I'm Carla.

I'm in college majoring in journalism.

I'm Catholic.

I'm Filipino.

My friends are weirder and louder than yours.

If you get the chance, be sure to check me out on my fanfiction account.

The following is a crazy conglomoration of quotations I've gathered over the years. Some have been stolen from better writers than me, but a lot more are from the people I hang out with on a daily basis. I swear, I will one day work each and every one of these into the stories I write because they're pretty priceless (except for the stolen ones).

"Reality continues to ruin my life." ~Bill Watterson
(personal motto)

"What are you saying, Carla, JESUS wasn't a FETUS? Jesus was a HOLY FETUS." ~Marc

"I have the spirit of a fat girl." ~Cat

"Prom's a waste of a guy's money and a girl's virginity." ~David G.

Guy: "Don't make fun of the Holocaust, Megan. We had a family member who died in it."
Megan: "Oh, I'm so sorry."
Guy: "Yeah...he fell out of his watchtower."

Joe D.: "I have two car keys."
Me: "Why two?"
Joe D.: "One to open the door, the other to start it."

"Yeah, totally! Cause, you know, I get crucified, like, every other weekend." ~Kevin

Allison: "I'm taking Cooper with me on a cruise this summer."
Me: "Try not to get him pregnant."

"Did you know that if you wait long enough, your virginity grows back?" ~Victor

"A game starts. It's called life. You get knocked down. You get held up by some dirty trick. No one's there to help you. Everyone's waiting for you to stay down. but you don't give up. You adapt and you run fast, fast enough to get a moment of breathing room and reach down past your heart and into your gut to do something no one's ever seen before, something that nobody ever thought possible." ~Dave Kalstein, Prodigy

"I think there's a law against being poor in Southlake." ~Mi Hermanito

"Sara, quit squirting your gourd at me!" ~Kyle

"David, I think your rubber's leaking." ~Kyle

"I smell like flowers, minus Cheetos." ~Cat

"Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will hurt and devastate my inner child." ~Victor

"Of course I'm heavier than your tuba! I HAVE LIFE!" ~Victor

"That's what happens when you girls have babies. Except for when you're married. Then God cuts the pain in half." ~Mrs. Sublette

"LACTATE DAMN IT!" ~Whitey

Paunch: "I think I'm bi."
Nathan: "Why the hell are you telling me this now?"

"Blessed sacrament." ~Jonston & me

"Everyone knows the key component of serious, rampant procrastination is the inability to put anything on paper. " ~Shonda Rhimes
(Amen, sister. Amen.)

"She's like Pinnochio: whenever she lies, her legs grow longer." ~Megan T.
(Thanks Megan. Thanks a lot.)

"What kind of question is that? That's like asking Hitler why he bought a new oven." ~Megan T.

"That is some awkward love geometry." ~Lizzie

"Thanks for nailing me in the ass, Victor...I MEANT WITH SNOW!" ~Jane

"I didn't used to play with my sister." ~Jane

"Fat things are better." ~Jane

"I really don't want to UGH!" ~Jane

Marc: "The only difference is Mary Poppins didn't have a penis."
Michael: "Damn it, disappointed again."

Jane: "Ha, Cat, you're married to Marc!"
Marc: "Ha, Jane, you're in an on and off sexual relationship with Ben."

"Hey, Carla, I can't do it right now, but EARLOBE EARLOBE!" ~Daniel

Jeff: "If you just got a bunch of musicians in a room and told them to play, no music or anything, what would it sound like?"
Gary: "Jazz."

"Screw the French. It's freedom kissing." ~Marc

(In the car)
"See that stop right there? See how you didn't die? That was a sexy stop." ~Marc

(visual basic joke)
If Hot Then
Fly
ElseIf Ain't Then
Not
End If
~Marc & Me

"Psh, that's lame. Infections are for pansies."

Me: "I hate being so short, I can't see anything."
David: "You can sit on my lap if you want."
Me: "No, David, I will not have sex with you! If you want to have sex with me, you're going to have to get me drunk and do me on prom night like any other guy! God, if you're going to take advantage of me, at least do it right!"
David: "Sorry, Carla, I'll be sure to follow protocol next time."

Me: "Caitlin, quit pissing your pants!"
Caitlin: "For the last time: IT WAS KOOL-AID!"

