of here! Bippo takes Dyna/Cat and walks to a door. DYNA/CAT FOOL! That's an airlock! Bippo shuts the door and hits the purge button blowing himself and Dyna/Cat into space. DONNER Wow... Bippo died and only took ONE person with him. Who would have predicted that? FLATULAR Yes, in the cold recesses of space, he will freeze and burn at the same time, his lungs and eyes exploding... He will be more fortunate than us. ELVIS (swallows hard) He will? BLAM! An explosion rocks the bridge as several of the ass faced aliens storm in with guns and stuff. GENERAL QUEEF enters through the smoke. GENERAL QUEEF Well... Well... Well... The rumors ARE true, Prince Farton was hidden in the mind of a dumpy Earth singer. The irony is delicious. ELVIS You're General Queer? GENERAL QUEEF Queef. ELVIS Whatever... Look, I have no idea what's going on here. Seriously, I'm just going along minding my own business when all of the sudden, these guys pick me and my friends off a boat and take us into space. I don't know nothing about kings or coups, or the fact that the core of Uranus is made of diamond. Everyone looks at Elvis. LIAM Do what? DONNER (scratches chin) Diamond, you say? ELVIS Why did I...? GENERAL QUEEF So you DO remember! ELVIS (silently) I... Do remember. FLATULAR The memory patch is beginning to degrade as he has become immersed in his old environment with his own people. GENERAL QUEEF Yes, and unfortunately... That means you all must die like THIS. General Queef takes out a ray gun and vaporizes Flatular. ELVIS FLATULAR!!! GENERAL QUEEF But before I kill you and your ugly Earthian friends, I want you to see my plan brought to fruition. ELVIS You mean... your incendiary is ready? GENERAL QUEEF (grin) You DO remember. Yes, prince... it is ready. (to guards) Take them away. The guards grab Elvis, Liam, Thad, Arturo, and Donner and lead them out. GENERAL QUEEF Don't worry, fools! Soon, you will all join your clown friend in the cold depths of space! EXT. SPACE The Blue Danube plays as Bippo and Dyna/Cat float by wearing spacesuits. Bippo tosses aside a spray can. BIPPO Good thing that there was a couple of cans of "spacesuits in a can" in the airlock, huh? DYNA/CAT PSYCHOPATH! If I was human again, I would kill you where you stand... Er, float! But this is not the time to argue! Now, we must stop General Queef! BIPPO Queer. DYNA/CAT Whatever. BIPPO Wait a minute... You're, like, an evil sorceress who wants to take over the Bahamas. What do you care what happens here? DYNA/CAT I care because General Queef... BIPPO Queer. DYNA/CAT Whatever... Wants to take over the Earth. If HE controls the world, where does that leave ME? BIPPO Good point, pussy. I have a plan. DYNA/CAT You do? BIPPO Yes... First, we have to find an exhaust port. DYNA/CAT An exhaust port? BIPPO Well, the thing's gotta have a tailpipe! Bippo uses a small truster and sail back towards the Battleship Hemorrhoid. INT. THE HEMORRHOID Liam, Donner, Arturo, Thad, and Elvis are being led down the hallway by guards. One of them jabs Thad in the back with a weapon. THAD Don't do that! ALIEN GUARD #1 MOVE, HUMAN! THAD Don't make me angry... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. ALIEN GUARD #2 MOVE! THAD Your funeral. Thad does a backflip and lands behind the two alien guards fully transformed into a werewolf. Thad/Werewolf bops the two guards heads together knocking them both out. THAD/WEREWOLF This could come in handy at times! ARTURO Great, Thad... But why didn't you do that FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!? THAD/WEREWOLF I thought we wanted to keep our ace in the hole hidden as long as we could! DONNER Well, thanks ace-hole! Now, can we get out of here now? ELVIS (points) This way. LIAM How do you know? ELVIS I know... I'm remembering things about this ship and my people. DONNER You mean to tell me that you really are one of these ass-faced freaks? ELVIS I'm human but have the