ohhhhh, like that! You totally got me to, I thought you were in a freiken dungeon!!! Never expected to be in a roller coaster. Right now I'm just trying to workd the story out on eternal dream.

Haha, yeah I wrote that at work. I'm in between projects so writing things like that pass the time. I checked out your eternal dreams story, definitely a cool idea, I'm gonna keep reading it for sure, but heads up on some word misuse and such. Do you have someone checking it over for you before you post it? No worries, it isn't bad, it's only a couple here and there, but why not fix 'em if you can, eh? :)

~A

It's kind of weird, she told me corrections that were present. But didn't specify where/what they were or how to correct them...I thought I got them all! Got to think of the other sages's powers!

Haha. Errors in writing are like pokemon. They tell you that you gotta catch 'em all, but there are always ones you miss. (sorry, I've been babysitting young boys for WAY too long - I know the entire theme song and most of the pokemon. ::rolls eyes::)

Would you like me to point some out when I review? (I haven't finished the first chapter yet) I won't do it unless you want though. I consider it rude to be all correcting in reviews unless that's what the writer wants.

~A

Look at the first review I got...will it be like that? If it is then go for it!!! A review is meant to tell me the errors, likes and good things of my story. I never get sad over reviews since someone actuall took the tmie to read it, y'know!? I was like five or something when pokemon came out and...well...WHY HAS'NT ASH AGED AT ALL!! I GOT OLDER THEN HIM, HE SHOULD BE LIKE TWENTY-SOMETHING!!!!

Yeah, I can do it like that first review no problem. I won't be telling you punctuation stuff (I'm terrible at that kind of thing too although I'm trying to improve) but I can point out the things that spellcheck and grammarcheck on Word will miss.

Haha, oh the joys of being a cartoon character - everyone grows up except them. I was 11 or so when it came out - too old to start getting into it, but my brother was OBSESSED. I learned how to play the game just so he had someone to play with, haha. And now he's all grown up and on to his next consumer obsession. Makes a gal feel old it does.

It doesn't have to be, but thank you!! You added me to favorite authors...sweet. Somebody actually likes my stories that much, light does to. I'm still a teenager, so I'm always into stuff like that, lol! To be honest, I didn't think you'd be into fantasy stuff like that.

OH please. I practically live in the fantasy section at the local used bookstore. I just can't WRITE fantasy. I'm working on a review right now - the format works although the fact that I can't do bold or italics is a bit irritating. I'm working with it though. Since you can't comment more than once on a single chapter the review might be a bit on the long side since I quote the entire sentence so you know where to find it again. So don't be scared by the length. Hehe.

And being a teenager has nothing to do with loving that stuff, I'm always thrilled when I get a review or a fav add. Especially recently since I haven't written here in so long I don't ever expect people to actually read my stuff anymore, haha.

~A

I got inspired by games, fairy tails, and mythology, that kind of stuff. Just the idea of stuff like a giraff with a god's eyes for a heart or a titan with part of it's soul lodged within the earth while at the same time keeping everything alive is cool to me. I have to admit...I was really mad when I noticed a cartoon that did Meissa's style way better then me.

"Our stories are dreams. Our words are reality"

That's cool, I can see that stuff in your writing style. Especially the Manga thing - they're always so animated in all their actions and have all these great one liners that you've included in the piece. Like it. I need to start reading Manga and watching Anime again, I miss it.

I corrected everything...totally god like! Thanks for the review, but I wasn't sure how to correct it on the last part of the review. You've been really nice, want a part in my story? I can even help you write a fantasy story(have you seen how crowded the fantasy section is!?) I think I'm pretty cool with those. While you just graduated, I'm working on entering one! That quote from last time is one that I'm using in my college essay.

correct what on the last part of the review?

I'm happy to help and I'm glad you appreciate it. I just graduated with my writing degree and I'm going to Grad school for publishing so as weird as it sounds, doing this kind of editing is something I really love to do and don't really get many chances to do.

What do you mean do I want a part in your story? I am intrigued, tell me more, hehe.

Good luck entering the college realm, it's so much harder to do these days than back when I was applying! Crazy rising standards and competition.

