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The Gift
Part 1
Many years ago when I was still a young man and had not yet got married. My father sent me away from our cold mountains to speak for him and our lords and ministers in a strange land far south. I spent one year there and saw many strange and wonderful things. Made good friends and learned I was indeed a man of the sword not of the spoken word and the pen…and I found the endless negotiations tedious and frustrating. It was just a year of my life. Still the visit changed me in more ways than one and even though I remember well the beauty of their country, the dark richness of their women and the luxury of their ways of life. (That I really got used to and left behind me sulkily.) The events that I now will relate to you are what really made an imprint on my mind.
*
His hand shivered slightly as it neared my back. It was drenched in finest oil; I could sense its heavy scent. But he didn’t reach it, I grabbed his wrist and he startled. I could see fear in his face. I wasn’t going to hurt him but he didn’t know that. As he saw it he had every reason to be afraid. If he didn’t suit me his head sat literally loose on his shoulders. I wouldn’t allow it, but he didn’t know that either.
What I didn’t know was what I was going to do with him. I was not used to having someone wait on me and certainly not in the bath. I was rather annoyed that they had sent him here, I didn’t care whether that were the only thing they were for or not. He clenched his jaws together and I realised suddenly that I was holding his wrist too hard. I let go and he exhaled relieved but didn’t make a single sound. I took the flask from him and he understood I didn’t want his help rubbing it in and drew back a bit. He didn’t leave though and I couldn’t tell him to. I could push him out but was too lazy to get out of the tub.
I thought that if I was to be forced to keep him I had to at least teach him my language as soon as possible. I sighed; this would mean extra work for me, work I had not anticipated. At that moment I wished I could just return him but they would see it as an insult and kill him. They would chop his head off, if he were lucky… more likely they would strangle him.
I rubbed the oil into my skin and enjoyed both the scent and the massage that softened my stiff and sore muscles. It was a luxury of theirs that I had got used to. He was another sort of luxury that I did not want to get used to. I cast a sour look in his direction and he cowered and stared at the floor. I felt a twinge of guilt. It wasn’t his fault. As they saw it he was just a pretty object to be given away as a polite gift. The poor bastard must fear for his very life right now.
I ignored him for a while though. I was just too tired and too eager to enjoy this bath after the strenuous hunt earlier to handle this right now. When I felt I was finished though I got out of the tub and covered myself with a big towel. He still knelt at the tiled floor and still stared down into it as I went up to him. He tried not to move but I could see that he followed my feet across the floor out of the corner of his eyes. I put my hand on his shoulder and he raised his arm, on sheer impulse it seemed as if he thought I was going to hit him. I wasn’t very good at speaking their language but now I tried to make myself understood.
-You don’t have to be afraid… I said to him.
Or I hoped that was what I was saying because he looked rather surprised at my words. But I guess that to him that would be surprising even if I did get the words right. I signed to him to get on his feet and he obeyed but stubbornly kept his gaze on the floor. I knew he was supposed to do that but it still annoyed me. To me it signalled more of a guilty conscious than respect. How can a person show you respect by refusing to meet your eyes? I didn’t know how to tell him to look up so I simply grabbed his chin and raised his head. He managed, in some strange way to look at me and avoid my eyes at the same time though.
I studied his face. It was smooth and beardless of course, he never had one and would never grow one either. Though I would guess there were other parts of his body he missed more. He wasn’t tall; reached me to my shoulder and casting just a glimpse at him he could very well be taken for a girl. His face could as well have been a girl’s were it not for a certain angularity to it and the piece of apple stuck in his throat since the dawn of time would in either case give him away if one was not sure of his gender. He had big dark eyes, a thin, finely chiselled nose, exquisitely curved lips, high cheekbones and a slightly pointed chin. These appealing features were enhanced with crimson, umber and kohl. These pigments helped create the illusion of a woman of course but I think he would have been quite pretty even without it. Long brown/blackish hair framed it all and through it I could spot a pair of big silver rings in his ears but that was the only jewellery he wore. He was dressed in some dark green robe that also could have been worn by a woman. Even though it covered his whole body, the hem reaching the floor, long sleeves, high neck, I could see that he was very lean.
