Of course the idea is a bit too far-fetched to open up and blatantly say "The kids have formed countries and are in a war." Instead, the first book shows how a simple clique turns into a world (erm, playground) power in a slow, deliberate, and _believable_ way.

Anyway, real warfare (which is where the action is), including naval superiority, garrisons, troop movements, and the whatnot, won't just magically appear. The kids have to independently derive the concept. It starts with "who controls this court? We'll play you for it", and it slowly grows from there.

As a result, my action sequences have little precedent that I know of.

Well, here is a short passage from one of the first action sequences - a Nationball (huge game of dodgeball, basically) game. Two teams on opposing sides of a court. Dodgeball rules apply, but when you are hit out, you go into the Outside of the other team's court, where you can hit them from behind.

I'm hesitant to say that I used the crutch of adding rain to the scene to make it more dramatic, even though it doesn't start pouring until later.

--

"Start!"

Immediately James dropped to the ground and threw the ball at top speed towards Patrick. Then he ran as fast as he could towards the center line. He felt his pulse quicken. This was his game.

Patrick had received the ball. The enemy's attention focused on him before he threw the sphere back at James, who had ran right to their border. Caught in unawares, the Tricari team scrambled backwards.

James caught the ball squarely in his hands. The rough grip dug into his palm. Then in a blink of an eye, he chucked the ball as hard as he could towards Ramsey, the strongest enemy player. As the ball left his hands, he almost fell forward in the follow-through. James almost recovered his balance, and instead fell forwards back onto his own territory.

James watched almost in slow motion as Ramsey clumsily dodged the shot. It barely skimmed his shirt before Ramsey, arms flailing, fell backwards and hit the ground with a thump. The ball instead hit an unlucky kid who stood behind Ramsey. The force of the impact almost launched the boy off of his feet before he stood back up and walked to the Outside. Ramsey then quickly got up and grabbed the loose ball. He tossed it back at James, who still lay on the ground.

With as much force as he could, James pushed his hands against the asphalt and jumped up. He seemed to remain suspended in the air as Ramsey's shot flew under his feet. James landed on the ground with a thump and saw Patrick scrambling to get a hold of the ball that he had dodged. He looked around to find the other ball. Where had it gone? His eyes scanned the other team.

Then suddenly he felt the sound of a projectile whistling through the air. He turned around in time to see a red, rubber ball flying straight towards his stomach.

James's instincts kicked into gear again. He twirled around on the spot like a door, using his foot as a pivot. He just barely swung around in time to get out of the ball's way. With his nimble reflexes he caught hold of the incoming ball and held onto it. The sphere nearly pulled James forward, but James gained control.

He looked around and saw that the ball had came from one of the people from Tricari who he had gotten out. They were hitting him from the Outside.

Great, he thought. I have to look out in every direction now.

---

And here's another one, after Yasir, one of the greater atheletes of the playground, joins the game on the antagonist's side (even though he isn't an antagonist himself, technically)

---

Before James could even react, he saw a ball materialize out of nowhere in Yasir's hands. He ducked, knowing that it was too late for him. But the ball did not hit him. Instead Yasir threw the ball to James's side. It hit the feet of one of his teammates. The ball then bounced off of the shoes and into the stomach of another Jurist. Finally, someone else tried to catch it before it hit the ground, but it slipped out of his fingers. James hadn't even had time to move when he realized that Yasir had shot three people out of the game with a single ball.

7-7.

To make matters worse, the loose ball rolled into the Outside. It was picked up by none other than Ramsey himself. With a smirk on his face, Ramsey threw the ball straight at James. James fell backwards to dodge it, but at the same time saw Yasir throwing a ball towards him.

James panicked and swerved out of the way. Both balls sliced him: one an inch above him and one an inch below him. He was sandwiched between two bullets. When the balls finally flew their course, James fell down ** the ground, and the rough ground tore his shirt. Water poured over his skin.

Yasir caught the ball that Ramsey had thrown before it hit the ground and threw it back at James. James scrambled up in the slippery rain, and the ball passed between his legs.

He jumped up and ran as far as he could from Yasir. As he sprinted he looked over his shoulder and saw Yasir knock two more people out with just one hit.

5-7, Tricari.

James saw a ball on the ground and ran to catch it. But just then one of Yasir's throws hit the ball on the ground and knocked it out of James's reach. James had already reached to pick it up, but when he could not, he lost his balance and fell over once again.

As James lay on the ground, he rolled out of the way of incoming shots. Finally he caught a ball aimed for him and pushed himself up. He yelled a battle cry and threw the ball with all his power (that was saying a lot) towards Yasir.

Yasir merely stepped aside. It didn't even come close.

Then immediately James was barraged once more by three balls all aimed towards him. Where were his teammates? Were they all gone?

His side of the court was almost empty. James looked around to see that someone had just gotten out while he wasn't looking. Then Yasir killed someone else right before James's eyes.

3-7.

James came to the startling realization that the only people left for Jurist were Patrick, Kieu, and himself.

Then all of a sudden Yasir appeared out of nowhere before James, with a ball in his hand. James gulped. This was it. This was the end.

Yasir through the ball, and James could have sworn he heard a sonic boom. The ball rippled through the air, and at that same time James tripped over a rock. He regained his balance, but that slight shift in his position as enough to save him from the path of the ball. Almost by instinct he traced the path of the ball in his eyes. It was headed straight for Kieu.

