THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.05 - "The Puppy Episode"
Written by Jason Gaston INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT There is a knock at the door. LIAM SMITH enters and answers. STACY VaVOOM is there. LIAM Hi. STACY Hi. LIAM So. STACY So. LIAM & STACY I've been wanting to... (beat) You first. (best) No, I insist. Stacy and Liam do rock, paper, scissors until Liam wins. LIAM HA! Rock beats scissors IN YOUR FACE!!! STACY I'm very proud of you, Liam. Now, what did you want to say? LIAM Okay... Look, I know that things between us has been a little weird over the last couple of days. STACY Weird doesn't begin to cover it. The Loch Ness Monster is a little weird... A hermit crab overthrowing a small country is a little weird... Pink bandanas falling from the sky and turning into flying sperm whales that wear Osh Kosh B'Gosh would be a little weird. What happened to us cannot be described, Liam, because there is not yet an adequate word in the human language to describe it. LIAM Then let's call it a little kreeb. STACY I'll call Noah Webster. LIAM I know that we've been a little awkward around each other and that we've barely said a word to each other. Well... I want it to stop. STACY You do? LIAM Yeah. Stacy, I do. If you want me to, I'll move to another Apartment complex. STACY What? LIAM I hear that Withoutta Paddle's nice. STACY Liam, I don't want you to move. LIAM You don't? Whew, that's a relief. I've got a lot of heavy furniture. So, do you need help packing? STACY No, I'm not moving either. LIAM I don't understand. STACY Isn't that always the case? Liam, I don't want to move and I don't want you to move. I want to go on living here like we always have been. LIAM But, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. STACY Uncomfortable? Liam, are you crazy? I don't feel uncomfortable around you! Not in the least! LIAM But... I'm your brother and you almost MARRIED me! C'Mon! It's like that movie that came out last March. STACY Say it isn't so? LIAM But it is, Stacy! And we can't deny it anymore! We're just going to have to go our separate ways. STACY Liam... I want you to stop being stupid for ten seconds and listen to what I'm going to say. When our mom came skipped town this last time, she didn't just run out on you this time, but she ran out on me too. LIAM (sad) I hadn't thought of that. STACY She's not answering her cell phone... Daddy doesn't know where she is. God, Liam... I know she has a reason she can't be near us with the assassins and all but... She begins to cry. Liam walks over and puts a hand on her arm. STACY I mean... I just found out that I have a brother that I never knew about! LIAM I'm sorry... I never considered... (beat) All right. Despite everything, I got a sister out of the deal and I'm happy to finally know you. C'Mere, sis. Liam and Stacy hug. BIPPO enters and sees them. BIPPO Aw, nerts! (yelling out door) THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN!!! FADE OUT: --- Sung to the Theme of "That 70's Show" We we are! Back on Earth! Wrapping up plot threads, while new ones are birthed! Couldn't think of a title, for this story and that's vital. Ooooo Yeah! Olé ---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

ALSO STARRING

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

Dolph Lungren
as
"Tank"

Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"

David Peckinpah
as
Satan

Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"

