THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.04 - "Star Bleeech! The Voyager Home"
Written by Jason Gaston EXT. SPACE The small UFO floats helplessly near Saturn. INT. THE UFO LIAM SMITH, ARTURO, THAD, BIPPO, and DONNER are sitting quietly at different stations quietly passing the time. LIAM (V.O.) I think back on the events that brought us to where we are and I can't help but shake my head in awe. First, I'm about to marry the girl of my dreams when my long-lost mother returns and I find out that my almost-wife is my long lost half sister. After that, Donner takes Elvis, Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and myself to the Bahamas to forget our troubles, only to develop new ones when Thad was cursed by a witch doctor and cured by another. Now, Thad isn't a mindless killing machine when he wolfs out AND he's been de-aged ten years... Sort of like one of those situations were a TV show gets tired of an actor playing a part so they replace him. Our journey into insanity still continued when we were all kidnapped off the deck of a cruise ship and taken to Uranus where we found out that Elvis is actually the long lost king of an alien race. We helped Elvis reclaim his throne, he stayed behind, and we took a spaceship home... Only now, we're out of fuel and slowly and steadily starving to death in the cold, dark, and lonely recesses of space. Liam weakly rises, walks over to a wall, and makes a tally mark with a piece of chalk. FADE TO: INT. THE UFO - A WHILE LATER The wall is now covered with over three dozen tally marks, marking the passage of time. Liam makes another mark. DONNER How long, Liam? How long have we been stranded here? Liam looks at the wall and counts. LIAM Thirty-nine minutes. DONNER OH THE AGONY!!! WHEN WILL IT END!? WE'RE ALL GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH!!! ARTURO Don't be silly, Mr. Donner. DONNER Professor, you have a plan? ARTURO No... I was just going to say that we're going to run out of air long before we starve. BIPPO I have an idea! Thad, grab a shovel! We'll TUNNEL our way home! Bippo throws Thad a shovel and the two of them start to try to dig through the solid metal of the deck. Arturo holds his ears in pain from the scraping metal sounds. ARTURO Oh, CUT THAT OUT you BLISTERING IDIOTS!!! Arturo storms off. THAD I don't think the professor likes us very much. BIPPO Maybe he's homophobic? A beat. Thad looks at Bippo. THAD We're not gay, Bippo. BIPPO We're NOT!? Suddenly, the ship is shaken. LIAM Oh, what now? DONNER It's the end! This is it! I'm going to die without ever knowing true love unless it was from a reflection. Donner gets out a mirror. DONNER Don't worry, baby. We still have each other. Suddenly, Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad disappear in a halo of lights and swirly sound effects. INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM Liam and the gang appear on the transporter pad in the swirly special effects. They look around in confusion. THAD What in the wide, wide world of sports was THAT!? VOICE Greetings... They all turn to the voice and see CAPTAIN JANEWAY, TUVOK, and CHAKOTAY. JANEWAY I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Liam and the gang look on in shock as we... FADE OUT: --- Space... it's really really really big. These are the Voyages of the Starship Voyager. It's seven year mission, try to find a way home. To seek out new olé and new olé forms! To boldy olé! where no one has oléd before! ---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

ALSO STARRING

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

and
People's Choice Award Winner, Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

SPECIAL GUEST STARS

Kate Mulgrew
as
"Captain Janeway"

Robert Beltran
as
"Commander Chakotay"

Tim Russ
as
"Lt. Commander Tuvok"

Robert Duncan McNeil
as
"Lt. Paris"

Roxanne Dawson
as
"Lt. Torres"

Garett Wang
as
"Ensign Kim"

Ethan Phillips
as
"Neelix"

and
Jeri Ryan
as
"Seven of Nine"