He still looked scared, I could sense that he didn’t want to be here anymore than I wanted him here. I asked him his name; it was a simple enough phrase for me to have learnt it well. Then finally he met my eyes for a few seconds and again looked surprised but answered meekly. His voice was strangely indefinable. It reminded of a child’s voice but it wasn’t, it reminded of a woman’s voice, but it wasn’t. It was clearly not a man’s voice but it reminded of that too. It struck me that those definitions could be used to describe him on the whole. I guessed it was the curse of the kinds of his, to remind of both a man and a woman and also a child but being none of that. It was for that matter impossible to guess his age. He could be 15 or 25, I couldn’t tell.
One thing I did notice though was the dead look in his eyes. I could see feelings in his face and movements, fear, apprehension, worry…but they didn’t reach his eyes which seemed empty and without spark. Seeing such a resigned look in such a young person's eyes I thought after all it could be interesting to keep him on for a while. My curiosity had been raised and I guess my feelings of compassion too.
My curiosity also concerned his anatomy I must confess, I’ve heard of his kind and I had shuddered at the thought but had never seen such a nut-less groin and could not imagine in my head what it would look like. Now I could easily have ordered him to show me and I was tempted, but decided not to. It would take too much of my time to try to explain to him what it was that I wanted from him and besides I would probably scare him even more.
I let go of him and reached for my clothes. By now he had probably understood I didn’t want his help in anything and he didn’t follow any impulse to assist me. He just stood as before as I got dressed and as I went for the door he would probably remain standing like an effigy right there if I hadn’t waved to him to follow me. I went to find the ceremonial master and found him soon enough. He was in his library as was mostly the case.
*
-Greetings my friend. He said with his old creaky voice.
I liked this man. He was wise if anyone was and a mild character. But he got respect from everybody just the same and no one looked down at his arched old back, greyish hair and small frame. He had helped me much here and one of his best features was that he spoke my language. He was also the one that had taught me the few phrases I knew of his language, but I admit I have been a slow learner.
-Good morning Master Tesuan, said I in reply, am I disturbing you?
-Of course not, what can I do for you?
I smiled a wry smile and pointed behind me at the green clad slave in my tracks. Lord Tesuan looked behind me and smiled too.
-I see. He said.
-Is this by any chance the gift you mentioned that the Emir would give me? He smiled even wider.
-That would be the one, yes.
-Is there any chance that I could return him?
-Of course, leered the old man, just tell the Emir that he’s not what you want…he will give you someone else, a girl maybe? Well, he will destroy this one and give you a new one…
He was joking with me I could tell. Not that what he said wasn’t the absolute truth, we both knew that, but he knew that that wasn’t what I‘d meant.
-Hm, I don’t exactly want a servant of any kind…
-Impossible, at least in this palace…
I sighed.
-That’s what I was afraid of. So, can you tell him a few things for me?
The old man nodded and looking past me again he motioned for the boy to come inside the room and approach him. He obeyed at once and knelt before the old man. He didn’t tell him to rise again but turned to me.
-What do you want him to know?
I thought about it for a while and then spoke.
-I want you to tell him that he has nothing to fear, I’ll keep him. At least until I leave the castle. But after that I can’t take him with me…If he’ll be in danger here I’ll take him as far as the city to find someone to take him in but that’s all I can do…
I paused and Lord Tesuan spoke to him, translating my words. He nodded slowly in response as to show he’d heard what he was told but didn’t seem to react on it in any other way. I continued.
-Then I want him to know that he doesn’t have to wait on me hand and foot, that will only annoy me, tell him to keep out of the way as much as possible…
-Now you’re being stupid. Interrupted Lord Tesuan.
-What? Why?
-That’s the only thing he knows how to do and you shouldn’t keep the likes of him lazy like that. Let him serve you, there’s no shame in it either for you or for him. You are not lazy just for receiving some service. Your mind and body is made for greater things, let him take care of the lesser things, that’s what he is for. Besides you’ll need as much rest as you can possible get. You are heading towards trying times…He silenced and let his word sink in before he continued.
-Don’t feel uncomfortable by having him at your feet, it doesn’t hurt him, he doesn’t know anything else. Enjoy the luxury while it last.
I thought about it. He might be right I guessed.
-Well, then…tell him…explain to him that I’m not used to servants like him but that I will try to accept it…Try! I don’t want him annoying me.
He smiled.