~A

Like a character. Do you want a main character? Maybe a comical side character? What race? Do they own a guild or are they a part of one. That kind of stuff, the info on race in my profile. I'll pm you the other races if you don't want to be the races described so far.

The part where it says...never mind, I didn't understand at first. I corrected it so no worries.

Ooooo that sounds like fun! Yeah, send me a PM and we can discuss it there. Neato!

Glad you understand my correction comments, they're a bit confusing... what with the parenthesis and capitals and yada yada. ::rolls eyes::

Maybe you can help me think of an idea for a fantasy story - I'm willing to give it a shot.

I have this idea for a novel ponging around in my head.

It's in the first person, with the protagonist being, ahem, me. In that way, it becomes semi-autobiographical. It alternates between my world, and another world which I slip inexplicably into when I fall asleep: but this doesn't fall any discernible pattern, it's sporadic.

In that world, I fall into a war between witches and ceremonial magicians.

Witches: They embody the natural magick of the world. They live in tribes; inhabiting forests and caves. Their power lies in the manipilation of natural energies. Their magick is slow and gradual to take effect; but once ignited, it is strong and cannot be easily overcome. Their only shortcoming is their rigid societal hierarchy- the Royals and the Commoners.

Ceremonial Magicians: Embodiments of artificial, mechanical magick. Their main magick lies in the summoning (and subsequent enslavement) of demons (fey spirits of magick. The actual word would be 'dæmon' which is Greek for a being higher than a human, but lower than a God ), who they use to do their bidding. Therefore, their magick is swift in action, but being superficial, it can be easily negated.

These two races are always at war because the Ceremonial Magicians are forever enthralled by the enduring quality of 'witch magick', and therefore, want to force their secrets out of them.

Darmuid is a commoner witch that I befriend (I'm considering romantic relationships later on, but I'm not too sure at this stage). The story revolves around how we win over the dæmons to our side, and subsequrntly oversome the Cermonial Magicians.

Another detail that I have in mind, is that I have the ability to hear a person's magick singing in his/her blood. It sounds to me like a music, with a character specific to the individual.

I only have Darmuid's Music sketched out at the moment.

How does it sound?

Sounds pretty cool! I played a game that was like that once. Tell me more about it dude!! I'm actually doing something like that in my story king's Blood.

Well, I have a few scenes sketched out in detail: like when I summon a dæmon for the first time. The idea being, that if I don't use the cconstraints the Ceremonial Magicians use; I'll be able to win their trust.

I intend to use the Lemmegeton for Ceremonial Magick ritual; that in itself should be detailed enough.

**Totally off-topic**

Sorry for the total off-topic, but:

Anaknusan ... Can I please borrow the "Errors in writing are like pokemon. They tell you that you gotta catch 'em all, but there are always ones you miss" quote? So priceless - amazing! If I could come up with stuff like that, I would ... be really proud.

Again, sorry.

**End off topic**

@Ashe

Perhaps it would be a good idea to PM Anaknusan asking them to borrow the quote and don't forget to reference where (here) they said it so they know what you're talking about. :)

You guys and your story are good, now I feel like sharing my idea too...But it's like so confusing... @, might as well give it a shot!

The story mainly focuses on witches, well, the witches in your stories focuses on their powers too, but mine is a little different. In my story, the witches and wizards are not what people think of. The history of witches started with the first generation of witches, where normal humans put up a deal with the Devil in order to change heir horrible future. They were given great powers, earning them the title 'Witch'. However, in return of such immense powers, their deaths shall always be in a horrifying/gruesome way, and their powers shall be passed on to certain humans. Their souls will neither go to Heaven or Hell, but will be consumed by the Devil. So when a Witch dies, it's really THE END. No use mourning over them cause they really disappeared. No heaven or hell...Witches were created because of human selfishness itself. It's as if their existence are useless, unreasonable...They don't have a reason to live. Even if they live, it's because they wanted their loved ones to be happy. That's all.