and
Scrappy Doo

SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Lee Meriweather
as
"Malicious" --- FADE IN: EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS Establishing shot. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is mixing strange chemicals into a potion. Suddenly, she holds the beaker over her head. SENESTRA AT LAST!!! MY GREATEST WORK COMPLETED!!! ROCK enters from the left. ROCK HI! Senestra jumps and almost drops the beaker. SENESTRA ROCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MAH LAH-BORE-AH-TORY!!?? ROCK Dah... SENESTRA Nevermind. I'm glad you're here because I need a guinea pig. ROCK Aw, do you have to mess with Mr. Beepers again? He still has a leg growing out of his forehead. SENESTRA No, not Mr. Beepers, you dulting lump of feces, mixed with poo, toped with crap, and wrapped in a layer of scat! I mean you! I need a human test subject and you're the closest thing I have right now despite the sloping forehead. ROCK Dah... SENESTRA Here. Drink this poison... I mean, potion Rock takes the beaker, put it on the desk, and bounces a quarter off the desk which lands in the beaker. He downs the potion and slams the beaker upside down on the desk. ROCK YEAH!!! SENESTRA All right, I'm taking away your copy of "Coyote Ugly". Do you feel anything yet, my lumbering lump of loathful lice-ridden lackey? ROCK (smacks lips) Fruity! SENESTRA GAH! Senestra walks away from him and stands looking out the window. SENESTRA Blast! That was supposed to have been the most lethal arsenic known to man! I intended to slip it into the water supply and, thus, rid myself of the troubling population of this city. Rock begins to convulse in the background. Senestra, caught up in her own problems, fails to notice. SENESTRA It was a perfect plan! The potion was deadly and the arsenic levels of the water would have still been below President Bush's limit. I tell you, Rock... A republican president in the pocket of big business is a super villain's dream. Rock falls down. SENESTRA Rock? She turns around and sees him on the ground. SENESTRA Rock? She kicks him. SENESTRA Oh well. I guess that's that. Rock suddenly jumps to his feet and looks around. ROCK How curious! I seem to be experiencing a sensation all together new to me. The inside of my head is alive and tingling and all sorts of images and concepts are flooding in... Is... Is this what one calls thinking? SENESTRA Huh? ROCK Of course! I understand now. The quote/unquote arsenic that you used must have actually been some sort of ill-mixed concoction that simulated my synapses. SENESTRA Bah? ROCK Yes, it's true! I can feel the neurons actually firing! Oh, bliss! This is perhaps the greatest fate that has ever befallen me! SENESTRA (excited) ROCK! Where did you put that potion!? ROCK I drank it all. SENESTRA BLAST! With that mixture I could become superintelligent and RULE THE WORLD!!! Now it's lost forever! ROCK Yes, they're called notes Miss Malevolous... Why don't you look into them? SENESTRA Why you INSOLENT...!!! The intercom buzzes TANK (over intercom) D'ah, Miss Malevolous? SENESTRA I said NO INTERRUPTIONS!!! TANK (over intercom) Y-Yeah, d'ah know you said no interpretations... But SHE'S here. SENESTRA Who? TANK (over intercom) SHE! ROCK (sighs) Your mother. SENESTRA (beat) SH*T!!! Suddenly, the door is kicked in and MALICIOUS MALEVOLOUS enters. MALICIOUS DARLING! SENESTRA (grits teeth) Mother... MALICIOUS Come give your mother a kiss. It's been ages! What have you been up to? SENESTRA W-Well, I've been trying to take over the world. MALICIOUS Yes... Heard about that P.E.N.I.S. fiasco. Pity. Cute idea, but honestly.. Trying to conquer the world with a small phallic device named after a dangly bit? It's no wonder you didn't succeed. ROCK She didn't even check the anagram. They just came out that way! MALICIOUS Oh, Senestra! I thought I raised you better than this! Introduce me you your friend! SENESTRA This isn't my friend! It's Rock! ROCK (correcting) Roger. MALICIOUS A pleasure to meet you, Roger. ROCK The pleasure is all mine, madame. Miss Malevolous neglected to mention what a fetching mother she had. MALICIOUS (giggles) Oh, you! SENESTRA Mother! Why are you here!? MALICIOUS I'm in town for the trade conference. It's such a hassle being the undisputed dictator of a small country. SENESTRA So you keep telling me. MALICIOUS There peace conferences, trade conferences, small villages to bomb. SENESTRA Mother, enough! MALICIOUS I'm just kidding! I don't bomb my own people! I love my people and help them all I can! I'm like Oskar Schindler... In that we both sold bombs to the Nazis, but dammit... MINE WORKED!!! SENESTRA You can't stand it unless you shove my face in your success, can you!? You rule a country! You're a dictator! YOUR throne is covered in human skin. Well, I'm SICK of it! Leave! MALICIOUS But, I have nowhere to go! There isn't a Republic of