-He won’t, they can be shadows these ones if they are required to…
He turned to him again and talked to him, the same small movements of his head, nothing else. Lord Tesuan then turned to me again.
-Anything else I should tell him?
-No…I guess that was all… Oh no, wait, tell him to learn my language…or at least some of it…is there by any chance any possibility that you might teach him a few phrases…? Just to get by…you know…
I started to feel embarrassed by my request as if the ceremonial master didn’t have enough important things to attend to already. He wouldn’t have time to teach a slave how to talk a foreign language. Lord Tesuan saw my embarrassment and laughed.
-I guess it would be practical if he spoke a word or two of your language…especially since you seem to make so little progress in learning ours…We do have little time for such, both you and me but I tell you what. We will both teach him, little by little. I’ll tell him that he’s supposed to learn as much as he can and he will certainly pick up a few lines on his own as well.
-You think he can?
-I’m sure of it, they did remove his testicles but lucky for us I think they kept his brains…
He laughed out aloud at this joke and I joined wholeheartedly in it. Relieved at the opportunity to laugh away that awkward moment I felt had arisen in the room earlier as I talked silly and was mildly and lovingly taunted for it.
*
Two months later I must confess I had started to feel used to having him around. He had learned to speak my language surprisingly well. Either he was a natural or, which I suspected, he had already had some notion of it though I couldn’t figure out from where.
We had agreed on what kind of services I wanted and he performed them to my satisfaction. He was always silent until I wanted him to speak. He circled around me like a shadow and was always gone in an instant if I wanted him to, so I couldn’t say that he ever did anything that was a cause for irritation for me. And I had started to like him well too.
Still I must admit I was quite mean to him sometimes. I don’t know why? Maybe because he never gave me a reason to punish him for anything. He never disobeyed me or challenged my orders or showed any disrespect or even made mistakes. Maybe it was the perfectibility of his manners that annoyed me. Maybe the power I was given over another human being corrupted me?
First time I hit him I was already in a really bad mood. The negotiations with the other diplomats that morning had gone really bad. I had talked to deaf ears it seemed and I was greatly upset and frustrated as I returned to my quarters. Seeing his meek appearance in my rooms angered me even more. He raised his head at me as I surprisingly walked in much earlier than anticipated and that gave me the excuse I needed to let my anger out on him. I slapped him across the mouth. Not that hard really but enough to have caused him quite some pain and my ring slit his lip. His head flew backwards at the hit but he regained his posture the seconds after and stood as before. He didn’t say a word or moved a bit. Just a slight shiver to his shoulders told me of the fear, pain and turmoil that must have raged inside of him. That he just took this abuse made me even more furious and I raised my hand to strike him again. He didn’t even try to escape me, he just raised his hands to protect his face and I could have sworn that he would not have done even that if it had not been a reflex and he couldn't control it. The sight of his blood trickling from his lip over his chin stopped me though and I felt ashamed that I was hurting him.
Since then he had had to endure quite a few similar situations which he always did without a word of protest. I guess he thought it was still better to get hit now and then, then to get his neck decorated by a silk string. I admit I enjoyed hurting him like that in some strange way at the same time, as I always felt guilty about it. It did feel wrong to hit him. He rarely did anything to deserve it. He was so much smaller and weaker than I was and he was a total victim to my arbitrary whims. It was indeed a cowardly deed to pick a fight with such a pathetic and helpless creature. But I realised that that’s what I was doing. I guess I wanted to provoke some action out of him. See some spark in those dead eyes of his. That he would just take my abuse without a reaction really annoyed me and beckoned to the surface my most vicious nature it seemed.
So I used to beat him, I changed him too. I didn’t like the way they had enhanced his androgynous nature. I made him dress in men’s clothes and forbade him the use of any pigmentation and took the earrings from him. Finally I made him cut his hair so that it only reached his shoulders as opposed to before when the thick matted strands had trailed his back almost to his knees. I don’t know what he thought of this change. He just obeyed and neither said nor showed anything. I thought he ought to be happy not to be forced being like a woman, but I guess he was used to it. I don’t know if it helped that much though. He still looked somewhat like a girl dressed out in men’s clothes and his female manners was harder to extinguish. He had a slow graceful way of moving around that spoke against any manly attributes that I would make him wear. I didn’t think this change abuse in any case and didn’t feel as bad about it as when I now and then hit him. But I’m ashamed to admit I would soon do worse things to him…
*
I’m not sure what brought it on. I had been in the city all day with a gang of randy gentlemen from the court. And we had stayed for the night too to feast at the inns, drinking hard and exploring the underworld of the city.