"Kieu!" he cried out. But it was too late. The ball hit her sharply in the head. A loud crack rang across the playground. A bright crimson spray erupted from her nose and fell to the ground, mixing with the water. James watched as her body dropped in slow motion. As she hit the ground, her figure contorted and nearly bounced.

James stood in horror. She was hurt. Because of a ball that was meant for him.

"No!" Patrick cried out. He rushed over to Kieu. Yasir shot at him as he ran, but Patrick was beyond caring. He avoided the ball with ease and ducked down to check on Kieu.

She was just barely conscious and had a bloody nose. The blood mixed with the puddles forming on the ground. Patrick called over to some of her friends and asked them to bring her to the health office.

"That's it!" Patrick picked up the ball that was still stained with blood and chucked it towards Yasir. The ball carried all of his anger and rage.

Yasir caught the ball.

1-7.

Now that Patrick had his throw caught, James stood alone against Yasir and six of the most elite fighters on the playground.

He turned around and caught a ball thrown by a Tricariian on the Outside, and picked up another from the ground. In pure rage, he threw one as hard as he could towards Patrick on the Outside. Patrick shared in James's anger and snatched the ball out of the air. They both simultaneously threw the ball at two Tricariians who stood next to each other.

Then James dodged Yasir's lighting shot and caught a ball being thrown by another Tricariian. He looked back and saw a bunch of Kieu's girlfriends were helping her up towards the health office.

Patrick on the other hand had grabbed a ball that had rolled into the Outside. He crept behind and unsuspecting Tricariian, hiding the ball behind his back. Then finally, when the Tricariian looked away, Patrick practically smashed the ball onto the Tricariian's back. He collapsed in a messy heap. Best of all, the rubber bounced right back. Patrick used it to peg another fleeing Tricariian.

1-2.

James grabbed a held of a ball and spun around. He threw it like a slingshot at one of the Tricariians. She dodged the ball and taunted James...before being hit in the back by Patrick.

1-1.

Both James and Yasir stared each other in the eye once again. James was exhausted from a full game, but Yasir had barely just entered.

Yet, James saw a very long face-off ahead of him.

---

Any suggestions? Maybe someone can suggest a better way to write these playground scenes. I don't really have any major influences to go off of.

Thanks for reading.

(LMAO!)

I'm not sure whether this is self promotion at its finest or worst. Then again, I can't judge. Its not like I haven't advertised my work all over this site. Plus, I have to give you points for creativity, if nothing else. Nice use/misuse of a popular forum.

I haven't laughed like this in days. I really needed this. Thanks for creating this thread.

I'm not really sure what you're trying to insinuate here. I'm just trying to venture into an action-type genre in which I could find no precedent for. Writing actions scenes would be hard, because they are, as far as I now, unconventional.

Did I go overboard on the action scene quotes?

Then he ran as fast as he could towards the center line. He felt his pulse quicken.

I would write this as:

His pulse quickened as he sprinted towards the center line.

James caught the ball squarely in his hands. The rough grip dug into his palm. Then in a blink of an eye, he chucked the ball as hard as he could towards Ramsey, the strongest enemy player. As the ball left his hands, he almost fell forward in the follow-through. James almost recovered his balance, and instead fell forwards back onto his own territory.

I'd change this to:

Catching the ball, James felt its rough grip dig into his palms. As he chucked the ball with full force at Ramsey, the strongest enemy player, James lost his balance, nearly recovered, then fell forward in his own territory.

James watched almost in slow motion as Ramsey clumsily dodged the shot. It barely skimmed his shirt before Ramsey, arms flailing, fell backwards and hit the ground with a thump. The ball instead hit an unlucky kid who stood behind Ramsey. The force of the impact almost launched the boy off of his feet before he stood back up and walked to the Outside. Ramsey then quickly got up and grabbed the loose ball. He tossed it back at James, who still lay on the ground.

Try:

Almost in slow motion, James watched the ball barely skim Ramsey's shirt as the opponent clumsily dodged the shot, then fell backwards with arms flailing. As Ramsey crashed to the ground, the ball whizzed by and slammed into another, nearly knocking the kid behind him off his feet. As the kid walked to the Outside, Ramsey stood, grabbed the ball, and hurled it at James. (sidenote: no need to tell that James is still on the ground, since he fell the paragraph before)

--

Unfortunately, I don't have the time right now to go over the rest of these paragraphs. I'm in the middle of writing my own story. I'll see about coming back to this when I can.

Now all I've done here is tightened up your sentences. That's it. Action is about excitement, so have as much happen in as few words as possible, without sacrificing any important description. Don't describe anything that isn't important, unless its to help give a better picture of the area or characters. Avoid repetition when possible, and use words with the most impact.

In short, just make every word count. Go over your action scenes like I did and see what you can do on your own. If you still have problems, point to a specific paragraph and I'll see what I can do.

I hope that I helped.

- Dice of Underground Constellation

I appreciate your suggestions and I'll be sure to incorporate them.

But does anyone have any suggestions not only on my story, but in the sub-genre in total? Such as techniques that are unique to kids fighting...or something. I just want to exploit this uniqueness as much as I can.

Mostly, I noticed that the average child is horrible at fighting. They don't take punches well and they attack wildly without strategy. Only ones who are used to physical contact seem to be capable of defending themselves.

I've been told I'm like a commercial for my stories even when I'm not advertising. And, that is true, most little kids don't know how to fight... thier strategy is usually copying what they see on tv... like Power rangers lOL_ ^_^;

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