--- FADE IN: EXT. SPACE High in orbit of Saturn, the USS VOYAGER is holding the UFO in a tractor beam. JANEWAY (V.O.) Captain's Log, Stardate 53992.1: After our forth battle with the Borg this week, we encountered our tenth spatial anomaly of the month which engulfed the ship and sent us back to the Alpha Quadrant and, conveniently enough, into the Terran System. However, upon rescuing several humans on a derelict ship, we've discovered something rather odd. INT. JANEWAY'S READY ROOM Janeway sits at her desk. Tuvok and a couple of SECURITY GOONS are in the background. Liam and Arturo stand in the middle of the room. JANEWAY Let me see if I get this straight... You're saying that we're fictional? My crew, my ship, and I are characters on a television program? LIAM Not just any TV show, ma'am... er, sir... I mean, captain! Star Trek: Voyager! I'm a big fan of your show! I watch it every day! Now tell me, what does Seven of Nine think about this and - more importantly - where is she? JANEWAY We CAN'T be fictional characters! I have a life! Friends and family and Irish Setters waiting for me back home! LIAM Yeah, yeah, yeah... Now, about Seven... JANEWAY This has got to be a trick... Q or some other really intelligent and totally annoying omnipotent being. LIAM Seven of Nine could probably help! JANEWAY Well, that being said and since this is 21st century, I suppose that going to Earth is out of the question. Arturo slams his hand down on Janeway's desk. ARTURO Enough of this useless prattle! WHERE IS SEVEN OF NINE!? Suddenly, the voice of THE DOCTOR comes over the comm line. DOCTOR Doctor to Janeway. JANEWAY Go ahead Doctor. DOCTOR Not until you say it JANEWAY No. DOCTOR Not until you say my name. JANEWAY Uh-uh. DOCTOR What's my name? JANEWAY NO! DOCTOR Say my name, bitch! Say it! SAY IT! Liam and Arturo look at each other in confusion. LIAM D'ah... The Doctor finally chose a name? TUVOK Unfortunately, yes. DOCTOR Well? JANEWAY (sighs) Go ahead, Doctor Feelgood. DOCTOR Thank you. I've checked out the last three of our visitors and confirmed that they are mostly human. JANEWAY Mostly? DOCTOR One of them exhibits Lycanthopic DNA patterns and a metamorphic cell structure. ARTURO That would be Thad. DOCTOR I'm assuming he's some sort of a werewolf from the readings and the fact that he won't stop licking himself. ARTURO That's Thad all right. JANEWAY Clowns... Werewolves... And a man who looks strangely like a character on the holodeck. This is going to be a most irritating adventure. LIAM It doesn't have to be! Why don't you just drop us off at Earth and be done with us? JANEWAY Not until we fully determine why we're here and what brought us here. Until then, you stay here. For all we know, the phenomenon in question may be affecting Earth. If it's not, we could inadvertently bring it to Earth by dropping you off. LIAM Wow, that would suck. JANEWAY Indeed it would suck, young man. You stay until we can figure out exactly what the hell's going on. In the meantime, consider yourself our guests and... The ship shakes. The voice of CHAKOTAY comes over the conn. CHAKOTAY (V.O.) Captain, we're being attacked by a Borg Cube! BORG (over com) We are the Borg! You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! All your base are belong to us! JANEWAY F*ck, again? You know the drill... Blow them up. There is another ship shake. CHAKOTAY (V.O.) We blow'd them up good, Captain. Where would we be without you? SECURITY GOON Home? Tuvok elbows him in the gut. JANEWAY What did you say, Ensign Gonnadie? SECURITY GOON I said, "who knows?" INT. SICKBAY The DOCTOR is treating Bippo with a device. DOCTOR I don't understand! No matter how much I try, I can't get this clown make-up off! Camera angles on Donner. DONNER I can't believe I'm on Voyager... With Seven of Nine! By the way, where is she? THAD (mopey) I don't know. DONNER What's wrong, wolf boy? You didn't get a clean bill of health? THAD Sort of. The Doctor said I have a disease only found in dogs and gave me this to get rid of it. Thad hold up a large capsule. DONNER Wow, you're going to have to take a gallon of water to take that sucker! THAD It's not a pill. DONNER Well, if it's not a pill, how do you... A beat. DONNER I should just drop it, shouldn't I? THAD That would be a very smart move. LIAM enters. The Doctor goes up to them. DOCTOR You're friends are fine, Mister Smith. A little shaken up and confused and... Dare I say... Stupid, but fine. LIAM Glad to hear that, Doctor. DOCTOR Doctor... What? LIAM Do I have to? DOCTOR Yes. LIAM Glad to hear it, Doctor Feelgood. DOCTOR Better. Now, where is that corpulent friend of yours? LIAM Looking around the ship, but that's not important... I'm a bit curious of Seven of Nine's biology. Do you have your last medical scan or better yet, pictures? DOCTOR That would be a breach of patient/doctor confidentiality, young man. LIAM So, what? A hundred bucks then? DOCTOR Four figures or forget it. The ship is shaken. LIAM What's that? DOCTOR Borg again probably. Pesky little bastards. The ship is shaken again. DOCTOR That's odd... We usually blow them up or outsmart them or make them our bitches by this point. Bippo jumps to their side. BIPPO I'LL get to the bottom of this! Bippo points to a communicator he's wearing. DOCTOR Where'd you get that and where is your security escort? BIPPO Ensign Expendible? He... Er... Uh... Had to go to the bathroom. LIAM BIPPO! BIPPO What? LIAM We're guests here! You shouldn't off and kill one of the crew just because... ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE enters zipping up his pants. ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE Thanks for holding my comm badge for me while I was in the can, Bippo. BIPPO No problem. You have a spot by the way. Ensign Expendible check his pants as Bippo turns to Liam. BIPPO I'll be accepting your apology now, ass. ENSIGN EXPENDIBLE I'm always dropping my comm badge down the crapper. Last week, people were getting comm hails from the ship's waste disposal... A bunch of farts and grunts and... BIPPO Okay, you've talked about fifteen seconds longer than you should have. Bippo slaps his nipple. BIPPO Bippo to bridge. (a beat) Bridge, are you there? (a beat, dramatically) WHY don't they ANSWER!!! DOCTOR (sigh) You're slapping your nipple. The comm badge is on the other side. Bippo slaps his badge. BIPPO Bippo to bridge. JANEWAY (V.O.) Janeway, bridge here! CHAKOTAY (V.O.) I think you mean: Bridge, Janeway here. JANEWAY (V.O.) When I want your opinion, Commander, I'll give it to you! CHAKOTAY (V.O.) Oh yeah!? Well, I'll be captain someday! THEN you'll be sorry! JANEWAY (V.O.) So will the crew. BIPPO Ex-CUSE me! JANEWAY (V.O.) Wha...!? Mister DeClown! What are you doing with a comm badge! DOCTOR He borrowed it, Captain. JANEWAY (V.O.) And why didn't YOU stop him from using it? DOCTOR I was curious to see what was going to happen. Think of it as a study in behavioral science... Sort of like when you give a chimp a hammer. The ship shakes again. DOCTOR Captain, what's going on? JANEWAY (V.O.) No time to talk now! DOCTOR Oh, but you DO have time to argue with Commander Cha-- JANEWAY (V.O.) Janeway out! DOCTOR ARGH! Must be that time of the month. BIPPO Sweeps? DOCTOR Enough of this! I'm going up there to see what's happening for myself! The Doctor grabs his mobile transmitter and storms out the door. Bippo and Liam follow him out. Donner and Thad stays put. DONNER I'm not going with them! I'm staying right here where it's safe! THAD Amen, brother! Two KAZON beam into sickbay and point weapons at them. DONNER Oh, POOPIES!!! The Kazon stun Donner and Thad, grab them, and beam away. EXT. SPACE Voyager is locked in combat with two KAZON RAIDERS. INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE Janeway and Chakotay are at the command stations, Tuvok is at tactical, HARRY KIM is at Ops, PARIS is at helm. Arturo is also there trying to hang on. JANEWAY DAMAGE REPORT!!! TUVOK Minor damage and heavy annoyance on all decks. JANEWAY How the HELL are the Kazon here!? We left them over 40 thousand light years behind us over five years ago! KIM This has to do with the anomaly that brought us here! It has to! I know it! JANEWAY That's as good a theory as any! Janeway tosses Harry a cookie which he eats greedily. TUVOK We also have reports of intruders in sick bay. The Doctor, Liam, and Bippo enter. JANEWAY Doctor, what do you know about intruders in sickbay? DOCTOR Intruders in sickbay!? JANEWAY No, intruders in sickbay. DOCTOR But I just left sickbay and didn't see any intruders. BIPPO Besides, Donner and Thad are down there and I'm sure that Thad would eat them all gone-gone if they tried to mess with him. He's a werewolf, you know! TUVOK I'm not showing any life signs in sickbay. BIPPO (mumbling) Or he and Donner might be killed and vaporized where they stand... I don't know. TUVOK I'm picking up two transport signatures in and four out... It appears that our guests have been kidnapped. ARTURO Why? Both of them are the most useless individuals I know! JANEWAY The Kazon are notorious for stealing technology... Maybe... Uh... Hell, I don't know. How's the battle going, anyhow? PARIS The Kazon have broken off and entered the atmosphere of Saturn. JANEWAY Follow them. PARIS Can't. JANEWAY Why. PARIS Too damaged and with that atmospheric pressure, we'd be crushed like a tribble on Kirk's command chair. JANEWAY (mumbles to herself) Hail them. On the viewscreen, the images of SESKA and MAGE CULLAH appear. KIM SESKA! PARIS CULLAH! JANEWAY Very good! Janeway throws both of them a cookie and looks back at the screen as Paris and Kim consume them greedily. JANEWAY What the HELL are you two DOING here! (points to Seska) YOU'RE supposed to be dead... (points to Cullah) ...and YOU'RE supposed to be rotting somewhere on the other side of the galaxy! CULLAH I don't have the slightest idea what your talking about captain, but