Malevolosia embassy here since they found the pirated Star Wars DVDs! SENESTRA Then stay in the spare bedroom! I don't care. Senestra storms out, slamming the door behind her. MALICIOUS Such a temperamental child. ROCK Indeed. MALICIOUS So, Roger... What is it you... Do... Around here? ROCK I'm a henchman. MALICIOUS And what does that entail? ROCK Henching mostly. (a beat) Little joke. Malicious giggles. MALICIOUS Oh, Roger... My daughter may be a total bitch, but I'm glad I came so that I could meet you. She takes his hand. MALICIOUS VERY glad. She makes eyebrows at him. A beat. ROCK That's code for "I'm horny", isn't it? MALICIOUS Very. So, what do you say? Rock checks his watch. ROCK All right then. They embrace in a session of heavy petting and fall out of sight. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, BIPPO, and THAD enter and plop down on the couch. BIPPO Boy! What crawled up Miss Malevolous's ass this morning? LIAM I don't know, but I've never had a worse day at work in my life. THAD Tell me about it. She cornered me today and asked me what my job was... I couldn't answer! So much for turning over a new leaf. BIPPO Yeah, you did kind of promise yourself that you'd do that after you gained control of the werewolf in you, didn't you? Well, looks like another in a long line of Thads. THAD What? BIPPO When someone does something stupid and useless, everyone here calls it a "Thad". THAD They do not. The phone rings. Liam answers. LIAM Hello? (a beat) Yes, professor? (a beat) Yes, I asked around but no one was interested in the job. THAD Job? LIAM (on phone) Yes, I asked everyone. THAD Let me talk to him! LIAM Just a second. (on phone) Have you gone down to the employment agencies yet? Maybe they-- Thad yanks the phone away from Liam and holds it to his ear. ARTURO (over phone) ...yes, Liam... But I don't want to hire anyone to Thad things up around here. THAD Professor? ARTURO (on phone) Gah! Thad, my boy! I was just talking about you! THAD You said something about a job? ARTURO (on phone) Er... Uh... Um... Y-Yes, it's sort of a Thad-eary position, though. THAD It's a what? ARTURO (on phone) Nevermind. I'm trying to find someone to replace Elvis, what with him being on Uranus and all. Please don't make the joke I can feel you're about to make. THAD Well, all right but I thought it was a good one. Look, I think that I might be interested in filling Elvis's blue suede shoes. ARTURO (over phone) You are. THAD I am. ARTURO (O.S.) You CAN'T be serious! Everyone whirls around and sees Arturo standing at the door. Thad looks at him, then at the phone, then back at him and hangs up. THAD I am serious! ARTURO It's a lot of responsibility! You know, the "R" word? THAD I can handle it! Seriously, professor... Circus Circus is a stinking pit in which few return. You'd have to be a total pathetic looser to want to keep working there. No offense, guys. BIPPO Hey, don't mince words on MY account. THAD Please, professor... Just give me a chance. The professor thinks about it. ARTURO All right. You're hired! Thad holds his arms in the air in triumph. THAD Woo-Who! ARTURO Now, if you don't mind... Chocolate Treat dropped a wig down the toilet and sewage is overflowing in the basement. Jesse and Johnathan's voices filter through the floor. JESSE (through floor) Make me a promise to hold on, Johnathan! Never let go! JOHNATHAN (through floor) I'll never let go. A splash. JESSE (through floor) You LET GO, DICK!!! Oh, hey! Corn! Cool! ARTURO I think you'd better hurry. Arturo leaves. Thad's arms are still in the air, his face frozen in terror. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Rock and Tank are seated doing nothing. TANK D'ah, it's not dat I'm not happy for you wit' you're brains and stuff, but I just feel and little... D'ah... He looks at a note on his hand. TANK What's this word? ROCK Rejected. TANK Rejected. ROCK Don't feel rejected, my comrade in arms! Embrace my new gift of knowledge for it will open doors to opportunities that you cannot possibly imagine! Tank stares blankly. ROCK Oh, I'm sorry... I used big words again, didn't I Terrance? Tank nods. Senestra enters in a huff carrying a piece of paper. Malicious follows. MALICIOUS Will you STOP for just one second and tell your mother WHAT'S going on? SENESTRA I had a worker QUIT! MALICIOUS You fired him? SENESTRA No. MALICIOUS You killed him? SENESTRA NO! He came in, said "I quit", and walked out the door. MALICIOUS Senestra! You should be ashamed of yourself! SENESTRA (crying) ...and He called me by my first name in front of everyone! I've never been so humiliated in my entire life. TANK What about duh time you were turned into uh giant blueberry? ROCK Or the time you were denied entrance into the Tribunal of Evil? TANK Or the time that-- SENESTRA SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU!!! It's time for me to do what always relaxes me. Tank... Take