Pure-blood witches are created when a pure witch marries another pure witch. (NOTE: They ALL hate humas so NONE of them will ever marry a HUMAN.) A half-witch is created when a pure witch dies: their powers will leave their bodies and seek for chosen humans. Witch powers love humans who are in a tortured condition -- because witches are created based on selfishness, torture and depression. Witch powers are based on the earth elements: Fire, Water, Earth, Lightning, Wind, Moon, Star, Dark and Ice. There are several witches that can control time (they can stop time).

All half-witches are born with tragic pasts, and die tragic deaths. In a way, it's as if the power itself is punishing the witches.

Chibi Novella: Your idea sounds really fascinating! I'd love to read it one day.

I really like the concept, Chibi. The backstory for the witches seems pretty new and unique.

Do you have a plot drawn out for the actual story yet, though? When you do, share with us! :)

The only thing that I thought was a little overused was the use of elements. Of course, if you do the story in a unique way, then it won't be a problem.

Ashe

Yeah, dude, it's a cool idea! I was just wondering how star and moon are the elements of earth?

(This is me assuming I'm allowed to be here. Sorry for the inconvenience if I'm not supposed to be. =] )

So one of the ideas I've had tumbling through my head the past few weeks is called "Garden of Cradles". The main character is Lillith Harlan, who I sometimes spell with only one 'l', because I forget how many there are. Her entire life she's been shipped from foster home to foster home, acting out because she feels unwanted and unloved, despite many families who have treated her as if she really was their child. At 15, she meets Caleb Earl, a fellow foster child at the age of 16, and the two become friends. With Caleb around, her behavior gets better. They attend the same school and eventually develop romantic feelings for one another, but they don't act on them, assuming ignorance on the other's part. After Lillith's 16th birthday, she if forced to move away from Caleb to a new city. Her bad behavior picks up and she runs away several times.

Lillith finds out that she has an uncle living in Pottersville, NY, and goes to live there. Pottersville houses just under 340 people but living conditions mimic those of the "American Dream" with a touch of the 50's (white picket fence, docile women [housewives, teachers, nurses], tightly knit community, Community Watch, etc). Lillith is driven crazy by the structure and the rules and is especially irritated by the most important rule: "No one is allowed to be outside past sunset." This leads into Lillith believing she is hallucinating when she starts seeing shadowy figures in her room at night, experiencing chills (My take on chills: you get one when a ghost passes through you), thinking things are moving, etc. One night she's had enough and she leaves.

(Note: Pottersville is a ghost town in real life, stuck in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Also, if my information is correct, the mayor (or the mayor's son) at the time before the town became deserted committed suicide after murdering his family, which could have something to do with the hauntings or the supposed curse that could be placed on the area.)

Once outside, she runs into a girl who looks identical to her own self, only her clothes are entirely opposite.

To make a long story short, her soul is kicked out of her body after her "Reflection" possesses her. Her soul is sent to the Crossover (new name being considered) where souls who haven't made the transition to the Dream Realm (links to another story idea of mine, but in a nutshell: where everyone goes once they are dead) wander around. They haunt people or stick around as guardians, living in an invisible world to the majority of humans that is laid directly atop the reality humans live in. Hence, they can see us doing whatever it is we do, but can't interact (unless they're really strong or unless they're transitioning in which case they get one last moment of interaction). She's stuck and doesn't know how to escape and sees her Real-World body moving and interacting.

As irony would have it, Caleb is also shipped off to Pottersville under the same pretense as Lillith (I don't know if this should happen while Lillith is still in her real body [they can plan to run away together] or when she's already been sent to Crossover [which makes the story a little bit more interesting]). The Real-World body confesses the real Lillith's feelings and she has to somehow contact Caleb from the Crossover and convince him that the body he's with isn't the real her.

I'm a little unclear as to what the Reflection-Lillith would do in the Real-World Lillith's body. She'll probably try to exact her revenge (which means she has to have something to be vindictive about). I could plant a curse on the people of Pottersville that caused all this to happen, though I'm not too fond about that (includes too much research for Lillith to conduct and no resources to do so).