"What fictional character would I date? Well, I really love the Harry Potter books, but I know that someone's going to call me some creepy old pervert if I say Hermione Granger..." ~Fr. Thomas XDXDXD

"Sorry, Ted. I left my testicles at home." ~Katie

"I'm Catholic. Of course I hate the bible." ~Joe

"It's like a school for prostitutes." ~Prof. Brent

"If it was under my butt, I'd play with it too." ~Drew

"Bite it NOW!" ~Emily

"But the LORD...was not in the electronics." ~Ted (A.K.A. Richard)

"Any day with only three classes is a good day for me. Actually, that's everyday." ~Chris

"Oh wait, your watch is in killing people time." ~Mike

"How much more intimate can you get than...eating...someone...?" ~Joe

Joe: "I think Angelle drinks a gallon of mayonnaise a day. That's why she's so jolly."
Angelle: "You too, can be happy."

"Eat shit, Jeff Scott." ~Joe

(singing) "Joe's my hero, Joe Joe's my hero." ~Will and Colin

"Oh, Carla...you're fun-sized!" ~Dana

"You're the poop sock guy!" ~Joe

"Buddhist sneak attacks!" ~Joe

"Let's just say the pin on his compass pointed north more often than not." ~Walter

"The Love Sweatshop." ~G-Siders

"I just Germ-Xed my mouth." ~Joe

"It's the peace machine gun." ~Ted

Chris: "These balls are heavenly."
Sarah: "...WHAT?"

"Jonathong!" ~Me

"I smoked a cigarette - which I'm never going to do again - and I lost my virginity - which I'm never going to do again."

Maria: "Any size larger than that is a dollar fifty more."
Joe: "DISCRIMINATION!"

Jen: "Where'd you get those flowers?"
Joe: "Off a casket."

Mandy: "I'll drive!"
Everyone in the room: "...uuhh..."
(Mandy's blind)

"Ziggy Masters: The Untold Story." ~Elizabeth

"Guys, it's pretty high, so grab whatever you need to hit those notes." ~Ted

Nelson: "We're talking about exploding testicles."
Dana: "WHAT?"

(as I'm answering the phone)
Me: (to everyone else) "It's Josh." (to Josh) "Hey, Josh!"
Nelson: "Hey, Josh! You wanna cut out her uterus?"

"Short little chapters of happiness!" ~Nancy

"Please don't say it's about horse romance." ~Nancy

Me: "I like how she can only insult you in another language."
Joe K.: "I know! Most people just insult me to my face."

"Oh, I'd totally take off my pants for anyone with a guinea pig." ~Katie

"It's kind of useless to point at a blind person, Ted." ~Katie

"Whenever my daughters have it, I read Cosmo because I want to figure out one hundred and twenty things I want somebody to do to me." ~Michael Grinfeld

"And they were raising, like, these superturkeys." ~Michael Grinfeld

Joe K.: "What if it's a sweet potato?"
Katie: "Damn it."

(as we're hugging)
Me: "OH MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A HIPPIE!"
Marc: "Hey...we prefer the term bohemian."

"Who are you to criticize my double-standards?" ~Fr. Thomas

Laura: "You're a homo-popsicle."
Me: (shudder) "Oh, the imagery."

Me: "Nelson...wanna cut out my uterus?"
Nelson: "I'm sorry, I don't know what a uterus looks like. Go ask Josh, he's pre-med."
Me: "Ew, Josh is my twin! I can't ask my twin to cut out my uterus!"
Nelson: "Then ask Jacob."
Me: "Who's Jacob?"
Nelson: "His friend. He's pre-med too."
Me: "You must think I'm a whore. I don't entrust my uterus to just anyone."

Ted: "Laura, quit groping me!"
Me: "Geez, Ted, what is there to grope?"

"So do you not use deodorant, you just stuff potpourri in your armpits?" ~Sarah

"It's like parsley, only with an s." ~Me

"You're like a Protestant...you take a two hour break and then you go back." ~Teresa

"Zebras and rainbows make me nervous." ~Joe

"Your mom is a great dancer and I want to lick her ankles." ~Joe

Lisa: "Julia ate my cherry."
(Julia snorts with laughter)
Pretty much everyone on that end of the table: "OH MY GOD LISA!"

(We were Christmas caroling)
Fr. Thomas: "Ted, this is a Jewish nursing home!"
Ted: "WHAT?"
Fr. Thomas: "Just kidding."

(about Robert's soup)
"That looks like death." ~Me

"Malaria is a son of a bitch." ~Laura

David: "I'll rock around your Christmas tree."
Marc: "I'll jingle your bells."

"Hi, we're Teresa and the Christmas Experience." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Yule Tide Revolution." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Jingle Bell Jammers." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Caroling Crew." ~Marc

"That was as smooth as a car crash." ~Caleb

Me: "How did you get your hair like that?"
Joe: "It starts with a healthy prayer life."

