My father is my teacher (home-schooled here). That spells disaster right there. He wants me to get up, every other day (except for the weekends, of course) at the ungodly hour of nine AM. OK, considering I usually go to sleep around three or four AM, I'm extremely moody when I wake up. I'm not a morning person, just because he is doesn't mean I should be. So then here I am in a bad mood, and I start screaming at anything that comes across my path (except for my animals—animal abuse is simply wrong): a justifiable reaction given my situation. And what do I get?

"-name-, just have your coffee and calm down, ok?"

"-name-, stop yelling at your brother!"

"-name-, why don't you just go to bed earlier?"

Oh, so I should go to bed at seven o'clock like my father? My internal clock has been messed up for the past five years, and no one gives a damn.

Now let's go on to the eating situation. I'm a vegetarian. My family are brutal animal-eaters. No matter how much I tell them they're just eating the decomposing flesh of a decaying animal, they won't change their views. And so here I'm trying to convert my little brother, and they get mad at me! Something about him being too picky as it is to give up meat also. Well maybe he—and they too—should just learn to eat vegetables like any worthy person instead of acting like prehistoric barbarians.

The worst thing is probably talking to them about things that interest me. How am I supposed to open up with them when all I get is weird looks or worried talks? All I get is "don't eat paper" or "cannibalism is not a healthy interest" or "chainsaws are not funny" or "Dawn of the Dead is not a family film" etc. So where did all this open mindedness go? Oh, right, I forgot, it never existed in the first place. And forget me even trying to talk to them about my stories. Just today, I told my mother a lovely story of a woman killed with a fork to the neck, and she freaked out and asked me why I wrote these things—as though I even needed to justify that.

They simply won't stop the teasing. It took them days to get used to Antares, my pencil who goes with me everywhere. They kept teasing me about talking to him and even tried stealing him! Of course, I slapped them away as hard as I could. They've finally learned NOT TO TOUCH MY PENCIL. Goddammit, how hard is it to understand? And then they go LOL @ wearing oddly-matched socks, LOL @ pacing back and forth for an hour in the dark, LOL @ spending the entire day categorizing 300 emails that I end up deleting anyway.

OK, I'm getting really riled up. I'm just going to stop it here, otherwise I could go on all night long.

i feel like good cop bad cop here... is that a good thing? or bad?

@ The Intelligent Decorator - It wasn't "stories" about "women" who get killed by "forks." It was one story about /one/ woman who got killed by ONE fork. And I don't see how it's strange: A fork is a perfectly dangerous object. I'm sure it can kill a person, easily, if applied with enough force. It would be weird if I made it a spoon or something. I once had a dream that I was at a KFC and Lucius Malfoy (Harry Potter) jumped out at me and tried to kill me with one of those disposable plastic spoons. It was a terrifying dream, but it was weird and illogical too. I mean, imagine trying to kill someone with a plastic spoon! It would break before it even pierced the skin. One would think a Death Eater would have more sense than that. Unless he was planning on killing me with the jagged edges of the spoon /after/ it broke. Hmm. Still, it's not very stylish and so many people already think the Malfoys are cool and all that. So much for their reputation, haha.

@ ignosticiny - I'm gonna buy a tape recorder and stick it under the table. I'll keep you updated. Just give me your street address so I can send the tapes. Oh and your phone number would be good too. Actually, the more info, the better. We're in this together now, right? Right.

I oppose the use of any sort of "drugs." Especially to try to "cure" people. My parents constantly want to drug me with that "coffee" substance, apparently to "cheer" me up in the "morning." And sometimes they want to "give" me things that taste "sweet" so I'll stop "complaining" about a "perfectly 'functional' family." Needless to "say," it is very "annoying." But then when I "complain" (speak out against, "stand up" for what I believe) this, I'm called "emo" or a "rebellious" teen or some such similar "stereotype." My family life is seriously "crappy" and annoying "."

I can't wait until I'm thirty-five, and i can finally kick them out. Imma post this on my myspace. the forty-year-old men there /do/ understand me! that's just cause i'm so mature orfay ymay ageyay, ontday ouyay inkthay?

i agree that if you are just seeking attention, that is a majorly annoying thing to do... but if you are really just a morbid person or you are really interested in this sort of thing, that is not the way a family should act, although no family would act the way they should.

i am very sorry i will not hand out my street address to a... girl? who obsesses over plastic spoons (i do that too) and who calls me ignosticiny... my name is IGNOMINY... wait... did you do that on purpose? HAHAHAHA!!!! The Intelligent Decorator!!!! HAHAAH! you have increased my mood tenfold... hahaha... hah... hahaha... he will never hear the end of this...

I love KFC... i dream of them often... and Harry Potter... although i've never liked malfoy... nope never... i dont know, i just hate him...