The whole story is supposed to show that an image of perfection often has lies underneath. These perfect families have horrible secrets to hide and they're so horrendous, the secrets and lies can manifest themselves in the shadows at night (hence the not going out past sunset) trying to get revenge on the people who hurt them. However, this leaves room to ask why these people have mirror images of themselves walking around if they haven't been hurt or if they've never ever been to Pottersville. I don't quite have an answer yet, but I do think I can reference it to the Parallel Universes theory.

As for how I'll be telling the story...I plan to have each chapter contain alternating sections of current action, flashbacks, and some sort of omniscient narration thrown in. I wanted to try a new writing style for this story but I also want it to have a lot of description and impact.

Sorry about the length of this (unfortunately, I tend to write like this for everything) but I'd really like some feedback on this. Characters, storyline, chain of events, names, questions, whatever. I just want to see what I can do to make this better. I've got a rough first draft of the first chapter written out that I'll post in case anyone wants to read it and comment on the actual way it turned out.

Wow! It sounds like it'll be a monster story, if you're planning to pack all that into one book.

I mean, I guess it just sounds a little long to me, whose longest work to date is about fifty thousand words (though I am trying to write a full-length novel, I just haven't found an idea I can run with for that many words).

I mean, you'll have to build up the character interaction between Caleb and Lillith, for one thing, so that the ghostlier part of the story is that much more intense. That'll certainly take some words. Then Lillith's other foster homes after she leaves Caleb; then Pottersville, and then the reflection, and then the reflection's interaction wiith Caleb and her struggle to get through to tell him what's really going on. All that sounds like it'll make for a pretty big book!

Story-wise, I'd love to read what you've written. I find that critiquing actual writing is easier for me than critiquing simple ideas. I'm on more familiar ground with story critiques.

Overall, though, your summary sounded really interesting. I was originally going "Oh no," when you introduced Lillith and Caleb and their relationship, but that went away when you explained about the rest.

If you get the first chapter up, let us know, yeah?

Ashe

Yeah, it does sound pretty long, though I don't think it'll really be that long when I get through writing it. I just don't have the ability to simplify things, heh.

The longest story I've ever written is roughly 140,000 words, though I didn't even intend for it to be that long. Whenever I go back to read it, I see so many gaps and lots of room for improvement. Length doesn't ensure quality (it would be nice if I could follow that).

What I've planned is to tell their history throughout each chapter in relevance to the chapter title. Each title will have a certain theme which will reflect what the chapter will be about, what the flashbacks will contain or reference to, and hopefully I'll be able to use each parenthesized portion to either end or open each chapter. The only problem I see me running into with this format is not being able to find a flashback that has to do with the title.

I think how this will end up working will take some time and serious planning. In the first chapter, I've already introduced Lillith and Caleb, set the scene for Lillith's pattern of running away, given some insight to her view of the world around her and her personality, and set up a transition into the next chapter which I hope to move directly into Lillith's finding out about her uncle in Pottersville. In the first chapter's flashback, I've shown the extremes Lillith is willing to go to to get out of her house, plus a little insight into Lillith's and Caleb's behavior.

I hope to include a lot of information in each chapter to avoid a really lengthy story, though as I've mentioned before, simplicity is not my forte. =(

I hope I can focus on Lillith's character and how everything, especially Caleb, has affected her. I want this to be an interesting story, but I feel like I'm crossing too many genres and including way too many storylines.

So this is where the first chapter can be found. Don't be afraid to tear it apart. =]

Ooh, I like the idea of flashbacks telling about Caleb and Lillith's relationship - or at least that's the impression I was getting. I thought you were just going to go straight through the whole thing - like for example, chapters 1-6 are Lillith and Caleb, then chapters 6-12 are Pottersville ... On and on.

Which, now that I think of it, may not have made an intensely long book (Harry Potter is more than thirty chapters, after all), but whatever.

I'll read the first chapter as soon as I can, and hopefully be able to give you some better critiques.

Ashe

I just hope my flashbacks don't become really cliche. I don't see how they would, really, but they might take a turn without me knowing. Also, pitting their previous personalities against their newer personalities is bound to raise some eyebrows, along with some questions. I don't know if it's such a good idea, now that I realized that.