mind of a Rectumian. THAD/WEREWOLF That's frankly nasty, but I don't care. Let's get out of here and get back to Earth! ELVIS We can't. LIAM Why not? I don't see a good reason we can't! ELVIS We can't because if we do, General Queef is going to murder every Rectumian on Uranus! DONNER So? I'm not interested! ELVIS Remember what he said about a diamond? DONNER Changed my mind. I'm interested. ELVIS There is a diamond in the core of Uranus. DONNER Wow, If I'd known that I would have dug it out years ago! ELVIS You couldn't... All that pressure and heat makes retrieving it impossible. LIAM Whoa, whoa, whoa... Hold up! Time out! You're seriously telling me that there's one little measly diamond in the center of Uranus? So what? ELVIS A diamond the size of Earth? LIAM Ah, well... That's different. DONNER (flinches) Oh, damn! I think I need a cigarette! THAD/WEREWOLF A diamond the size of Earth? What sort of cliched contrive sci-fi horsecrap are you trying to push on us? ARTURO Don't be so quick to judge him, my friends. One of the key elements in the formation of diamonds is carbon and the Galelio probe found lots of that in the atmosphere of Jupiter. Now, with all of the heat and pressure in the core of a gas giant... Like Uranus... Why not assume that it would create a diamond that large? ELVIS A treasure of untold wealth beyond physical reach. Can you imagine? Donner is drooling. LIAM What does this have to do with General Queef? ELVIS Everything, unfortunately. Queef wants at that diamond and he figures that the only way he can do that is to get rid of Uranus' atmosphere with an incendiary. THAD/WEREWOLF So, essentially... He's going to light a match near Uranus? ELVIS It'll destroy everything. I have to stop him! DONNER Let's not be so hasty... Now, talk about the diamond again... Slowly... And pout your lips this time. LIAM Why Uranus? Why not blow up Jupiter or Saturn or Neptune? ELVIS Uranus is the smallest of the gas giants. It's atmosphere contains just the right amount of trace gasses for the incendiary to work. That, and General Queef thinks that Saturn is too pretty. Elvis takes off down the corridor. LIAM Where are you going? ELVIS To take down General Queef. These are my subjects and I will not see them destroyed! DONNER Are you nuts? We've got tall dark and shaggy on our side now! Donner indicates Thad. DONNER Let HIM eat General Queef! ELVIS I appreciate it, but this is something I've got to do by myself. Get to the UFO and prepare it for take off! Elvis disappears down the hall. INT. THE HEMORRHOID BRIDGE General Queef is standing on the observation deck as Colonel Crappier looks on along with a few other officers. COLONEL CRAPPIER The incendiary will be ready to deploy in two minutes. GENERAL QUEEF Perfect. Elvis appears in the doorway. ELVIS GENERAL QUEER! GENERAL QUEEF QUEEF! ELVIS Says you. All of the officers get up and point weapons as Elvis. GENERAL QUEEF It seems that you walked into your own killing field, prince. ELVIS Too chicken to face me, Queef? GENERAL QUEEF I am not chicken! You've lost, Elvis! In less than two minutes, your world will be destroyed and I'll take the Rectumian diamond home where we will use it to finance our takeover of this entire system! ELVIS Trusting you and your people was the worst mistake we ever made! GENERAL QUEEF No, your worst was challenging me. General Queef takes out a lightsaber and tosses one to Elvis. GENERAL QUEEF All right, Elvis... Let's go. INT. THE HEMORRHOID CARGO BAY Arturo, Donner, and Thad run for the UFO which is parked in the bay. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Liam, Donner, Arturo, and Thad enter and look around the empty bridge. LIAM Where's the crew? DONNER The crew? Oh gee, let me think... DEAD perhaps? THAD Well then, we'd better learn how to use these controls before General Queef finds out we've escaped! ARTURO Well, unless you've taken an annex course in interstellar flight you've neglected to tell us about... THAD DAMN! I knew I should have taken that course from bitch Sally Struthers! INT. THE HEMORRHOID BRIDGE Elvis and General Queef are embroiled in combat as the countdown continues. COLONEL CRAPPIER Incendiary activation in one minute! GENERAL QUEEF You've lost, prince! All that time you spent on Earth has dulled your senses and made you weak! ELVIS Says... YOU! Elvis executes the Pelvis Thrust of Destruction sending General Queef into the glass of the observation deck. GENERAL QUEEF (weakly) H-How? ELVIS A little trick I learned on Earth. The glass begins to crack. COLONEL CRAPPIER It's going to break! Everyone out! Before the crew can evacuate, the glass breaks exposing the bridge to space. Most of the bridge crew are instantly sucked out, but Colonel Crappier and a two or three of them make it to an escape pod and launch away. General Queef hangs onto the railing with Elvis. GENERAL QUEEF This can't HAPPEN to me! ELVIS Good-night Sweetheart! Elvis punches General Queef in the face sending the general tumbling into space. Elvis watches as the general bursts in the vacuum of space. Elvis looks out the broken window and sees the planet Uranus below. ELVIS I'm home. Elvis lets go and is sucked out the window into space. The camera angles on a monitor as it counts down until the incendiary activation. 35... 34... 33... 32... EXT. THE HEMORRHOID Bippo and Dyna/Cat approach the exhaust port. The opening is approximately the size of a canteloupe. DYNA/CAT Okay, so we're here at the exhaust port! What now, fool! BIPPO Have you ever shoved a potato in someone's exhaust pipe? DYNA/CAT Yes, but what does THAT have to do with anything? BIPPO Well, we have an exhaust pipe! DYNA/CAT IDIOT! WE HAVE NO POTATO!!! BIPPO You're right! Where are we going to get a potato? In space? At this hour? (a beat) Hey, who needs a potato to clog up an exhaust port anyway? DYNA/CAT Then WHAT are we going to use? Bippo grabs Dyna/Cat and shoves her into the exhaust pipe. DYNA/CAT (stuck) What is the meaning of...!? GAH! I'm stuck! BIPPO Toodles! Bippo leaps and sails off into space. The exhaust port begins to glow red and smoke. DYNA/CAT CURSES! (a beat) Oh, who am I kidding? That's what got me into this. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Liam, Arturo, and Thad are still trying to get the ship started. Donner is sitting in the captain's chair. LIAM It's no use! COMPUTER VOICE Warning! Incendiary device activation in ten seconds! THAD Oh no! Uranus is about to blow! COMPUTER VOICE Warning! The battleship Hemorrhoid will explode in five seconds. THAD Oh, sh-(BLEEP!)-t! WE'RE going to blow! DONNER If you ask me, you already do. ARTURO Mister Donner, either shut up or help us fly this contraption. Donner rises and walks over to the controls. DONNER Excuse me, professor. Donner's hands fly over the console. EXT. THE HEMORRHOID CARGO BAY The UFO rises and then flies out the hanger doors. EXT. SPACE Bippo is floating, holding his thumb out like a hitchhiker. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Donner sees Bippo in the monitors. DONNER Hold on. EXT. SPACE The UFO flies over Bippo and grabs him with a tractor beam. In the background, the battleship Hemorrhoid lists and then explodes in a great fireball. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Liam, Arturo, and Thad watches the ship explode on the viewscreen. ARTURO (sadly) Elvis. Bippo enters from the bridge door. BIPPO Nice save there guys. Didja see? Didja see the ship go boom? That was me! All me! Well, I got a little help from pussy, but... LIAM (sadly) He's gone. Elvis died saving his people... and us. Suddenly, three pure white angelic floating aliens appear on the bridge. ALIEN The reports of Elvis' death are premature. THAD Who are you guys? The middle alien changes into... LIAM ELVIS! ARTURO How the... HELL!? ELVIS I'm all right, guys. Only