LOL!

What a stupid blonde! :)

Great joke!!! =)

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A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a gun, and gets out of work early. She goes home early to try to catch her boyfriend with the other girl, and she's successful. She finds the two of them in their apartment. The blonde is so sad about this, she pulls out the gun and points it at her own head.

"No honey, don't kill yourself!" The boyfriend said.

"Shut up!" The blonde replied. "You're next!"

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Two blonde sisters were living in Oaklahoma. One day, one blonde asked the other, "What's closer? Florida, or the moon?" The other blonde looked at her funny, then replied: "Hello! Duh! Can you ~see~ Florida!?"

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A blonde was driving home from work one night, not really paying attention to the road. She looked down and examined her wheel for a second, for no apparent reason, then looked back up. When she looked back up, she saw a tree, right in front of her! She swerved to avoid the tree, but then she saw another one! She swerved again, but the tree was still there! She swerved a third time, and the drove off the road. She called her boyfriend on the phone, and said:

"Hey honey? I wrecked my car. Can you come pick me up?"

The boyfriend replied: "Of course! What happened? Are you okay?" The blonde proceeded to tell the story of the tree in front of the windshield that she couldn't shake, and that forced her to swerve off the road. After hearing this, the boyfriend sighed and said "Honey, what does your airfreshener look like?"

Love the third one!!!!

:)

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

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A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

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How do you kill a blonde? Put a "Scratch & Sniff* sticker at the bottom of a pool.

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A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

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how to you keep a blone busy? Put her in a round room and tell her there's a penny in the corner!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

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Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

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hehe! hope you like!

"This is a good actress." *Friend slaps her, she jerks her head and makes a convincing little exclamation of pain.*

"This is a bad actress." *Friend slaps her, she waits a moment, then jerks her head and screams in a very exadurated way.*

"This is a blond actress." *Friend slaps her, she jerks her head the wrong way and yells, "Ohmygod I broke a nail!"*

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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

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There's four girls-one with black hair, brown hair, red hair, and blonde hair. One of each different color. The brunette tells a blonde joke. Every laughs except the blonde. She says, "I don't get it."

"We should mark this spot, so we can come back here!" Jessie says. "But what should we use?"

"I know!" Rachael says. She takes out a piece of chalk and marks an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "There! Now we'll know where the spot is for when we come back tomorrow!

Jessie looks at Rachael disgustedly. "Rachael, you're an idiot," She says. "What if we get a different boat tomorrow?"

What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up? Goes home.

( blondes and a brunet are climbing a clif. suddenly, the rope slips and begins to break with the weight. one of the blondes says someone will have to jump in order to save all the others. the brunet makes a long sappy speach about how she will jump to save the others. all the blonds clap.

1. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pick it up, pull the pin out, and throw it back.

2.Why were there hole in the mirror?

The blonde tried to shoot herself.

3.

"Shut up!" The blonde replied. "You're next!" lol.

Here is yo mamma is so fat that even, the tide wouldn't take her out.lol

I got from a Tv. show.

I'm done now. Fewf. It wasn't that funny, but RRRREEEEAAAALLLLLYYYY close.

A blonde is walking down the road and sees a kid laughing dso hard, he's crying. She walks over to him and asks him, "What's so funy?" He looks up and says, "I saw you!"

(it's kinda cheesy, but i made it up, sooooooooo)

EDITED FOR BREAKING THE TABLES

Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

Brunette: Do you know that the beaver is Canada's national bird?

Blonde: Wait! ... Beavers can fly?

The man realizes that his wife (Who's a blonde) comes home from work on Route 109 so he calls her, "HONEY, Some idiot driving the wrong way on route 109! Be carefeul!"

"Dear, it's not ONE person driving the wrong way... THEY ALL ARE!!!"

~Shamrock~

The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

THere was a blonde driving with her friends, who were in the back of the car. A police officer pulls her over because she's driving 25 in a fifty mile per hour route. He asks her why she's going so slow, and she says, that's the speed limit. He looks back and sees the route number sign is 25, and tells her this. He gives her a ticket, and looks in the back. Her friends are shaking and white. The police officer asks, "Why are they so scared?"

The blonde answers, "Oh, we just got off of highway 129!"

Then another one.

A blonde was knitting while driving. A police officer called "Pull over!" and she said, "No, scarf!"

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me…The idiot makes his own lunch."

sorry DudeinHyrule, just had to put a male blonde in this one! :)

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you cops would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

---

Roxy - I'd heard that one before, but I liked it. ^_^ It's more commonly used as an ethnicity joke, but that's not very nice, so I'm glad you made it blonde. ^_^

Found this one on answers. Alrighty.

A young blonde, from Louisiana, was on vacation and driving through the Florida Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle on prices” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I’ll just have to go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, go give it a shot!”

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch her an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9 foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, and nails it right between the eyes and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more carcases, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto it’s back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out….. ‘”SHOOTT…THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!”

Heres a few

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.

1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

Hahahaha..

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Kinda sad, but relatively funny. Also on answers.

a blond put lipstick on her head to makeup her mind

The man smiled and said "Sure, why not?"

She guessed a hundred and eighty and was right. after she had put the sheep in the back of the truck, the man tapped her on the shoulder. "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head were walking through a field one night. Suddenly, there was the sound of a gunshot. "GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"

They ran away from the angry farmer and they each found a place to hide. The Brunette jumped in the pig pen, the red-head jumped in the chicken coop, and the Blonde jumped into a potato sack.

The angry farmer kicked the chicken coop and heard "Bawk, bawk bawk bawk..."

Then he kicked the pig pen. "Oink oink oink."

Then he kicked the potato sack. "PO-TA-TOS."

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a blonde. They were all going to this magic cliff. Legend said that if you jumped off the cliff and said what you wanted most, it would appear. The Englishman went to the edge of the cliff and jumped off, screaming as he went, "Diamonds!" He landed in a pile of diamonds.

The Irishman went next. he threw himself off the cliff and shouted, "Gold!" He landed in a pile of gold.

The blonde hadn't really been paying much attention, and as he was wandering along the cliff, staring at the sky, he accidentally fell off. On his way down, as he had problems holding his tongue, he yelled...

A blond a brunette and a red head all died. They were told they were only allowed into heaven if they could go up a one hundred step ladder. After each step they would be told a joke, if they laugh, they go to hell.

First, the brunette went up. She only made it to ten.

Next, the Red head went up. She made it to thirty five, then fell to hell.

The blond made it to 99 then laughed, before the joke was even told.

When the blond made it to hell the Brunette asked her why she laughed. The blonde replied

"I just got the first joke."

Ok, Since I am a Blond, I have heard almost all of these. But here is one I don't think was posted yet.

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A blond & a redhead are walking down the street, and on the ground, there is a dead bird.

"Oh no", says the redhead.

"What?" says the blond.

"A dead bird!"

The blond looks up to skyand says- "Where?"

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