I was in the mood not only for fun and intoxication but for the pleasures of women as well. And first I had planned the same as my friends of the night. To find a whore that I could pay to satisfy me any way I wanted to and not have to invest any kinds of feelings in the affair. But then I saw this woman at the inn. She was something else. Pretty, in an interesting way. Not that kind of empty beauty that so many pretty girls own. Her eyes had sparks of intelligence and she had character. Now, that was a woman you didn’t want to pay, that was a woman you wanted to make want you. And with my manly pride built up by a glass or two too much of wine i ventured out to seduce this woman…and failed miserably…
As I went back to the palace late that night I was in a very bad mood. I had a bad headache from the drinking. I was sorely hurt in my manly pride. And I was still aroused, having had no chance to relieve my male desires without being ridiculed by the others.
As I crashed through the doors, cursing, I decided to drink myself to sleep and I headed for his bed to kick him awake so he could serve me some wine. He was already up though. Just standing there with his gaze at the floor waiting for orders. I got mad just looking at him. I needed to relieve my angers but as always he did his best to not give me a chance. He was up and ever ready. Not so strange, making the sounds I did coming home I would have woken up a cemetery. I refrained from hitting him there and then with some difficulty and told him to get me wine and then I threw myself at the soft divans in my sitting room. He came soon enough with a decanter and a glass for me. Drunk though I was I could see he was nervous now. He must have known I was just looking for a reason to hurt him and he was scared.
I don’t know if his nervousness made him clumsy, or (which was more likely) if I was too drunk to keep my glass still. In either case he spilled wine on my arm. Poured half a glass over my sleeve. My shirt soaked it up rather quickly but some still dripped in my lap and my clothes, which had bright colours, got badly stained.
I remained still and quiet for a few seconds but we both knew that was just the calm before the storm. He usually never drew back when I hit him he just took it. But this time he must have known it would be worse than usual. Sober I was maybe easy angered but always controlled my temper again rather quickly. Drunk, he probably suspected I wouldn’t care to control myself at all. He backed away from me as I rose clumsily from the low divan, but as he realised he couldn’t get away from me he dropped to his knees at my feet and tried to protect his head with his arms. I pulled him up again by his hair and hit him across the face with the back of my hand. I struck him that hard that I at once got as stained with his blood as I was with the wine. He fell to the floor again and I was satisfied to finally get a loud moan of real pain out of him. I think a part of me wanted him to stand up and hit me back, but of course he didn’t.
As he laid at my feet I was amazed of how much he reminded me of a woman and suddenly I felt myself being aroused again and I felt the feelings of my hurt pride wash over me. How she had laughed at me that damn woman. I’d show her…
I didn’t think, I just reacted. I grabbed him by the hair again and pushed him against a sideboard. Made him bend over it. He struggled a little but went limp and co-operative enough after I had hit him a few more times.
I can’t describe what I did then more clearly than that I simply raped him. I still today don’t like to think about it, but at that moment I did not care. I had wanted him to react…now he did. He screamed in utter agony and tried to claw away from the excruciating pain that ravaged his body as I tore him open. (I found marks from his nails on the wooden tabletop later.) He cried like a woman and begged me to stop. I was too aroused to care about his pleadings though and when I finally was relieved and released him he fell in a heap at the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
I looked down at my doings. I felt sober now and sickened at what I’d done. He bled all over it seemed and at the sight of that I finally woke up from my numbness. I couldn’t get him to stand on his feet so I simply lifted him up and carried him to the bath. He wasn’t heavy. I got his clothes off him and started to clean his wounds. He had stopped crying now and had regained his usual manner it seemed, but I could see he was very shook up. His eyes were wide open and he was shaking like a leaf. But he let me take care of him.
Needless to say I was greatly ashamed of myself the next day. Not only because what I had done to the poor boy but for the deed in itself too. I had never felt myself drawn to men before and I thought the deed a shameful one. I knew many men of this court used these boys like this quite often. Here it wasn’t considered a shameful act since they were not really considered men. But among my people we had nothing of the kind and woman-like as he was I couldn’t get pass the fact that he after all was a man, however reduced in manliness.