At first I was going to do the story in chronological order but I figured I couldn't keep my readers (assuming I got any) interested. They'd be like I would, ranting about how unfair the situation is and how the characters wouldn't do what they did and that their lifes wouldn't change that drastically. Direct comparison seems like the better option for this story, at least I hope so.

Hope to hear from you soon. ^^

Well since I just started to post the first few chapters of my other major story, I figure I'll get some development out of the way here. The original title was "Arori Islands" because they're a real place in the story where some important stuff goes down. But I've got it posted as "Defenseless, We Will Stand" because I needed something quick that I wouldn't berate myself for putting up.

So here goes nothing, way out of order and quite messy as it's around midnight and I should've been sleeping two hours ago and all I'm running on is sleep-deprivation-high.

Zaya Pyrek is a "teen" (16 Ranges old) but her age is up for change. I think it would be less creepy for future romances if she was older. Anyways, she and her little buddy, Tamika, are returning from a business trip to Qellar where they run into old older buddy, Tazz. Zaya has black hair and icy blue eyes (uncommon traits to Northern Ecural, their home), Tamika is a little blondie with an unknown origin and either blue or grey eyes (I don't remember right now, haha), and Tazz is a redhead with green eyes, traits also uncommon to the North. They get to their home village, Verelan, and see that the village has pretty much been decimated. Zaya plans to go in, try to get a notebook with her ideas (she's an inventor of sorts) and find survivors but is seen by the enemy, Cretak's armymen. She tries to escape but is caught. Tazz and Tamika are also caught. The army's leading man, Karill Satul (name will most likely be altered) ends up fighting Zaya (he's been there trying to find his 'target', a female around Tazz's age who is sporting uncommon hair and eye colors).

In her own home (Zaya's), he restrains her and interrogates her. Some references to potential torture and implications of experience and pain and such, but nothing significant other than a punch and some comedic touching.

Which basically sums up everything I've gotten done so far.

The rest of the story is pretty predictable (so I think). Zaya, Tamika, and Tazz are saved by Zaya's former mentor, Corthith Laraway. They discuss why it is their village would be the first to be attacked, why Aidan (Zaya's fiance) would be taken captive, and who this potential target could be. Eventually all the girls are taken hostage and sent off to Slave Auctioning sites. Karill and Cretak's king, Lord Raine, happen to be at the first auction where the three girls are being sold. Zaya will either make an attempt to escape and partially succeed, or she'll recognize Karill who will ignore her and go straight for Tazz, assuming her to be his target. They all become servants to Raine and Karill (and potentially some other character who I've yet to develop because he doesn't seem all that important to me). Raine will take Zaya, Karill will most likely take Tamika, and Tazz will either be given to man #3 or will somehow escape/be killed/etc.

Magic will be involved somewhere along the lines, some religious stuff will be thrown in, some people will be reincarnations of the brother and sister duo, Ufiel (Raine or Karill) and Uniel (Zaya). Zaya and Karill will fight quite often, Zaya will see Aidan with another woman and think he is a servant to her, but finds out she's his servant as he's betrayed Ecural and has "gone to the dark side". Slaves and slave owners wear the same colored or patterned bracelet. Raine has a blue bracelet and Zaya wears a matching one. Karill either has a grey or green one and Tamika wears the matching one.

At some point, I will either have Tamika and Zaya switch owners (bad timing, protection, information being leaked, too many escape attempts, etc) or I'll have something happen to one of the two that will force the switch. Zaya will find out that Tamika is from Cretak, that her parents were poor and rebelled against the government and tried to get Tamika to safety by sending her over the border to Ecural. Her parents will be put up for execution and will either die or will be saved by Zaya's negotiations.

At some point there will be a grand ball or gala of some sort. Karill and Raine will have already switched servants at this point (or will right after). Zaya and Karill will dance and Zaya will begin to see that a part of her is becoming interested in this romantic/seductive side of the fearsome man (who is, yes, supposed to be really evil and harsh). Um, eventually he'll be teaching her how to use magic, because the longer she stays there, the more things she begins to see.