But i'm totally with you on the family thing... FAMILY SUCKS... no really, i like my family... some of them...sometimes...one of them... every once in a while... no... never... although i heard them talking about how the teachers love me last night and it made me feel rather good about myself... but then they kept mentioning how they were so shocked... and they thought how maybe i was LYING to the teachers... haha... like i would EVER do that... heehee... never...

very mature for your age... although i have no idea how old you are... definitly in your teens, no duh... maybe in the 12-14 range? am i off? i wont be insulted if you dont tell me... dont be insulted if i'm wrong... i think i might be wrong... the killing people with forks thing seems a bit like 12 and then the coffee thing seems more like 14... yea... i''m sick of this...

i'm a female actually, not a plant... thanks for that though.. hahaha... haha.. ha... Intelligent Decorator...hahaha... he made a few grammar mistakes now that i notice... i bet i did too though... hahaha... i'm not editing any of this... Intelligent Decorator...

sorry... i'm done

What is this? Get our names right, Armpitspray. Second, this is bizarre. Sounds to me like your some crazy child molester trying to pick my friend up. I don't see how this has anything to do with what you or anyone else wrote.

I'm a guy, btw. Why did HP enter this conversation? Also, I think that you were high on something when you wrote the last bit. No wonder your family doesn't get you...

I'm actually a very happy person and think happiness comes from within and does not (or should not) depend on other people. Although my family does see me as the oddball and playfully teases me for that, I don't mind. Much. I suppose some of my interest are strange to most people, some are strange to a few people, and some are perfectly normal to most people. And what other people say of them doesn't really interest me. So maybe they immediately think I'm nuts for thinking paper tastes good. So maybe I am, just a little bit. But happy? Yes, I'm sure of that. It all comes from being comfortable with who you are—even if that means liking weird things AND liking trendy things. People who try to be different and deny themselves things they like just because those things are "in style" aren't any better than people who try to "fit in."

The above posts were basically a bit of satire in the hopes of making someone smile. There is always talk of how difficult parents treat their kids, but what would it be like if the kids were psychos and the poor parents had to put up with all that? Granted, I do act that way sometimes, but in a more moderate manner. For example, I do not go screaming at anything: I'm just in a glum mood. If I did go screaming at anyone, I think my family would have all the right to tell me to cut it out (they'd be a little too nice to simply offer me coffee, wouldn't they?). I guess you could say I was making fun of myself and my family, as well as seeing what parents have to put up with.

I'm not trying to make fun of people who complain about their family: There /are/ dysfunctional or abusive families. But every family has their quirks, and no one is perfect. Every time my family does something to annoy me, I remember that I probably annoy them also. I'm sure some of my "quirks" cause them distress, so I allow them to tease me every so often, just as I tease them. That my father looks at me strange for having an interest in cannibalism doesn't bother me much. In truth, it's not a very common interest and his looking at me strange will only affect me if I let it. I'm not going to ruin my mood for what someone else thinks. Of course, there are some points where it becomes very hard to ignore other people, but why lower the threshold? As long as they don't try to change me by force*, I'm good.

* I think you should be open to change, no? Good arguments could convince a person to change, and there is nothing wrong with evolution. Unless you're a Fundamentalist.

Ah, well, I probably offended everyone by now. Including the Fundamentalist. But it doesn't take much to offend them anyway so bah.

I apologize. I was only trying to get a few laughs. In my defense, I take no offense to being called Armpitspray or being thought of as a twelve-year-old child molester XD

I'd better be gone before I'm reported as a troll. Yeeeeeek! (That's the sound one makes when running really, really fast on slippery ice.) However, if you do report me and get a response, would you be kind enough to send me the email? I've been trying to contact support but to no avail. My alerts aren't working. Again. Cursed FP's non-existent help. Now when the alerts come back on line (if they ever do), my inbox will be flooded with hundreds of emails. Again.

And yes, Harry Potter rocks. Andyay osay oesday Igplay Atinlay. And I'm still going to post that story about the woman and the fork dangit (actually, it was nineteen haikus written as one story), even if it horrified my mother. Oh, well, some of us have morbid tendencies.

*ignominy

P.S. The Intelligent Decorator is an **

Armpitspray out, as Magneto would say, "This is one lovers' quarrel we cannot get involved in, my dear."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Apart from the fact its family decided to have a fight and make believe the holiday never existed, it was fine for it. At the very least, it got to eat pumpkin pie and wasn't forced to eat turkey. Yay. Thanks for asking.

btw, names are for ignominy's sake...Lucas is this hot guy I like, and Anja is this mean ** that I love. (Platonically)

@ tesa - "A human can be healthy without killing animals for food. Therefore if he eats meat he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite." - Leo Tolstoy. You shouldn't be forced to do something which you think is wrong. You can be healthy without eating meat, and you should try to convince your parents of that. Just don't come across as a self-righteous extremist and give the rest of us a bad name :-p