I blamed the whole thing on my drunken state, I blamed the proud woman at the inn that had remained cold towards my courting and I blamed his feminine nature that had teased my growing tensions. And in the end I talked against myself and defended my actions by making it into an act of dominance and rage that had had nothing really to do with sexual desires. And I think it indeed was about all of those things, but maybe there was something else there too…?
In any case I avoided thinking about it. And there were three weeks left until I was to leave and up till then I intended to treat him good to make up for what I did to him, I wasn’t going to say I was sorry to his face, but I wouldn’t treat him badly. Before I would leave I would find someone in the city to take him in and then I wouldn’t have to see him any more and could lay this behind me.
*
-I do not understand it, I said
-What’s so strange about it? Asked Lord Tesuan and smiled his teasing smile.
-It is strange! I told him I was going to find someone to take him over, and I promised him I would find someone that would treat him good. I meant it too mind you, I wouldn’t just let anyone take him…and then he looks up at me, and I’ve never seen a single flare of life in those…figurine eyes…before but then he looks up at me and says he didn’t intend to leave me…
Lord Tesuan looked sincerely surprised for a change I noticed.
-Did he really say that?
-Not in so many words. But he actually said he would rather die than having me leave him in the city. I guess he meant it, he wouldn’t risk talking back to me otherwise…
-I’m sure he did…So you find it strange that he wants to remain in your service?
-I sure do.
-Why?
-Well…I felt myself blush…I haven’t exactly been treating him very nicely. I have been slapping him around a little, when being in a bad mood…he hasn’t really deserved it.
-He’s a slave, he expects, as much, I’m sure there are many persons here more brutal than you are. Besides, how do you treat the slaves in your land? Like princes?
-No no, but we don’t have that kind of…well, fragile types…
-Well, as he is still alive after your rough treatment he may not be as fragile as he looks.
-I guess not…
-So, what’s it really about?
He read you like an open book this man, but I was not going to tell him, I couldn’t talk of it, to him or anyone. He read me better than I could have imagined though. I was shook up by his next comment.
-I know you used him, if that’s what you mean, don’t worry about it. It shook him up I would imagine, but he’s fine now…
-My God…How did you…I’ll kill that little bastard! He told you? I can’t believe he did that…
Lord Tesuan laughed at my horrid, shamed and angered expression and for the first time I was really angry with him for laughing at me. How utterly embarrassing this whole matter was. At least I’d thought no one knew.
-Calm down, my friend, please! He hasn’t said a word. That’s the truth. Do you really think he would dare talk about your private life? No, he’s quiet about your affairs, believe me, unfortunately his body can’t be trusted as much…I saw he had bled through…
-Bled through? I didn’t understand.
-You have been unnecessarily brutal in this case though, I must say, for a virgin that was not the best way to be introduced to such games. You could actually have killed him you know. Well, as I’m sure you’ve noticed he must have got quite…torn…and I saw bloodstains at his trousers…so, I figured…
I looked away
-Oh my…you are not making me feel better. I didn’t know he never…Are you sure? Well, I never meant to be that hard on him, I was drunk and…
-You don’t have to make excuses. He’s supposed to be used like that too and you have all the rights to do it any way you please. I know many that drive extra pleasure from adding such harsh elements to the act. I know a few boys like him that quite enjoy it too. Though personally I think it a waste on good slaves…
I interrupted him quite sourly
-Well, I didn’t intend to use him at all, it just happened because I was drunk and he reminded me of a woman…and I had…a bad experience in the city at night and…well, I don’t play games like that. I feel bad about hurting him that seriously and I can not believe that he enjoyed it the least…if he is…was, a virgin as you will have it, how can he like this or the other, he can’t have much notion of anything?
-True smiled Lord Tesuan.
-So I still don’t understand why he would want to stay with me?
-I’ll tell you why you got him…
-I know why, the Emir wanted to give me a "nice" present…
-Yes, but I’ll tell you why you got him and not anyone else. No one else has ever wanted him as long as he’s been here, and the court saw a chance to get rid of him and give the diplomat from the mountains a nice enough gift at the same time.
I blushed slightly again. Wasn’t that a sort of insult if any?
-Did they set me up? What’s wrong with him?