you'd better agree to our terms and your crewmen will be killed. Seska whispers something in Cullah's ear. CULLAH I mean, agree to our terms OR your crewmen will be killed. JANEWAY WHAT crewmen? Seska steps to the side and reveals DONNER and THAD tied to a couple of chairs. JANEWAY Crap. You MORONS! Those aren't crewmembers! Those are just some guys we picked up! SESKA You're lying. JANEWAY Am not! SESKA Yes you are. I can tell. JANEWAY How? SESKA The way your left eyelid twitches. JANEWAY Left eyelid? What are you talking about! SESKA There! There it goes again. Janeway slaps her hand over her eye hard with a huge SMACK sound. SESKA Our demands are as follows. Give us transporters, replicators, and all the alcohol you have. If you refuse, your crewmen will suffer a fate worse than death. Janeway takes her hand down from her eye which is now black and swollen. JANEWAY You're taking them to Euro Disney? SESKA NO! I'm going to kill them! JANEWAY How is death a fate worse than death? BIPPO It can be. JANEWAY Explain. BIPPO Well, first you have to find the right pressure point and... CULLAH HEY! Remember us? Hostages and such? JANEWAY The federation does not negotiate with terrorists especially if it means giving up all my booze! PARIS Not necessarily captain. I mean, I was a terrorist and you negotiated with me. JANEWAY THAT was an isolated incident! CHAKOTAY And then there was about three dozen other isolated incidents when you negotiated with me and the rest of the Maquis and made us members of the crew. JANEWAY YOU AREN'T HELPING!!! SHUT UP!!! SESKA See? You have no choice, Captain! Give us what we want or we start killing! Good bye. The screen goes blank, replaced by a logo and the caption THANK YOU FOR USING AT&T. JANEWAY F*CK! Well, I hope to hell all of you are happy! ARTURO This is terrible! LIAM Yeah, we've been on the ship over an hour and have yet to see Seven of Nine! EXT. THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE OF SATURN The Kazon Ships lie in wait in the yellow clouds. We hear the winds whistling. INT. THE KAZON TORTURE CHAMBER Thad and Donner and sitting next to each other tied up and alone. DONNER Try it again. Thad sighs, turns into a werewolf, struggles to break free, fails, and then turns back to a human. THAD No use. They must have made these bonds from some sort of futuristic fiber or... DONNER (looks) It says Nev-R-Break. Isn't that the same company that makes dog leashes? THAD I... Wouldn't know. DONNER (to himself) What the hell are the Kazon doing with Nev-R-Breaks? The doors open. Seska and Cullah enter. SESKA YOU! She points to Thad. THAD Me? SESKA Yeah, you. Come with me. THAD Why? SESKA I'm going to interrogate you... (licks lips) ...personally. She tousles Thad's hair and smiles. DONNER (through teeth) This is a ood-gay ing-thay! You can olf-way out and ill-kay er-hay! Thad is succumbing to Seska's charms. THAD Naw, I think I'll see where this is going. DONNER You stupid it-shay! THAD Sticks and stones. Seska unties Thad and leads him out of the room with a phaser. Cullah looks down at Donner. CULLAH And I will interrogate you. DONNER I was afraid of that. CULLAH Tell me how to capture Voyager. DONNER Satellite dish? CULLAH I don't understand. DONNER Well, it WOULD have to be a really powerful satellite dish since UPN really sucks. CULLAH What? DONNER I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I bought that stupid network. CULLAH Huh? DONNER I thought I was buying CSPAN... Turned out I bought the one station that was even more boring. But at least we've got Buffy now... and then that new Enterprise show looks pretty good. HA! Suck on THAT WB! CULLAH ENOUGH! You speak in too many words of more than two syllables You confuse Mage Cullah! Tell me how to capture Voyager or I will extract your teeth through your anus! DONNER Wow, that would hurt! CULLAH NOW! DONNER OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! UH... First, you have to... Uh... Uh... Disable the... Uh... Fraginstan... Duh... Compensator. CULLAH (writing) Disable the Fraginstan Compensator. DONNER Then you have to... Er... Destroy the Triaxilating... Frenelflaz... Array. CULLAH (writing, mumbling) ...frenelflaz array DONNER After that, it should be easy as pie! CULLAH (writing, mumbling) ...should Be easy as... DONNER You didn't have to write that part down. CULLAH CULLAH KNOWS THAT!!! Now, I will take this information to the bridge and we will use it to capture that pesky ship! Sit here and contemplate your coming doom, human! Cullah stomps off. DONNER God, what a moron! INT. VOYAGER OBSERVATION LOUNGE Janeway, Chakotay, Kim, Paris, TORRES, Tuvok, the