1. Here honey, you use the remote.

2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3. Ooh, George Clooney AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

5. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

9. We never talk anymore.

10.Honey, you want some help cleaning up?

Ten Reasons Why Americans are Crazy:

1. A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance.

2. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks.

3. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters.

6. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.

8. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight.

9. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".

10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Would Prefer Guns to Women:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

In a moment, I'll put up the Fifty Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes as high as possible.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive".

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M & M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows fro Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battfield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say thing like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

BONUS: Attempt all of the above during the same visit!

I can't write. The magic that usually happens when I pick up the pen seems to have gone on vacation. I've written nothing for five consecutive days. That NEVER happens. 0_o

Yeah, talk to me when you haven't written something in six months. And even that's not bad compared to the multiple years some writers stop writing.

Only things I can suggest are writing exercises or freewriting. Speaking of which, I should take my own advice. All I've done today in the world of writing is to edit the two paragraphs I've already written in the story I'm "working" on.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just extremeley weird for me to stop writing for so long with so much free time. Especially since I usually write for hours on end.

I'm sorry if I'm complaining. I'm just very upset at myself.

All I've done today in the world of writing is to edit the two paragraphs I've already written in the story I'm "working" on.

Sheesh. :p But you don't really write much anyway. At least as far as I know. Which is fine, considering you wanted to be a writer on the side of journalism/magazine editing right?

I don't because one of three things happens:

1). I'm busy.

2). I get distracted (especially, recently, by Guitar Hero. Or books).

3). I can't work up the courage to write (stupid overeager internal editor).

Which is fine, considering you wanted to be a writer on the side of journalism/magazine editing right?

I really don't know. I wan't to do /something/ in the world of the written word, but I don't know whether I want to be a novelist, a short story writer, a journalist, an editor, etc.

I know I don't want to be an English teacher. I would get too frustrated if I had to teach a class.

I've considered that. It sounds fun to me and my father actually told me he thought I'd be good at it. Though I think I screwed up my chances with my grades and all.

I'm starting the online classes on Tuesday. I'm going to try my absolute best and see what living up to my full potential can do.

Good luck with your classes. I just finished my first day of Driver's Education.

Thanks.

I just finished my first day of Driver's Education.

How was it?

Pretty good. So was today. The class has been a mix of things we already knew and things we didn't. I didn't realize until now how boring it can get when you have the same teacher for six hours (outside of elementary school).

How are your classes going so far?

Yeah. As far as my learning environment is concerned, I prefer moving to different classroom settings throughout the day. Somehow, it helps me to concentrate more.

How are your classes going so far?

Pretty well. I'm actually pretty excited about them because I can finally be productive instead of sitting around doing next-to-nothing all day. For a long while I've had no choice but to do that since my parents work all the time.

I really like the system they use. Basically, your assignments are posted up and there isn't a need for futher clarity because, well, IT'S WRITTEN! There is no homework on the weekends and every assignment they give you is due at midnight of that day. So, the hours are felxible and there's no excuses such as "I forgot" or "I didn't have enough time to do the work."

However, I must be careful and not get behind. I'm not the most discplined person in the world and I have a tendency to procrastinate.

That's always how I imagined summer school would be like. Except without the assignments posted on the computer.

However, I must be careful and not get behind. I'm not the most discplined person in the world and I have a tendency to procrastinate.

I've noticed that when I have a project that I plan to work on all day the day before it's due, I always find ways to procrastinate ("I've got the whole day! I can take a little break."). That kind of mentality has gotten me to the point where I actually had to turn the project in a day late (fortunately for me, I was sick the day it was due and got to finish up with a headache and a raw nose. You might not be so "lucky").

My mom's complaining about a project we're doing in driver's ed. We're given a $15000 spending limit, and we have to buy a car, pay the Ad Valorem (latin!) tax, buy insurance, pay for maintenance, and pay for a trip 700 miles away to get the car and to come back. "It's not an economics class," she said.

That one of the reasons I failed so much this year. I do that wayyy too often.

How do you manage to get straight As?

My mom's complaining about a project we're doing in driver's ed. We're given a $15000 spending limit, and we have to buy a car, pay the Ad Valorem (latin!) tax, buy insurance, pay for maintenance, and pay for a trip 700 miles away to get the car and to come back. "It's not an economics class," she said.

It is kind of silly, but I understand the purpose and value of it. Is it like monopoly money? Or is it real?

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