Every time she hits a certain time point, she becomes sick, but when she recovers, she has a little bit of a new power or just more of an original power. Each time her body is meant to develop more, she gets a worse sickness than the previous one. If she survives, she has more power. Eventually it will just become so bad that she'll nearly die, but if she survives she'll be pretty powerful. Karill has already been using magic for a long time, though unknown to literally everyone, even his best friend, Raine. He'll teach her once he realizes she has magical abilities. He's already intrigued because she can fight very well with swords and is a pretty decent negotiator. The sadist in him loves messing with her.

The whole deal with Raine is that he murdered his father so he could rule Cretak. Kind of following an Andrew Jackson set of rules, he appointed his friends everywhere and gave the people who helped him nice cozy jobs. I wanted he and Karill to be young, like early 20's, but it doesn't seem realistic. Early 30's, yes, but an early 30's guy going with a barely 17 girl? Hardly.

Um...what else did I forget?

Oh, Zaya's got a special earring. It's only in one ear, the other is empty. It's a red stone (which I think I'll be changing to either green or blue) and it's a part of a set of stones/items she has to find by a certain time in order to become the next ruler of Ecural, because, yes, she's the king of Ecural's daughter, (Cliche Alert) sent off to be hidden so no one would know of her lineage and try to use her against Ecural's kingdom. Which happens anyways, because she's the target Karill had been searching for.

At some point, most likely as Zaya begins to find feelings for Karill, he will kill Raine to take the throne and then help Zaya find her objects to become the next ruler of Ecural. This will lead to the Arori Islands where mystic stuff will take place (specifics generally unknown) but they'll encounter some ugly creatures, some scary people, and it will all end with the two pitted against one another in a battle to reach the center of the islands to achieve some sort of goal. They'll have individual paths to follow and a star/glowy-thing-a-ma-bobber following them that tells them how much life the other has. So Zaya's running around, fighting a monster for example, and she gets punched and collides into a tree. The star near Karill would flicker or partially disappear, indicating the damage done to her. If they both survive, they get to the center of the islands and fight one another.

I already know that Zaya is going to die. That's unavoidable. I prefer writing stories with endings that aren't happy.

And....I think I'm forgetting something, but I don't have my notebook with me. Actually, I don't even think I have my notebook period. I'm pretty sure I tossed it, hehe...Um, I've got the ranks in the army figured out, and the images and such. This is going to be very North vs South, Nazis vs the World, anti-government, undertoned. Of course there won't actually be any Nazis, and Africans won't be enslaved to the south, but generally, that's an underlying tone.

Oh my God, this is really long. And I don't even think I'm done with it yet. Ugh...I'll finish it some other time. Let me know what you think and if there's something that needs clarifying/adjusting/whatever-ing. If any of my ideas need to span more than one book, I have a feeling this is the one. Though once you read my writing, I'm sure you'll see that while I summarize big, I get to the point rather quickly.

So prologue. And chapter 1. I shall update accordingly.

And in the morning I'm sure I'll regret typing this up on a sleep-deprivation-high.

Also, the summary needs some work. This is what I have posted: "The looming war has begun when Zaya and her friends are nearly captured after an attack on their village. forced into slavery for the enemy, Zaya learns that corruption derives from immense power and the taboo line between hatred and forbidden love." What would make it sound better? Or more interesting?

All this lovely discussion took place yesterday and Lime missed it!!! *gasp!*

I promise I will get on that story tonight, Rae. I don't have time to read through the discussion between you and Ashe, but I will before I read your story - I'm at work right now. :(

For shame! Though I wouldn't call it a discussion just yet. Mostly my ranting and attempting to use the information Ashe's opinion gave me. Hehe...

Take your time. I've got (not so much, but kinda-sorta) a bunch of stuff up. My two biggest concerns are "Garden of Cradles" and "Defenseless, We Will Stand". Eventually I'll get around to posting something for my third biggest concern, but I'll wait until I get cleared on these first two. =]

By the way, I would LOVE to have computer access where I work, but sadly, my job options are limited at my age and I'm a cashier. -.- You are one lucky duck.

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