Doctor, NEELIX, Arturo, Bippo, and Liam are sitting at the table. JANEWAY I want options! KIM Bucket seats! NEELIX Drink holders! TORRES 5000 mile guarantee! JANEWAY SHUT UP!!! I MEAN, I want to know how to get Mister Coffey and Donner off that damned ship without giving in to Seska's demands. KIM What if we get Commander Chakotay to talk to them and hope that the inescapable boredom and his lack of personality makes them all go to sleep? CHAKOTAY Or we could send Kim down and have him irritate them to death. BIPPO Oo! Oo! Send down Kim, Chakotay, and Neelix and make it a triple whammy! TUVOK Triple whammies were outlawed by the Kitomer accords. BIPPO Well, poo on you! Liam sighs and looks to his left where we see the torso and upper body of SEVEN OF NINE. SEVEN OF NINE I have a suggestion. LIAM Boing! The camera zooms out to reveal Seven of Nine. BIPPO WOWIE, ZOWIE! Check out those IMPLANTS!!! JANEWAY Liam, Professor Arturo, Bippo... This is Seven of Nine. Bippo checks out her chest. BIPPO Nice names. JANEWAY What is if you want, Seven? SEVEN OF NINE I was in astrometrics when I realized that quite a long time had gone by without my having saved the ship in some way. I believe that by showering the Kazon ships with borg nanoprobes, we can create a subspace ion storm in the atmosphere around them. As you know, the atmosphere of Saturn is rich in hydrogen and fluorine, two such gases that will make the chain reaction possible. The nanoprobes will have to be tuned to a frequency of 2.34 Megahertz and a quadrilateral frequency of... Seven of Nine's words become muddled as the camera focuses on Liam. LIAM (thinking) Ugh! Technobabble... So... BORING! Interest... Fading... Fading... Faaaaaaaaading... Liam collapses behind the table. No one notices. Seven of Nine continues with her technogarbage monologue. SEVEN OF NINE ...and If the beam holds at the correct matrix, the storm should force the ships to surface. JANEWAY Wonderful plan, Seven. Bippo is still checking out Sevens boobs. BIPPO They sure are. ARTURO Let's get our people out of there, captain. I hate to think of what's going on there or what horrible thing is happening to Donner and Thad. INT. SESKA'S CABIN Seska and Thad are in bed. Seska is smoking. SESKA You were wonderful. THAD Glad you noticed. It's amazing what being made ten years younger will do for you. Seska gets on her side and starts playing with Thad's chest hairs. SESKA You were an animal! THAD (beat) If only you knew. There is a knock at the door. SESKA Oh, SH*T! It's Cullah! Seska kicks Thad out of the bed, grabbing the sheets to cover herself. Thad looks around for something and picks up a vase. He looks at it, shakes his head, and picks up a bigger vase. He holds it over himself as Cullah enters! CULLAH SESKA! I CAN'T believe THIS!!! SESKA M-Mage C-C-Cullah, I-I-I-I can explain! CULLAH That fool actually told me how to conquer Voyager! SESKA It's not what it... (a beat) What? CULLAH Look! He hands her the pad. CULLAH All we have to do is disable the Fraginstan Compensator. And destroy the frenelflaz array then Voyager will be ours! He looks over at Thad who is standing there holding a vase between his legs. CULLAH Ah, I see you are torturing the human the way you torture my second officer every morning and night and sometimes after lunch. Seska is reading the padd. SESKA Shut up, Cullah! Don't you see that we have it!? Now, we can conquer Voyager and it will be ours for the taking! THAD You guys sure do say that a lot. The ship shakes. Cullah hits his communicator. CULLAH BRIDGE! What's going on!? VOICE (over comm) The ship has become caught in some sort of atmospheric disturbance! If we don't surface soon, we will be destroyed! CULLAH Begin accent, I will be there shortly! Cullah turns to Seska and smiles. CULLAH Kill the hostages. We hear the sound of a vase break. Cullah looks at Thad off screen. CULLAH (impressed) Wow. Cullah leaves. Seska looks at Thad, points a phaser at him and shrugs. SESKA (sighs) Tough sh*t. INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE Everyone is at their station. Bippo is cradled in Seven of Nine's arms. TUVOK The nanoprobes had the desired effect, Captain. The Kazon ships are surfacing. JANEWAY Target engines and weapons only and I mean THEIR engines and weapons this time! KIM I shoot our own ship ONCE and you never let me forget it! JANEWAY Fire! EXT. SPACE Voyager's phasers unleash a volley on one of the surfacing Kazon ships. The other ship swoops behind Voyager and fires. INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE As before. Ship shakes. LIAM What happened? What happened? TUVOK