off your clothes. Tanks does so. Senestra walks up to him, picks up the clothes, goes to a washing machine and starts it up. SENESTRA (relaxed) Listen to that humm. Rock. Strip. Rock hands her a laundry basket. ROCK I took the liberty of gathering my garments ahead of time. SENESTRA Fine. Senestra starts putting clothes into the washer. She stops and holds up a pair of briefs with lipstick marks on the crotch. She looks at Rock and smiles. SENESTRA Rocky, I'm shocked! You actually scored with someone! Rock nervously looks at Malicious. ROCK Er... Um... Uh... Yeah. SENESTRA Probably some two-bit piece of street trash, huh? Well give us details! Rock is sweating bullets. ROCK I... Uh... Senestra looks at the briefs. SENESTRA Hey, mom... This looks just like your shade. What are the odds of that hap-- Senestra freezes. MALICIOUS Senestra, sweetie... SENESTRA Oh... My... God. MALICIOUS Senestra. SENESTRA You humped my henchman! MALICIOUS Hump is such a dirty word! I much prefer to say that we porked. SENESTRA I can't believe this!!! MALICIOUS Try to see thing from my perspective. He has a huge penis and I Was horny! SENESTRA I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS!!! MALICIOUS Oh, sweetie... Surely you have partaken of the fruits of your henchmen before. SENESTRA NO! MALICIOUS You mean you never rode the Rock? SENESTRA NO! MALICIOUS Teamed the Tank? SENESTRA NO! MALICIOUS You never said hello to Mr. Willy with ANY of your help? SENESTRA NO, NO, GOD NO!!! MALICIOUS Oh, dear... You should really try it some time. I mean, after all... You've got the men and, let's face it, they never do anything useful anyway. Might as well hop on the good and do the bad thing. SENESTRA Mom... MALICIOUS Take Roger for example. He makes the cutest sounds in the throes of passion. EEE!!! EEE!!! EEE!!! Senestra holds her hands to her ears, screams, and runs out the door. MALICIOUS (beat) Well, that was rude. (to Rock) Wanna have another go? Rock checks his watch. ROCK All right then. Tank, my good fellow... Get the lights on your way out. Rock and Malicious dive into each other ripping their clothes off. Tank, in his boxers, looks around uncomfortably and heads out the door flipping the lights off as he does. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS HALLWAY Thad walks by covered in filth carrying a wrench. TEMPUS walks by and stops. TEMPUS What's that smell? THAD The sewer overflowed in the basement. TEMPUS (confused) Sewer? THAD Yeah, you know... The poop chute? Tempus still looks confused. THAD The crap flap? The poo lagoon? The burial ground of lesser pets? TEMPUS Huh? THAD It's a... Hell, you go to the bathroom, right? TEMPUS To wash. THAD And what else? TEMPUS Uh... I give up, what? THAD Well... To... Relieve yourself. TEMPUS Of what? THAD Come on, are you seriously telling me that people don't take dumps in the 31st century? TEMPUS Dump WHAT!? Thad whispers it in Tempus' ear. Tempus' face registers in disgust. TEMPUS YOU MADE THAT UP!!! THAD You mean to tell me that you don't do it? TEMPUS NO! My body is genetically engineered to use one hundred percent of all of the food I intake. I don't... Uck! Dispose of it in that manner! You made this "poo" thing up! It's unthinkable! No one does that! THAD Of course they do. TEMPUS Then show me. THAD What? TEMPUS Show me! THAD It's a little private. TEMPUS See? You're making it up. THAD If I'm making it up, how do you explain the weird looking seats in all the bathrooms around here. Tempus goes pale. TEMPUS Is THAT what those are? THAD Yeah. TEMPUS I've been washing my clothes in those! And... The seats where the water runs down the back? THAD The urinals? TEMPUS (confused) Your-in-alls? Some sort of back washer, correct? THAD Look, this isn't a conversation I really want to be having. Go rent a Farley brothers movie. Thad walks off. TEMPUS Hey, what about the mints in the your-in-alls? They ARE to eat, right? (a beat, more worried) Right? Tempus spits out a hunk of white. EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS ROOFTOP Senestra is sitting alone when, suddenly, a wave of hellfire flashes into existence behind her. SATAN appears. SATAN Senestra Malevolous. SENESTRA (not looking) Go away. I'm not in the mood for whatever your selling. SATAN I am no salesman. Gaze upon me! Senestra turns around. SENESTRA Hey, you're... Oh... What's-his face... Uh... Bill Zebub or something. SATAN I am known by many names. SENESTRA Right... I've been following your work. Big fan. SATAN (surprised) Thank you. SENESTRA That whole suffering and pestilence thing? Marvelous! And I love the way you're always making life hard for Cow and Chicken. SATAN (sighs) I'm not THAT guy! I'm telling you, once my copyright infringement suit gets going, there will be HELL TO PAY!!! SENESTRA So, what are you selling? SATAN I'm not selling anything! SENESTRA You sure? 