-Nothing at all, really nothing. There was no insult in that gift, nor was the intention to insult you in any way. They thought you of a different character than most people here, and you really are of a different kind, being from another culture…they simply took the chance of you coping with him better…No, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s healthy enough and has good manners, obedient and skilled in the art of servitude. He’s pretty enough too, he could compete with most of the Emir’s own harem I dare say, but don’t mention to the Emir that I said that, he’s kind of sensitive about his women….
-Then what is it about him?
-His mood, he’s so gloomy, never smiles, always serious, silent and thoughtful. You said it yourself, dead eyes! People here are so superstitious. They want boys and girls who are happy and content. Who can cheer them up and spice up their life. Who laughs pretty and sings well. His seriousness makes no one happy. He’s intelligent my friend, they notice it and feels he sees through them, they don’t like it. They see his mind work behind those cold eyes and that stern face. He certainly tries to please everybody but he can’t fake cheerfulness. People think that gloomy sullen mood could be contagious. They think he’s got the "evil eye". Once that rumour started no one wanted him near. He’s been totally ostracised and lonely here in the palace for quite many years now…That he wants to stay with you is not strange at all. You do see him differently than the others here do. Every human being needs attention. Painful attention is better than no attention at all. Believe me, he doesn’t hate you for using him, though he might have wished it would have been less painful. He probably even loves you for using him…no one else has even wanted to touch him before…
-That’s sick! I exclaimed, quite upset.
Lord Tesuan didn’t abandon his amused smile
-But true nevertheless. He wants to stay with you because you care about him. A few punches now and then are a low price to pay. The curse of the evil eye lifted from him as soon as you took him, some pain and blood is a low price for being rid of it.
-I do not care about him. I said sulkily.
-Oh I think you do.
-So, are you saying that I should take him with me?
-Why not?
-He can’t manage. There’s a long way to travel. Rough lands all the way and harsh climate. Can you se him making his way through passes and over rivers? Can you even see him on horseback? Or walking mile after mile. Can you see him in snow and blizzards…? And the risks of bandits on every part of the trail…Can you imagine what they would do to him if they got hold of him?
-What does it matter if he can’t manage it, I thought you didn’t care about him?
-Well…I don’t want him to die…
-He would be better of…He can’t change his nature. You will have no problem selling him in the city. Good families would pay a large sum for him and treat him good. Those good looks of his would attract buyers, no doubt. But after a short while they’ll discover that that sulky mood of his isn’t just some temporary thing brought on by being sold. For my people he’s just not natural and where ever he goes he’ll be ostracised. I’m sure he himself think it’s better being dead. I guess if you too cast him aside, he will probably kill himself, he has that in him…Why don’t you keep him? I know there’s something about him that irritates you, but it’s not his gloomy thoughtfulness or his intelligence, right? Rather the opposite, that he tries to hide it. You know instinctively that the dead look in his eyes isn’t connected with his sombre mood. It’s because he’s forced to be ashamed of it.
-How come you’re the only one here to see it then?
-I don’t think I am, but I’m old and wise enough not to care. His evil eye curse, doesn’t scare me, I’m too old to play with boys. Some see it, but doesn’t want to bother. There has been a hidden interest in him; people just don’t want to go against the public opinion.
-All right then…I’ll tell him what he’ll face if he comes with me. And then he can chose for himself.
-Yes, you can do that…and then you should punish him!
-For what?
-For talking back to you, if you told him your plans, he shouldn’t disagree.
I shook my head.
-I don’t understand you, you did all this talking on his behalf and then you think I ought to punish him?
-Oh, it’s all about principles. Do take care of him, he deserves it, let him serve you the way he knows how, that’s what you deserve. You even might let yourself love him, and by all means, let him love you…But in between, treat him like you would treat any slave, that’s a matter of principles! And principles are an important thing for a real man. He’s not a real man so he may falter in this field, you shouldn’t. Don’t let him cross any lines and get away with it just because you are weak for him. And do by all means feel guilty if you treat him unfairly, that’s a sound reaction, but don’t let him see you do. How you treat him is none of his business. You can be good to him without letting him think you weak.
-All right, I understand…but I’m not weak for him!
Wildchild has breathed life into this character too.
My work seem to inspire here, I'm not sure why ^_^
but I am sure glad they do. It's such a thrill!!
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