the meat puppet I called a body was destroyed. ARTURO HUH? ELVIS Think about it, professor. Uranus is a gas giant with no surface. What sort of aliens would be best suited to live there? Donner rises. DONNER The kind with no physical mass for the pressure and heat to destroy. Creatures of pure energy. THAD Am I crazy or did a correct answer just come out of Donner's mouth? DONNER Yes, but he wasn't responsible for it. A white alien emerges from Donner and turns into FLATULAR. LIAM Flatular! You're alive! FLATULAR Of course I'm alive! DONNER Why does my mouth taste like Cotton? BIPPO Okay, me is much confused. You explain now. ELVIS My people, the Rectumians, are beings of pure energy. Occasionally, we find need to possess the body of biologics to suit our purposes. FLATULAR Much like Prince Farton there possessed the body of Elvis Presley and I and my crew possessed the bodies of General Queef's men several years ago when we had to escape from Uranus. LIAM And here all this time I thought you and Queef's people were all the same species. FLATULAR They were Anusian. We were allies with them for a while until General Queef overthrew our government, but now that Elvis - our Prince Farton - is back, peace and prosperity can return to our world. LIAM (to Elvis) So... You're not coming back with us? ELVIS I can't, Liam. My people need me now more than ever. I will miss you all, my friends. Elvis, the aliens, and Flatular disappear. ARTURO (sighs) I loose more handymen that way. EXT. SPACE The escape pod from the Hemorrhoid jets past Pluto. INT. THE ESCAPE POD Colonel Crappier and his men are cramped together. Out a viewport, we see stars rush past. COLONEL CRAPPIER Once we get back to our homeworld, we will marshal our forces and take back Uranus! Those Rectumians will rue the day they challenged us! CREWMAN SIR!!! The crewman points at the viewport. The stars are gone. Now, there is only black and a pair of evil red eyes glaring at them. COLONEL CRAPPIER What the HELL!? NOOOOO!!!! EXT. SPACE Total blackness except for the eyes as a beam envelopes the escape pod. INT. THE ESCAPE POD Colonel Crappier and his men writhe in agony as their bodies shrivel into flesh-covered skeletons. MEN Arrrrrrrrrgh! Ack! Gurgle! EXT. SPACE The large black object with the red eyes destroys the pod with another beam and then turns. It slowly goes past Pluto and towards the sun, painfully obvious that it's heading for Earth. EXT. SPACE The UFO flies by Saturn. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Donner is still at controls. Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and Liam sit at various other positions. LIAM Can't believe we're just leaving Elvis behind like that. ARTURO He wanted to stay behind, my boy. Besides... Leading that planet to a new age of peace was his destiny. DONNER Well, at least Flatular left enough memories in my head for me to fly this rust bucket home. (a beat) Wait a minute! I've got a highly advanced alien UFO! HA! Who needs Cape-what's-his-face! I'm selling this baby to the Chinese! Upon hearing this, Bippo jumps to Donner's side. BIPPO Hey, what does this button do? Bippo pushes it. DONNER No, you idiot! That's the fuel dump! EXT. SPACE The UFO dumps it's fuel and drifts to a stop. INT. THE UFO BRIDGE Donner looks angrily at Bippo. Thad, Liam, and Arturo do the same. BIPPO But it was so red and shiny! EXT. SPACE The camera zooms away from the UFO. BIPPO (V.O.) I just want everyone to remember who is was who blew up General Queef's ship, okay? The camera zooms farther away. SOUND EFFECT SMACK! BIPPO (V.O.) Ow! That's my favorite nose! The UFO becomes a tiny speck in the middle of space. All alone. BIPPO (V.O.) Fine, when we all start to starve, you can eat me! Would that make you all feel better? THAD (V.O.) Dibs! FADE OUT: TO BE CONTINUED... ROLL CREDITS

Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode scored a 4.5 out of 5.