Me: "Ted, you're like an Asian leprechaun."
Dan: "Yeah. With a bowl of rice at the end of the rainbow."

"Making Ted cry is like kicking a puppy in the balls." ~Katie

"That makes my OCD happy." ~Katie

Clay: "Ha, try being one of seven kids!"
Stud: "Hey, I was one of twenty-five."
Clay: "Who has twenty-five kids?"
Matt: "Catholics."

Joe: "He's excited to see the girl he's dating."
Me: "Ted, you're dating a girl?"
(Katie laughing in the background)
Me: "I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"

"Carla! Get to him before God does!" ~Megan

"I think evolving to no longer being asexual was the worst idea in history." ~Marc

"God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." ~Caleb

Ted: "Oh, guys! I saw the funniest thing at work today! It was a giant paper clip and it was like this big!"
(we all pause)
Katie: "It kind of makes me happy that Ted is so naive."

Angelle: "Good luck!"
Everyone in the Cast: "DON'T SAY THAT!"

"And then I asked him, 'Mr. Penguin! What are you doing in my boot? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole?'" ~Dan

"Feel these dollar bills!" ~Ted

"I didn't want to be like, 'CUNT BLOCK!'" ~Katie

Dana: "Penises are weird."
Ryan: "Penises are very weird. They're like the only protruding part of the male anatomy that you don't have control over."
Beth: "Brandon can control his!"
(Please excuse Beth. She was very drunk. Dana and Ryan, however, were both completely sober.)

"Hey! I know you! Let's have an informal conversation!" ~Joe

Joe: "Apparently I look like Meatloaf."
Me: "The singer and the food."

Mandy: "I can't believe you're choosing to sit here, Father Joachim."
Joe: "Well even Jesus dined with sinners and prostitutes."
Me: "So what are you implying, Joe? That Mandy and I are prostitutes?"

Joe: "TRIP THE BLIND GIRL!"
Mandy: "Hi, Joe."

Joe: "Oh, no. I just give Jeff shit to his face, but I say really nice things about him whenever he's not around."
Jeff: "Just think of it like a eulogy, only I'm still alive."

"Does everyone else feel really young or is it just because Fr. Joachim is here?" ~Joe

(About Fr. Joachim)
Joe: "He's such a fart. And a flirt. Let's call him Flart."
Mike: "Fr. Flart!"

"We don't talk about hookers. They're not real." ~Joe

(Before you read this, you must know that Joe looks like a dirty hippie and Evan uses a wheelchair. I'm not Samoan, but we have an inside joke saying that I am.)
Evan: "It's the dirty hippie's fault!"
Me: "Ooh! Score one for the cripple!"
Joe: "And the Samoan goes for the legs. Literally."

Laura: "I don't want to breathe in secondhand smoke, Joe."
Joe: "Then maybe you shouldn't be standing so close to a fire."

"I'd stamp that if it wouldn't make me a pervert." ~Joe

Emily: "She beats Ted by, like, eighty points."
Ryan: "Eighty what?"
Joe: "Eighty butt points."

"Drums make me want to ovulate." ~Joe

"I gave up sleep for Lent!" ~Joe

"That's what I love about the Bible...it's chock full of scripture." ~Fr. Scott

"That sounds like someone raping an animal farm." ~Joe

"French the microphone." ~Robert

"I get really angry whenever I get something in my eye because I mean, SERIOUSLY! What are the chances?" Cynthia
(Cynthia's Asian)

"There's a French terrorist outside!" ~Jonathon

"AHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" ~Fr. Thomas

(in a Russian/Spanish/Ukranian/Italian accent)
"I like you better when you at work." ~Sarah

"OH MY GOD, WHERE'S KAREN? DID WE LEAVE HER IN THE BATHROOM?" ~ASB group

"Got your FACE!" ~Elyce/Me

Caitlin: "Oh my God, Carla...I have no boobs in this picture. Where did they go?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe the Boob Fairy took them?"

"Martinis are the language of my people." ~Sean

Corey: "Is there any place we could go nab some trucks?"
Leah: (mouthing to me) "Nab some trucks?"

(talking about David's eventual marriage)
"Just remember to invite me to the wedding." ~David's Mom

(after Brad fed his girlfriend a slice of pizza)
"Oh my God, did that seriously just happen?" ~Phil XD

Muddy: "Mike, Batman or Superman?"
Mike: "Duh! Superman, 'cuz he's real!"

Kyle: "Then what would you call Bambi? A nature film?"
Marc: "What? That's like calling Aladdin a cultural experience."

"Girls don't wash their shoes! That's what boys are for." ~Marc

"Crap, I'm walking in grass. My shoes are allergic." ~Walter