Next holiday: Christmas. Does anyone else dislike the holidays simply because family tends to have fights and ruin those special days? Or is that only my family? Not that I'm complaining. We all have our moods. Just that I try not to be so… self-centered.

my dads all for my sports. he wants me to go to college in sports and everything when thats really not what i want to do with my life. hes all like, "go for your dreams," and "you can do anything when you really try" but when i try to bring up doing anything but sports in my future he totally blows up. says "you've got a good thing going for you that some people would die for and if your going to abuse you privilages...ect..ect..."

my older brother's kinda cool though, cause he totally agrees with me about our parents and everything but hes a total alcoholic. thankfully he doesn't get mean when he gets drunk but i still wish he didn't. he gets all stupid when hes like that and its hard to see coming from someone i look up to. i know i sound all mushy now so i'm gonna quit with him

my older sisters surprisingly really nice. shes a real brain and she's really shy and anti social. but i think shes got this whole secret life at school, you know? shes got some guy problems too, cause shes real pretty but she can't stand up for herself. my dad gets real upset at her sometimes yelling how shes gonna get knocked up and wont know what to do with herself.

a real messed up family. they don't even know i like to write, exept for maybe my sister, who read one of my poems once. to them i'm just what i am at school. a jock. violent and stupid.

You named your pencil.

This has to be a fake post. My faith in humanity depends upon it.

if i went ahead and told everyone that i LOVE butterflies, it would cause utter chaos, because someppl would be like "oOo, i luv them too! we're like, on the same level yo!" and then some other ppl would be like "yo, i thought you were afriad of butterflies... wtf?!?!" and then id be "like, yah, them things are sooooo scary" and that other freak who thought we were on the same level would be like "awww man, thats mean" and shed probably think i had some sort of personality disorder

i dont

i dont have a personality disorder

really

but if i did... which i dont... id prolly have conversations like this with myself allll the time.

This thread still lives?[0] Since that little box labeled "subscribe" checks automatically, my old email account gets bombarded[1] with forum thread notifications from here and FanFiction dot net. Maybe I should uncheck it.[2]

Humanity's inability to perceive satire, sarcasm, and exaggeration has left me sighing.[3] As though my increased absurdity with each post were not enough to answer the idiotically simple question[4] of "is this a joke?" my actual response of "yes, this is a joke" has gone unnoticed[5]. It is /my/ faith in humanity that has been brought back to life—just to be murdered again[6] (this has happened quite a few times ever since I got on to the internets[7]).

Since we're all going about disorders... I may or may not have OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder[8]. Honestly, I hope I do.[9] Now I finally have an excuse for my eccentric behavior![10]

END WARNING (?)

[0] Of course, a thread is not "alive" therefore it cannot "live." I simple mean "this thread is still being posted in"?

[1] Not literally: this is merely a figure of speech.

[2] By which I am poking fun at myself for the fact that I have an annoyance that I can easily solve, but I haven't done so because of laziness or some equally idiotic reason. I /will/, of course, uncheck the box—not just "maybe."

[3] Actually, I'm rolling my eyes and looking for that study about what area of the brain affects people's ability to "get" sarcasm.

[4] I'm being snarky and exaggerated.

[5] By /some/, not all.

[6] Again, this is only a figure of speech. Faith, of course, is an abstract concept and is not "alive" and cannot be "murdered" or "brought back to life."

[7] See number 6. Also note that "internets" (with the S) is simply making fun of a certain someone who once used that term.

[8] I heard it was bad to self-diagnose though. Do NOT try this at home, kids.

[9] I'm being sarcastic.

[10] I'm being facetious. Someone once said rich people are eccentric, poor people are crazy. Guess which I am?

I do hope my footnotes have helped those of less fortunate perception to understand my post(s).

Oh, and, yes, I did name my pencil. He's here with me right now. For almost a year, he's never left my side!! [11]

[11] By which I don't literally mean my side. He's usually in my hand or in a pocket. I'm not sure /how/ to carry a pencil on my side. Maybe if I walked bent over, balancing him on my side? I think that would quickly grow tiresome. Hmm. If anyone has an idea of how to accomplish this, please tell me asap. I shall reward you with your very own pencil by the name of Klooliz.

EDIT: Changed a "which" to a "that."

If sarcasm could swing from the ceiling like a scythe, we would all be dead now.

http://i18.tinypic.com/4u0f0n5.jpg

And, yes, my pencil is named Antares.... Ah, my beautiful pencil. I'd post a picture of him but my camera has been acting up. Unfortunately, I had to carry him in a pack these last few days since I needed to fully use both of my hands, holding on tight to the bars in the rides at Disneyland, etc »cough«

Hello, Decorator! Nice to see you again.[1]

[1] That was sarcasm.[2]

[2] So was that.[3]

[3] Yes, and that too.[4]

[4] And also that.

Am I overdoing it already?

- Lady Saphira -

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