Minor damage to deck 4 and 5 and the coffee maker is off line! JANEWAY (grows angry) THOSE BASTARDS!!! Enough of this pansy ass shoot to wound crap! I WANT BLOOD!!! Janeway walks over and knocks Tuvok out of the way with a mighty swoop of her hand. As Tuvok falls to the ground, green blood trickling from his mouth, Janeway takes over Tactical. Torres looks at Paris. TORRES (whispers) THAT time of the month. Janeway presses the fire button. JANEWAY Eat THIS you BASTARDS!!! EXT. SPACE Voyager's phasers blow a hole into one of the Kazon Ships. It explodes in a huge fireball. INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE As before. Bippo leaps from Seven of Nine's arms into Janeway's. BIPPO Can I call you Aunt Kathy? ARTURO (scratches chins) Curious. INT. KAZON BRIDGE Cullah watches in anger as the other Kazon ship explodes. CULLAH They blew up the other ship! Those DICKS! Prepare to disable the fraginstan compensator and disable thr triaxilating frenelflaz array! INT. KAZON CORRIDOR Thad and Donner are being led down the corridor by an armed Seska. It's painfully obvious that Thad is still pretty much naked. DONNER (whispers) Don't you think that this would be a good time to... He motions to Seska with his head. DONNER You know? THAD I can't. DONNER (shocked) WHAT!? Why not!? THAD I don't know! I must be distracted or something. DONNER Distracted by what!? I mean, what could...? A beat. Donner looks at Thad, then at Seska, then at Thad, then at Seska. DONNER Oh... NO! Thad smiles in embarrassment. DONNER You and her? THAD Yep. DONNER You did the rumpy-pumpy with Princess Lay-Me back there? THAD Yeah, so? DONNER You know, I was VAGUELY curious why you didn't have any clothes on, but now I see the whole saudry picture taking shape! You bumped uglies with psycho bitch! THAD So what? SESKA Quiet! Both of you! DONNER So WHAT!? So wh... SO now that you drained your bone with Barbraella I'M going to die because you're too DISTRACTED to wolf out and eat the bitch! SESKA Silence! THAD Okay, so I made one little mistake! DONNER And it REALLY pisses me off because I was stuck with great, grody, and gruesome back in that torture place and you were knocking boots with space chick! SESKA I'm warning you... THAD All right, Donner... You're really getting on my nerves? DONNER Well, considering I'm about to be KILLED because you and mini-you wanted to have a good time and rub pelvises with Sergeant Slaughter back there, I'd say it's a FAIR TRADE!!! Donner and Thad stop and glare at each other. Seska stands behind them wondering what will happen next. THAD Donner, I'm warning you! DONNER If you could still wolf out, we'd be home free by now, but noooooo... YOU had to do the humpty dance with the Cardassian chick! THAD If you don't shut up, I'm going to... I'm going to... DONNER Do what? Or should I say, Do WHO!!!??? THAD If you don't shut up, I'm going to do something like this! POW!!! Thad rams his fist into Seska's face. Seska falls backwards in a heap. Donner picks up her gun. Thad grabs his fist in pain. DONNER Those little boney protrusions hurt? THAD Well, that's what SHE said. DONNER (elated) Hee Hee! We're alive! Donner and Thad hug. DONNER (realizes) I'm hugging a naked dude. DONNER & THAD GAH! Donner and Thad jumps back in disgust. They stand there for a few beats. DONNER (little lower voice than usual) So, you catch that ball game? THAD (same deep voice) Yeah... Yeah. Nice cheerleaders. DONNER (deep voice) Great cans. THAD (deep voice) I like their hoo-hoos. DONNER (normal) Okay, let's go! The start to run down the corridor. THAD What about all that stuff I heard about you telling Cullah how to capture Voyager? DONNER No worries, horn dog! I just made all that crap up! INT. VOYAGER BRIDGE Everyone is thrown around as a new explosions rock the ships. BIPPO Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister! It's a twister! Stations explode. Shrapnel magically passes through Janeway and Chakotay as the station behind them erupts in flames shredding several ensigns. CHAKOTAY Ensign Deadmeat! Ensign Numbersup! Ensign Futurecorpse! Ensign Imgoingtodieahorribledeathonanaway issonorwhenastationimatexplodes!!! (to camera) He's Dutch. LIAM WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!??? TUVOK The Kazon just disabled the fraginstan compensator and destroyed the triaxilating frenelflaz array! JANEWAY Oh no, not the fraginstan compensator the triaxilating frenelflaz array! KIM Oh no! Not the fraginstan compensator and triaxilating frenelflaz array! (a beat) Hey, Captain? What's the fraginstan compensator and triaxilating frenelflaz array? JANEWAY They're pieces of equipment on a starship so sophisticated and top secret that even I don't know what they do, but what I do know is that they're the only thing on the ship that keeps it from being taken over! ARTURO You mean...? BIPPO We're boned? JANEWAY Yes, we are very boned. Dozens of armed Kazon begin transporting onto the bridge. JANEWAY Intruder alert! We will FIGHT till the last! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!! CHAKOTAY FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!! Everyone locks into bloody and mortal combat. Throughout the battle, we see a body part - an arm, a leg, or head - fly up into the air. Bippo has his chainsaw and jumps into the fray. Liam gets up on top of the command chair and holds his hands up in the air. LIAM STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! Everyone stops and looks at Liam. LIAM That's better. For goodness sakes, people... LOOK AT YOURSELVES!!! The Voyager crew and the Kazon take out little compact mirrors and look at themselves. LIAM Not like that! I mean, why are you fighting? Why are you doing this? There's no reason too! You're not in the Delta Quadrant anymore! You're not even in your own reality any more. You... The ship shakes. Paris leans over and checks his console. PARIS Borg again. JANEWAY Blow them up. PARIS (presses button) Done. LIAM Like I was saying, why can't the two of you get along? I mean... You Kazon want technology You're going to need the help from Voyager officers to operate it properly! You people from Voyager need repair parts? ASK THE KAZON! They're born scavengers THEY CAN HELP!!! Liam hops off the command chair and makes his way through the crowd to Janeway and Cullah who still have their hands on each other's throats. LIAM Guys, you can make this work if you believe and try! Janeway and Cullah look at each other and let each other go. JANEWAY I... Guess he's right? ARTURO AMAZING! CULLAH Yes, Captain Janeway... Perhaps the amusing looking one has a point. Now that both our people are cut off from our... Uh... people, we can be mutually beneficial! JANEWAY I agree, Mage Cullah! CULLAH Peace then! Janeway takes Cullah's hand and shakes it. JANEWAY Peace! Suddenly the ship is shaken again. JANEWAY Borg AGAIN? Paris checks. PARIS No, it's... In the middle of the bridge, there is a flash of white light and suddenly TWO MEN in roman robes and laurels stand. These are OML #1 and OML #2. OML #1 Gaze on our greatness, small pitiful ones! We are the OML! The Omnipotent Meddling Life-forms of the Galaxy! You know it's true because we are dressed like Romans! OML #2 Say, I'm famished! Do any of you have any thing to eat? As if on cue, Neelix enters with a tray full of Hor'devores. NEELIX Bon appetite! JANEWAY What do you want? OML #1 We came to tell you just how DISAPPOINTED we are in you! LIAM Do what? OML #1 Well, we take all of the trouble reading the mind of this human... (he points at Liam) ...to create two opposing forces that would battle for our amusement and what do YOU do? You make peace! You make me want to puke! OML #2 (to Neelix) Say, these are delicious! Could I have the recipe? LIAM Whoa! You mean you guys created Voyager and the Kazon when you read my mind? ARTURO It WOULD explain why everyone on this ship was acting like an unstable blithering idiot. OML #1 We OML are a fickle lot and enjoy watching others suffer for our amusement. CHAKOTAY That's barbaric! OML #1 Yes... But now we have a dilemma... What to do with you now that you refuse to fight? CULLAH That's right! He takes Janeway's hand. CULLAH The Kazon and Federations are allies now! Janeway takes her hand away and wipes it on Cullah's shoulder. OML #1 Well, I suppose we'll just have to hold you both prisoner for a couple of hundred years and hope that your descendents are a little more willing to fight to the death. The bridge is engulfed in a deep silence. OML #2 sighs. OML #2 You just HAD to tell them that, didn't you? Don't suppose I'll be getting any more food now, will I? Neelix shakes his head, takes the plate away, and even grabs a morsel of food out of OML #2's mouth. ARTURO You CAN'T be serious! You're going to hold us prisoner? You can't do that! OML #1 Oh, but we can! Oh, but we WILL! We are superior! You are the fungus that grows between our toes! OML #2 Yeah, it would take at least twenty normal humans to subdue one of us! JANEWAY I see... Commander, quick count. How many people are on the bridge right now? TUVOK About sixty. JANEWAY I see... (a beat) GET THEM!!! Everyone on the bridge piles on top of the two OMLs. Among the hitting and smashing we hear the pitiful whines of the OMLs. OML #1 Ow! Ow! Not in the face! OML #2 Hey! Don't tear the robe! Not the robe! OML #1 You just HAD to tell them that, didn't you! OML #2 OW! SHUT UP!!! OML #1 Hey! That's not supposed to bend that way! OML #2 Oh, GOD! IT HURTS! OML #1 Oh, the pain! The pain! FADE TO: INT. VOYAGER TRANSPORTER ROOM Janeway, Chakotay, Seven of Nine, Liam, Arturo, and Bippo are bidding good-bye to Cullah and his Kazon. CULLAH It's been a pleasure fighting by your side, Captain. JANEWAY Indeed... Now begins a new age for both our people. CULLAH As soon as repairs to both vessels are complete, we shall pool our efforts to find a way back home. JANEWAY I look forward to it. (to transporter chief) Ensign Cadaver, energize. The Kazon disappear in a transporter effect. LIAM Well, now that THAT'S over with, why don't we see if we can find... Thad and Donner appear on the transporter pad. DONNER We did it! ARTURO Donner! Thad! BIPPO How did you get back here? LIAM Where've you been? SEVEN OF NINE (to Thad) Why are you naked? THAD (embarrassed) Oh sure! NOW I meet Seven of Nine. Janeway manages to stop staring at Thad. JANEWAY (stammers) Er.. Um.. Uh... What's going on here? DONNER It was awesome, captain Thad and I used the last several hours to sabotage the Kazon ship and transport ourselves over here! CHAKOTAY But we're friends with the Kazon now! DONNER Oops. JANEWAY What do you mean, "oops"? The ship shakes. KIM (over comm) Captain! The Kazon ship just exploded. It was BITCHIN! DONNER Sorry. Taking a leak in their antimatter pods SEEMED like a good idea. JANEWAY Ah... No harm, no foul... They smelled bad anyway, but we have a problem now... The OMLs blew up with them. Now, we're stuck here forever and have to decide what to do next! SEVEN OF NINE (looks at Thad's goods) Is that appendage supposed to do that? Everyone looks. JANEWAY (impressed) Wow. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG, STACY VaVOOM, DORIS, CHOCOLATE TREAT, GARY THE FANBOY, TEMPUS, JOHNATHAN, and JESSE meet on the front steps. STACY Anyone find any sign of them? DORIS I checked everywhere Liam would hang out... The adult bookstores, the Victoria's Secret... I didn't find anything. STACY They've been missing for a week! What if something's happened to them? Suddenly, there is a light from above. Everyone looks up. JESSE Great BEASTIES!!! EXT. LAS VEGAS Upda Creek Apartments are visible from a wider shot as the STARSHIP VOYAGER descends from the clouds and sets down in the middle of the street. Some jackass in a BMW screeches to a stop and honks at it. Paris sticks his head out a window and gives him the finger. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Everyone rushes to one of the giant landing legs in shock. Stacy reaches out and touches it in amazement. STACY What...? TEMPUS I don't know. I've never seen anything like it before. GARY It's the Starship Voyager. Intrepid Class, maximum speed: warp 9.95, Fifteen decks, bionueral circuitry... I saw every episode this baby's been in... And I complained about them endlessly the day after... the disgrace the show was! CHOCOLATE TREAT Then why didn't you just not watch it? Gary looks at Chocolate Treat and shakes his head. GARY You just... Don't get it, do you? Arturo, Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo materialize in a transporter beam. Everyone rushes up to see them. CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam! DORIS Bippo! JOHNATHAN (confused) Thad? STACY Donner! TRIUMPH (to Arturo) Tator tot! STACY Where have you guys been? Where's Elvis? What... LIAM We'll explain later... It's a long long story! STACY Liam... I though I'd lost you so I want you to know, I'm glad that I know you and... Even though I'm not happy with how things worked out and it still creeps me out, I'm glad I found my brother. LIAM Thanks, sis. Gary pulls Liam off his way. GARY (pointing to ship) You wanna explain? LIAM I will, Gary. Slowly, Voyager rises into the clouds and takes off into space. GARY Where are they going!? I had so many questions! So many things I wanted to say and stuff I wanted to complain about! ARTURO They were dragged from their own galaxy into ours... We offered them a chance to live here, but they decided to do what was in their blood. STACY What's that? ARTURO To boldly go where no one has gone before. Liam, Stacy, Arturo, Gary, and everyone else looks to the sky as the camera zooms out. EXT. SPACE Voyager flies up from the surface of the planet and towards the unknowns of space. The nacelles curve up and the ship jumps to warp. FADE OUT: THE END

Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode scored a 4.5 out of 5.