This is basically just a small story about what I feel. I know it's pretty boring, but it's a more in depth look at what goes on inside my mind. 10/4/02

Just Kidding

"Just kidding." Your most common used phrase. "Your so gullible!" Second most common used phrase.

You don't seem to understand that I would believe anything that flows from your sweet lips, no matter how absurd it sounds. Especially now that your in a different school then me, and you live so far away... I can't look into your face anymore to see if you really are joking. I can't tell what your feeling by your voice, I can only do that by looking into your soulful eyes.

When were speaking through the phone, it's not the same. It's not the same as waking up everyday and knowing that I get to see you when I go to school. You were the one that lifted my depression, even if it was just for a moment when I was with you. But that one little moment of peace was what truly made me smile. And now.... it feels like I'm trapped inside a padded room. Every sound is muffled, my thoughts consume my mind. I have no where to go, and I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up.

Before I met you I felt so lonely and rejected. I still remember the day we met when we shared a secret smile. Did you know that was my first real smile since I was seven? I bet you didn't. I'm pretty good at faking it. No one was the wiser.... except for you. You almost always knew the difference between my silences. I was never left to long to dwell in my depressive silence. My thoughtful silence was never disturbed. Except for the times when you decided to act like a goof, but that just made me smile.

No one understands me like you do. When I first met you I had just finished licking my wounds from the harsh abandonment from another, and I was absolutely terrified that you would open them again. Over the three years that I grew to know you, my wounds slowly mended. But then they would always start to bleed again when you went into another one of your "your the best friend I could have." Speech.

Sure I was glad that I was so close to you, but I wanted to be closer. I stepped over the line of friendship once, only to have you shove me and rip my heart out in the process. I think my smiles for you after that were a little forced. But over time I grew the barriers I needed to protect me from more damage. But then I got wind of you liking me once more. And my barriers dropped! I was so angry that you could do it so easily! And yet... I was so ecstatic that you felt the same way as me. I never did lose my feelings for you when you first shoved me away, no matter how painful it was. I did cry that night too.... in my own way.

That night at the dance, I don't know what it meant to you. But to me it was a celebration of our new found love. By then you had finally got the courage to ask me out. Of course I was hesitant, but I decided that I had been hurt so many times before, how worse could it get? And that night... being held in you arms was the most fantastic thing I could ever hope to feel. I felt so safe, so loved. When you tightened your hold around my waist, I responded in kind. I'm sure you felt the skip in my heart beat as I heard... no felt you laugh in my ear when I made another one of my corny jokes. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember the feel of your breath against my cheek, and I remember the feel of your gentle hands on my waist.

But now were in the present. I do daydream a lot about the past, did you know that? Anyway... being this great a distance form you, not getting to see you.. it brakes my heart! Like a large ice shard that stabs my heart, if only I could put to rest the scream that is bubbling up inside me.

When I hear your soothing voice over the phone it's not the same. It's not the same as being able to look you straight in the eye, and express my love for you with just my eyes. Every day, I listen to your voice on the phone. Every day I cry. In salt and in scarlet.

My mind is closing in around me, someday I'm going to explode. It may be in the middle of math class, and it may be in the privacy of my bedroom with the music blaring. But whenever I do explode, I'll be thinking of you. Only you...

Even when the last breath escapes my body, your name will be on my lips.