'Cause I've been having a dreadful day. SATAN Yes, I... SENESTRA First, my mother comes to town uninvited and starts criticizing everything I do. SATAN Let me... SENESTRA THEN one of my worker whose spirits I could have SWORN I'd broken, up and quits on me. SATAN I am... SENESTRA I'd replace him, but I was never really sure of what he did in the first place. It's been a very... (she looks at a dictionary) ...kreeb day. SATAN Please let... SENESTRA THEN I find out that my MOTHER is sleeping with my HENCHMAN! SATAN SILENCE!!! I... (a beat) Your HENCHMAN!!! SENESTRA Yeah. SATAN That's GRODY!!! SENESTRA Tell me about it. Would your mother ever do anything like that? SATAN My mother is a saint. SENESTRA I didn't think so. SATAN No, seriously, she is! I was the black sheep of the family. SENESTRA Are you sure you're not selling anything? SATAN I'm not selling anything! I swear to God! A beat. SATAN Did I just say that? SECRETARY Well, Mr. Zebub... If you're not selling anything, what is it you want? SATAN I am SATAN! Lightning flashes. SATAN I come to you with a... SENESTRA How'd you do that? SATAN Do what? SENESTRA The lightning thing! Really cool effect! SATAN (sighs) Look... All one has to do is speak the name of evil and nature reacts. But enough about that, I... SENESTRA George W. Bush! Lighting crash. SENESTRA That's awesome! SATAN Yes, now... SENESTRA Harry Potter! Lightning crash. SENESTRA Martha Stewart! Lightning crash. SENESTRA Lars Ulrich! Lightning crash. SENESTRA Vince McMahon Lighting crash. SENESTRA The guy from Blues Clues! Lightning crash. SENESTRA Senestra Malvolous! Silence. SENESTRA Figures. SATAN Miss Malevolous, PLEASE!!! SENESTRA What? SATAN I am SATAN. Lightning crash. Satan mumbles a curse. SATAN I come to you with an invitation to join me. SENESTRA In what? SATAN In taking over the world! SENESTRA YOU want to take over the world too? SATAN Yes, and soon I will have the means to do so, but I need your help. SENESTRA Do you? SATAN I do. SENESTRA And what are you going to do for me? SATAN (smiles) Thought you'd never ask. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Rock and Malicious are on the desk about to make some serious whoopee. MALICIOUS Oh, Roger! TAKE ME NOW!!! Rock looks up in confusion. ROCK D'ah... Where? MALICIOUS What? ROCK Where dah you want me tah take you? MALICIOUS Roger? You look a little blank. How do you feel? ROCK (thinks hard) Oh! I know! With this fingery things! He wiggles his fingers. MALICIOUS I don't believe this! ROCK Yeah... Dey call um fingers... But dey don't "fing" anything! MALICIOUS So... I guess you're a stupid clod again. I guess it doesn't matter since you've still got it where it counts if you know what I mean. Rock stares at her blankly. MALICIOUS Of course you don't. It's all right, dummy. I'll guide you through it. Take your pants off. Rock does so. ROCK It is laundry time again? Malicious looks in shock. MALICIOUS WHAT the...? W-Where did it GO!? ROCK D'ah think I see it! Malicious squints and slumps. MALICIOUS SH*T! FADE TO: EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS Bellboys are loading luggage into a limo in the front drive. Senestra, Rock, Tank, and Malicious comes out. SENESTRA (sweetly sarcastic) Oh... Such a PITY you couldn't stay longer! MALICIOUS Well, just remember... When you DO conquer the world, The Republic of Malevolosia has immunity, right? SENESTRA As far as you know. MALICIOUS Well, good bye dear. SENESTRA Good bye, mother. MALICIOUS (to Rock) Good bye, Pee Wee. Tell your Pee Wee Wee-Wee I said toodles. Malicious gets into the limo and it drives away. Senestra smirks and goes inside. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Senestra enters. Satan is sitting at the desk. SENESTRA I have to admit, this proposed merger of yours has... Definite perks. SATAN I'm glad you agree. So, are you in? SENESTRA I'm in. Satan goes to shake her hand, but instead Senestra grabs him and the two fall behind the desk. Shreds of clothing fly into the air. INT. SATAN'S THRONEROOM KATHY HILTER and SCRAPPY DOO are waiting when Satan shows up with lipstick smears all over him. He's walking with a slight limp. SCRAPPY DOO Master? SATAN Scrappy. KATHY How did the meeting with Senestra Malevolous go? SATAN It was... Very productive. SCRAPPY DOO So, did you get down to business? SATAN Yes... Yes we did. KATHY Is she in? SATAN (smirks) Yes... You might even say that I was "in" to her. SCRAPPY DOO So she will team up with us? SATAN She will and wants to. In fact, you MIGHT even say that we had sex! Scrappy and Kathy are silent. SCRAPPY DOO Okay, that's a mental image I didn't need. Satan steps up to his throne. SATAN With myself, you Scrappy and you Kathy and now Senestra Malevolous... All four sides are completed. SCRAPPY DOO Four sides of what? SATAN The four sides... Of the QUADRANGLE!!! FADE OUT: THE END

Before freepolls shut down their review-its, this episode scored a 4.3 out of 5.